Hi nairalanders,
This should be the first question I'm asking on this forum and I hope to get some very reasonable answers.

There's this girl, a close friend of mine and a neighbor(no strings attached) who confides in me as regards issues troubling her mind.

She is about 20 years old and she has a very abusive mother. Sometimes, I hear her voice screaming sometimes late in the night and I hear some very damaging things said to her by her own mom. Things like "You're a witch," "You are very useless." "You're not my daughter." "evil soul" etc. I've heard these words myself late at night from her mother. So when she comes telling me her mother curses her with damaging remarks, I don't doubt her because I hear it myself. She also says her mom sometimes starves her for days without food to eat. And I really felt sorry for her, sometimes gave her something to eat.

Then I asked her why her mom behaves this way to her and she said it's simply because she sometimes disagrees with some actions her mother wants to take. This girl's father died a long time ago and so the mom is the only parent she currently has..

Now, this girl.. from personal observation.. is a nice girl. I know my street and I can tell the bent from the straight. To the best of my knowledge, I've not seen her misbehaving or doing anything to offend her mother. She's not staying late nights or bringing weird friends to their house. She tries to be a good child.

But the mother maltreats her anytime she tries disagree with her on anything she(the mother) wants to do. I have learnt that the mother is not even in good terms with her own family members and the family members of her late husband. So.. I feel the mother is the problem here.

I thought maybe she was a maid or probably an adopted child. But when I asked questions about her to the elderly people living around, it was widely agreed that she was indeed her mother and some of them were present during her naming ceremony.

This whole thing has beat my imagination because I don't understand why a mother will be so cruel to her own child to starve her occasionally and repeatedly call her damaging names all because she shares her honest opinion on issues.

I don't really want to get involved because I may complicate things for the poor girl who is yet to gain admission to the university and who barely has anywhere else she can call home.

Her mental health is seriously affected daily, she seems depressed and I really don't have a clue on how to advise this girl.

I feel a lot more people may be going through this but who can they talk to? The world tells them it's their mom and they have to endure. But this is extreme.

Any advice for her?

Thanks.

letitbeknowned:
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With all due respect, if you didn't have anything to contribute to the post, you should have not posted anything at all.

Her mental and emotional health is definitely important.

If she's 20 years, well maybe she should get busy. If she's lucky to have a close relationship with some family members, she can decide to stay away for a while.

She also should stop opposing her mum except it's something that would greatly effect her happiness.

Lastly, your views maybe far from the truth. Same way her mum have no good reason to say such words to her daughter.

Annwrites:
Her mental and emotional health is definitely important.

If she's 20 years, well maybe she should get busy. If she's lucky to have a close relationship with some family members, she can decide to stay away for a while.

She also should stop opposing her mum except it's something that would greatly effect her happiness.

Lastly, your views maybe far from the truth. Same way her mum have no good reason to say such words to her daughter.

Thanks for apt response. But if you were in her shoes, would you rather choose be party to something you know is wrong by keeping quiet than express your views for the sake of your "happiness"?

The mother is set in her ways and can hardly change at this point.
At age 20 your friend too isn’t a baby anymore and should know what sets the woman off!
It’s better she avoids butting into those things with her even if they’re clearly “wrong” as you put it.

She should focus more on sorting her own life and exiting that house as soon as possible either by career or by marriage!

I know of someone like that.majority of kids like that end up having low self esteem or looking for love outside.is too bad.the girl will have to endure.where can she go.if she lives how will she survive.even if she is hardworking.men will say she has one sugar daddy even without knowing her history.it is well

babythug:
The mother is set in her ways and can hardly change at this point.
At age 20 your friend too isn’t a baby anymore and should know what sets the woman off!
It’s better she avoids butting into those things with her even if they’re clearly “wrong” as you put it.

She should focus more on sorting her own life and exiting that house as soon as possible either by career or by marriage!

This is spot on. I also thought about it. So technically running away from the mother seems to be a good idea here?

Rosarie:
I know of someone like that.majority of kids like that end up having low self esteem or looking for love outside.is too bad.the girl will have to endure.where can she go.if she lives how will she survive.even if she is hardworking.men will say she has one sugar daddy even without knowing her history.it is well

That's just my thoughts. Even if she leaves the house which looks plausible.. how will she easily survive disconnected from her family. Can she really survive without any support or contact from the only family she knows with this low feelings of self which her mom has programmed into her? #myconcerns

Boldwinner:


Thanks for apt response. But if you were in her shoes, would you rather choose be party to something you know is wrong by keeping quiet than express your views for the sake of your "happiness"?

I have walked in a similar shoe before and I can tell you staying quiet and giving her mum less attention could make her mum adjust and she find peace.

It is wrong. Fine. But then what is wrong or right is relative.
And if all she has been getting is insult for pointing something as wrong to her mum, then I believe its high time she applies wisdom.

Boldwinner:

This is spot on. I also thought about it. So technically running away from the mother seems to be a good idea here?

No need to run away. She’s old enough and legally within her rights to move away from her parents place!

However because of the cultural peculiarities around here she has to have reasons which may include work and/ or marriage

She must be financially empowered though because once she leaves that woman won’t take her back

Is she in school or working? Can you help her get a job where you work if she is not working yet?

Annwrites:


I have walked in a similar shoe before and I can tell you staying quiet and giving her mum less attention could make her mum adjust and she find peace.

It is wrong. Fine. But then what is wrong or right is relative.
And if all she has been getting is insult for pointing something as wrong to her mum, then I believe its high time she applies wisdom.

Fair enough. Thanks

babythug:



No need to run away. She’s old enough and legally within her rights to move away from her parents place!

However because of the cultural peculiarities around here she has to have reasons which may include work and/ or marriage

She must be financially empowered though because once she leaves that woman won’t take her back

good

Unless you are ready to bear her responsibilities and let her move in with you, you'd better steer clear.

The only thing you can do is give her moral support.

You can't say for sure who is the guilty party here.

You don't expect her to blame herself, do you?

If what causes the abuse is that she disagrees with her mom, then until she is financially capable of moving out she better nod her head vigorously at whatever decision her mom makes and say a loud amen.

Lets look at it from this angle if the mother is overly abusive then its time the girl start thinking of how to leave that house,because you cant even stay with your family foréver tho,she should either find a job something that'll take her mind of the home,she comes back tired does some chores nobody will even have time for thierselves.
And more so the girl wants to be a solution or part of her moms life for some intimate reasons,i have come to discover in life you cant give what you dont have,she should lockup her mind over her mums behavioral and move on....lastly she should focus on her own happiness and let the world detect its own. :-) *just josh*