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Should I Bring Her Over To The US? - Family - Nairaland

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Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by canttedra: 8:43pm On Dec 20, 2020
The recent topic on the home page motivated me to make this post, anonymously of course.

We were dating before I left Nigeria. We've been dating for about three years. Sometime last year I got a new job in the US (I schooled there so it was easy), and moved away from the country. Until a few weeks ago, we talked nearly every other day. It's always fun talking to her. But lately, things have started to get a little rough because of something that came up, and which I would like to believe is not my fault.

Prior to dating her, since I was a kid in university, I made myself a few promises relating to women:

1. I will never pay a woman's school fees
2. I will never rent a house or apartment for a woman, nor furnish an existing apartment
3. I will never sponsor a woman abroad.

Of course, this does not mean that I won't buy a woman gifts (I do that regularly), or take her on a nice trip. I just do not envisage myself pulling a woman up the social ladder. I prefer she makes her own growth moves as it relates to finances or relocation.

I made these promises based on the fact that I expected that whomever I make a partner should be able to make something of their own selves. I do not want to be anybody's savior or anyone's get-out-of-jail card. This resolution has made lose a few women in the past who thought the relationship should be based on what they can get out of it, and my girlfriend knows this.

The situation right now is that there is a path for her to come to America through studying. We already talked about her applying for graduate studies and then transitioning here into a better job. However, she now feels that would be stressful and may not work. Instead, she thinks it's better if I return to Nigeria this December to marry her and then sponsor her eventually to the US. That's not going to happen. This has created a rift and we have not been talking for a while now.

Am I being unreasonable here? How can I make her realize she can be her own person and not have to depend on someone else to "sponsor" her? It just drives me nuts that she knows this about me but is now vehemently insisting that this is the only viable option.

116 Likes 5 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Bola146(f): 8:52pm On Dec 20, 2020
angry Its means you don't love her Three years?!! better you let her know her fate.

161 Likes 9 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by thorpido(m): 8:53pm On Dec 20, 2020
Do you want to marry her?

If you desire her as a partner and you are old enough and ready to settle down,why is marrying her and bringing her abroad an issue? Isn't she going to be a part of you and you grow together?

199 Likes 10 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by canttedra: 8:54pm On Dec 20, 2020
thorpido:
Do you want to marry her?
I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.

18 Likes 4 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by MajesticKris: 8:55pm On Dec 20, 2020
Then Don't

4 Likes 3 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Phabulous828(m): 8:55pm On Dec 20, 2020
Talk to her calmly to accept your decision, but if she insist that you must come back home to marry her then try and break that your principle after all love is all about the sacrifices we make for each other

54 Likes 6 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by longetivity(m): 8:56pm On Dec 20, 2020
What if she gets over there and start doing u hanky panky. I mean you know how these vagina people behave

346 Likes 13 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by longetivity(m): 8:57pm On Dec 20, 2020
Phabulous828:
T
T for Table

13 Likes

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by GboyegaD(m): 8:57pm On Dec 20, 2020
Oga, do you intend marrying her? If yes, why not do the marriage? Let her come in on the spousal visa of the class you are on and then pursue the graduate admission you want her to have.

The key should be do you trust her and love her enough to be your wife and also, is she responsible enough not to misbehave?

56 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by RedPanthar: 8:57pm On Dec 20, 2020
Stop inviting third party to your relationship issues. Watch expect 95% toxicity on this thread.


Stop seeking validation and do what you must do

126 Likes 9 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by GIANTPLUSHUB: 8:59pm On Dec 20, 2020
No be everything person dey tell woman. I foresee you guys going your separate ways if you wouldn't be dancing to her tune. Trust me, just start preparing your mind. If you haven't told her of your own mindset she would have been trying other options but she's like fvck whatever principle you have, you should be able to get this done for me your woman!

65 Likes 5 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by after4: 8:59pm On Dec 20, 2020
Nna please if your heart no accept that decision leave her. I have that resolve too. Though not exactly. But if from your judgement of her before you travelled or before she even became aware that you have any plan like that in mind, you think she is a good woman and worth being your wife, then marry her. Do it because you want to marry her. If not nna, find a girl there and marry jhor

canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.

11 Likes 1 Share

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Phabulous828(m): 8:59pm On Dec 20, 2020
longetivity:
T for Table
Table is for sitting

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by thorpido(m): 9:01pm On Dec 20, 2020
canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.
Let her be for the meanwhile then.Keep dating and communicating with her.When you think you want to settle with her,you may need to come to Nigeria to marry her and help her move abroad.

The option of coming abroad through studies,can she afford the fees?

If your girlfriend was my sister, I'll ask her to keep her options open.If she meets a good man here who is ready to settle with her,I'll ask her to go for him.

201 Likes 8 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by crackhaus: 9:26pm On Dec 20, 2020
I just do not envisage myself pulling a woman up the social ladder. I prefer she makes her own growth moves as it relates to finances or relocation.
You have your answer.

16 Likes

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by ProOfThemAll: 9:32pm On Dec 20, 2020
Please let me know if I can tag along. Even if na to arrange me inside Ghana must go like parcel. I ready. 9ja don tire .

Don’t worry I will find my way once I land on America soil

10 Likes

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Skmoda360(m): 9:37pm On Dec 20, 2020
canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.
Then don't pls...

2 Likes

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by NoToPile: 10:05pm On Dec 20, 2020
thorpido:
Let her be for the meanwhile then.Keep dating and communicating with her.When you think you want to settle with her,you may need to come to Nigeria to marry her and help her move abroad.

The option of coming abroad through studies,can she afford the fees?

If your girlfriend was my sister, I'll ask her to keep her options open.If she meets a good man here who is ready to settle with her,I'll ask her to go for him



@ bolded I would tell my sister same too.

@Cattendra you want her to be her own person and not wait to be sponsored, is it possible to study abroad without any sort of help ( scholarship, loan, whatever ) you will need help even if it's a loan you have to payback.

You have decided you will never sponsor a woman abroad I would suggest you date one abroad(since you are not even sure of marrying her) and she may only want to go abroad only with the assurance of marriage- Personal preferences.

137 Likes 5 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by LordKO(m): 10:47pm On Dec 20, 2020
From your far-reached resolution and connotation of your submission, you don't believe in altruism/love, then don't sponsor her immigration via a spousal visa. You'll be better off having a contract marriage with her or any other woman, for your peace of mind in particular and sanity of the both of you in general. I expect you to man up and tell her boldly that you don't believe in love, instead of taking to disingenuousness in relating with her, and allow her to decide whether or not to continue with whatever that exists between the two of you.

However, assuming that you're a proponent and practitioner of altruism/love, I don't see anything wrong in one sponsoring his fiancee or wife's immigration via a spousal visa; all the news about betrayal happening and flying around notwithstanding. The reason is simple, whatever cause I believe in, I give my best, and I don't condone anyone who doesn't meet my set ethical standard.

So, anyone I vetted and chose as a lover/wife, I've always accorded her the privilege of being part and parcel of me as a proponent of oneness, while staying a discerning step ahead of her, of course. You need to master the art of giving everything without losing anything and walking out like a boss when things turn sour.

Meanwhile, opportunism and its peripheral vice aren't female gender exclusive, because personally, in an issue like this, I have suffered more betrayal from fellow men; well, that's because they've been my major beneficiaries. My motto in this regard is simple, betray me, shame on you; outsmart me, shame on me.

Love remains a sign of strength, not weakness.

104 Likes 10 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by SaiRuiMall: 10:58pm On Dec 20, 2020
Your name is Alex, and the girl's name is Susan.

4 Likes

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Idonije8(m): 11:40pm On Dec 20, 2020
You nor see woman marry there?? Too many stories about men helping their girlfriends to America then along the line something happened if I was you I will marry someone there preferably a white sweet lady grin : abeg leave this Nigeria girls they are so ungrateful when they finally get what they want

60 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by pozehnani(f): 12:46am On Dec 21, 2020
Childish behavior. Why the fend for yourself idea when you plan to marry her?
She should dump you and never look back because your type can make marriage hellish for a woman.

This mentality of yours is so bad and it will make you lose a lot. You better drop it before aze wunyen a gba gi there.

63 Likes 8 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by ImaIma1(f): 1:19am On Dec 21, 2020
canttedra:
The recent topic on the home page motivated me to make this post, anonymously of course.

We were dating before I left Nigeria. We've been dating for about three years. Sometime last year I got a new job in the US (I schooled there so it was easy), and moved away from the country. Until a few weeks ago, we talked nearly every other day. It's always fun talking to her. But lately, things have started to get a little rough because of something that came up, and which I would like to believe is not my fault.

Prior to dating her, since I was a kid in university, I made myself a few promises relating to women:

1. I will never pay a woman's school fees
2. I will never rent a house or apartment for a woman, nor furnish an existing apartment
3. I will never sponsor a woman abroad.

Of course, this does not mean that I won't buy a woman gifts (I do that regularly), or take her on a nice trip. I just do not envisage myself pulling a woman up the social ladder. I prefer she makes her own growth moves as it relates to finances or relocation.

I made these promises based on the fact that I expected that whomever I make a partner should be able to make something of their own selves. I do not want to be anybody's savior or anyone's get-out-of-jail card. This resolution has made lose a few women in the past who thought the relationship should be based on what they can get out of it, and my girlfriend knows this.

The situation right now is that there is a path for her to come to America through studying. We already talked about her applying for graduate studies and then transitioning here into a better job. However, she now feels that would be stressful and may not work. Instead, she thinks it's better if I return to Nigeria this December to marry her and then sponsor her eventually to the US. That's not going to happen. This has created a rift and we have not been talking for a while now.

Am I being unreasonable here? How can I make her realize she can be her own person and not have to depend on someone else to "sponsor" her? It just drives me nuts that she knows this about me but is now vehemently insisting that this is the only viable option.


You have built your wall so high and set very rigid and strict rules of engagement. You should understand that not everyone will be able to afford what you expect. Not everyone can make it on their own. Some people need help.

Would you have these same rules for your sisters? Would you sponsor them or insist that they grow by themselves?

Love usually sees beyond rules and breaks defences and walls but you still hold on to all your "nevers". Well, if both of you are not on the same page, you know what to do.

77 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by gram: 1:39am On Dec 21, 2020
I have not read your story, but I have an answer in response to your topic: No, don’t bring her to the US - It’s almost always the wrong thing to do. Don’t sponsor a Nigerian lady to the US. Let her find her own way there... I could go on and on explaining why it’s always a bad idea.

Now, I’d go ahead and read your story in detail.

Good luck to you bro.

66 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by 400billionman: 2:12am On Dec 21, 2020
You can assist her to come abroad.

When she arrives, start ignoring her. Do not make her feel indebted to you. Allow her to live her life. Let her see reasons to continue dating you. If you are not a person of value, people won't chose to associate with you.

Her real self will show up.

When you do something for someone, do not expect repayment from them.

25 Likes 1 Share

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Nobody: 2:30am On Dec 21, 2020
If the roles were reversed, what would she do? Think about it from that angle.

42 Likes 1 Share

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by daewoorazer(m): 2:42am On Dec 21, 2020
You be mumu

First, for the lady to say that “emigrating via graduate studies” is such a huge task to her shows you she’s not industrious and possibly not motivated career-wise.

Everything u do, don’t ever bring any village girl come abroad....she fit reach there make her eyes open and love someone else.


It’ll be too late to witch-hunt, even their immigration won’t listen to you!

47 Likes 2 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Mindlog: 3:17am On Dec 21, 2020
To cut the long short, since you are not even sure you want to marry the lady then redirect your energy on women around you there in the US who have finished Grad school and get yourself a bride.

At least it eliminates you sharing the tiring story of how ungrateful your Nigerian raised wife is after you relocated to her the US.

You are not her Messiah and stop feeling her future is in your hands.

Be open with her, so she can move on and focus her attention on other men.

68 Likes 7 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Nobody: 4:55am On Dec 21, 2020
Stop wasting her time and yours!

Damn it! What the heck is wrong with men these days?!
How do you spend your precious and limited time researching a stock or investment opportunity daily (such relationships should have only one goal - marriage) without any plans to make the necessary investments? I mean, if you don't see a future with her and not willing to take the necessary steps required to be together, then what's the point of conversing on the phone daily? Heck! What's your hourly rate at work? Don't you have any value or respect for your time?

Men are decisive, so grow some balls and make a call. Pfft!

61 Likes 6 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by Chrisbella24(f): 5:07am On Dec 21, 2020
I just hate people that think the way you do.

"....... I'm not sure about marriage yet......."

Yen yen yen.

Leave her na
Why una just like to dey stress unaself.

You made a decision that you would never sponsor any woman. Now, why can't you decide this?


You brought it here on Nairaland so people will give you Advice they won't even accept on a Normal day when it comes to their relationships?

You know your girlfriend well, you've been dating for 3 fvcking years angry
So because one woman decided to be ungrateful after she traveled abroad with her husband now means every other woman will be the same?

You all are pathetic.

88 Likes 12 Shares

Re: Should I Bring Her Over To The US? by cooooooks(m): 5:09am On Dec 21, 2020
You are not unreasonable.

It is also better for her to come as a student and make her own way. If anything happens, she can stand on her own feet and not be alone.

If the US route is too jampacked, she could study in Canada or even Mexico or the Caribbean (especially if a medical field).

Plus, if you are not yet a permanent resident, you cannot sponsor her as a spouse.

canttedra:
The recent topic on the home page motivated me to make this post, anonymously of course.

We were dating before I left Nigeria. We've been dating for about three years. Sometime last year I got a new job in the US (I schooled there so it was easy), and moved away from the country. Until a few weeks ago, we talked nearly every other day. It's always fun talking to her. But lately, things have started to get a little rough because of something that came up, and which I would like to believe is not my fault.

Prior to dating her, since I was a kid in university, I made myself a few promises relating to women:

1. I will never pay a woman's school fees
2. I will never rent a house or apartment for a woman, nor furnish an existing apartment
3. I will never sponsor a woman abroad.

Of course, this does not mean that I won't buy a woman gifts (I do that regularly), or take her on a nice trip. I just do not envisage myself pulling a woman up the social ladder. I prefer she makes her own growth moves as it relates to finances or relocation.

I made these promises based on the fact that I expected that whomever I make a partner should be able to make something of their own selves. I do not want to be anybody's savior or anyone's get-out-of-jail card. This resolution has made lose a few women in the past who thought the relationship should be based on what they can get out of it, and my girlfriend knows this.

The situation right now is that there is a path for her to come to America through studying. We already talked about her applying for graduate studies and then transitioning here into a better job. However, she now feels that would be stressful and may not work. Instead, she thinks it's better if I return to Nigeria this December to marry her and then sponsor her eventually to the US. That's not going to happen. This has created a rift and we have not been talking for a while now.

Am I being unreasonable here? How can I make her realize she can be her own person and not have to depend on someone else to "sponsor" her? It just drives me nuts that she knows this about me but is now vehemently insisting that this is the only viable option.

6 Likes 1 Share

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