kunleajaye:
Hello peeps. It's with a heavy heart that I have to say that my marriage is on it's last legs(or so I think). Sometimes last year I made a post asking for advice and things actually got a bit better afterwards (https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore), but alas, it didn't last.

My wife returned to her cold self and it just went downhill from there. We started arguing again over the tiniest of reasons. Some of the reasons for our petty arguements was the issue of her engrossing herself in school activities that sometimes took her attention from home duties. I told her a couple of times that i wasn't against her doing things like what she did and wasn't in the way of her achieving her desires and goals, but she shouldn't forget she's a mother and wife and one of her primary duties is her family. Sometimes she'd spend so much time in one fruitless meeting or the other, and when she gets home, she'll be too tired to do anything. It got to a point I had to do alot of cooking for the house so that the kids won't be hungry. It's not that she didn't do her duties. It's just the inconvenience of it all and the way her outside activities affected us that really got to me.

Another thing that got on my nerves was her attitude to her degree. Agreed, with all the things she did, she still maintained a very good GPA and was one of the best students in her department. Her lecturers would at times request she take their classes for them while they attended to other pressing issues. It was a good thing and i felt proud, but in her mind the main thing she wanted to do was business. Buying and selling like she did when we first got here and before she started school. She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares. I'll just have to stay back at home with the kids till she returned later in the night. It really did get me upset and I once asked her what the point of the degree she had studied for if all she wanted to do was sit in a store and sell stuff? We had this argument several times on end.

What eventually broke the camel's back was something she said that I'll never forgive her for. One evening, after putting the kids to bed, she approached me and said she wanted to apply for a loan. I asked her what she needed the loan for. She said for her shop. How much does she need? Ten thousand dollars. How does she expect to apply for ten thousand dollars when we have no way of paying back? Besides, where does she expect me to get the collateral from? She said someone would stand in for her. I told her I don't support the idea and she should be patient. At least after her graduation, she would be able to work full time and earn a better pay which she could then channel to doing whatever she wanted. She said no. She doesn't want to work, but sell her stuff. We started bickering back and forth about this cos I was already fed up of the whole issue, and at some point she screamed, saying I do not support her as a husband, and maybe she would have been better off marrying Awwal. [/color]


***
Awwal was another guy who fancied her when we met during our youth service in camp; she had once told me that back then she loved him as much as she loved me, and if she had to choose, she would have picked him instead of me. I asked her why she then chose me, and she said her late mother had advised her "don't make a future husband into an ordinary boyfriend, and don't make an ordinary boyfriend into a husband." In other words, don't confuse lust for love.
***


[color=#000099]She realized what she said and immediately began to apologize. I don't know how I kept my cool, and I walked away quietly. It only got worse after then. We no longer talked liked we once did apart from the necessary exchanges. I let her do whatever pleased her. Our arguements continued and sometimes we wont speak for days. I started keeping late nights, staying more in the lab after school or sometimes driving to a bar to drown my sorrows. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but the damage had already been done. Our sex life became virtually non-existent. We just remained together because of the kids.

A man has needs, and if he wasn't getting them at home, he'd start looking outside. I'm not proud to say this, but during some of my late nights out, I'd visit a discrete gentleman's club. It was on one of these outings I met one of the girls who danced there. She was a young college kid in her junior year. Over the next week or so she gave me a listening ear and I poured my heart out to her. She invited me over to her place one evening (she shared a three bedroom house with two other girls), one thing led to another and she was giving me a full n@ked massage with her body. We didn't have penetrative sex, but she gave me the sexual release my wife had denied me for such a long time. I offered to pay for her services afterwards, but she told me not to, as it was just her way of showing she cared. We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone. I asked her why she asked, and she shrugged, murmuring something to the fact that it was unusual of me not to have disturbed her for sex in such a very long time. I told her since she had decided to control when and the frequency we had sex, I had accepted my plight. I told her if she wanted sex, she knew where to find me. That night, I woke up to her snuggling up to me. It was the first time in a long while she would come to me. Try as much as I could, I just couldn't achieve an erection. My time with the stripper girl had taken away the sexual affection I had for my wife. She noticed this and started crying, saying i don't love her anymore. I simply told her it was just the stress. The following day, she was back to her normal self.

Last month, she finally graduated. I was happy that at least she would get a place to work and earn some money. But what she told me a few days later came as a shocker. She told me she wanted to go back to Nigeria. Her plan was to fulfill her dream of setting up a clothings line and since i don't want to support her, she'd rather go on without my support. I asked her if she was joking, but i could see she was dead serious. I asked who would take care of the kids if she leaves, and she said she intends going with them. infact, she had already told her sister to start looking for a nice school for them at home. I just couldn't believe it. Why make that kinda decision without consulting me first? She just told me her mind was made up. I tried changing her mind, but she remained adamant. Unknown to me, she had already booked their flight back home a long time ago. I had to call my parents to talk some sense into her, but afterwards they just told me to let her come home, that she may just need the change of environment for a while. I called and asked her sister why she didn't tell me about the plan knowing how close we were, but she simply said it was her sister's decision.

They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one. She told my mum she hasn't had the chance to get a line yet, but I know that's a lie. It doesn't take you more than a week to get a phone and a line in Nigeria. Sadly, I may have to accept the conclusion that my marriage is over.

Who knows, maybe the Awwal guy has been in touch with your wife all along and settling an old grudge. She may have just gone back to him

Sanchase:

Have you lived in the US before, my guess is No. Until then keep making biased conclusion.

Not everybody's story is the same bro.

fatymore:
he is even broke.. A cheating and broke ass man.. God forbid hypertension

Being broke is not a violation against the constitution of both Nigeria n the USA.

please, end the relationship with the stripper. Wait for your wife, send relatives to her and above all, pray for help. I assure you that it will work out for you.

Let's hear from the other party first
And I am sure many peeps here will go and modify their post

kunleajaye:
Hello peeps. It's with a heavy heart that I have to say that my marriage is on it's last legs(or so I think). Sometimes last year I made a post asking for advice and things actually got a bit better afterwards (https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore), but alas, it didn't last.

My wife returned to her cold self and it just went downhill from there. We started arguing again over the tiniest of reasons. Some of the reasons for our petty arguements was the issue of her engrossing herself in school activities that sometimes took her attention from home duties. I told her a couple of times that i wasn't against her doing things like what she did and wasn't in the way of her achieving her desires and goals, but she shouldn't forget she's a mother and wife and one of her primary duties is her family. Sometimes she'd spend so much time in one fruitless meeting or the other, and when she gets home, she'll be too tired to do anything. It got to a point I had to do alot of cooking for the house so that the kids won't be hungry. It's not that she didn't do her duties. It's just the inconvenience of it all and the way her outside activities affected us that really got to me.

Another thing that got on my nerves was her attitude to her degree. Agreed, with all the things she did, she still maintained a very good GPA and was one of the best students in her department. Her lecturers would at times request she take their classes for them while they attended to other pressing issues. It was a good thing and i felt proud, but in her mind the main thing she wanted to do was business. Buying and selling like she did when we first got here and before she started school. She wanted to set up a store where she'd import and sell african prints. There were days during the summer when I'd plan on doing Uber to supplement the little I brought in as a paycheck, only for her to tell me she'd registered for one event or another to display her wares. I'll just have to stay back at home with the kids till she returned later in the night. It really did get me upset and I once asked her what the point of the degree she had studied for if all she wanted to do was sit in a store and sell stuff? We had this argument several times on end.

What eventually broke the camel's back was something she said that I'll never forgive her for. One evening, after putting the kids to bed, she approached me and said she wanted to apply for a loan. I asked her what she needed the loan for. She said for her shop. How much does she need? Ten thousand dollars. How does she expect to apply for ten thousand dollars when we have no way of paying back? Besides, where does she expect me to get the collateral from? She said someone would stand in for her. I told her I don't support the idea and she should be patient. At least after her graduation, she would be able to work full time and earn a better pay which she could then channel to doing whatever she wanted. She said no. She doesn't want to work, but sell her stuff. We started bickering back and forth about this cos I was already fed up of the whole issue, and at some point she screamed, saying I do not support her as a husband, and maybe she would have been better off marrying Awwal. [/color]


***
Awwal was another guy who fancied her when we met during our youth service in camp; she had once told me that back then she loved him as much as she loved me, and if she had to choose, she would have picked him instead of me. I asked her why she then chose me, and she said her late mother had advised her "don't make a future husband into an ordinary boyfriend, and don't make an ordinary boyfriend into a husband." In other words, don't confuse lust for love.
***


[color=#000099]She realized what she said and immediately began to apologize. I don't know how I kept my cool, and I walked away quietly. It only got worse after then. We no longer talked liked we once did apart from the necessary exchanges. I let her do whatever pleased her. Our arguements continued and sometimes we wont speak for days. I started keeping late nights, staying more in the lab after school or sometimes driving to a bar to drown my sorrows. I tried getting a marriage counselor, but the damage had already been done. Our sex life became virtually non-existent. We just remained together because of the kids.

A man has needs, and if he wasn't getting them at home, he'd start looking outside. I'm not proud to say this, but during some of my late nights out, I'd visit a discrete gentleman's club. It was on one of these outings I met one of the girls who danced there. She was a young college kid in her junior year. Over the next week or so she gave me a listening ear and I poured my heart out to her. She invited me over to her place one evening (she shared a three bedroom house with two other girls), one thing led to another and she was giving me a full n@ked massage with her body. We didn't have penetrative sex, but she gave me the sexual release my wife had denied me for such a long time. I offered to pay for her services afterwards, but she told me not to, as it was just her way of showing she cared. We ended up making similar arrangements a few more times, and each time we took it a bit further. The furthest we went was the time we had a 69 on her bed, and she came all over my face while I splooged her mouth. I always had to wipe myself off properly and take a shower once I got home to rid of all the oil and smell of pheromones on my person.

I guess my wife suspected something was going on cos she asked me one day if i had been seeing anyone. I asked her why she asked, and she shrugged, murmuring something to the fact that it was unusual of me not to have disturbed her for sex in such a very long time. I told her since she had decided to control when and the frequency we had sex, I had accepted my plight. I told her if she wanted sex, she knew where to find me. That night, I woke up to her snuggling up to me. It was the first time in a long while she would come to me. Try as much as I could, I just couldn't achieve an erection. My time with the stripper girl had taken away the sexual affection I had for my wife. She noticed this and started crying, saying i don't love her anymore. I simply told her it was just the stress. The following day, she was back to her normal self.

Last month, she finally graduated. I was happy that at least she would get a place to work and earn some money. But what she told me a few days later came as a shocker. She told me she wanted to go back to Nigeria. Her plan was to fulfill her dream of setting up a clothings line and since i don't want to support her, she'd rather go on without my support. I asked her if she was joking, but i could see she was dead serious. I asked who would take care of the kids if she leaves, and she said she intends going with them. infact, she had already told her sister to start looking for a nice school for them at home. I just couldn't believe it. Why make that kinda decision without consulting me first? She just told me her mind was made up. I tried changing her mind, but she remained adamant. Unknown to me, she had already booked their flight back home a long time ago. I had to call my parents to talk some sense into her, but afterwards they just told me to let her come home, that she may just need the change of environment for a while. I called and asked her sister why she didn't tell me about the plan knowing how close we were, but she simply said it was her sister's decision.

They left two days after Christmas. To date I'm yet to receive a call from her. I've sent her several emails but she hasn't responded to even one. She told my mum she hasn't had the chance to get a line yet, but I know that's a lie. It doesn't take you more than a week to get a phone and a line in Nigeria. Sadly, I may have to accept the conclusion that my marriage is over.

you pushed her out oga! my opinion though. you shouldnt have rushed to the arms of the call girl.

SkinnyNigga:
dream of selling cloth ? What's the need for the degree if you won't utilize it ?

That's the misconception in Nigerian. What's the difference between a tailor and a fashion designer? Education.
Education is not only meant for white collar jobs trust me. The way you present, market, manage your business is largely dependent on your knowledge. Trust me, her education did not go to waste.

agabaI23:
Give her time. Her plans will manifest soon. Latest, by June this year, she will pick your calls or she will call to ask for divorce because she has a new person if Anwwal is still available.

Face your work. Make sure you are financially strong in no time. You can do 10 jobs but make that your account smile. Don't forget to send money fùuuor your kids and if you have to her. But your kids upkeep you can't play with. Send through her sis and keep record.

Good advise, but I don't think he should send money through the Sister, if her parents are still alive, he should do so through them, if not, then the Sis, but someone else has to be in the know.

Most importantly, keep records and make good money.

In the next 4 to 6 months, she'll come calling.

eagleonearth:
Marriage is an institution ordained by God and kept for "men and women". Devil who is always against anything instituted by God always attack it. You went wrong when you started seeing another woman. The Devil got you right there. At that point, God took his leave. You are now alone and that stripper will soon taste bitter in your mouth cos there's nothing like family after God. Go before Jesus sincerely and ask him to help you. He always give people another chance though some damages might never be undone in your marriage because sin is a destroyer. Take hold of this opportunity to get closer to your maker and watch him lead you back into the arms of the people you cherish. Do this and thank me later.

Then why did God create devil?? Sick twisted christians who never ask any questions. So God creates devil then turns around and blames u for the effects of devil it created. That's madness!

BigBashiru:


Then why did God create devil?? Sick twisted christians who never ask any questions. So God creates devil then turns around and blames u for the effects of devil it created. That's madness!

Devil according to the bible was created an Archangel and was with God in heaven before he rebelled and was cast down. Even at that, if you were left without nothing to tempt you, your absolute loyalty to your Creator could never be ascertained. You could have been a robot without the Tempter.

funmisticqueen:
a wife is not a man's property, they are patners, they belong to each other.

May I add : Some women are better fit to be the bosses to their men.

.

obadizena:


May I add : Some women are better fit to be the bosses to their men.

why? as for me i dont want to be my husbands boss. too much work abeg

chuksbogus:
DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH??/if you do ,its better to accept reality than to be in denial .Getting back to this kind of marriage will always suffering,regrets ,pain ,loneliness,and married bachelor.If I am in your shoe I will be happy cus she on her own accord left which would have taking toll on you if you had been the one pushing her to leave. Please don't go and try to rekindle the fire that is already gone.pls move on and get your life back.this advice is based on what you narrated here which I don't know the role you played but if this is what happened ,PLS MOVE ON

I agree with u and thanks 4 saying ur advice is based on what he narrated here. I really don't think any Nigerian guy will accept all these from a lady and still luv her. something is fishy

funmisticqueen:
why? as for me i dont want to be my husbands boss. too much work abeg

By being the boss, I mean being in charge & control. Some women are better in managing the home than their men.

U prefer being controlled & used as a footmat?

Too much work? U can't help it, when u're better trained, have greater capacity & more qualified than him; when u're best suited to take a position in a Female Led Relationship.

obadizena:


By being the boss, I mean being in charge & control. Some women are better in managing the home than their men.

U prefer being controlled & used as a footmat?

Too much work? U can't help it, when u're better trained, have greater capacity & more qualified than him; when u're best suited to take a position in a Female Led Relationship.

of course as a human being i dont like to be controlled and be used as a footmat, but there has to be a balance where two of u trust each other with your strength and weaknesses, not controlling eachother leaving space for foreign entities to dissolve th union

funmisticqueen:
of course as a human being i dont like to be controlled and be used as a footmat, but there has to be a balance where two of u trust each other with your strength and weaknesses, not controlling eachother leaving space for foreign entities to dissolve th union

@ the emboldened.

Sorry to say, the bitter fact is that, most Naija guys have developed the mentality that a lady cannot be superior to a male in some (if not most) spheres of life & this is partly due to lack of respect majority of males have for females.

Suprnov3r:
It's sad. Painfully sad.

These women sometimes don't know where to draw the lines between family and career. Also it seemed she never got over her ex

Your marriage is actually over. Just don't let it break you. Don't let her go with the kids though

But the marriage isn't over. What I see here is an accumulation of frustration and unresolved misunderstandings. Women are more intuitive than you guys think. She felt the emotional disconnection from hee husband. She must have even known about the affair. When he couldn't get it up for her, her heart must have been shattered to smithereens. Last year, when he kept complaining of not feeling attracted to her, she must have sensed it too. Do you know how that feels?Plus, the lady wants to do something she feels her husband isn't supporting. Rather than be patient and reason it out with him, she's insisting on having it her way. But the marriage is still very salvageable.

Nutase:
Congratulations..... Now you can turn the stripper to a wife.

Bad advice Mr man

kunleajaye:
Thank you all for your kind comments in this trying times for me. I do love my wife and I adore my kids and would never abandon them. I came to the US with her to better myself and further my education, and since i didn't want her to remain idle and dormant while i studied, i advised her to apply to skool too. All this I explained in my post last year. I'll do anything for my kids and wife and she knows it.

Her feelings for her ex,the Awwal guy or whatever the name is,will forever be a sore spot between you. She made it plain she loved him more than you even to your face in spite of having kids with you. They are like that.The guy may not even be as caring and good lookin as you but they are just like that. Think about your old age. If she makes the same remark about the guy to you when you are like 60 years old,will your heart be able to bear it then?She is not your 'wife'.

PrimadonnaO:


But the marriage isn't over. What I see here is an accumulation of frustration and unresolved misunderstandings. Women are more intuitive than you guys think. She felt the emotional disconnection from hee husband. She must have even known about the affair. When he couldn't get it up for her, her heart must have been shattered to smithereens. Last year, when he kept complaining of not feeling attracted to her, she must have sensed it too. Do you know how that feels?Plus, the lady wants to do something she feels her husband isn't supporting. Rather than be patient and reason it out with him, she's insisting on having it her way. But the marriage is still very salvageable.

A fact that most guys don't know.

@imconfused, pls kindly respond to my mail segunnnpcgroup@gmail.com