Hey all,

I have been trying to help a friend of mine understand a confusing situation she found herself into. I have no counseling skills so I defer to you lol.
Anyhow, this girl just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years for various issues (most stemming from him) and has been single for about 2 months now. Just recently, a guy that she dated 5 years ago, contacted her and they chatted for long hours on 2 separate occasions. He was her first serious relationship and so was she for the guy (a very well behaved, ambitious, respectable young man). It turns out, the guy has a girlfriend whom he has been dating for 4 years as well. Was is a little strange is that the guy kept several items which my friend had given to him when they were dating; to be specific an inspirational book, and he reminded her exactly what she had told him 5 yrs ago while giving him the book. Mind you, the guy in question has moved between several countries back and forth several times, but when they were chattin, got up for 15 sec, and came back with the book which obviously wasn't buried somewhere in a box after so many years. She was quite surprised by this, since the guy is staying only temporarily in the country in which he is right now (and therefore even if he still had the book, it wouldnt make any sense to carry it around from country to country).
Also, when they were dating, the girl had to leave for a different country for her studies and the guy suggested that they exchange their diaries (he writes mainly thoughts and reflections about life -- and she writes down the daily girly stuff that girls journal about), which they did, but for some reason, he kept both journals, typed hers up on his computer, and up until now reads it frequently. He has also kept a video of hers; all of these locked up in a folder in his computer, and when she asked him to delete all this stuff as they have both moved on, he responded that they were too precious to him to do so, and that maybe one day, when they meet face to face he would tell her why he cannot get rid of all this stuff.

She is a bit confused about why the guy is keeping all this stuff, and does not quite know if that means that the guy still has feelings for her or not. They actually had a great relationship, with a lot of complicity, and a great friendship, but that was 5 years ago and they hadnt spoken to each other since then. She says that she's trying not to talk with him anymore coz she does not want to have her feelings for him get rekindled, esp since he has a girlfriend; she actually feels bad that she spoke with him that long, coz she says if she was in the girlfriend's shoes, she would hate to know that her boyfriend is chattin with his ex-girlfriend. What do you think this could mean? How should she read into it? Should she just forget about all of this? What would you do? What would you advice her?

PS: the guy is actually coming in the country where my friend lives in a few months, and suggested that all of their friends from the period they were dating who are in that country as well (including her) meet up to catch up. Also the guy and his gf are in a long distance relationship (the girl that he is currently dating is actually a girl he had kissed while he was still dating my friend years ago -- but he had confessed to her at the time coz according to him, he couldnt stand not telling her it)

Confusion

Mrbrownjay, where art thou? You're seriously needed over here.

Hard one

@ poster,why hide under the cloak of deception.the person ur talkin abt is yourself and u really want ur former boyfriend back cos u just got dumped.you need n/landers to support your schemin azz in gettin back ur bobo.all d best in ur plans.deceptive schemer

one word - psycho

Didnt read the whole Ish, too long and too confusing prolly have to blaze a blunt to be able to concentrate. Anyhoo, from the lil I seen it seems to me like someone is insane!!! yeah, psychos, . . . . . .

Some old folk said old fire wood no de quench let her go back if she still has feelin 4 him but i'll advice that she should'nt be too fast about it

I can't make out anything from this gibberish.Can you tell this story in a more subtle manner.

who ever it is u are writing about be it ur friend or u, love is magical u can do little or nothing to stop it flowing, heartbreakes happen and stuffs happen also. If u love him go for him cos he himself willnt b happy with his girl friend even if u avoid him, accept him back if he wants to be back and pray for the girlfriend to find a better guy. marriage is not a game dats why love was created to be with us during d difficult time of marriage, if he doesnt love his girlfriend but he manages her cos u are not their. i say fight for what u love no subsitute for love.

sophy09:
, I
Confusion

  Yeah definitly,  life love can be so complicated at times

abrahym:

Hard one

  Yup, I told her what I would do if it was me, not what I think she should do, so that tomorrow if things dont work out, she won't blame me for the wrong/poor advice. Their story is complicated, I sense that the guy still likes/loves her, but not sure whether he is just cherishing old memories. 5 years is a long time, and ppl change. The guy was in his early twenties then and she was 18 at the time, so I'm sure they have both grown up and evolved in different ways that might not make them compatible if they chose to be together at some point in the future.

emorse:

Mrbrownjay, where art thou? You're seriously needed over here.

LOL,   ;Dyeah more thoughts needed!

sesman:

one word - psycho 

You know what, thats what I thought at first. Because seriously what african man does that That's actually kind of freaky and I had told her to not even talk to the guy at first, and that's what I would have done, coz you just never know, but maybe, that's with a big M, the guy actually loves her,

bennygee:

@ poster,why hide under the cloak of deception.the person your talkin abt is yourself and u really want your former boyfriend back cos u just got dumped.you need n/landers to support your schemin azz in gettin back your bobo.all d best in your plans.deceptive schemer

Nahhh,  don't worry, not me. If it was, then it would have been easier and less confusing to ppl to tell the story that way but thx anyway 

bk/babe97:

Didnt read the whole Ish, too long and too confusing prolly have to blaze a blunt to be able to concentrate. Anyhoo, from the lil I seen it seems to me like someone is insane!!! yeah, psychos,  . . . . . .

Hmm, yeah, sorry,  im not that great of a writer, not sure how best I could have explained the story to make it less confusing. But I agree, the post is long and confusing lol.

Enockia:

Some old folk said old fire wood no de quench let her go back if she still has feelin 4 him but i'll advice that she should'nt be too fast about it

Which is what I feel she wants to do,  but I told her to be careful coz what if the guy really loves his gf of 4 years (which would be normal)? Maybe the guy is just a bit confused and will come back to his senses and she will get hurt. Plus the guy might see her as "easy" coz the truth of the matter is, she would be "stealing" or attempting to steal somebody else's boyfriend which honestly is wrong.

Thanks all for responding,  keep your thoughts coming, 

naija_swag:

I can't make out anything from this gibberish.Can you tell this story in a more subtle manner.

Naija_swag, ok let me try again:

1. My friend dates this guy for a little less than a year. They have a great relationship, with a lot of complicity. It's the first serious relationship for both of them -- the kind where they do things together and for each other, learn to make concessions and all that good stuff. She is 18 and the guy is in his early twenties.

2. At some point, the guy has to go to a neighboring country to visit some family members for a few weeks; he cheats on his gf (he kisses some girl -  a friend of a family member or something). He comes back and confesses to his gf that he has kissed another girl and that he cant stand the thought of hurting her by hiding that mistake from her. She forgives him, it's just a kiss afterall, and they continue their relationship as it was before

3. A few months later, she has to travel to a different country for her studies. They don't break up, they decide to continue the relationship and see where that's going to lead. Before she leaves, her bf suggests that they exchange their diaries, but she doesnt want to read the details of his cheating on her which he also wrote down in his diary so she tells him that he should keep both diaries.

4. She goes abroad for her studies. At first things are great but they end up not writing each other as regularly and communication just wears off. She gets scared that the guy might just be cheating. Plus, she has no  idea when she is going to see him again and does not want to lock him into a relationship if he wants to be free so she breaks up the relationship. The guy is ok with that. They decide to stay friends.

5. Few months later, she meets a guy, they start dating. They stay together for a little bit over 4 years. The guy is jealous type and so to avoid any issues, she deletes all of her male contacts (including ex boyfriend) except family members. Before deleting them, they randomly happen to be online at the same time, so her ex starts up and conversation, but she tells him that she is now dating somebody else, and that he would be better for them not to communicate anymore. The guy agrees (he doesnt really have a choice), but once in a while tries to speak to her when he sees her connected (she ignores and blocks him so she doesnt get in trouble with her current boy friend).

6. 5 years later: she is now single again (too many issues with her jealous, controlling boyfriend who by the way almost isolated her from her family as well). One day that she is online, the ex-boyfriend tries to speak to her again, so she unblocks him and they start talking. They haven't spoken in over 4 years.
At first about they catch up about their lives then the guy tells her about the diaries: he has typed up her diary on his laptop and has been reading it for all these years; he has kept videos of her as well as this particular book that she gave him 5 years ago when they were dating. The guy actually even told her exactly what she had told him while giving him the book. The guy was on webcam, so he asked her if she remembered that particular book, she said yes, and got up, went to get the book and came back. She was puzzled by that, particularly because the guy has moved between several countries several times, and she didnt think he would have kept that book "readily available", and not in a buried in a box somewhere or lost in a back closet.
When she asked him to get rid of all these stuff since they have both moved on a long time ago, he told her that he couldnt -- She asked him why and he just answered that he will tell her one day, hopefully soon, when he will be able to speak to her face to face.

7. Problem is, the guy has a girlfriend whom he has been dating for the past 4 years who is actually the particular girl that he had kissed when he was dating my friend. It is a long distance relationship but nevertheless, 4 years is a long time.

So my friend is confused about what this all means. She does not want to get into a relationship right away (still recovering from her breakup with the over-possessive boyfriend) but even though she doesnt want to admit it I know she's been thinking a lot lately about that guy. She is trying not to talk to him because she is afraid her feelings for him might come back and get stronger. Plus, the guy has a gf and he wouldnt have stayed for 4 years with her if he didnt love her even if it's long distance.

Finally, the guy is coming where my friend lives in a few months (actually moving there) and has suggested and they meet and catch up (her and other friends of them).

Alright, hope it's clearer, 

Thoughts? Comments?

Emperoh:

Poster

I am afraid, you friend doesn't have much choice or chances or not rekindling that old feeling!!
its very strong especially on the guys part. . . .If they eventually meet, i dare think something romantic will happen.
Friends who knew them will even urge them on. . . .so i fear the present girls ex.

Now, here is what i advise. . . .a times like this, one is bound to jettison the idea of 'if it were me' and do what your heart tells u.
If the guy is willing to take the plunge and u know he is sincere and honest about it, pls go ahead.
Cos no matter how much she tries to suppress that feelings, its so strong u can push it aside.
Chances of ex coming together are very high for most people, especially for people who didn't 'officially' break up or those who parted ways amicably. . . .while for some its a no go area

Regardless of what anyone might think, the guy has shown enormous respect for memories she's had with the girl in question
and same can be said of his perception of her. . . so i think she is in good hands.

But i warn, situation should be clear before any emotions or feeling are nurtured further than they are now.
If the guy is game and keen to renew old romance. . . . pls let her go ahead.

My one pence though!!

Emperoh, your reply was insightful and actually helpful. I printed it for her to read and obviously now she's gonna start thinking even more about him and a possible relationship. What you said about how easily old feelings resurface seems to be true coz I was surprised at how fast she started talking about the guy when she has only been single for 2 months. But she's not the kind of girl that goes from guys to guys, on the contrary.
Where my problem is, is that the guy is dating somebody else, so even if the feelings are mutual on his part and the part of my friend, I still think that anything she does to encourage that, which could be merely talking with him, is wrong because it drives the guy further from his gf. And even though I really want her to be happy (and I witnessed how happy she was with him 5 years ago), I still think attempting to be with somebody else's man is wrong even if it's your ex.
However, the guy seems genuine, and im thinking he wouldnt have gone through all that careful keeping of memories of their relationship if deep down he had not loved her all this time, I just wouldnt like to be in the other girl's shoes
Thanks for ur reply Emperoh

Madukaele:

who ever it is u are writing about be it your friend or u, love is magical u can do little or nothing to stop it flowing, heartbreakes happen and stuffs happen also. If u love him go for him cos he himself willnt b happy with his girl friend even if u avoid him, accept him back if he wants to be back and pray for the girlfriend to find a better guy. marriage is not a game dats why love was created to be with us during d difficult time of marriage, if he doesnt love his girlfriend  but he manages her cos u are not their. i say fight for what u love no subsitute for love.

[b]Madukaele [/b]thank you for your reply,
I partially agree with you,  If I switch on romantic mode, I totally agree with you actually. I think if they were to come back together, and get married, they would have a wonderful story to tell their kids. You know what, my mom had a friend to whom something like that happened. The friend was dating this guy in her teenage years then they separated. They went they separate ways and moved to different countries. They married and had kids. Then one day, they randomly met each other, and it was love at first sight all over again. They got divorced from their respective spouses, got back together with all of their kids. They just got married a few years ago, and they have 2 kids together: altogether they have 8 kids I believe, and there are very happy family. Both parents love each other very much so they take good care of the other spouse's children. I just feel bad for the ppl they first married.
But when I switch on reality mode, I'm more skeptical,  But I agree with you about marriage being so important that it's not about marrying out of loyalty but how of deep love,
I guess I should advise her to fight very carefully and wisely,  and to drop the battle when necessary,  thanks!

ooh!!

Madukaele:

who ever it is u are writing about be it your friend or u, love is magical u can do little or nothing to stop it flowing, heartbreakes happen and stuffs happen also. If u love him go for him cos he himself willnt b happy with his girl friend even if u avoid him, accept him back if he wants to be back and pray for the girlfriend to find a better guy. marriage is not a game dats why love was created to be with us during d difficult time of marriage, if he doesnt love his girlfriend but he manages her cos u are not their. i say fight for what u love no subsitute for love.

Madukaele, I take it you are a romantic

Having a girlfriend and marrying someone are two different things.Every marriage needs a bit of spark to flourish at the beginning.My advice is have a talk with him and really find out more about him,without being anywhere emotionally involved, know about the other lady in his life.If he is meant for you,it's his decision to maturely and nicely end that relationship and not with any push from you and if he does come after you,it mustn't be to come and waste your time being your boyfriend,it should be marriage immediately(strike the iron when it is hot).Love is magical at times but please use your head before you land in stark realities.

Sleek Reek:

Having a girlfriend and marrying someone are two different things.Every marriage needs a bit of spark to flourish at the beginning.My advice is have a talk with him and really find out more about him,without being anywhere emotionally involved, know about the other lady in his life.If he is meant for you,it's his decision to maturely and nicely end that relationship and not with any push from you and if he does come after you,it mustn't be to come and waste your time being your boyfriend,it should be marriage immediately(strike the iron when it is hot).Love is magical at times but please use your head before you land in stark realities.

Sleek Reek, thank you for the advice, will pass it on. I think that's the wisest thing to do right now.
Update: They have been talking on a regular basis (like every few days), and he was honest about him loving his girlfriend even though they have some issues right now; my friend kept acting like a friend, telling him to be careful and not hurt his gf, and putting herself in the gf's shoes. She says she wants him to be happy, she'd rather have them break up because of personal issues internal to the relationship, not because she encouraged it in any way because if they end up together, the guy might go back to the other girl if their "emotional business" was not completely finished. He actually called her to tell her him and his gf broke up (I guess he was kinda depressed and needed to talk). Last I heard, the guy and his gf's decided to make the break up temporary and to take a break instead (still being together) for a month so they can each have some space. The other day my friend and the guy talked the whole night. Not sure what that all means. Told her to take is easy, and never allude to any feelings she might have for him until the guy officially and clearly breaks up with his girlfriend, and wants to move on completely.

@POSTER or her friend, learn to leave ur past
behind and move forward, u shld b taking a bold step
forward nt backward, the feelings is just 4 a while,
ZIP UP!

This is a job for, *drum rolls please* MRBROWNJAY.

Anyway I do not like the sound of things.Let her take her time.Remember he is not going to be around,N if eventually you guys opt for a long distance relationship,dnt forget that at the moment he has a long distance gurlfwen,And what goes around comes around.Law of karma.

Aaah. . .òri ti fó mí

lallafati:


Sleek Reek, thank you for the advice, will pass it on. I think that's the wisest thing to do right now.
Update: They have been talking on a regular basis (like every few days), and he was honest about him loving his girlfriend even though they have some issues right now; my friend kept acting like a friend, telling him to be careful and not hurt his gf, and putting herself in the gf's shoes. She says she wants him to be happy, she'd rather have them break up because of personal issues internal to the relationship, not because she encouraged it in any way because if they end up together, the guy might go back to the other girl if their "emotional business" was not completely finished. He actually called her to tell her him and his gf broke up (I guess he was kinda depressed and needed to talk). Last I heard, the guy and his gf's decided to make the break up temporary and to take a break instead (still being together) for a month so they can each have some space. The other day my friend and the guy talked the whole night. Not sure what that all means. Told her to take is easy, and never allude to any feelings she might have for him until the guy officially and clearly breaks up with his girlfriend, and wants to move on completely.

you should put yourself in the other ladies shoe,if its you will u be happy?your ex is trying to breakup with his current gf all because of you,but this was the same guy that your "blocked" on all socials simply because "you were in a relationship"assuming it worked out as you planned will you remember him?because your current bf just dumped u,you are trying to run back to your (sttuppidd ex,yes very stupppid for giving your type a second chance) ex so as to ruin his relationship of 4yrs,even to the extent of encouraging him to take a "temporary break"with his gf...
You are so heartless,pls go and get a life,find your man as well,leave your ex and gf,just let them be...
Your conscience is judging you already,thats why you are saying that its your friend that needs the advice...
Karma is a bitttchhh!
Nansense.

baybbootz:
This is a job for, *drum rolls please* MRBROWNJAY.

Anyway I do not like the sound of things.Let her take her time.Remember he is not going to be around,N if eventually you guys opt for a long distance relationship,dnt forget that at the moment he has a long distance gurlfwen,And what goes around comes around.Law of karma.

Don`t mind that bittchh.

People do go to a lot of trouble just for a quick lay.


Imagine this long write just for the sake of creeping.

Una nor get hobby ni?

Didn't even read the whole thing, lhm