That's wot nature hs brought to u, take that responsibility and see God's rewards in ur life

muzeze77:
I was that child . Nowadays my step father is my father and I say fck u to my biological father because he was never there for me, not seen him since I was 2 , help that child . Don't see her as another man's child . See her as your wife child. Your wife is a good woman. Not every woman would fight for her child

God bless you. May you live long!

helpee:
And who told you the marriage will survive it either way by bringing the child home. The OP doesn't want the child in his home. His decision should be respected and he shouldn't be treated as if he is wicked. The mother in law is in the best position to take care of her. She rejected her without feeling guilty. Not minding the fact that it could put a strain on her daughters wedding. I know a couple that just got divorced. True life story. The man accepted the girl from primary 5 when he married the mother. When the girl was about to gain admission to university of Ilorin last year, she searched for her father on Facebook and contacted him. That one immediately took over responsibility. The new husband of the mother got annoyed because he was not even informed again when the girl started contacting the father. The girl stopped coming home for holiday...will go and spend holiday with the dad and siblings on the other side. The present husband felt sidelined as the other guy is now richer than him. To cut a long story short, he told the mother that she should take the one in jss2 to go and meet the father( she had two children from the other guy) . He said he can't take of them only for them to get to university and now remember they have a father. Like play, like play the marriage scattered. So it is not a straightforward issue. The wife too should worry that if she forced her husband to accept her against his wish, the resentment may consume the marriage.

All these rationalizations of deadened hearts. So pple should only render help because of what they can gain? There is a helpless 7yr old child with no one to turn to and u have the mind to tell her mother to abandon her.

Tufiakwa!

NairalandFAYOSE:
pardon my blunders.
I was aware she has a baby before we met but still continued the relationship because the baby is with the father. she told me it was a mistake and the guy's family doesn't support their relationship. so they went their different ways while the guy kept the baby.

when we started, I found out she's humble, hardworking and she's everything I ever wanted in a woman. so we got married 4 years ago and have a 3 year old son and 2 beautiful twins (just 3 months old).

now the problem started when she went to church and her ex brought her 7 years old daughter unannounced. that he's married now and can't continue taking Care of the girl.
she called me from church and told me. immediately I told her not to bring a child thats not mine to me. she now took the baby to her mom and came home to meet me with my kids.
she has been begging me since to allow the baby in our home because the mother gave her 3 days to come and take her baby from her.

nairalanders pls I need your advice on this. those it make sense that I take the baby while the father is out there enjoying his life.

This is a tough one, and part of the reason its hard to marry a single mother. This should have been discussed in plain languages. From what is written here, it seems like it was an understanding...

You have mentioned somewhere here that you know your wife, and thinks she wont accept is she was in your shoes.

Do NOT listen to the ones here who are "guilting" you into accepting any responsibility, many of them have not carrried any responsibility in their lives. Also the suggestion about adoption is not just ignorant, it is actually a legal minefield. The father WILL need to allow you to do that.

That is why you should be careful before accepting ANY responsibility. The child is not your and will NOT be yours. We are not in US or EU, so all the foreign examples should be thrown away to the dustbin.

But whether you want to accept her or NOT, you should make sure your wife reports the problem at the child welfare office. This is important for now and in FUTURE... because this same man who abandoned his child would give you hell if anthing happens to his child.

For the child sake (and that of your wife), you can try to resolve the issues with all the parties (also inviting the child welfare).. but make sure anything is written and signed...

I wish you luck.. but ANYTHING you decide here, is correct... You are not at fault in ANYWAY here.. do not let anyone make you feel otherwise.

NairalandFAYOSE:
I don't Think My family will like this. they don't really like her that much Cus they say she is "AFTER ONE"

Let them give you the tear rubber woman that would 'dabaru' your life.Take that little girl as your first daughter...she is yours.

LaudableXX:

Nobody is blackmailing the step-father into doing anything. People are just giving their suggestions and trying to give the man reasons, to help him make up his mind, on what to do. Check my comments on this thread. I never blackmailed him into anything. He is a grown man, who can consider all options before him, and take a decision.

Both the father and the mother, brought the child into this world. They both have a responsibility to take care of the little girl, not the grandmother. If the father is alive, but has rejected the girl, should the mother also reject her? The answer you give, will determine if you support doing good even when it is hard, or if you would just ignore an opportunity to do good, simply because you want to take the easy way out.

Nobody knows the age of the grandmother. She might be weak, elderly and in poor health, which means she might lack the energy or stability, to take care of an energetic, young child. If any step-child hates the stepfather, it simply means such a stepfather treated that child, badly. Same thing goes for step-mothers, too. No child will hate anyone who takes care of her, shows her love, compassion and care, and also trains her to a level where she can achieve the best education, available. So free your mind!

The mother is not rejecting her. In fact she wants to accept the child, but her new husband does not want her to bring the child, into their home. So what should she do?

So both parents have the Responsibility to take care of the child NOT THE GRANDMOTHER. You are correct. Just that if the grandmother has no morality to take care of the child, the Op too has no morality since he is not the father. You so easily absolved the grandmother saying it is not her responsibility so why should it be the responsibility of the OP to father another mans child. You talked about a judge raised by a stepfather. You only forgot that millions of others were raised by their grandmother too. So if the grandmother could reject without blinking, the stepfather shouldn't feel guilty if he doesn't want her too. My point is this.... it is not compulsory the OP must accept another mans child to his home and you shouldn't make him feel guilty. The house belong to both the husband and the wife...but the child doesn't belong to the two of them so the wife should not selfishly force what is not his on him unless he want it. The idea of using morality to force to take over a lifetime responsibility of taking care of another man child is evil.

Adopt and take good care of d innocent child. .period!

helpee:
So both parents have the Responsibility to take care of the child NOT THE GRANDMOTHER. You are correct. Just that if the grandmother has no morality to take care of the child, the Op too has no morality since he is not the father. You so easily absolved the grandmother saying it is not her responsibility so why should it be the responsibility of the OP to father another mans child. You talked about a judge raised by a stepfather. You only forgot that millions of others were raised by their grandmother too. So if the grandmother could reject without blinking, the stepfather shouldn't feel guilty if he doesn't want her too. My point is this.... it is not compulsory the OP must accept another mans child to his home and you shouldn't make him feel guilty. The house belong to both the husband and the wife...but the child doesn't belong to the two of them so the wife should not selfishly force what is not his on him unless he want it. The idea of using morality to force to take over a lifetime responsibility of taking care of another man child is evil.

The grandmother might be old, weak and infirm. So you think they should put the burden on her? Isn't that rather illogical? Did she give birth directly to the child?

Millions were raised by their grandmothers, because such grandmothers were in good health or strong enough, to do so. Yes, the OP does not have a responsibility to father another man's child, but the mother of that child lives inside his house, as his wife. So what should the mother do? Abandon the child, too? If the wife cannot bring her child into that house, where should she keep the girl? On the street?

janellemonae:


All these rationalizations of deadened hearts. So pple should only render help because of what they can gain? There is a helpless 7yr old child with no one to turn to and u have the mind to tell her mother to abandon her.

Tufiakwa!

And who told you she has no one to turn to. I don't play online morality. She has her real father yo turn to. She has her grandmother to turn to. They all rejected her so the OP must accept her else he is evil. It is you guys that are evil. You are forcing somebody to accept something he doesn't want. If he now maltreat the innocent girl, you start calling for his head. If anything happens to that girl, the same father will come and start making trouble in the house. And how many homeless 7yrs old have you accepted into your home since you are so nice. You mean you don't know any child that really needs somebody like you to take care of them. Your heart must be dead too if you are yet to accept those 7yrs old who are homeless needing a roof into your home

LaudableXX:

The grandmother might be old, weak and infirm. So you think they should put the burden on her? Isn't that rather illogical? Did she give birth directly to the child?

Millions were raised by their grandmothers, because such grandmothers were in good health or strong enough, to do so. Yes, the OP does not have a responsibility to father another man's child, but the mother of that child lives inside his house, as his wife. So what should the mother do? Abandon the child, too? If the wife cannot bring her child into that house, where should she keep the girl? On the street?

when you point to me where the OP said the grandmother is old then we can continue this discussion. Otherwise this is an unnecessary distraction

Bro, right now, this is about you standing up as the man of your home and guardian of your nuclear family. Forget about your parents / siblings opinion and make your wife happy.

I don't want to believe that you're a mummy's boy at this age and marital status

helpee:
when you point to me where the OP said the grandmother is old then we can continue this discussion. Otherwise this is an unnecessary distraction

It is not an unnecessary distraction. If the OP cannot take care of the girl, and the grandmother cannot do so, (for reasons he did not say), then what should the mother do? Leave her in the market, or dump her on the street? Why put the burden on the grandmother, when the biological mother is still alive and able to take care of her child?

@nairalandfayose dont confuse urself. U married an after-one already so uve made the choice to be a stepdad.

It's not a choice ur about to make. It's a choice uve made. She is not ur wife's child. She's ur stepdaughter. U are the head of this blended family. U need to let these statements sink in.

This means u need to stand up for ur wife in this situation dt has befallen u 'both'.

The next thing you need to do is organize a meeting with the other half of ur blended family. U need to all have a discussion about shared responsibility and time. You can't just sit down and accept the fathers abandonement. And I know this is the crux of ur anger. There are things simple communication can resolve.

Maybe the child will only stay with U for a while for their honeymoon period. The child could live with them and spend the holidays with you. Don't use anger to get what u want, be wise. U must speak with the expectation dt the financial responsibilities are his. Your wife should also try to be friendly with the new bride. If possible, invite a respected outside mediator. Not a family member.

It is important u 4 have this discussion b4 he marries dt woman. So she knows the way things are going to be. The baby girl is all 4 of you's responsibility. Not old grandmas.

LaudableXX:

It is not an unnecessary distraction. If the OP cannot take care of the girl, and the grandmother cannot do so, (for reasons he did not say), then what should the mother do? Leave her in the market, or dump her on the street? Why put the burden on the grandmother, when the biological mother is still alive and able to take care of her child?

My friend, learn how to properly advise people. The wife should report the case at the welfare office. They will invite both parents and resolve where the child should stay and who pay what bills. The OP has no responsibility to accept the child because the father rejected her. If he want, fine. If he doesn't want, you can't play morality card on him. It is evil

helpee:
My friend, learn how to properly advise people. The wife should report the case at the welfare office. They will invite both parents and resolve where the child should stay and who pay what bills. The OP has no responsibility to accept the child because the father rejected her. If he want, fine. If he doesn't want, you can't play morality card on him. It is evil

Oh, the OP has no responsibility to accept the child. And I am not playing any morality card on him. All I am saying is that, the mother has a responsibility to accept the child, and she lives under the OP's roof. After reporting at the welfare office, and they advise the child to live with the mother because she is underage, what next? Will the mother discard the child, because the OP doesn't want her in his home? The fact that the OP does not want her, does not mean the mother should abandon her own responsibility.

Humblesam:


[/b]Are you sure she is your wife or you're telling us a story here.[b].. what's the meaning of "after one"?
Forgive me,you sound childish here.
And I hate stuff like " my family this, my family that" in marriage issues.
For me...My marriage is fucking my business and the woman am married to...NO THIRD PARTY.
NO one sent me.

Wanted to ask him the same question ooo

femichill:

It's my decision and I stand by it. I can not take care of another person responsibility while he is still alive.

OK... goodluck to you and your wife when you make such decision.

LaudableXX:

Oh, the OP has no responsibility to accept the child. And I am not playing any morality card on him. All I am saying is that, the mother has a responsibility to accept the child, and she lives under the OP's roof. After reporting at the welfare office, and they advise the child to live with the mother because she is underage, what next? Will the mother discard the child, because the OP doesn't want her in his home? The fact that the OP does not want her, does not mean the mother should abandon her own responsibility.

Go and find out. Since the father is now married....the welfare will ask his wife to take care of the child. In Africa, it is believed that the husband is the head of the house so he can ask his wife to take care of the child. No welfare will ask the OP to assume responsibility. They can only beg him. They can't force him but they can force the father.

This is too bad. First of all, the father sending her daughter away because of getting married.,,I will
Include my daughter in the arrangement and if they woman can’t marry me with my daughter...sorry!

Second of all, if you have the resource to take care of the young girl...I see nothing wrong because I can only assume the reason why you are hesitant might be because you already have 3 kids to take care of. They argument if my assumption is reasonable from your own point of view is understable because of the economic situation. However you can talk to the father and arrange monthly support. I think in Nigeria the court can enforce it.

Third of all, if everyone rejects the young girl
I will raise her. Though am not in Nigeria...will provide for her.

helpee:
Go and find out. Since the father is now married....the welfare will ask his wife to take care of the child. In Africa, it is believed that the husband is the head of the house so he can ask his wife to take care of the child. No welfare will ask the OP to assume responsibility. They can only beg him. They can't force him but they can force the father.

Very rarely. The welfare office might ask the birth father to pay the cost of upkeep for the child, but they would usually ask the mother to take care of the child, especially if the child is underage. Even in courts during a divorce, custody is given to the mother, as long as the child is still young, while the father has to pay alimony/child support to the mother, for the upkeep of the kid. Except in cases where the father fights the mother for custody, because he is richer and has more clout. He would however have to prove that the woman is an unfit mother, or she lacks the means to adequately take care of the kids.

LaudableXX:

Very rarely. The welfare office might ask the birth father to pay the cost of upkeep for the child, but they would usually ask the mother to take care of the child, especially if the child is underage, while the father has to pay alimony to the mother, for the upkeep of the children. Even in courts during a divorce, custody is given to the mother, as long as the child is still young, except in cases where the father fights the mother for custody, because he is richer and has more clout. He would however have to prove that the woman is an unfit mother, or she lacks the means to adequately take care of the kids.

you don't know what you are saying so I will swerve. Go and find out and stop saying what you don't know. A 7yr old whose father is married will be given to the father unless the mother can prove that the child will not be taken care of by the father

it's only if you don't have the resources to take care of the girl, cos I don't see how she could be an issue to you. if it helps, see the kid as your house help.

helpee:
you don't know what you are saying so I will swerve. Go and find out and stop saying what you don't know. A 7yr old whose father is married will be given to the father unless the mother can prove that the child will not be taken care of by the father

You are wrong, and you do not want to accept the truth. If a child is young, no welfare office will give custody to the father, especially if such a father has rejected the child. The mother is often told to take care of her child, especially if the child is underage. Go and do some research. They can only ask him to pay the cost of upkeep, of the child.

/
So someone here thinks that a 7-yrs old girl will be better taken care of by his dad instead of the mother?

OP: You cannot wriggle out of this one.

Too many kids here on NL.
/

Wow..... I hope your wife doesn't make the same mistake my mum's mother made by abandoning her daughter cos her husband asked her to.
Seeing such issues breaks my heart because my mum told us how much she suffered and worked as a maid from one family to another, just to get a roof over her head and finish class five (started class one at 17). She got married and later went as far as having her Masters due to the pain in her heart.
She is also a grand mother now and I know how much she has helped her mum who spends the first few mins. of every call apologizing for wrongs done in the past even though my mum tells her every time that what's past is past.
When ever I look at my grandmum, I shake my head and say its well. Being close to her is rather hard for us, not cos we hate her but cos she was never there. My dad did omugo for his wife 4 times, she never came cos according to her, her husband asked her not to. The same useless man that is now old and fragile.
Abeg...... Just wish you will make life easier for your wife cos what exactly do you want her to do now? You knew she had a child before marriage, you knew she was "after one" so why on earth did you go ahead to marry her? Now you want her to deny her child and throw the child to the streets cos even her mother has given her an ultimatum to come pick her up. Hoping you don't regret this your meaness later, though. A child is a human being and not an article you can hide.... .
Maybe I'm ranting........ maybe I'm just hurt cos reading your story reminds me of every detail my mum told us about the struggles and sufferings she had growing up as a child rejected by her mother and step father after her dad remarried.

LaudableXX:

You are wrong, and you do not want to accept the truth. If a child is young, no welfare office will give custody to the father, especially if such a father has rejected the child. The mother is often told to take care of her child, especially if the child is underage. Go and do some research. They can only ask him to pay the cost of upkeep, of the child.

thanks. People like you just come online to talk. This is not divorce. Even in divorce, there is no such rule. It only applies if the man us not married such that he has no wife to take care of the child. A very good friend of mine just got custody of his 6yr old daughter from his former and threw a welcome party for them. Funny the other woman is not yet remarried so the husband claimed he has a more balanced home to care of her and provided proofs he had been paying school fees etc. They give to the mother if the husband is not married but no hard and fast rule. A 3rd party custody can be given to the grandmother. So don't just assume. Find out. When the child is less than 3yrs old, the tendency is the mother but not always. A 7yr old with married father.....na the father get him pikin
EDITED
The major reason why many mothers get custody in divorce cases is because the husband couldn't have been married before the divorce is completed so no way to prove he has a wife at home. In this case, they were probably not married. Just child out of wedlock. If it gets to welfare, they don't think twice before awarding custody to the father

reyscrub:
Since your wife is hard working and is capable of taking care of the boy, nothing bad if her baby is with her ok. Blood is ticker than water so she can't let her product be far from her as you will never allow your child be taking away from you. Any body can fall prey to the love bait of boys and girls this day.

If you mistakenly have a child outside, you will think of bring him home and either appeal or force your wife to live with your boy abi.

I'm talking from experience because I married my wife with 6 years old boy and now I have a girl and a boy now they are three altogether and we live together. I ensure that all the three bear my surname and my wife agree and till this moment I claim him as my firstborn of my family and all the children see them self as the same father the same mother unknowingly.

So nothing is special or bad in married-after-one parent as a wife if she makes you happy and support you financially, spiritually, emotionally and prayerfully. My wife loves me like she can die for me nothing thinking twice on my cause because I ensure that all that consigns her is taking care off always.

Allow peace to rain in your home and don't allow people to confuse you with their local knowledge.

Take the boy home and make your wife happy ok.

Good advice, besides where is the number to message if we are interested in the advert in your signature...

NairalandFAYOSE:
I don't Think My family will like this. they don't really like her that much Cus they say she is "AFTER ONE"

Honestly, though. Humans are too judgemental...always feeling that they are better than the next person. The truth is that anyone who has ever had premarital sex has no right to shame someone who got a child out of wedlock! Anyone who's never gotten pregnant while being premaritally sexually active has simply just been lucky... This is just the reason why abortion is on the increase.

Sir, you consciously married a woman who already had a baby. She didn't hide this fact from you. If she had, then we'd have been discussing something different by now. You must have known that someday the girl would be returned to her mother. It's even a surprise that she was with the father all those years.

It's honestly not fair to your wife that you refuse her bringing in her daughter. You should have known what you signed up for. Do you think she'll ever be at peace not having her daughter by her side?

And to the little girl, please, in God's name, be kind to her. She didn't ask to be in any of this. Where do you want her to go to? She must already be feeling rejected as it is. These things can affect her psychology and esteem in the long run. Please, in God's name, take her in and adopt her.

Aliii:
Bro I know it's difficult but there are some certain things will do for people that God sees and bless us ..helping a child is never a lost ..just do it for the sake of God it's never the fault of the child to be born that way ,I bet you after a while the child is with you if the man comes to take the child again you wouldn't release

Best advice thus far. It's a difficult decision to make. Cos taking her in will mean you will be responsible for her. Then again, if your wife is everything you want in a woman and still supports you and your dreams, it will be easy for you to accommodate her not only under your roof, but in your heart.

First discuss all your fears and concerns with your wife and talk them through. Bring the girl in, love , nocture and care for her. She might be your saving Sarah tomorrow.

That's all

InvertedHammer:
/
So someone here thinks that a 7-yrs old girl will be better taken care of by his dad instead of the mother?

OP: You cannot wriggle out of this one.

Too many kids here on NL.
/

I am not supposed to respond to insecure people like you. It irritates me when I see people talking about age where wisdom is being discussed. So you assume a stepfather will be good enough for the child but a stepmother is bad. Who is the dad and who is the mum ? You all are saying the child belong to the OP since the wife owns her, you forgot the child also belong to the wife of the father since the husband owns her. So the COURT DONT ALWAYS CONSIDER THE biological MOTHER IN THAT CONTEST...ONCE THERE IS A MOTHER ( The new wife of the husband) and there is no contrary proof that she can't take care of her, the husband will get custody. However, custody is not a straightforward thing like that. The report of the welfare people will be taken into consideration but once again....there is no rule that the child must be with the mother except if the father us single

Allow Her if you're God fearing.

helpee:
I am not supposed to respond to insecure people like you. It irritates me when I see people talking about age where wisdom is being discussed. So you assume a stepfather will be good enough for the child but a stepmother is bad. Who is the dad and who is the mum ? You all are saying the child belong to the OP since the wife owns her, you forgot the child also belong to the wife of the father since the husband owns her. So the COURT DONT ALWAYS CONSIDER THE biological MOTHER IN THAT CONTEST...ONCE THERE IS A MOTHER ( The new wife of the husband) and there is no contrary proof that she can't take care of her, the husband will get custody. However, custody is not a straightforward thing like that. The report of the welfare people will be taken into consideration but once again....there is no rule that the child must be with the mother except if the father us single

/
A mother should raise her young child (in this case, a female) which is why the court usually grants custody to women unless the biological mother is incapacitated, which is not an issue in this case. In which court does a step-mother get custody over a biological mother who has no known history of psychological/drug/ETOH abuse problem(s)?

Simple. Keep writing epistle.

OP should do whatever he wants. Whatever comes out of it, he should deal with it. It is his decision and no amount of pro or against his decisions debate can change his mind. His problem, if you ask me.
/