Well if you were open with her, and were not someone to judge she wouldn't hide her past from you. You are obviously someone concerned about such or you would not be here looking for solutions. The past is the past, focus on who you have come to know now and who you love. Just be more open and less judgmental , so that in the future she can confide in you.

TewMuch:

Well if you were open with her, and were not someone to judge she wouldn't hide her past from you. You are obviously someone concerned about such or you would not be here looking for solutions. The past is the past, focus on who you have come to know now and who you love. Just be more open and less judgmental , so that in the future she can confide in you.

makes no damn sense whatsoever.

ngbo poster be open to rubbish (even tolerate rubbish sef) so that she can always confide in you.

TewMuch on Yesterday at 11:41:00 PM

Well if you were open with her, and were not someone to judge she wouldn't hide her past from you. You are obviously someone concerned about such or you would not be here looking for solutions. The past is the past, focus on who you have come to know now and who you love. Just be more open and less judgmental Kiss, so that in the future she can confide in you.

[quote]Posted by: H2O2

makes no damn sense whatsoever.

ngbo poster be open to rubbish (even tolerate rubbish sef) so that she can always confide in you.

I know comprehension is a challenge for you. It is people like you that end up with women that lie and pretend to you. What about being judgmental and open as a man dont you understand? You want your wife to pretend to you like she is perfect? well she will give you what you so desire, a very imperfect woman behaving perfectly. Besides a real man will not dwell on the past, but focus on the future. You say Tolerate as if you are her father.lol. You are partners, its not a father-daughter relationship. It is also a fact that when a person is open and understanding, people trust and respect you so much more with their deepest secrets.I hope this break down of words is enough for you.

[/quote]

TewMuch:

TewMuch on Yesterday at 11:41:00 PMI know comprehension is a challenge for you. It is people like you that end up with women that lie and pretend to you. What about being judgmental and open as a man dont you understand? You want your wife to pretend to you like she is perfect? well she will give you what you so desire, a very imperfect woman behaving perfectly. Besides a real man will not dwell on the past, but focus on the future. You say Tolerate as if you are her father.lol. You are partners, its not a father-daughter relationship. It is also a fact that when a person is open and understanding, people trust and respect you so much more with their deepest secrets.I hope this break down of words is enough for you.

still making no sense. ninny. continue typing essays. real man koh fake teddy bear ni.
it's your fault that you married a dimwit that deceived her way into a marriage. real man indeed. more like a fool.

@Poster,

What is the pastor still coming to do in your house? That should be the first thing you need to stop. Stop the pastor from visiting your family/wife and bring the whole issue out in public. Why are you protecting the pastor? Or is he your pastor too? You made a mistake getting married without fully knowing your wife. Now that you are married, protect your wife from taking the same step. These 'pastor' are devious. He can be using the name of God to manipulate any woman including your wife. So, stop all contacts with this pastor. He should never step into your house and you and your wife should never step into his church. Let people know who this wolf in sheep's clothing is.

Live the present with your wife and build your future together( seems to me that you forgave her already).

my broda,
I had a similar experience that almot got me depressed. But i have since got over it simply by forgiving my wife. I pray you would have the same spirit because DIVORCE or SEPARATION is not the option as you will not be sure of the next woman. Are you going to keep changing wives? Do not discuss it with the DEVILISH PASTSOR because, the matter will be made public by so doing. Who knows, your immediate family might not take kindly to it and they would NEVER respect your wife therafter.Learn how to live with it and ALWAYS look at her GOOD side. Forgive her and move forward!

Quite a delicate situation. but he needs to realise that his wife could have kept the secret forever but she had to speak up, for me this means that she has a conscience and also that she has desisted from it. Its always better late than never. How long has this guy been her pastor for? If she was really young I think he might have taken advantage of her from an early age, it does happen to young and naive Christains who think their pastor is a god and would do anything he says.

I honestly think that he should tell the pastor off so that he knows that you are aware but of course noone else should be told so it doesnt blow out of proportion.also tell him to stay clear of you and your family,if you attend his church, please desist immediately. Please he should do all he can to save the marriage and pls do not listen to the likes H202,its easy for him to suggest divorce.

zyl_kenny:

quote from SAlady
(I am not sure as to how is his
agonizing over the issues
suppose to help him. He needs
to learn to separate himself
from things that have nothing
to do with him. All the wife
didi here was to be open and
frank with her husband, and
all the husband was suppose
to do was to find ways to
work around the pastor
situation e.g. never to invite
pastor at his house, move
church etc.)

so y was it so difficult 4her 2tell him during d years'f courtship 4God's sake Many men r educated enough 2knw dat d past IS d past,bt i will not like it when i'm told AFTER marriage. Now hw're we sure der isnt a reason 4d said confession? If she couldnt tell him b4 marriage,y tell him now? I smell a rat, maybe d news was about 2get 2him and she quickly "confessed" 2him 1st. What about other secrets dat hold no threat 4nw, Will she "confess" them also?

@Zyl-Kenny lets get it straight here I am not out to defend the woman neither am I saying she is wrong. Many educated women and men know that they wouldnt want to spent their time of courtship listerning to their partners stories of past relationships and how wonderful the escapades were. NO please dont tell me that as your partner 'cos I really really dont care.

I dont care about them because I have a big challenge ahead of me and that's to build a succesful marriage, and in fact they can just go ahead and suck my big toe for all I care. What I also care about is the man you are when it comes to our relationship. Whats important is what goes on between the two of us.

Unless if I've been that girl bragging about this trophy husband I got for myself, and if that's the case and unfortunalety I end up with a husband that's been taking his pants down for everything that moves then I guess I deserve what I got in the end, sour grapes. I could go on and on, but then I understand your position that the wife should not have said anything since she never siad anything about it in the beginning.

What Mr poster needs to do here is to get a divorce and go find himself a virgin that will complete him, since he is so perfect and sees a perfect woman as an extension of himself.

Oh by the way you know all these peolpeyou are so worried about and what they'll think of your wife they probably have their own lifes to think about yours is not so important to them,

my brother i feel you. women are full of secret (s) as deep as their reproductive organs are so are their secret it takes God who created woman to know the secrets they hold pray that pastor do good did not enjoy the best of the woman before you entered so so sad

This is a two way traffic.how about a man's past.its immaterial what a persons past is provided he/she is ready to have a fresh start.

The man himself was not a virgin before he married her so how do u determine how dirty he was?

Most ladies in nigeria  would like the love of their life to know their past.But the question still remains,who is the nigerian man civil enough to accept her as she is after the confession?

Answer me, will you marry a lady who confessed she was raped by some group of men?what is good for the goose is equally good for the gander

@ poster all I have to tell you is this, try to forgive your wife of her past afterall you too will also have done something even worse than what she did in the past.
Now the next thing you will do is to try and know if she is still having affairs with the pastor up till now.Because women can keep secret so much when it comes to extra marital runs. You can get to know this by setting some traps for her to know if she will fail.Once she fails then you now know the best thing to do with her and the next step to take.

AM CURRENTLY HAVING SUCH AN EXPERIENCE THAT I WAS SUSPECTING WHO SENT THIS THREAD, I HATE MOST PASTORS AND I TELL YOU MOST LADIES AND GUYS IN THE CHURCH HAVE AN ACTIVE SEX LIFE MORE THAN THE ORDINARY DUDE ON THE STREET, ALL THEY DO IS SCHEME WHO TO HAVE SEX WITH, BUT YOU JUST HAVE TO LET GO TRULY BUT STOP THE PUNK FROM COMING TO YOU HOUSE

it is very difficult for us humans to move on with bad and hurting memory.I give you a story about a woman that was sleeping with her husbands friends in his matrimonial home,the husband caught her and she said it was the devils work,he did not send her away but collected the money she received from the friend that slept with her,kept the money on top of the TV in the sitting room,she sees the money everyday and could not stay any longer,that is what bad memory will do to you.

and be prayerful God help man and affair

It's really sad. One thing that would be good is if people can be open with themselves to forestall traumatic times like this. It's not about saying past is past it's better to let people know what your life is about and get their mind prepared for it before signing the dotted lines. When a man/woman's heart is fully prepared then honest commitments would be easy to make. It's terribly sad finding out about stuffs like this after marriage. It's true nothing can really be done again but it makes a man/woman wonder what else the partner is hiding. Wipe your SLATES clean before your partner before getting married, it helps to foster trust better. I guess a relationship that could mature into marriage should reach this level of openness. God help us.

generalj1:

What do you do after marring your wife only to discover her dirty past.

Do you just forget and pretend they never happened or they keep haunting you. . ,  .

Do these past affects your thinking one way or do other . ,  .

Do you still consider yourself lucking?

What if you know some of these men . . ,  .

What do you do @ this stage,

Its says for better for worse abi? you have to be a man and hold your ground as the husband, you fell in love with the person that she is now not the person she was, you have to let go of the past and move on or else it will destroy the marriage. I know its easier said than done, but in a case like this i would suggest counseling, Thats why its good to be honest with each other in the beginning of the relationship so as to minimize any shocking revelations,

@generalj1
I understand your hurts and your feelings. Especially when you decided not to abuse, rough handle her during those times, thinking fully well that you are about to make a daughter of zion go astray.

I understand the fact that she was so deceptive that you hardly suspected her all those years

I understand how your heart beats heavily when you are not together because you are not sure if the dog has gone back to its vomit.

But my friend, give her a benefit of doubt. Give her the chance of proving herself to be the saint you have always felt she was until she proves otherwise. All those times, she might just be afraid of telling you for the fear of you leaving her. I am not trying to justify her infidelity all those times but just try to build a new trust for her.

As for the pastor, separate them with a decree. No contacts whatsoever and declare him personal non grata in your house. It doesn't matter if he is 50 years older than you are, this is your future and this is your life.

Just take it that shit happens. What if she still keeps the secret till now and still sees the pastor.

Remember "FORGIVE US as we FORGIVE THOSE who TRESPASS AGAINST US".

God will help you.

it's not the past so much as the hiding of the past that's the problem.
it's just disrespectful to invite the pastor that used to shag you
into your house to pray with and advise your husband and family

the reason why the OP is finding it hard moving on is because of this 'high expectations' that we place on our 'pastors'. we hold in such high esteem that we forget that they are also human beings like us with temptations and people who must fight hard as us to avoid such temptations.

so until he dispels that myth, he will never forget the pass of this wife. your pastor is just like any other man your wife would have/have slept with. nothing difference, forget all those 'sunday sunday medicine'. if you still cant get over seeing your pastor as just any man who had a fling with your wife before marriage, you might trying changing a new church/religion. try to free your mind and see it as just one of those shortcomings of man. its not as if she is still doing it after marriage.

people seriously need to stop/quit having all this high expectations of their pastors for the sake for sanity.

It is unfortunate that your wife did not tell you before marriage. She was probably afraid you might dump her. Have a heart-to-heart talk with her about your disgust with the fact that she hid this from you and give her the opportunity to open up on other hidden things in the past. Both of you can thus deal with them together, forgive and heal. For the Pastor, he is living a lie and needs to be corrected, otherwise he is on the way to Hell. You need to take your stand that he no longer comes to your house. Let your wife know that the man must stop coming to your house and if that doesn't work, you will have to get the family involved so they can know they are dealing with a wolf in sheep's clothing. How do you know this Pastor is not doing the same thing to your wife's sisters or other people's daughters in the church? He needs to be stopped. The Catholic Church in Europe is facing a crisis at the moment because of Priests who sexually molested children as far back as 35 years ago. People are beginning to come forward with evidence saying the Catholic authorities made them sign an oath of secrecy never to talk. Find a way of getting the Pastor out of your life. Stop attending the church if you are. This kind of a problem is usually handled by elders of the church in which case the Pastor may need to be disciplined. My worry is that he will still be doing it to other girls if not stopped.

PAST simply means P A S T.

Let bygones be bygones or else you guys have no marriage o.

her past will always be irrelevant to me.
we all have past we all did one or two terrible things in the past that we regret and it doesn't mean my past is better than hers

but considering the fact that all our 5 yrs of courtship, i've lived to believe my wife has never been with a man after the abuse that happened when she was much younger (which could be true)

that due to her constant church church stuff, you considered her a good choice for spiritual partnership,

you have series of times you've seen her in the church with pastor and felt comfortable that your fiance is in good place/hand,

guess she declined se x then and you conceded hoping that marriage will be blissful
oblivious of the fact that the Pastor is taking the lions share
ewoo, the lord giveth and the lord taketh sorry dear, uve just been duped
aka LOCAL 419

But is it Morally right?

We should be careful.

My Man, Think of the reason why you have contracted the marriage in the first place and then stick to it like glue.

Take these advise if your want to be happy!

As for your wife, I pity her, she was deceived, forgive her and educated her on what religion really is. NOW, you the new light in her life, she holds you esteem that is why she is telling you NOW. Then it was a secret, she just told you to avoid complications usually associated with birth delivery and all the axioms as to if she does not confess her past life to her new husband, she might "not deliver successfully. so don't blame her at all. Commend her for her courage (Afterall, u nko, How many girls u don use and dump b4 u marry her?) or whatever.
She is still a good person. Just Love her all the more "else" If she discover that you hold it against her, she might just go ahead and allow u to father another man's child / children in her womb under your roof and you will never know until you even die. So respect and care more for her NOW than ever to avoid ruining your marriage. The TRUTH is, It is only a woman that can really say who the father of a child is.


As for the pastor and his likes allow him to be. HIS SINS WILL SURELY CATCH UP WITH HIM SOME DAY. I always believe that the evil we do lives with us.
BUT, You must STOP him from coming to your house irrespective of his age and status. DO THIS LIKE A MAN. ITS YOUR HOUSE. (If he was mature enough before, he will not be deceiving these young girls in his church. Also tell him why you are stopping him from your house. So that he understands that your wife is feed of with him.

As for your marriage, PRAY TO GOD AND TRY ALL YOU CAN TO PROTECT IT AND DEFEND IT.

As for your Family coming to your house for prayers and co., deceit from IT. NO BODY CAN SAY ANY BETTER PRAYER FOR YOU THAN YOURSELF.
YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHOULD SAY YOUR PRAYERS TOGETHER AND ALONE. (", For where two or more are gathered in my Name, There I AM in their midst".)

LASTLY, READ YOUR BIBLE VERY WELL, Especially the Book of SIRACH. Like I said, DEFEND YOUR MARRIAGE.


"begin today to be what you want to be tomorrow" - St. Jerome.

This is why i keep saying that it's good for couples (especially women) to open up early in the relationship.If the guy is yours, he will stay.If he backs off, then you pick up and move on. What really hurts is to believe you married a nun and at the end, you finally discover that your wife was an "area mama".Imagine having to discover that half the men at your wedding reception had previously slept with your wife! Do you know how shameful and degrading that is? You can almost see the smiles on their faces and the laughter going on behind your back.Anytime you see them, all you can think of is the various seXxXual positions they used on your wife.All you can think of are her moans of ecstasy when they were taking her. You will feel like the biggest fool on earth.A lot of you here are talking sweet talk about seperation not being an option but just hope that such never happens to you.Even if you choose to overlook it, it will haunt you every day and night till you become ill and depressed.It will eat at you like cancer till you are dead emotionally. . .it might eventually give you high blood pressure coz you would be wondering how many more secrets she's kept from you and might wonder if she still isn't sleeping with those men in secret.Remember, even a married woman will find it difficult to resist someone she has slept with in the past if they find themselves in "suitable" circumstances e.g she and her past lover are sent on course of study abroad and are holed up in the same hotel.It will take a miracle for "nothing" to happen.

Women, abeg make una dey open up early.Speak the truth always.At the end, what will be will be.

End of!

Furthermore, the on-going speculation of 9ice and his wife Toni Payne is a classic example of how hidden past secrets can break a relationship/marriage down. It might just be a rumor or hype to sell records but things like these happen every day.

Your wife was wrong to keep the secret but you are married now so you simply need to work on your communication issues. As for that "pastor" you really need to let him know that if he comes near your house again you will roast him for sundays dinner. If this is the only complaint you have about your wife then she is an angel. I am certainly not a prude but I know what the track record of a lot of girls are these days. It seems to me that she was one of those girls that were very faithful with their christian life and the pastor took notice of it and being that he was her "father in the lord" he took advantage of her. It happens all the time. It's almost like the cannot say no becaus e spiritually and physically they almost basically reverence the person. It is even possible that this is the same man that started molesting her at age 15. Talk to your wife. She needs to come clean about EVERYTHING. The worst thing you can do now is think that she is not who you married. She is the woman you love and the same woman you married.

I've been married 14 1\2 years together 18 and my past has always been the topic of our relationship and the  marriage
never have I've known such misery being and staying in this marriage. How could 18 years be base on a past you were not a
part of? We have 5 children and now that their almost grown im so ready to leave and want to. I was 23 when we meet and
now im 42 in a few weeks and I deserve to live life and not just be alive, thought I love him, his love is not good for me. Been
on lockdown for 14 years not working or going to school because that would be an avenue for infidelity, I feel so afraid of what
I'll be facing on my own and believe thats part of the reaon for staying so long. He's say he love me but i feel so sad when
im with him and at peace when he's not around. Because of his anger about my past before we were married, he disrespects me
by calling me all kinds of unflattering names around my children and at this point in my life i feel i deserve better, he even has a
problem with me going to church, visiting friends or family thats not his. Can I get some suggestions, opinions, thoughts? If there
was a jail term for mistakes in our youth I've been out already, in this marriage there's no out date!

@@

@Chaircover,

i think being open about key things is important when you plan on getting married to someone.

I dont have to tell my intending wife that i drank Alcohol or tried weed as a 17yr old

But things like I maybe I have a kid somewhere or I have auditioned for a P0rn movie should be disclosed. How would you feel 5yrs into the wedding you discover that I have a 10yr old boy or you happen to stumble on my nude scenes in a movie?

Also if I have ever had any sexual relationship to anyone you might know, i think you should disclose.

E.g If I slept with someone you dont have a chance of meeting I might not tell, But If I have ever dated any of your friends or people you know It is a requirement for me to tell.

In a relationship, When you find out you didnt know key things about your partner, its natural you start to doubt or wonder what else is hidden?

Why didnt the woman tell the husband from time. Is the question here

///

Chaircover,

Where you draw the line depends on what is important to your finacee. The girl knows the guy wants a Saintly girl that was why she "conned" him with the "I was taken advantage of as a kid" story.

Not everyone wants to marry a Saint but you need to know somethings. They didnt get married overnight and the girl had enough time to reveal this secret if she wasnt trying to con. She played lets get married and I would tell him, when I know its difficult for him to get out.

The same way people hide their behaviour until they are married.

I am sure everyone of us has preferences and thats what influences our choices.

I have had people turn me down for different reasons and Its better I come clean with them now than later.

Imagine a girl who determines that she wants to marry a Spiri brother, i now go to meet her and Pretend perfectly like I am a spiri-koko brother, After marriage, i bring out my weed and beer bottles. If you were the bride how would you feel? Deceived? conned?

A girl that loves her husband very much might change and stop loving him immediately if she finds out he was Jack the ripper a few yrs back.

You can attempt to take the revelation to the grave but what happens when your husband find out somehow? You know thats the end of the marriage right?

My dad would say: Blessed are those whose sins are covered