Many people tell me they keep secrets from their partner because they think telling the truth will make things worse. Or they believe that their significant other simply couldn’t handle the truth and that it might end the relationship.

For instance, Kerry never told Brad that she was married briefly in her early 20s even though they’ve been dating for over a year. She explains: “I don’t really see a reason to tell Brad because it was a brief marriage and we ended on good terms. I just don’t want him to judge me harshly because he was raised Catholic.”

When I attempted to explore with Kerry the distinct possibility that Brad might find out someday — especially if they decide to get married — Kerry said: “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” At this point, I asked Kerry to consider that mistrust erodes the quality of any relationship and that keeping important secrets isn’t a way to build trust with a romantic partner.


Recent research shows that one in five people are keeping a major secret, such as infidelity or money troubles, from their spouse. Surprisingly, a quarter of respondents in this study said they kept this secret for more than 25 years. Further, one in four of those people who kept a secret in this study said that it was so big, they worried that it would destroy their marriage. Common secrets reported include money troubles, pornography and various forms of betrayal such as infidelity.

While trust is an essential element of an intimate relationship, it can be easily broken and hard to repair. When your partner withholds important information from you regardless of their reasons, it’s normal to feel betrayed. For many people any form of deceit can be a deal breaker. For example, Leah, a 29-year-old occupational therapist explains: “Trust and communication are major difficulties for me. It takes a lot to build my trust and if it’s broken, there’s a possibility it may not be earned back.”

According to author Kristen Houghton, relationships are made up of many components and people will put up with many quirks to keep a relationship going. She writes: “But if you are consistently made to feel uncomfortable or uneasy because you feel as if you cannot trust your partner, then making the decision not to take him or her back is the logical one for you. Life needs quality and a sense of security.” In other words, by keeping secrets or lying to your partner, you run the risk that you will lose their trust and put your relationship in jeopardy.

Five reasons why it’s a good idea not to keep secrets:....see more

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