Lovelywings:


I think you need to wise up to what is going on. Women always think "my own will be different". Other women like you have gotten killed one day by the husband is in a fit of anger. They too thought they could manage the situation. They too reasoned well, he has not hit me in 8 years. He only called me names.

You need to research if the laws in your country of residence have protection for women who are not permanent residents. Google a domestic violence shelter in your area - I guarantee there is one. Not a help centre, an organization that specializes in women experiencing violence in the home. Explain your visa situation, explain your financial constraints, tell them everything. Then ask them what are your options. I am assuming you are on a visa, based on your post. If you aren't, then you really have no excuse for remaining in the marriage. Still, I guarantee you "report him to the police" is not the only option., or if it is they will tell you what will happen after and how it will benefit you.

I called them as well they said I will be linked to them if am really in a danger from him, like those stalking types. That I also have to file against him at police. But other benefit I cannot get due to visa status. We are citizens of where we moved from and they are good with women. They gave me option of since I have a good profession I should wait until I start work then go and rent. I will keep searching. I wish I could get a temp accomodation now so i dont have to wait until 2-3months. Landlords also dont take unemployed people even with 3 months upfront; which I suggested as i have some savings.
He sent me a text message 'I am sorry" yet we stay in the same house. It shows me his type of heart that you could do that kind of atrocity and feel that 3 typed words will make it alright.

ikpuru1234:


I called them as well they said I will be linked to them if am really in a danger from him, like those stalking types. That I also have to file against him at police. But other benefit I cannot get due to visa status. We are citizens of where we moved from and they are good with women. They gave me option of since I have a good profession I should wait until I start work then go and rent. I will keep searching. I wish I could get a temp accomodation now so i dont have to wait until 2-3months. Landlords also dont take unemployed people even with 3 months upfront; which I suggested as i have some savings.
He sent me a text message 'I am sorry" yet we stay in the same house. It shows me his type of heart that you could do that kind of atrocity and feel that 3 typed words will make it alright.

Okay. It sounds like they told you to make a plan for the next 3 months of finding a job ASAP, then getting an place to move to. You just need to be careful over those three months. Save money secretly. Open a bank account he does not know of. Pretend that you are okay with things, even make up a reason why you want to get a job ("I see you work so hard honey, just want to help" and don't try to argue with him, just do it. The man is dangerous, and you just want you and your kids to survive. I hope the place you went to has an emergency shelter or can refer you to one? Make sure you have that info in case your husband goes bersek one day.

These websites provide some advice. Do not log into them on any device your husband has access to!1 Do not let him know that you are planning to leave in the future.

https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/safety-tips/domestic-violence-victims/safety-when-preparing-leave-abuser

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/news-and-views/shine-a-light/getting-out-safely-how-to-leave-an-abusive-partner-20161019-gs5vc4.html

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/05/develop-an-exit-strategy-how-to-stop-verbal-abuse-part-5/

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/28/i-had-the-courage-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship


I hope you make it. I really do.

TonyeBarcanista:
@Ikpuru1234

Does your hubby still snore?


Your husband really have problem with his ego!

If the emboldened are TRUE then I think he needs serious counselling!


Beside, what kind of friends does he keep? Are they responsible (in your opinion)?

All his/our friends are well mannered, God fearing and educated

Oyindidi:
Sagamite, your service is needed here.

Go away!

When you see a mental patient, you should be able to identify them.

Abi you want to divorce your husband and marry this one, so you are just flirting with him first?

ikpuru1234:


I feel he has a deeper underlying psychological issue that have not been resloved. His dad treats their mum bad. He used to beat her when they were growing up and we heard my husband being the oldest will be holding their dad crying. I feel like he takes after his dad in this area as he could be doing that if he is not more educated than his dad. Secondly he knows he can't do it where he lives, this is why he resolved to spitting or shrugging. Having said that, his younger immediate brother is a nice guy, his wife tells him off outside and he doesn't react but mine would do worse and still keep malice.
Sometimes I feel he should be on antidepressants because of his quick changing moods and anger.
He starts quarrel, then blame you. Starts keeping malice and then starts complaining its affecting him at work. I dread his type will cause a havoc in our marriage and then blame me and kill himself and me.
Yes he can go very low in committing suicide. He did mention the thought came to his mind when he first came abroad and was passing through initial struggle people go through. He even had a job his uncle got for him, it's just waiting to transit into his medical profession.

Then that begs the questions:

When did you know about this family history?

When did he start demonstrating this similar traits as his shithole dad?

Why would you have kids or more kids with such a psycho (if you knew before the kids/a kid)?



Apart from those questions and the possible consequential error of judgement, my advice would be:

- Stop fcking arguing with a mad man or engaging in any antagonising response .........(if you continue, you too get crase; only someone mad argues with a mad person, especially a violent one)
- Start building your personal finances and support network patiently
- Once you have the finances, get the fck out of the miserable institution called marriage (which, worse still, in your case is with a psychopath)
- There is nothing for you in this set-up except misery and possibly death
- Let him have access to seeing the kids after you leave

No relationship or marriage is worth sacrificing your happiness for. Get out of it.

As a woman, I know it is even worse for you as you are built to want to be loved and appreciated; that is what makes you happy in life. You will not get these in this current miserable set-up.

You might have to wait another 10 years or so before you would be in a position to freely date again (i.e. the kids have flown the nest), but it would be better than another 10 years of this misery and would provide an opportunity to make better choices in a partner.

ikpuru1234:

I am not saying that i am an angel but do two people have to be angels to live in Peace? We all have faults but we can get mad or put ur point across without letting it escalate to screaming. Not little things. I also did not say he is all evil. I only narrated our problem. I have never been the one to escalate things. The only thing he complains about me is that he doesn't like the way I talk to him but it seems he wants me dormant now since little normal discussion is also a problem. The only thing I can conclude is that he is too sensitive and its getting on my nerves now because when he does or say similar stuff to me I dont go gaga. U see what am trying to explain. His over reaction to minor stuff

There is no love in a situation where someone spits on you.

It is not acceptable under any conditions.

I spit on shit.

You will not get happiness in this relationship. Memories like this don't go away.

ikpuru1234:


Thanks. My thought exactly. I told him that is also like cheating. He used to be spiritual like preaching in our previous church but stopped even praying now when he struggled to pass one of his prof exam. He concluded that prayers doesn't really make any changes to situations rather what will happen will happen. I noticed since then he shows no remorse of any of his actions.

It is not cheating and that is the least of your problems.

Porn-o is God's special gift to men through the work of professional fellow humans! Nothing wrong with that shyt, it can be fcking spiritual if one is watching the right ones.

It can even be a joint couple activity to spice up the fuku faka sessions.

ikpuru1234:


Thanks for your input. Do you think fragile peace is how marriage should depend on? Walking on a glass all the time. He did not even allow me to go into details if you read my post very well before he started screaming. But even if I did, is that how couples should communicate?

I would never go to third parties for my relationships.

NEVER!

We get along or move along.

I have many friends I have been friends with for close to 20 years, never have I had to go to therapy or third people to continue my conviviality with them and we just don't fight seriously. We always resolve issues amicably.

If there is any partner I am fighting with consistently, then we are not a fit or something is wrong with that person because at least I have proof nothing is wrong with me.

Let the person go for therapy on her own. I would stay at home.

ikpuru1234:


All his/our friends are well mannered, God fearing and educated

Honestly I think your husband has deep psychological issues. You may have to report him at a psychatric centre. Why will a man spit on someone else?

ikpuru1234:

It’s obvious to me that my marriage has finally crashed down. I always have an argument with my husband almost every month. To think we have been married for 11 years its an understatement as my marriage keep getting worse each year. My husband has this mentality that his own idea or opinion on a subject it’s the best, therefore, anytime I have a different opinion he will shout and get us into quarrelling.
We have not quarreled since November, so two days ago we were just watching a movie and there was a scene where a church member was discussing her marital problem to the pastor without knowing that pastor and his wife are going through worse rough patches in their own marriage. I quickly stated this is why couples should try and settle their marital problems without a third party. I added this is what I was telling you when you told our friend about our problem. He didn’t even allow me to finish, he started yelling, shouting, calling me names like idiots, pussy, to the extent that he came back from inside the room and spat on me many times, that I had to spat back before he now left my personal space. I was shocked at how much he reacted. If I didn’t know him I would have thought he was under the influence of drug/alcohol. Our kids came out from the room and was shouting we should stop that spatting, screaming it was gross. They are just under 10 years.

The following day, I demanded his audience that I would like to discuss about what happened yesterday. He said he is not listening that I should go and learn about marriage. I told him that him spitting on me was demeaning, and I would not accept it, but he started shouting again and even spat on me 3 times again, saying I cannot do anything, that every time I keep reminding him something of the past. I now told him that our marriage is over. He said if you like pack your things and leave but I will not leave the house for you.

We recently moved to another country so I am not working, he is the only one working. I supported him and left my well paid job to migrate to a different country and this is what I got from him. I believe he did this because I don’t have any job or anywhere to run to in this new place. We have had our shares of arguments but spitting on me I take it as last straw. I would have left house but no place to go. I went to help Centre they said I could get support if I press charges as spitting is also an offence where we are. But I don’t really want to go that route.
I have gotten a part time job which I will resume hopefully end of the month. I have been thinking on two options now. To cut the story short.

Option 1: continue living with him until I get enough money in the next three months, rent a new house and vamoose with my children.
Option 2: live together as housemates, don’t get into much discussion with him, no sleeping together(to me this option is just because of what people, my family will say and kids).

My heart is yearning for option one because he has an anger problem, he has hit me before about 8 years ago, I called police, since then he doesn’t hit me but still comes close to me during arguments by shrugging or just giving me a push. I feel him spitting on me was another way of running away from hitting me. I dread hitting me would have been his option if we were living in Nigeria. Our kids are growing and watching him screaming on top of his voice, this scares my daughter from getting married as she has mentioned he doesn’t want to be screaming with his husband that she will not get married. I also have ended up learning some of his silly behavior just to show him how it feels such as screaming back, cutting phones as he does this all the time if he feels you have a different view, keeping malice for days. Usually I am not that person but I have tried to get him stop doing that all to no avail. Am tired. When my mum came around to our place, on different occasions he made her stay terrible with bad behavior of picking quarrel with me and keeping malice including at my mum. He watches pornography and blames me I don’t give him intimacy. Although I had a talk severally about the impact of that as our kids use his phones and laptop and may be exposed as sometimes he leaves the page on and sleeps off. I told him I will try and give it to him anytime he comes, but few months ago, I noticed he still goes there.
Obviously, we are both not happy in the relationship. He doesn’t show remorse and for the fact that I will be walking on egg shell all the time scares me. I feel like separating for a while will do us good, also we could get counselling and his management on anger if we decide to come back together. He can keep malice forever, always blaming me for all his problems. Very emotional and sensitive human being. I am tired of his immaturity and it seems the older he gets worse it becomes, he will be 45 soon. Any advice on what step to take is highly appreciated.

A wife is supposed to be 100% submissive to the husband dt means u must accept him as the leader n his decision is always final.

D only reason to leave ur marriage is if he starts beating u and injuring u. Every other thing shld be forgiven even without being asked to? Spitting on u and u spit back was nothing bc u spit back too so what are you grudging about.

U are d major problem not ur husband, u need to learn to be a woman and a wife not a feminist. Feminism is for single mothers n divorcees and never works in marriage.

I think u shld go and kneel down and apologize to your
Husband for not being submissive wife, I am sure he will weep n apologize too.

Some men really don't know how to treat women sha! Too much ego! Men should understand that women are highly emotional creatures. Just some sweet words to stroke their emotions will have most women doing what you want. But our egos will not let some of us.

Text him back and say “ do you want to talk about it?”

Don’t be fixated on the inadequacy of his apology. Use it as leeway to open communication.

If he replies ‘yes’ , you can bring up the topic of individual counseling like someone suggested above. I thought that was a good option. See what he says.

If he ignores your response, ignore him too. Don’t talk to him. Don’t chit chat and sweep it under the carpet until he agrees to have a conversation about what happened. No mater how short. It’s a beginning
.

ikpuru1234:


I called them as well they said I will be linked to them if am really in a danger from him, like those stalking types. That I also have to file against him at police. But other benefit I cannot get due to visa status. We are citizens of where we moved from and they are good with women. They gave me option of since I have a good profession I should wait until I start work then go and rent. I will keep searching. I wish I could get a temp accomodation now so i dont have to wait until 2-3months. Landlords also dont take unemployed people even with 3 months upfront; which I suggested as i have some savings.
He sent me a text message 'I am sorry" yet we stay in the same house. It shows me his type of heart that you could do that kind of atrocity and feel that 3 typed words will make it alright.

Sagamite:


When you see a mental patient, you should be able to identify them.

Abi you want to divorce your husband and marry this one, so you are just flirting with him first?

Respek yourself
Somebody wey dey insult me since

cummando:
Perseverance.... That's all I have to say. I see you have some of that. Else you would have long divorced him because A couple of years you complained he snores. Men always want to be in charge of the house...in fact in charge of everything. So I'll say play possum. You'll get a lot of advice from here or anywhere. Fools will say leave him. Morons will say walk away. What I'll stay stay there. If he shouts look at him,dont say a word. Instead say sorry. If he wants something do it fast.If he wants some action give it to him wella. Be the obedient "foolish" wife. Very soon his conscience will come into play.Trust me divorce is not an option. You'll ruin the lives of those kids.Do it for them. Remember nothing good comes easy.

P.s : a recent survey(Jan 2018) shows that 84% of those in Nigeria prisons comes from broken homes.

She should become a robot ba? Don't talk or question, just do what he wants. Thunder fire you there.
Bane leave him cos your kids are watching. Else they will become damaged. You can't raise kids in that environment. Please seperate

Joy1706:

She should become a robot ba? Don't talk or question, just do what he wants. Thunder fire you there.
Bane leave him cos your kids are watching. Else they will become damaged. You can't raise kids in that environment. Please seperate

Thunder fire you too. Which one be swear? Na me be the husband. You dey craze

By the way its separate .... Numb skull

@ikpuru1234


One thing i have noticed.

Once you become petty. Marriage can be a tough one.

I understand all the previous tension but seriously. Who has time to be arguing back and forth to the point you guys were spitting on each other? You both seem like kids. If my niece and nephew were fighting over the colour of a ball i would understand they are still kids. But two grown adults? Like wtf?

After all that shit show you still brought it up the next day? I no blame una. You have all the time in the world. maybe when you wake up by 5am do a one hour road trip get back home by 10pm you wouldn't care less whether a fictitious pastor in a movie was having marital problems or not.


please learn to just take a chill pill when in such situations. Always ask yourself. Would this add 5k to my account at the end of it? Or would i be better served wasting precious energy on silly talks ? Maybe when people focus their energies on the right things and leave normal things to pass they would have better marriages.

cococandy:
Text him back and say “ do you want to talk about it?”

Don’t be fixated on the inadequacy of his apology. Use it as leeway to open communication.

If he replies ‘yes’ , you can bring up the topic of individual counseling like someone suggested above. I thought that was a good option. See what he says.

If he ignores your response, ignore him too. Don’t talk to him. Don’t chit chat and sweep it under the carpet until he agrees to have a conversation about what happened. No mater how short. It’s a beginning
.

Sorry am not trying to be rude but I dont think i will suggest talking to him again. I cannot make this relationship work all by myself, it must be a collective efforts. I tried talking to him the following day and what did i get? more spitting and shouting. If he asks for reconciliation I will suggest individual counselling first before together. Our GP can arrange that, if not we will continue living like housemates until I package my next move. For now, I take care of myself and kids, that's my priority. I wish I didn't relocate with him, dont even have any close friends to run or talk to. I would have left home with kids if not because of this new place.

Oyindidi:
Respek yourself
Somebody wey dey insult me since

jaychubi:


A wife is supposed to be 100% submissive to the husband dt means u must accept him as the leader n his decision is always final.

D only reason to leave ur marriage is if he starts beating u and injuring u. Every other thing shld be forgiven even without being asked to? Spitting on u and u spit back was nothing bc u spit back too so what are you grudging about.

U are d major problem not ur husband, u need to learn to be a woman and a wife not a feminist. Feminism is for single mothers n divorcees and never works in marriage.

I think u shld go and kneel down and apologize to your
Husband for not being submissive wife, I am sure he will weep n apologize too.

You are a cretinous fuuktard!

Save up and get a sex doll.

cummando:

Thunder fire you too. Which one be swear? Na me be the husband. You dey craze

By the way its separate .... Numb skull

She is right, you are reetarded!

Even as a man that is not into the equal partnership nonsense, I would never say I decide everything. Nor would I say in every relationship, the man (especially the ones like you) would always be the better decision-maker.

Brain una no get!

onegig:
@ikpuru1234


One thing i have noticed.

Once you become petty. Marriage can be a tough one.

I understand all the previous tension but seriously. Who has time to be arguing back and forth to the point you guys were spitting on each other? You both seem like kids. If my niece and nephew were fighting over the colour of a ball i would understand they are still kids. But two grown adults? Like wtf?

After all that shit show you still brought it up the next day? I no blame una. You have all the time in the world. maybe when you wake up by 5am do a one hour road trip get back home by 10pm you wouldn't care less whether a fictitious pastor in a movie was having marital problems or not.


please learn to just take a chill pill when in such situations. Always ask yourself. Would this add 5k to my account at the end of it? Or would i be better served wasting precious energy on silly talks ? Maybe when people focus their energies on the right things and leave normal things to pass they would have better marriages.

That I could not get my head around.

I was flabberwhelmed and overghasted ni sha!

Sagamite:


She is right, you are reetarded!

Even as a man that is not into the equal partnership nonsense, I would never say I decide everything. Nor would I say in every relationship, the man (especially the ones like you) would always be the better decision-maker.

Brain una no get!

Learn to spell before quoting people like us

Now let me enlighten you. Who should you be angry with, me or the husband? Ontop advice you dey insult me.

Mark my words today what you have written to me shall manifest in every aspect of your life. Bye

Sagamite:


You are a cretinous fuuktard!

Save up and get a sex doll.

This advice is not meant for headless goat like u

I have come to learn that challenges could be physical or spiritual ( caused by forces we see not).
Most often at times we seek physical solution forgetting the spiritual aspect.
A very good way to know a spiritual problem is your type of dream/ nightmares. Dreams tell us a lot which we often ignore...

You are able to write about your physical conditions, why not share the spiritual aspect here and let's see if it could be solved.

I know a lot of you guys don't believe in the spiritual stuff, I would plead to be gentle on me.

mostyg:
I have come to learn that challenges could be physical or spiritual ( caused by forces we see not).
Most often at times we seek physical solution forgetting the spiritual aspect.
A very good way to know a spiritual problem is your type of dream/ nightmares. Dreams tell us a lot which we often ignore...

You are able to write about your physical conditions, why not share the spiritual aspect here and let's see if it could be solved.

I know a lot of you guys don't believe in the spiritual stuff, I would plead to be gentle on me.

Typical black person!

https://www.nairaland.com/4316979/marriage-finally-over/16#64699249