@poster,

I know exactly how u are feeling, because i am in the same situation. i get it like twice a month if i am lucky.
i have actually sat my wife down severally on this issue, but no change. I initially cheated but later stopped and accepted my faith .
the marriage is just over 4 years and i am already sexually frustrated.

Talk to your wife if she can change, leave all this people that are abusing you, if they were in your shoe they would have done worst. and take it to God in prayers.

hmmm, interesting, , but i think you should tell your wife, she will be hurt but will forgive you and probably throw it back in your face once in a while. but u will definitely see an improvement in the frequency of ur sex life

Ndeewonu:

make me feel like one man already in hell.

But, there s somthing u guys dont really undstnd. For me, just like most men out there, s.ex is major stress reliever. I do NOT drink/smoke. When stressed up, I prefer 2 fall in2 her waiting arms. I made dt clear to her b4 we even started, & it really worked. My major worry is that s.ex dropped drastically 4rm the frequency when we started, to d appalling stage we are now. It breaks me in2 pieces.

as well it should.

sex is a stress reliever for women as well as men so stop using that as an excuse. if your wife's sex drive has plumeted maybe you should HELP her. instead of playing with your girlfriends change a diaper, do some disher, put the clothes away. take away the things that stress her out, tire her out. spend more then 2 sec on pre-intimacy. if you care about her at all then this wouldnt be an issue, you would aready be doing this. wanna see her sex drive come up - pamper her. make her feel like a queen like you did when you were dating. duh!

for god sake get tested and tell your wife BEFORE you even think about sleeping with her again. it will be far worse for you if she finds out somewhere else or heaven forbid she already knows. changing your ways doesnt make up for the past. if you love her then you would tell her

maybe u arent satisying her sexually?
many men just come on top of a woman,hump away,cum,roll over n sleep off
are u sure ure making love or just having sex?
those are 2 entirely different things
cause i dont understand y shes always tired
i mean you have 2 helps taking care of the kids

u probably have changed since u married her
u need 2 ask her why shes doing this i second busy-body's opinion
u def have failed and or wronged this woman

or maybe she has found out ure cheating and shes punishing u

Busy_body has spoken.

Busy_body (f)
« #30 on: February 02, 2010, 05:47 PM »

Apart from the glaring issue of lack of intimacy in your marriage, which is vital to keep any union going, there is also lack in communication. The day she caught you with tears in your eyes was the day you had the chance to pour out your heart to her (leaving out the small fact that you have been cheating on her). Few questions to ask you:

Since that episode she caught you in tears, did she swallow your "plausible get-out" story hook, line and sinker or has she made further enquiries probing you further?

With regards to her general demeanor, is it only when it comes to s.ex that she becomes cool and aloof?

What is she like around the children?

Has her attitude to them changed?

Does she make a fuss over you and the kids in general or does she snap at you all for no reason?

You mentioned you have househelps etc, but how is the state of your house?

Does she take pride in her home or does she act unbothered and leaves the househelps to their own device?

Would you know if she has any hang-ups about her body and feels unsexy and inadequate?

Could she be suffering from post natal depression?

Could she be clinically depressed?

Sorry for meandering with my a thousand and one question, but i am just trying to get to the bottom of her change in attitude to s.ex, which was never a problem before and probably deduce if the issues you are facing in your matrimonial home is not restricted to just s.ex.

I appreciate your particular concern. I feel at least, someone understands and feels for me and not curses, curses and abuses. Thank you so much.

- I knew she probably would have collapse if she I had told her the truth about why I was shedding tears; it was just fear of the consequences. Like I told you, I love her and wouldn’t want to seek her hurt

- I can tell you she is 100% excellent when it comes to attention to children; she can wake up 20 times in the night to attend to the kids, but finds it difficult to sacrifice 30 minutes in two days for s.ex.

- About the house, she derives joy in cleaning the house and keeping everywhere very decent—which is excellent—but, all these compared to s.ex are tranferable functions. I mean, a house-help can clean the house, mop the floor, even cook food but a house-help is not a substitute for s.ex. Se.x is NOT a transferable function. The problem is I have told her that I prefer having those things (chores) undone to s.ex starvation. But she uses them (chores) as alibi for not having s.ex, claiming tedium from work and house chores as the reason for running away from s.ex.

- Post-natal depression? I don’t know. I have asked her for us to seek medical advice, but she wouldn’t, saying nothing is wrong with her; that she has chatted with other working-class wives & their case is even worse. I also discovered that when she really wants to give me s.ex, she give it without a match. And I keep wondering why I can’t have it more often & stop this stupidity.


The major thing I would say is that I tend to be more caring whenever I get s.ex. Dont misunderstnd me. It takes away so much stress & tension from me which ordinarily I unknowingly transfer to d pple around me. May sound childish; b/c it may nt be d same for other men.

Busy_body (f)
« #31 on: February 02, 2010, 06:26 PM »

Here's a couple of suggestion i was able to come up with:


Firstly, Without hearing your wife's side of the story, it is not possible to decipher whether her intention to accept your offer of marriage was done out of love, but there is no denying the fact that you love your wife and worship the ground she walks on, so it would not be preposterous for you to "simulate" that moment your wife caught you in tears once more, be natural, utilise this moment to ask her to table out your shortcomings as a man, your failure as her husband, how you have failed her, what you could do to right any wrong you could have done her . . . ask her if this is the reason she is no longer in love with you and is neglecting you. . .


If she genuinely loves you, she will open up to you sooner or later and make amends to save her marriage.


Whilst waiting for her to respond, think back to the way things used to be when you were still dating, what you both enjoyed doing, think back to what made her tick, her likes and interest, how you both spent quality times together looking out for each other and making each other happy . . . and try and see if you can recreate these moments.


Whether she has responded or not, leave the kids at home with your relatives, whisk her out to somewhere nice and romantic like a restaurant, reminisce about the good times you used to have, don't try to control your emotion, let the tears flow if they want to again, ask her again about your sins and how to resolve it. Go over the reason she was the special one you chose to spend the rest of your life with and make it clear to her that you can't go on without her and your beautiful kids, that they all are the reason for your being.


After your date, don't go straight home, find another spot that is more secluded like a lake or a beach, break down all over again and plead with her, don't subconsciously hate her for forcing you to stoop so low as to cheat on her, but instead channel your guilt into your emotion, whatever you do, don't tell her because she will never forgive you FOR LIFE . . .


Keep this up for as long as you can bear and hopefully things would change for the better. Don't forget to also explore the medical angle as to whether she could be depressed. Wish you all the best in your matrimonial home.

Thanks BB, I will try most of these again. I m grateful.

browncocos:

maybe u arent satisying her sexually?
many men just come on top of a woman,hump away,come,roll over n sleep off
are u sure ure making love or just having intimacy?
those are 2 entirely different things
cause i dont understand y shes always tired
i mean you have 2 helps taking care of the kids

@browncocos
I think she can testify to that anyway.
As for kids, I do; I also said we have helps and relatives of sorts in da hse.

u probably have changed since u married her
u need 2 ask her why shes doing this i second busy-body's opinion
u def have failed and or wronged this woman
or maybe she has found out ure cheating and shes punishing u

I DONT think I ve changd. Well, I m honest. I dont hang out late, I prefer to b wit her more often, but she cant met d demand, as per the main issue. As a matter of fact, she said she had to fast 4 God to help her s.exually, only to change her mind when other women told her NOT to worry, it was a general problem; and she relaxed. So u can see dt it s nt really my fault.

Fire777:

@poster,

I know exactly how u are feeling, because i am in the same situation. i get it like twice a month if i am lucky.
i have actually sat my wife down severally on this issue, but no change. I initially cheated but later stopped and accepted my faith .
the marriage is just over 4 years and i am already sexually frustrated.

Talk to your wife if she can change, leave all this people that are abusing you, if they were in your shoe they would have done worst. and take it to God in prayers.

I tot I was alone, or making abnormal demands. I almost felt abnormal over my "inordinate" demands or like someone who doesnt love his y5.

Guys, leave me alone. Do u know as a married man, I used to mastur.bate until I read that mastur.bation is bad to one's health? What have I not done to prevent all this. It pains me when pple feel he s just like the man he is. It s unbelievable dt b4 i went into this I was mastur.bating! but I did it, just to save my y5 dt sorrow & pain.. I feel pain.

ceasyc:

@poster, if u tell her, it might end your marriage.
If u don't tell her, she might hear it from sum1 else
N dat na wahala ohh.
If it were me, I'll prefer to hear it from my hubby than from sum1 else.
Either way, I'll hate it/u - Adultery!

Obviously, she has a problem, u shud b there 4 her n support her,
not u sleeping around n saying na u cos am. Wot if it were d other
way around? U go like? Hope u used a c*ndom every time? Cos sum men
sleep around n bring HIV home to their faithful wives. Abeg oh!

D bible says don't commit adultery, dats exactly wot u did - u committed ADULTERY!

As 4 talking to her about d s*x thingy btw d 2 of u which hasn't worked or
changed a tin, I advise u both go c a doc/therapist. Good luck

Thanks. I appreciate, but I dont think telling her wil help. I knw her very well. Again, reading about Tiger Woods marriage scared me. It's nt every woman dt can take it. I fear, d situation might grow worse if tell her. I knw it will.

mama-gee:

Poster. . .
Your essay is too long for me to read.

@mama-gee
Yes, I know it's long. If u can, I would appreciate hearing from u. Pls, take time to peruse d story from beginning & advise.


And to those condemning me, I never planned it this way. I vowed i was nt gonna do this kinda thing. Do u knw what it means for a married man to mastu.bate? Mayb, i wd but a intimacy gadget, or something? sounds stupid!

Anyway, I knw I will still riggle out if it.

^^^^^^ oh come on now. your worried about the stigma of masterbation as a married man (no significant negative side effects in doing so unless you become "fixated". unless you believe the old wives tale you'll go blind) then the stigma of adultery? proctologist actualy encourage thier patients to masterbate for crying out loud. all you want is someone to tell you what your doing is ok, nothing mre http://www.collectivewizdom.com/BenefitsofMasturbation

agathamari:

^^^^^^ oh come on now. your worried about the stigma of masterbation as a married man (no significant negative side effects in doing so unless you become "fixated". unless you believe the old wives tale you'll go blind) then the stigma of adultery? proctologist actualy encourage thier patients to masterbate for crying out loud. all you want is someone to tell you what your doing is ok, nothing mre http://www.collectivewizdom.com/BenefitsofMasturbation

@agathamari
To the contrary, that's nt what I want. I already knw it's nt good; I also acknwldged it's wrong. I'm nt looking 4 justifaction. I m seeking advice on hw 2 make my s.ex life better in my ,marriage.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-392923.0.html#msg5446859

This case happened over a decade ago, and her Husband only cheated on her with one woman, you on the other hand were playing the field with every Shola, Ngozi and Hajaratu that came your way

Busy_body:


https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-392923.0.html#msg5446859

This case happened over a decade ago, and her Husband only cheated on her with one woman, you on the other hand were playing the field with every Shola, Ngozi and Hajaratu that came your way

I've read it. That's the more reason, I shouldn't let her know. I'm trying to stop in. We are talking, and I'm taking a lot of beautiful and wonderful advice from ppl like you here. I'm NOT as bad as u guys think. I promise, my goal is to stop it this year (sooner), and I will come back here to give my testimony.

Thanks BB

Ndeewonu:


I've read it. That's the more reason, I shouldn't let her know. I'm trying to stop in. We are talking, and I'm taking a lot of beautiful and wonderful advice from ppl like you here. I'm NOT as bad as u guys think. I promise, my goal is to stop it this year (sooner), and I will come back here to give my testimony.

Thanks BB

there is no try, do or do not. if you want to stop you stop. not well "im gonna attempt to sometime in the next 11 months but i do care honest!" your sooo full of bull sh1t. i really hope you wife has been reading this because noone deserves this. "ill try and stop" what a laugh. yet another lame excuse from a 15 year old parading around in an adults body

agathamari:

there is no try, do or do not. if you want to stop you stop. not well "im gonna attempt to sometime in the next 11 months but i do care honest!" your sooo full of bull sh1t. i really hope you wife has been reading this because noone deserves this. "ill try and stop" what a laugh. yet another lame excuse from a 15 year old parading around in an adults body

@Agatha
It's not as if I want to wait for 11 months. I means it has to take some conscious moves. U dont even know what steps i ve taken as I write. So, u dont judge that way.

By the way, I told a story on this thread abt a female friend of mine lamenting that d hubby doesnt give her s.ex at times 6 months. The man doesnt make l.ove to her for months and she is dying in silence. d man claims he is very tired each day after work. Mayb, if u are NOT married yet, it would be better for u to marry such a husband. So u would know wht I m going thru.

3 kids in four years    

How is that even possible 

@ Poster, I think you are wicked and inconsiderate! Do you know what it takes to carry a pregnany for nine months and pass through the pains of labour And she did it 3 times within a space of four years And all you can talk about is intimacy   Gosh!

You'd be blind not to know the reason behind her frigidness. She ACHES for God's sakes . . .  And you are going on about how you've been getting it on with other women? You feel guilty? That's not good enough!

If you know you love that woman, I suggest you put aside your selfish lust for once, pay attention to her and to her needs, do everything you can to ensure she regains her health back, try as much as you can to help with the kids . . .  and I bet you, you'll get your se.x life with her back in no time!

Ndeewonu, I really feel for you and thx for your contribution on my thread. If I was your wife, I would want a full confession ahead of a reconciliation to build what was lost. Recently,we heard that John Edwards initially confessed to his wife about a one-night stand only and took over a year for his wife to now found out it was a long standing affair with his mistress which eventually led to a child out of wedlock. What I'm saying here is when the time comes, please give a full confession without holding back so that nothing will come back to haunt you and possibly cause you both heartache in the future.

Sorry I can't advise the best way to go but please make sure that skeleton is let loose from the cupboard only by yourself. I know what pre-marital infidelity has done to my marriage, I would not advise that you not confess to your wife. TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT EVENTUALLY. It's a small world, you don't know whom your girlfriends have been telling about their escapades with you. It's as simple as a friend of a friend or brother/sister/coworker/relative of some sort telling somebody that knows your wife. Whatever you do, make sure she hears it from you, no other way.

It sounds like her circle of friends may be giving bad advice. Those telling her she's normal may be women who pretend their husbands don't have affairs. Not many men can go for long without intimacy so if a man is not doing it with his wife, chances are he is doing it elsewhere, those other women are probably burying their heads in the sand. They will be the first to tell her you are having an affair if they find out.

Please stop now and may you be blessed with wisdom and good advice on how to repair this situation.

i felt your pain, i think what u need is a shrink. and give her time to adjust

Ndeewonu:

@Agatha
It's not as if I want to wait for 11 months. I means it has to take some conscious moves. U dont even know what steps i ve taken as I write. So, u dont judge that way.

By the way, I told a story on this thread abt a female friend of mine lamenting that d hubby doesnt give her s.ex at times 6 months. The man doesnt make l.ove to her for months and she is dying in silence. d man claims he is very tired each day after work. Mayb, if u are NOT married yet, it would be better for u to marry such a husband. So u would know wht I m going thru.

like i said befor you are only looking for justification. this is not something you need to do slowly, it is a single conscience action. you want to stop, you stop end of story. btw i am married and i know exactly what your "friend" is going through, it by no means justifies even the though of cheating yet alone the action. grow up!

tá súil agam duit deireadh suas le warts giniúna leithscéal leat pathetic le haghaidh an duine a

have you ever had a discussion related to this with your wife before?
If not you need to start having close discusion with her and making her know how you feel It help.
You are together in the marriage and for it to work you have to do it together.

sinie:

3 kids in four years

How is that even possible

@ Poster, I think you are wicked and inconsiderate! Do you know what it takes to carry a pregnany for nine months and pass through the pains of labour And she did it 3 times within a space of four years And all you can talk about is intimacy Gosh!

You'd be blind not to know the reason behind her frigidness. She ACHES for God's sakes . . . And you are going on about how you've been getting it on with other women? You feel guilty? That's not good enough!

If you know you love that woman, I suggest you put aside your selfish lust for once, pay attention to her and to her needs, do everything you can to ensure she regains her health back, try as much as you can to help with the kids . . . and I bet you, you'll get your se.x life with her back in no time!

@sinie

Tnx 4 ur comments. But i knw it'll b a shock 4 u 2 know dt she's d one dt wnts plenty children. I wanted only one child. I entered the labour room with her d first time & saw her suffer serious labour pain. I came out & sincererely told her that that one child was enough. But u cant believe that she was d one that pressed 4 d rest. So, b4 u crucify, u understand the genesis & the real story. Can u c dt I was d one feeling 4 her and dt I am NOT wicked like u think? So, do not judge based on that. Even d interval was her making. The 2nd, & d 3rd; she says she wants them 2 come fast (early), so she can rest. I mean, I dont believe in too many children. Dt s even stress 4 both of us. I think it would b right 4 me 2 deserve an apology, but dt nt withstanding, let's leave it.

manutayo:

have you ever had a discussion related to this with your wife before?
If not you need to start having close discusion with her and making her know how you feel It help.
You are together in the marriage and for it to work you have to do it together.

@manutayo
i hv. it's still ongoing. i also believe it will work out one day.


@Agatha
i hv heard u. cngrts; i didnt knw u re married. didnt meant 2 insult or b derogatory. it pains means & it shall stop. i dont even think i ve done any lately. it sounds better 2 go bck 2 mastu.bation as a married man? at least until things get better. i fell debas'ed after that. I also have obvious physical consequencies nt 2 talk abt here.


meanwhile, can u explain wht this means:

tá súil agam duit deireadh suas le warts giniúna leithscéal leat pathetic le haghaidh an duine a

@inpain & shope
Tnx. i m very gr8ful 4 d encouragemt.

I see coomunication with your wife is important here

yes drop the chachkes and deal with things manualy if you must untill things get better. not only will that keep you from putting you wifes life in danger from std's but also lowers your changes of prostate cancer. for god sake repent to your wife. she is far more likly to forgive you telling her then WHEN not if but WHEN she discovers it on her own.

as far as my other statement basicaly means i hope you gets warts from you games

agathamari:


as far as my other statement basicaly means i hope you gets warts from you games

This is nt fair to write.


Meanwhile, do u knw I ve nt had s.ex dis month (today is Feb 12)? is dt fair?

Ndeewonu:

This is nt fair to write.


Meanwhile, do u knw I ve nt had s.ex dis month (today is Feb 12)? is dt fair?

a relativly harmless std, one that will ensure noone will wanna touch your little friend. could be worse (lord only knows what you exposed yourself to already)

as to your celabacy (a whopping 12 days worth)- you want a cookie? a gold star? a standing ovation? what? you finaly start acting your age and having atleast a slight bit of respect for your vows and now you want me to throw you a parade?

agathamari:

a relativly harmless std, one that will ensure noone will wanna touch your little friend. could be worse (lord only knows what you exposed yourself to already)

as to your celabacy (a whopping 12 days worth)- you want a cookie? a gold star? a standing ovation? what? you finaly start acting your age and having atleast a slight bit of respect for your vows and now you want me to throw you a parade?

Look, this woman, u r haunting & condemning me so much. What hv I done 2 u? In short leave me alone to my woes; I will survive it. It's my cross; I guess, I can bear it, I ve already started.

Ndeewonu:


Look, this woman, hauting & condemning me so much. What hv I done 2 u? In short leave me alone to my woes; I will survive it. It's my cross; I guess, I can bear it, I ve already started.

awwww poor poor baby. if you didnt want my responce, you shouldnt have addressed me, yet alone with a question

Communication is key.

edit all the cheat you had so far and re write this in a more passionate manner and print out give your wife advice her to read several times. If she is not having an affair too she will adjust. Once in a while text her and tell her what you are going through( I know the Masculine ego will come too) But You said you love her ,so you can do more to save this marriage. Those intruder out there are evil,they have nothing to offer.

agathamari:

a relativly harmless std, one that will ensure noone will wanna touch your little friend. could be worse (lord only knows what you exposed yourself to already)

as to your celabacy (a whopping 12 days worth)- you want a cookie? a gold star? a standing ovation? what? you finaly start acting your age and having atleast a slight bit of respect for your vows and now you want me to throw you a parade?

You haven't exactly been giving mature, 5-star advice here, have you?
Helping him in a mature, decent way is also helping him save his marriage. He's already struggling with guilt, why does piling on more guilt seem like an intelligent idea to you?

@Lanre & Texazzpete

I appreciate.

It's really touchin because my husband and I went thru the same thing but he did talk to me about it.ANobody knows how hard it is for a woman to do it all.I will tell you what my husband did tho: he helped with the kids at times and also brought back the romance;it's annoying to a woman to be sooo tired and first thing in the morning,you get poked by smth on your buttocks.Reintroduce the romance in ur marriage,make her feel wanted.Good luck

agathamari:

awwww poor poor baby. if you didnt want my responce, you shouldnt have addressed me, yet alone with a question

It's ok. I'm not fighting u in any way. your advice is good. You only have a wrong impression about me, and that's what makes me feel bad. Truly, my wife knew b/4 I met her that I was nt a womaniser. For years into our marriage, I never tried anything like that until l8ly. I dont expect u 2 believe me. Often, I have no cause to tell lies here; I'm nt a teenager 4 gudness sake. What u shld know is that a person who used to eat 3-square meals a day, & suddenly starts eating 2 or one a WEEK, has cause to be sad, angry and feel dejected.

U may nt understand, u re a lady. Most men will appreciate wht I'm saying. That, nt withstanding, I hv made considerable improvements, based on what pple like u have recommended. I still hurt inside. It's hurting b/c u see ladies jumping on u daily (u dont want), yet sombody dt is bona fide partner for u is not coming forth any longer. That's hell! That's worse than hell.

Let me stop here. Wish I cld talk 2 u or smbody else, to knw hw it's really like. Mail me if u can.
I'm nt seeking pity anything, like u think.

I suggest that you do not tell her cos it may break your marriage if she cannot absorb it calmly.
i had extra marital affairs in the past because my wife had a low sex drive. when i repented of it and turned away from it, i did tell her and she was calm about it but it did not improve her sexuality anyway, so i was back to square one.
But i had a clear conscience before God and before her.It may not work that way in your situation.

Now that you are guilty of the flings, stop it immediately.Confess to God and ask for His forgiveness.He will forgive you but you must not go back to commit adultery again.If you do,It will condemn your eternity to Hell if Jesus comes to find you in that state.

2ndly, you need to learn self-control.You are highly sexually active as many men are but it seems to me that 3-4 intimacy rounds per day is too highly outrageous.That will be about 90 intimacy rounds in a month.Haba!
Are you both engines rather than flesh? Dont you have a job?You have to learn to adjust otherwise you will both look like 70 yrs old when you are 50.Though there is no standard number, i believe that twice weekly is OK.
But how do you expect a woman with 3 kids in 4 years to still have the energy and the drive for 3 intimacy rounds daily.Do you want to send her to an early grave?

Then talk to her and try to reach a compromise about how often and when to have intimacy but dont over do it.Excessive sex is injurious to health in the long run.
Take it easy o!