My guy messed me up. He has refused to call for about 3 months now. He is in England and all efforts to call/mail has proved abortive. I met a young guy recently. At the time, I wanted to get ahouse desperately and i did not have enough funds. The guy was of tremendous help. He completed my house rent and even furnished the house. he has been a blessing to me and my younger sister. We are from separate religions, am a xtian and he a muslim, he was separated(Not legally divorced) when i met him. Right now, his family is pleading n insisting he keeps his wife, even if he marries someone else. He has no child yet and wants one. last night, i told him outrightly i can't marry him as he has been asking insitently. i told him from d begining i could not because i don't want wahala. it was obvious i was very serious yester, I did not know this guy has high BP. I noticed his strenght was drained before he left, I found out he almost collapsed when he got home yesterday with his heart palpitating. he is a soft hearted person. I called today to say i was just joking because i was full of guilt. he is still in d hospital but i don't want him to die, even tho i don't want to be a second wife. he thinks am his only hope for a love, children and bliss.(he has been through hell in love n marriage). please help.

that is really complicated,

wow this is really complicated but follow your heart by doing what's right for u. then pray to the Lord Almighty to lead you onto the Right path

its complcated because he was a blessing to u and ur sis, but he has so many problems. You dont love or marry out of pity and u dont want to be a 2nd wife or a widow in the near future. I'd say find a way to explain things to him without killing him of high BP

Yeah, this is a very complicated situation. If I was in your position I probably would have said the same thing that I was joking, but we both know that that is not a long term solution. My feeling is just continue to be nice to him, be there for him, but don't give him any encouragement at least until he gets out of the hospital and for a while after (like no less than two weeks). And then after that, drop hints that you are not interested as you did before and begin to spend less time with him. Because one problem is is that if you say you aren't interested, but you continue to spend a good amount of time with him it gives him false hope. Let him know that you are very thankful for everything that he has done for you and your sister, but that you just cannot marry him.

p.s. Are you still in a relationship with that other guy? Because if you are, maybe you should bring that up with the man as well.

hmmm

This is tougher than the toughest of love tangles. How do u break a heart pleasantly, impossible.
Just choose btw ur happiness and his. You cant strike a balance in this situation. Never marry for pity.

why did you go and do that, you have already told him your mind, too bad he took it badly, but at least he had already been let down, he almost collapsed but he survived it, the worst had been done, why reverse all that, for what purpose, to do the same thing after he is well again? i think that call was ill advised, now you are back where you started even worse cause you will be walking on tiptoes around him so as not to cause him any harm. i think the best thing you could do for yourselves is to be honest which you had done.

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keep it real my sister, every individual works his own salvation.

yep oby, u messed up big time by tellin him u was jokin when in fact u really was serious (or was u?)
4get all d stuff he'd done 4 u & urs; u can't inconvenience urself 4 d convenience of some1 else - as selfish as it might sound, it's truth.
if he really luvs u, he's gonna understand; accept & respect ur wishes - he's not gonna be thinkin 'bout all he's bought/done 4 u. if he doesn't, then i guess it'd be safe 2 assume that all he'd done 4 u in d past was simply "a means 2 an end."
from ur post, it's obvious that u've got pretty strong reservations 'bout gettin married 2 dis guy; i'd say - stick 2 ur script - be selfish; do what u feel is right 4 u & then d both of u. dis is d time 2 follow ur head, not ur heart!

Marry for pity? Too bad! Definately spend the rest of ur life MISERABLE
Dont be carried away or decieved, some men can play the victim in order to get wat they want.
I'm not saying that's wat he is doing (it will be very unfair of me to say dat).

It was also wrong for u to have given him hope after telling him "no".
I advice u keep it cool now dat he is down, and wen he is well again;take him out to a very nice place and give him a treat. After which, RELEASE THE BOMB SHELL. KABOOM!
I think the treat will cushion the effect of ur rejection, also do it in the coolest, nicest and loving way possible and make sure it is done in a public place.

Be frank with him and tell him ur mind. Ask him if he wants to see u suffer with regrets. If he says no- o girl u don hook am be dat.
This is my advice though. U may want to adopt, modify or reject it totally. It's up to u girl
FOLLOW UR HEAD. Luv ya.  

if you love him then go for him do not marry him because you pity him.

^{THANK YOU  NAIRALANDERS FOR YOUR SUPPORT}

Situation Report

Are you familiar with Alfredo from The gardener's daughter, well thats what Mister nice guy is doing to me, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.  After he got back from the hospital, i gave him sometime to heal. Honestly, i could not hide d fact that things had changed. 3 weeks later, he called me and said he knew i was fed up with the him. I said i was not, but rather i was fedup of the relationship as we both knew we were headed no where, he simply said he had a headache and got up n left_{*** time to be bad girl***} i said ok. i met other people and 2 days later he saw me on a date with someone else, when we met later, o my, we were shouting at each other like nutters in public! i managed to calm him down saying "we were still friends and we should respect each other" He simply said "you dey use jazz for me, i just love you too much" Then came another date, someone i'd be dying to go out with, single cute and  , he called me out, made sure my date was within ear shot and said " is this the kind of life u want to live, follow follow for man! you make me sad and you know i love you bla bla bla" i simply said "there aint no big deal if i have friends", angrilly he left, then came back to be peeping through the window. I don't know what he expected. I aint promiscuos. We havent spoken since, that was last week. I hope this is the last episode of the drama! because i hope i aint going to kill someone, he has a wife and wont let me move on wit my life, more importantly i'm hell scared. I hope there wont be VENGEANCE, don't want some intoxicated brother chasing me with an axe or jazz

@Qby - then u shld ave thought twice before accepting his money and allowing him to furnish yo house, knwing full well he wasn't going to get anything out it. U said u was up-front wit him from the begining, fact is so was he! The only person that benefited from yo relationship was YOU n he got nothing bk in return. How is it that he knows where u are on yo dates and everytime u go out wit another man he's there?

IBDat:

@Qby - then u shld ave thought twice before accepting his money and allowing him to furnish yo house, knwing full well he wasn't going to get anything out it. U said u was up-front wit him from the begining, fact is so was he! The only person that benefited from yo relationship was YOU n he got nothing bk in return. How is it that he knows where u are on yo dates and everytime u go out wit another man he's there?

good question, come to think of it, how does he know and shows up. i no know o
like i said earlier IBdat, he was separated and we had a relationship. and He did NOT furnish my house. I did not plan to rip him off, it happened. we were, he went back into his relationship after telling me it was over and thru for several months(waiting only for divorce papers), i was heartbroken, i am not a home breaker, so i wanna move on. cant i? honestly i am fed up!

If you can afford it refund his money if not all part at least cos thats the hook he got into you

If you were my sister I would tell you to steer clear of the guy.

dayokanu,
for me that is not a good advise.
i think oby should just fine away of
making peace b/w 2 of than.

O ga o this one is hard sha.

Its all good cause when you accepted all his generous gifts, you kinda gave him the go ahead.
The thing is if you do get with him he will get pressured by his folks to marry another girl and u will be a second wife.

I would suggest you say to him, to take things a bit slow, he needs to leave the marriage thing and any talks of baby outside the door cause u just arent interested yet.

Use some delay tactics and hopefully he will get tired of it and leave you alone. (not in a bad way but in a good way).

I would do that if i was in ur shoes.

@ Oby
yeah, u made a mistake by collecting his money in the first place (not to judge sha) but to an extent it wasn't really ur fault coz u were desperate so this should teach u to be more careful next time (especially at desperate times so u dont make mistakes u'll regret). the best thing is to try and end the relationship peacefully not unless u want to become a muslim and a second wife and face the hazards that come with being a cowife

QBY,

     what a predicament. well dont marry out of pity because u will regret it later on,  bigtime,  Nurse this guy back to health and say your goodbye. it will save u trouble later. Also tell him to take BP pills so he does not collapse . wish you luck

dis is serious o, bt all d same put it in prayer n am sure God will see u through.

maybe u need to forget about the guy in england!

Did i hear you say this guy is married? if yes. I beg you i the name of God to leave this guy alone. Dont you know before you started goin out? If he dies his blood will be on ya head, period. Go and find your own husband.

Wonder how cuteass missed this one?

@ Qby

You started compromising yourself by taking gifts from this guy, you should know that this is one of the ways of their evangelism; you win them over with gifts, marry them and force or blackmail them into changing their religion.

Anyway, the deed is done so way forward is to

Follow your heart and ask God for guidance

although you are sort of at fault for leading him on i.e taking gifts from him but do not let anyone make you feel guilty to the extent of you marrying him out of guilt

follow you heart but i won't advice you to wait for the England guy
good luck

babe, 4get that England guy, dat one is past tense, England is land of plenty.
so distance relationship is really not an option, not even for my enemy.

and also with the Guy in Hospital, am sure u know him been so nice to you, wasnt just because he wanted to be
mere friends, he obvioulsy wanted more than that.

as far as am concerned, its down to you, Are you ok with marrying a muslim, ? Do you have feelings for him at all, ? if yes, go ahead and marry him, On the basis that he divorces him wife LEGALLY.

u should have never taken money from him, look at what you have gotten yourself into

*sighs*

@ op... "never you trust the greeks even when they come bearing gifts".. i must say this,u knew he might be up to a thing like this lady poster.. Its the way it goes..he gives,you collect, you give in return..then the deal is done..just let him in or give him a reason to leave,or compensate him with bunna.