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|Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by goodieyar(f): 11:51am On Feb 09, 2010|
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When you walk by ,
I can not help but stare.
When you look in my direction ,
I can not help but overreact.
When you speak to me i just want to press PAUSE,
I just want to savour the moment
and hold you in my arms
because when I unfreeze, We're back,
back, back to reality,
Where I can not hold you .
I do not want anything from you,
All I want is to know
you feel my presence,
to know what is going on in you mind?
But that's never going to happen ,
|Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by 2tait: 1:14pm On Mar 12, 2010|
It is only the author that knows what he/she wants to convey in a poem, so ultimately you are the best critic of your poem.
Having said that I suggest you change the title to "pause and play".
I guess from the way you concluded the poem that you intended to create a suspense.
The poem also contained some contradictions e.g.
"I do not want anything from you, All I want is , "
But then you can explain that as style.
Good work Goodie. Keep writing
|Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by estrella(f): 8:56am On Mar 24, 2010|
I like the concept of uncontrolled time you were trying to pass across in your poem.I must say that the poem ended rather abruptly.You would make a more lasting impression if you spent a little time convying what you would do if you had the chance to freeze time and the effect this beauty has on you.Like a wise critic once told me;don't be in a hurry to finish! cheers!
|Re: Pause: (poem :pls Read And Criticise) by shinken(m): 10:46am On Mar 25, 2010|
ur poem is outstanding.i like it.kind of reminds me of hiro nakamura in the heroes series.season two to be specific.where he froze time to better observe a lady he loved, sweet concept.keep writing,i'll keep reading.cheers
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