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Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) - Literature - Nairaland

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Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by goodieyar(f): 11:51am On Feb 09, 2010
[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]
     When you walk by ,
     I can not help but stare.
     When you look in my direction ,
     I can not help but overreact.

     When you speak to me i just want to press  PAUSE,
     I just want to savour the moment
     and hold you in my arms
     because  when I unfreeze, We're back,

     back, back to reality,
     Where I can not hold you .
     I do not want anything from you,

      All I want is to know
      you feel my presence,
      to know what is going on in you mind?

      But that's never going to happen ,
      so, PLAY
Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by 2tait: 1:14pm On Mar 12, 2010
It is only the author that knows what he/she wants to convey in a poem, so ultimately you are the best critic of your poem.

Having said that I suggest you change the title to "pause and play".

I guess from the way you concluded the poem that you intended to create a suspense.

The poem also contained some contradictions e.g.
"I do not want anything from you, All I want is , "
But then you can explain that as style.

Good work Goodie. Keep writing
Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by estrella(f): 8:56am On Mar 24, 2010
I like the concept of uncontrolled time you were trying to pass across in your poem.I must say that the poem ended rather abruptly.You would make a more lasting impression if you spent a little time convying what you would do if you had the chance to freeze time and the effect this beauty has on you.Like a wise critic once told me;don't be in a hurry to finish! cheers!
Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by shinken(m): 10:46am On Mar 25, 2010
winkur poem is outstanding.i like it.kind of reminds me of hiro nakamura in the heroes series.season two to be specific.where he froze time to better observe a lady he loved, sweet concept.keep writing,i'll keep reading.cheers

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