Siena:

So you wife has (had) a secret, so what? How much of your own past does she know? How much do you expect her to tell you about hers? Do you want chapter and verse?

Everyone has a past, and we've all done certain things we're not too proud of. It's up to us as individuals to leave the past behind, and concentrate on the future. From what you're saying here, I fear your marriage is already in trouble. It's up to you to revive it, and make things work. Otherwise, let your wife go, leaving you to find a squeaky-clean replacement!

in his dreams. He seems to have married a good wife but if he doesn't realise it soon,he will end up with a jezebel

generalj1:

@MrPresident

you don't understand.

if i've known b4 hand, i won't mind.

but considering the fact that all our 5 yrs of courtship, i've lived to believe my wife has never been with a man after the abuse that happened when she was much younger (which could be true)

that due to her constant church church stuff, you considered her a good choice for spiritual partnership,

you have series of times you've seen her in the church with pastor and felt comfortable that your fiance is in good place/hand,


i can marry a love-peddler, if i've known b4 hand and am convinced that she has changed ,

Ok @Poster you must then divorce her maybe that will solve your problem, is that what you want to hear?

forget the past and move on with your wife

I am sure she felt guity inside after all this yrs thats why she told you

so don't hold that against her

Y are u ppl sounding lyk dis?? Y should d lady keep such info 4rm him?? He sounds lyk he has told her all abt himself hence d bitterness, As 4me,it aint easy 4any man(even tho u claim 2let d past be as some men are insinuating here) 2learn some secrets about ur life partner AFTER marriage, I dont care d kinda man u claim 2b but it does leave a lump on a man's throat. I might 4give her(not 4d act,but 4not telling me) but it'd sure take some time.

@poster

Its always a painful experience but still, this is marriage we are talking about.

Tell your wife to talk to the pastor to stop coming to your house, that it hurts her pretending she has not told you.

it would be better to stop the pastor from visiting you and this would keep them apart for any eventual temptation.

don't do it yourself and let it remain yyour little secret, love ur wife as u ought to, you are not a saint afterall.

it is very difficult for us humans to move on with bad and hurting memory.I give you a story about a woman that was sleeping with her husbands friends in his matrimonial home,the husband caught her and she said it was the devils work,he didi not send her away but collected the money she received from the friend that slept with her,kept the money on top of the TV in the sitting room,she sees the money everyday and could not stay any longer,that is what bad memory will do to you.God help us to marry our own.

If she decieved you into marriage e.g she had no previous lovers,the best you can do is sit her now and find a solution TOGETHER.
The solution can be positive or negative but its better if an agreement is reached.

at poster, you may not like my response, but here are the things you can do. . .

1. It's your house, you have a say on who should come to visit you. i.e, tell pastor that you do not want to see him anymore!

2. are you still going to the same church as the pastor? well, you could consider changing your place of worship. besides there are churches everywhere and God is Omnipresent!

3. sit down with your wife (or lie down) and discuss your concerns. If you really want to know all other secrets (i'm sure she would have plenty) tell her to spill the beans. You need to let her know that she needs to be more open and straight forward in the future.

4. also, i don't think you are entirely free from sins of all sort either, so you do not need to crucify her because she has slept with another man before you.

Lesson to all, you are not going to get the best girl or woman for marriage in the church. I hear of this case everytime. I see ushers in the church and the way they talk to pastors, you will know that they is something fishy going on,

a wise saying.
keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards! -Benjamin Franklin

make that ur ears half-shut afterwards

If she was shagging the pastor before you sarted dating and it stopped once you started dating then it is no big deal. Although I can understand your pain but this can be easily forgotten over time.

If however she was shagging the pastor while you were dating, then this is harder to forget but you can still move on depending on how much you love her. I think it would have been best for the woman to keep her secret. If she was going to bare all she should have done so before the marriage.

Not trying to derail the thread but this should be an eye opener to all the tools that shout pastor this pastor that, dont talk about the man of God blah bah blah.  Pastors are human and are no different from me and you.

hmmm. . .

how many other parishoners has our pastor gotten it on with

Wow! I cannot beleive this. It is either most of the respondents saying forget the past are still very young or unmarried. We are talking of a wife here. A woman you are going to spend your entire days here on earth with. E no go easy abeg. I don't blame the lady for not disclosing this kind of shame to her man before marriage cos that automatically would have ended the whole marriage plan. That she wouldn't want I know. But for one to now say put the past behind and move forward when the shameless pastor still comes to the house is impossible. How do you want that to be buried when the devil still comes to relive it with his silly visits? Hasn't he done enough damage? Wouldn't common sense tell him to keep off? I'll forgive my wife sure cos it happened in the past. I'll also forgive her for not telling me before we walked the alter cos she didn't want to loose me: that is love. But for the pastor, God help him I wouldn't kill him for still having the guts to come to my house and look me in the face. He obviously must still have been sleeping with her while we were preparing for our wedding. Ah! All these so called men of God. I'll tell my inlaws about it so they'd know the kind of man he truly is. I will personally warm him to stop coming to my house if he skill love his life. I'd do it personally so he'd know I know his little secret. Na wah sha.

The past is the past
wat do want to do abt it
old things are pass way
behold all things are now new.

chaircover:

Why is man so hypocritical and very good at removing other people’s specks.

All these people saying the man should kick his wife out, How many people honestly disclose 100% about their pasts?

It just so happened that the posters wife had an affair with a pastor who should have known better, but what difference is it from girls who have affairs with their fathers age mates, government officials, their lecturers and so on before they get married? I still think the girls parents should be informed so they look at him in a different light, especially if they have other daughters.

Now to the men, how many of you slept with your girlfriends knowing fully well that you had no intention of marrying her? I’m sure it must occur to you that some man like you is going to end up marrying these girls that you used and abused in your heyday just like you will marry one of them too.

My advise to the poster is to cut his losses, forgive his wife, ban the pastor from his home and his wife from his church and try and live in peace with his wife.

@Chaircover I coldnt have said it best, you are so spot on.

I would also advice the poster to shut this post and move on with his life as a sign of somebody that is willing to forgive and forget. I am not sure why he really wants to dwell on this issue. Does it make him feel better? I dont think so.

zyl_kenny:

Y are u ppl sounding lyk dis?? Y should d lady keep such info 4rm him?? He sounds lyk he has told her all abt himself hence d bitterness, As 4me,it aint easy 4any man(even tho u claim 2let d past be as some men are insinuating here) 2learn some secrets about your life partner AFTER marriage, I dont care d kinda man u claim 2b but it does leave a lump on a man's throat. I might 4give her(not 4d act,but 4not telling me) but it'd sure take some time.

I am not sure as to how is his agonizing over the issues suppose to help him. He needs to learn to separate himself from things that have nothing to do with him. All the wife didi here was to be open and frank with her husband, and all the husband was suppose to do was to find ways to work around the pastor situation e.g. never to invite pastor at his house, move church etc.

Let me be the devils advocate here, what if the wife has slept with one of the church members they intend to move to, then what? Are they going to move country?

i must know all dem spiky pasts b4 i make up my mind to settle wiv her!

isnt she meant to be my angel? how wud an angel wud have slept wiv men of diff pot bellies and shades?

nah,,,,,i wudnt have that, if she lies to me and have me marry her on lies, i wud make it clear her that the very dai, i get to hear fins frm outsiders, the marriage wud be off,

even if she has slept wiv obasanjo, i wud appriciate it if she tells me her self wen we r courtin dan havin to find out my self!


i'd rada ditch her bit chy a s s than live in shame for the rest of ma lyf!

If you judge a person by the number of times they go to church or their involvement in church. . .then you definitely have a long way to go!

Never judge a book by its cover!

Most spinsters you see in church looking for husbands are ladies that have "seen the world" and everything there is to it.In simple terms, YOU CANNOT FIND A GOOD WOMAN IN CHURCH! ! ! Period.Most (if not all of them have a dirty,nasty past that you don't wanna know about).A lot of these women have had good men come around them during their hey days and they turned every suitor down coz they felt they weren't good enough.At some point, they realize that the years seem to run faster and all of a sudden, they are in their thirties and unmarried! They now turn to "church" and some mugu will always fall.The pastor after banging the Holy Jesus after one single lady will recommend the lady to a single mugu of a man and tell him the "holy spirit" told him that she's the one for him.Talk about the cleanest way of getting rid of an lady.

ThoniaSlim:

If you judge a person by the number of times they go to church or their involvement in church. . .then you definitely have a long way to go!

Never judge a book by its cover!

I never judge a book by its cover. i always turn the back and read the summary there.it tells you what the book is about

sorry,but i had to

Such is life, you just have to forget about it and move on.

Everyone has a past and if one should keeping on thinking about it then his life will be stagnant

quote from SAlady
(I am not sure as to how is his
agonizing over the issues
suppose to help him. He needs
to learn to separate himself
from things that have nothing
to do with him. All the wife
didi here was to be open and
frank with her husband, and
all the husband was suppose
to do was to find ways to
work around the pastor
situation e.g. never to invite
pastor at his house, move
church etc.)

so y was it so difficult 4her 2tell him during d years'f courtship 4God's sake Many men r educated enough 2knw dat d past IS d past,bt i will not like it when i'm told AFTER marriage. Now hw're we sure der isnt a reason 4d said confession? If she couldnt tell him b4 marriage,y tell him now? I smell a rat, maybe d news was about 2get 2him and she quickly "confessed" 2him 1st. What about other secrets dat hold no threat 4nw, Will she "confess" them also?

[size=13pt]1. Change that church!

2. Do you still love your wife? If yes, talk to her about your devastation and how you might need some time to fully heal

3. Talk to her father/brother about your reasons for changing the church and be a man!

4. Most importantly, Is she clean or still 'meeting' him? If the former, then forgive and cleave to your woman, think about Christ love for you too despite all.


Finally, has she repented of her past? She needs God's forgiveness and cleansing first and then yours!

It's tough but you can WIN![/size]

@poster,you should try and forgive her,even though it's going to be hard to forget.Dont forget she is your wife.if you dont forgive her, how do you want your marriage to move forward?

As for the pastor, you have to let him know that you know he slept with your wife when she was still single.And stop him from stepping into your house.You and your wife should look for another church to attend.

9jafreak u said it all

Your wife is a hyprocrite and very unfaithful for keeping such a huge secrete from you for such a long time which signals she's still enjoying the lashes from the pastor.

My advice is chase the pastor away as far as u can and open ur eyes wide cos if u are not very careful, he might still be whipping her a.s.s and before you know it; gbam u are fathering a bastard.

i don't know because am not married

Peeps need to cut GENERALJ some slack and read his post carefully cos he is only human. According to him, he is an open-minded person who does not even have a problem marrying an ashewo, as long as that was her past and she confesses and has moved on.

He has valid reasons for asking this question namely:

1) His wife was (potentially) sexually abused and molested as a 15 year old child by a man of authority.

2) He wants to know why his wife told him and only just did.

3) He also prolly wants to know if the affair is going on.

4) He needs tips and advice on how to wipe the smug look off the Pastor's face who is still shameless enough to be prancing around like a prized buffoon.

5) This predator of a Pastor can do the same to their daughter when they have one, especially if his wife is still under his spell.

6) He needs to know who to inform within the family and how to broach the subject without splitting the family.

So abeg tender justice with mercy, my pipu, lol.

Generalj,

You mentioned that the Pastor is aware that you know i.e. he knows that you know, so i'd advise you to thread carefully before telling anyone in the family because inspite of this, he still has the audacity to come to your house with parents, flaunting his authority and position in your face.

You need to make sure your wife still loves you, because for all you know they could collude to deny there is anything between them if you out them, and this would give your wife a valid reason to dump you, incase that is her plan. Do your homework well before you involve families and outsiders. Wish you the best of luck.

Oga - we are all entitled to a past. I had a bit of a similar issue with my husband during the first year of our marriage. Truth be told, it was God that got us through that one because he made it such a big deal and, to me, it really wasn't. I got to a point where I got so tired of defending myself and just gave up and gave it to God and God brought peace back into our lives. Don't judge your wife oga - none of us have the right to do that.

Interestingly enough, Naija Divas: The Premier Online Community for Young, Married, Nigerian Women in the Diaspora - www.naijadivas.com - has a similar story but from the female perspective.

@Poster: My question is what is behind her revealing this to you after marriage? Do you have kids? Is she trying to prepare your mind for the worst? I would suggest you carry out a DNA if you have kids and to go for test. To be sincere, i do not support her action but i must to fail to realize our individual differences so i advise that you act with the utmost caution and ask God for his direction while still remembering that the past is the past; old things have past away behold all things have become new. All the best dear,
***SilknSteel***

A good song to listen to on this topic




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b723maOPOaU&feature=related

She should have thought about that before she blinded you into marrying her.