Good afternoon Familanders.

I'm in dire need of advice hence my write up.
I'm a single mum of one, I got separated from my ex two years ago...though we are not officially divorced yet. After things got pretty nasty and he had to chase me back home (prior to this, my folks had wanted me to come back home due to his constant abuse)... I thought we could resolve issues, we both tried to but he's just like a smoke, he can't hide his character for too long..he's hot tempered, egoistic, and he can so mouth trash me(emotional abuse).he grew up in a home where his mum was the C in C, so he hates women trying to have a say.I must always do whatever he says not minding if I'm comfortable or not. I have my own share of the blame cos sometimes, he pushes me and I react back, so I'm not saying I'm a saint either. But my friends and family knows I'm not a trouble maker.

So I've been alone for two years, no date, no relationship cos I'm still officially married to him.. I went to see some of his friends and they told me to move on without him, its sad but they couldn't hide it anymore, he has moved on even so show casing a lady around as his new found love..but when things go down the drain between him and his gf, he comes back to me trying to see if we can make things work.

Now I have two problems here,
1. I don't want to be the one to sue for a divorce cos he will blackmail me emotionally (he tells everyone who cares to listen that he didn't chase me out of the house but I left cos I couldn't endure which is a lie from the deepest part of hell)... he doesn't want to sue for a divorce too.

2. I'm becoming too lonely, most night I cry myself to bed.. the last time we spoke, he told me "you're a very good lady, I love you but I really don't know why things arent working between us".. I know he loves me but I'm becoming too lonely and I don't want to cheat on him.

3. Around July 2016,a friend of mine (family friend) has been on my neck for a relationship, I've known him for a while, he was there for me all through when things was bad, he is a good man and he knows I'm separated (he's officially divorced to a white woman)...he's like everything I want in a man.

I really don't know what to do...do I sue for a divorce? or go into a relationship with my new guy for the main time..please help me.


Thank you

cc

I would have said you should try to work your marriage with your husband but it seems he is formed in a bad way and can't really change.Getting back with him will probably be the same of the same.

Maybe you should do a six-month trial with your husband.Go back to the house and try to see if anything has changed.If you discover it's still same,sue for divorce and move on with your life.You're still young,so it's best to make the decision early.

You could try for a new relationship if your marriage doesn't work but be sure the man wants you for you and not just because he wants to use you.

Well, marriage declaration is for better or otherwise.
You couldn't bear the cross of the first union.
How are you sure that the next one has no torn between the road?
You have known the first man, only avoid and scenerios that leads to the insults and abuses.

As you feel lonely, so does he. Is just that he might have other options as a man.

I am of the opinion that you go for the first man. Who is "not satisfaction " to you. He is the one coming back to you and not you going to him. Let there be counseling and undertaking of a renewed lifestyle from him. Which if you opt for divorce later on: your reasons would be germane.

thorpido:
I would have said you should try to work your marriage with you husband but it seems he is formed in a bad way and can't really change.Getting back with him will probably be the same of the same.

Maybe you should do a six-month trial with your husband.Go back to the house and try to see if anything has changed.If you discover it's still same,sue for divorce and move on with your life.You're still young,so it's best to make the decision early.

You could try for a new relationship if your marriage doesn't work but be sure the man wants you for you and not just because he wants to use you.

Thank you very much Sir.
I'm 22hrs away from him ATM..but I'm willing to make things work between us, but on his own part, its like he takes one step forward and 3steps backward.
He's not even talking to me, he has blocked all means of communication with me.

okenwa:
Well, marriage declaration is for better or otherwise.
You couldn't bear the cross of the first union.
How are you sure that the next one has no torn between the road?
You have known the first man, only avoid and scenerios that leads to the insults and abuses.

As you feel lonely, so does he. Is just that he might have other options as a man.

I am of the opinion that you go for the first man. Who is "not satisfaction " to you. He is the one coming back to you and not you going to him. Let there be counseling and undertaking of a renewed lifestyle from him. Which if you opt for divorce later on: your reasons would be germane.

thank you sir.
I'm a strong believer of marriage as a for better for worse thing, hence my decision to bring in the olive branch..
As per the lonely part, I don't think he is, cos he particularly told me "he has got structures in place" and its too complicated.
on one occasion, he asked me if I heard he is expecting a set of twins in few months time, how would I feel? So I know he's seeing someone else now.

But I don't just want a broken home for my child

File for a divorce and move on sis

prestigiouslady:


Thank you very much Sir.
I'm 22hrs away from him ATM..but I'm willing to make things work between us, but on his own part, its like he takes one step forward and 3steps backward.
He's not even talking to me, he has blocked all means of communication with me.

Try to establish communication with him and have a talk.Ask him what the future of your union is.It's going to work or maybe not.If it won't no point struggling with it.It takes two to make it work.

prestigiouslady:


thank you sir.
I'm a strong believer of marriage as a for better for worse thing, hence my decision to bring in the olive branch..
As per the lonely part, I don't think he is, cos he particularly told me "he has got structures in place" and its too complicated.
on one occasion, he asked me if I heard he is expecting a set of twins in few months time, how would I feel? So I know he's seeing someone else now.

But I don't just want a broken home for my child

A home is not broken just because the parents are separated,it's broken also if there's abuse and strife between couples.The kids get damaged seeing that too.

thorpido:
Try to establish communication with him and have a talk.Ask him what the future of your union is.It's going to work or maybe not.If it won't no point struggling with it.It takes two to make it work.

It takes two but he has allegedly moved on with another woman and she's the only one reaching out?

please stick with your husband inugo? for better for worse brigade....next time he bangs your head to the wall you will explain to angel gabriel why you arrived earlier than your appointed time

and stay away from your family friend. You are clearly still hung up on your abusive ex. only enter a relationship when you have grieved and healed

1bkaye:
It takes two but he has allegedly moved on with another woman and she's the only one reaching out?

Has she tried?If she's tried and it's not working then she has to move on.

thorpido:
Try to establish communication with him and have a talk.Ask him what the future of your union is.It's going to work or maybe not.If it won't no point struggling with it.It takes two to make it work.
A home is not broken just because the parents are separated,it's broken also if there's abuse and strife between couples.The kids get damaged seeing that too.

Trust me, I've tried, we've both spent lot of cash calling and trying to iron things out...but I feel if we see and talk better. I asked if he'll come down to where I am, he said no, he's busy at work so I offered to come down to see him, he said no, he'll find time to come see me probably by mid year...I told him I'll come around, since then he blocked all communication channel with me.

thorpido:
Has she tried?If she's tried and it's not working then she has to move on.

He's abusive, no further discussions needed tbh

keepingmum:
please stick with your husband inugo? for better for worse brigade....next time he bangs your head to the wall you will explain to angel gabriel why you arrived earlier than your appointed time

and stay away from your family friend. You are clearly still hung up on your abusive ex. only enter a relationship when you have grieved and healed

I'm not grieving at all and I'm not trying to use the other guy as a rebound... not at all.

prestigiouslady:


Trust me, I've tried, we've both spent lot of cash calling and trying to iron things out...but I feel if we see and talk better. I asked if he'll come down to where I am, he said no, he's busy at work so I offered to come down to see him, he said no, he'll find time to come see me probably by mid year...I told him I'll come around, since then he blocked all communication channel with me.

You should move on.Get a lawyer and file papers.Don't go into the relationship with the family friend as a rebound however.Take your time.It may not be him.

1bkaye:
He's abusive, no further discussions needed tbh

1bkaye,her comment above settles it then.

From the look of things it seem your husband is not interested in you anymore, there is no need of forcing yourself to his life. I will advice you to move on

Dera25:
From the look of things it seem your husband is not interested in you anymore, there is no need of forcing yourself to his life. I will advice you to move on

Thanks

There is no point holding on to someone that clearly wants to be free. Move on.

Babe, you should be singing hallelujah that you are free.

At 22, you are still young self.

Now open ya eye before you enter another one.

WHOcarex:
Babe, you should be singing hallelujah that you are free.

At 22, you are still young self.

Now open ya eye before you enter another one.

Thanks.
but I never said I'm 22...

prestigiouslady:


Thanks.
but I never said I'm 22...

Oh sorry, 22hrs you said.
Well, the bottom line be say, move on

One n just one thing alone guild our Lives as human beings: Our faith.
Not people's opinions, how we feel or the prevailing circumstances.

If you are a christian, u already know the only condition for DIVOURCE is infidelity.
Every other reason(s) is/are inconsequencial.

I know these r trying times,
dont know why u let this linger for two years.

Dont know why u went washing ur linnings b4 ur family members instead of talking to God bout it. N casting out every evul manipulation.

Dont know why all of a sudden, family friend is trying to creep in subtly n complicate issues.

Dont know if its because u r feeling lonely , u want ur man back. What happens when u get satisfied after a week?

So he blocked every means of communication, leaving u in a limbo and u just let it? Woman ? Wake up!!!!
u r still married to him n he cant be dictating wen it is right for u to come seEe him!

U know his movements from D times u have stayed wit him n u know wen to get him @ home. So gather ur garment n go get ur man! Dont sit there sulking !

3 things cud happen , the only one that matters is : u meet another woman in d house .......adultery n a good bases to file for D

U cant let him be hanging u and he is mos def enjoying his bleeping life!

Clear ur doubts once n for all! The answers u seek aint here, there r over there...so get up n go get them!

Still wondering how u were able to stay two years without eating another apple after tasting how sweet apple is!

Rich Regards
Don

HARDDON:
One n just one thing alone guild our Lives as human beings: Our faith.
Not people's opinions, how we feel or the prevailing circumstances.

If you are a christian, u already know the only condition for DIVOURCE is infidelity.
Every other reason(s) is/are inconsequencial.

I'm a Catholic and I have my reservations about divorce except of course when abuse set in

I know these r trying times,
dont know why u let this linger for two years. [/quote]
I was hurt.. I literally built my world around him so I felt let down and I just wanted to be alone that's why it took this long..

I'm not doing this cos I'm lonely..no..not at all.
hmmm...

are you saying I should give it a trial? to go see things for myself?? even when his body language says he doesn't want me around

I feel he's trying to tie me down cos he's indecisive at the moment.

I'll surely think about this..

I took an oath in the presence of God and that of man to be faithful to my spouse so I take my vows serious, hence why I've been able to cope without the "sweet apple".

I'll think it over.
Thank you.


Thank you

prestigiouslady:

I'm a Catholic and I have my reservations about divorce except of course when abuse set in

are you saying I should give it a trial? to go see things for myself?? even when his body language says he doesn't want me around

I feel he's trying to tie me down cos he's indecisive at the moment.

I'll surely think about this..

I took an oath in the presence of God and that of man to be faithful to my spouse so I take my vows serious, hence why I've been able to cope without the "sweet apple".

I'll think it over.
Thank you.


Thank you

I am not saying u should give it a trail(he is not ur boyfriend!) i am saying u shld gO get UR MAN!

For from d days of JOhn d baptise, d KingdOm of God surfereth Violence and d violent taketh it by Force!

Even ladies in common relationship fight to keep their men let alone u that have had a baby for him!
Fast n Pray n clear every obstacle n besetting clouds against ur home , after that, go and see ur man.
U know what is happening now isnt normal. He luvs u, but something is holding him back.

Wake up.

Awon fast and pray brigade don enter.
Erm... Op if you decide to undergo the fast, don't forget to watch war room and use coconut oil.

I feel there needs to be a thread that teaches people how to give advice. How can someone after reading and trying to relate with what this lady said advice her to pray or endure or say divorce is not an option,stick to your husband.
The worse kind of abuse is the emotional one, worse than the physical, it messes with your psychology prolly why the lady hasn't moved on after 2years of separation,she maybe feels she isn't good enough again. Even if brother wanted to work something ready, he would have acted in 2years.

Oh please for the sake of your sanity, flip a next page... Moving forward, you don't need the new guy yet, rather rebuild yourself so the new guy wouldnt see you as broken and take advantage..

You can never be free when you are still married. Separated ok, but not divorced. Stop wasting the new man's time and return your wedding rings and bride price before you complicate your life.

You either get divorced or stay in your current TRAP without getting into another relationship.
Don't expect Mr. New Man to sit around and wait for you to free your body and spirit from a failed marriage.

Men and women are like automobiles. Old motto na old motto! Whether you choose to trade one "Tukunbo" spouse for another is entirely up to you. You will only inherit a new set of problems you must still work through after the "honeymoon" phase.

Goodu Luckuuu!

File for that divorce and move on fast. This guy won't change until something drastic happens to him. He is only back with you because you are the only one foolish enough to take him back and he knows it. He probably tried his nonsense with his girlfriend and she dumped him. Now he thinks you are a good woman because you take his abuse. Go with who was good to you and there for you. This life is just one and no one has the right to make you feel less than who you are. We all came to this life separately and will leave separately. Your ex-husband is toxic to you, your child and himself.

After reading all these... I discovered the reason why you were crying yourself to sleep......

It was because you were scared of being seen as the First to file for a divorce...Therefore confirming what he has said that you left because you couldn't endure....

If you were my sister, and she seeks for my advice on this issue...I will tell her to file for a divorce and move on....She owe herself the responsibility in life to be happy....She should not be tagged a certain status in life to be happy..... Answering Mrs is good but it is not a ticket to happiness....Your EX has friends now....and you confined yourself in a particular spot because you do not want people to perceive you in a particular kind of way.....

But,Newsflash...They are already perceiving you in that way....so what is new in this situation...You guys are not living together so what is the bigger deal....

Anyone that listen to what others were saying about him/her are liable to die young...You can't possibly please the world..even Jesus couldn't..

I just want to add this that his background contributed to what he is today....He thought all women will be like his mother....That answers yes Sir to everything his father says....when he did not see that in you, he felt confused..hence the verbal abuse....Advise him to see a therapist that will shape his life because there are no women that answers yes sir anymore.... not even in the village..
.

Your ex will not change. You are the weakest thing he can control that's why he still refuses you to meet him on your own terms.

Please, move on. You may die if you go back. No human is worth laying your happiness like that down for except your innocent children. And they your children deserve to be happy and will never be if they see their father constantly abuse their mother.

I think his coming back is to ultimately shame you. I have seen it happen before to a good woman who didn't heed the advice of her family when they asked her to let go.

File for divorce and move on with your life.

Were you legally married to this ex?

raumdeuter:
Were you legally married to this ex?

Yes, we were legally married in a registry..

prestigiouslady:


Yes, we were legally married in a registry..

What are his family and your family's opinion on the current state of this union