I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? - Romance - Nairaland
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| I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by arianne(f): 2:50pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
Hi nairalanders, am da newest baby in this family! hav read a lot of posts and comments on this forum and I think its every insightful though crazy a times! This is not about a friend of mine, but about me, myself & I. I am 25 and from a polygamous home (though my parents are xtains) and am scared of marriage. My once happy family turned into a living hell when I was 11 yrs and my dad brought in this second lady and since then nothing as being the same. when I was a little girl, he (my dad) used to tell me how much he adored & loved my mum, but I don’t understand how u say u love someone and then marry somebody else! I try to keep a fairly cordial relationship with my step mom but that got me into more trouble cos my mom considered this the ultimate betrayal and eventually she moved out. The situation I had to go thru and live with has made me never really give so much attention to any relationship I was in (been in 3) even though the guys were serious. I never get my self to commit to these guys cos in my mind it’s just a sick and worthless proposition and it kills everything I feel. I have and I want guys for my friends but nothing more. I left the country 2 years ago and now am back and my family is on my neck for marriage! I am not interested one bit and I av made that clear to them. I don’t need a man that will eventually become a prayer point for me for the rest of my life. I want kids though and I’d rather live with d so called stigma of being a single parent than live in constant fear of the horrors ant travails a marriage can bring. I know the disapproval from my family will be strong, but why should I care. Guys, do I stand a chance of still being happy & fulfilled as a single lady? |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by joyblinks(f): 3:12pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
your being a single lady is no big deal. you will be happy. even happier than some married women. even the bible says if you can stay alone u stay, but if you cant, then u get married. so my dear, i assure u, u will be very much happy. if u need a child, go and adopt one. good luck |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by cuteass1(f): 3:14pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
Of course you do . . there's hapiness evrywhere, you create your own hapiness, no one else. Whoever said there aren't a 1001 single, extremely happy mothers?  but then dear i know you went through hell in your family, many others before and after you have witnessed the same. That's just life but honey let that not blind-fold your eyes to all the numerous happy homes. You can't tell me you've not seen or witnessed happy couples with happy kids. Everything in life has a good and bad side to itYou'll never get to find out what your own story would be like unless you dare to try, and do not forget that no two destinies are the same. The fact that your mum was betrayed and back-stabbed, should not determine your hapiness  I understand that the suddenly-withdrawn love your father gave you will make it difficult to trust a guy, but believe me its not impossible for that to happen you have to fight the pains from childhood, let it out, face and overcome your fears, then open your mind. Let life come to you, then enjoy it. Love "love", maybe give it chance. I know you'll be fine For some people the experience you went through will weaken them, for some, it will make them stronger  If at the end of the day you still want to be a single mum for the rest of your life, go for it, give it all you got but before you've dealt with your past and beaten it to the score, you might still not find the hapiness you seek in your kids. You might even drive them away from you due to the past You have to be happy to give your kid(s) a happy home comm'on girlfriend, you can do this Good luck hun  |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by cuteass1(f): 3:28pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
Btw dear i forgot the saying "first things, first" where are my manners? just want to welcome you to the nairaland "family" hope to see you around for a loooooong long time, catch fun, get enlightened, give someone who needs it your 2cents, and try as much as possible to ignore peace-breakers eeeeeennnnnnnnnjjjjjjjjjoooooooooooyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by VOR(m): 3:48pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
There ia a big difference between being a single lady and a single parent. If you choose to be a single lady, fine, as it only concerns you.Being a single parent however is different because you have to consider the well being of not just yourself. In my experience kids ordinarily would benefit from the love and security of a two parent family. Obviously there are exceptions but to deliberately go out to be a single mother from the off might not be in the best interest of the child. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by Dvampire(m): 3:52pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
you might have some degree of happiness being single, but there's something about marriage which makes it a vital part of our mortal existence. i was brought up by a single parent and i must tell you that there were times when i longed for the other parent. it was hard living (but thank God for today). sometimes, tody's divorce and breakup issues discourage a greater population of singles from getting married, but then, the choice is for the individual to make. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by Seun(m): 3:56pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
You need to learn all you can about marriage from successful couples only before your biological clock starts ticking. You can't make the right decision without first witnessing the right kind of marital relationship. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by osegwu(m): 4:03pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
Peeping into thread |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by arianne(f): 4:10pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
Thanks a lot guys for ur advice. @ cute ass: i rlly felt u, ur like d sister i neva had. thanks 4 da welcome i know there are happy couples and homes out there,unfortunately am not a product of one. everything marriage spells out to me is disappointment and animosity. i av felt great and atimes unexplainable feelings towards guys but then this constant fear takes ova and overwhelms me and it drowns my will to try. even if i was serious with someone, it would always be @ d back of my mind that it mite not last. i know life & love doesnt giv guarantees & i rlly wish it did. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by DrDre1(m): 10:07pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
@ Arianne Let me start by welcoming you to nairaland.com. I promise you will not regret joining this site.  As for the issue you have raised, I'm very sorry about situation that you have found yourself. To start with, you must realise that if your want to be a single parent because of your experience, it will not be a good tale to tell for you and even your kids(either adopted or biological). You must face your fears once and for all and fight it. I understand that it may not be easy but you must face it now so it doesn't swallow you up later in future. A bitter truth is that the same fear you have now can even rob you of your happiness as a single parent. Also, have it at the back of your mind that it's not only people that grew up under circumstances like yours have that fear. There are people that grow up in what you may look at as good homes but still have that fear too. I would have loved to say more but won't like to bore you. I'll add more as people contribute to the thread @ Cute-ass God bless you for your contribution  |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by Seun(m): 10:13pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
You need to expose yourself to a happy home before making a decision on whether to be single or not. Kapish? |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by spoilt(f): 10:18pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
its not by force to get married. its also not good to assume that because your dad was polygamous that you're husband will be.you have to know the person you marry and if along the way he changes you have the option of leaving you also have another option. you can have a live in companion and both of you dont have to get married. such long term relationships can last and are usually stable. but it can only work with someone who holds the same views like you do and doesnt want to get married. being a single mother is the hardest thing on earth.we have lots of women doing it but its not easy and physically draining since you dont get help from anywhere. its your call. good thing is that you are outside the country where women have a choice in how they want their lives to go. you wont have your mother on your neck everyday with marriage talks. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by DTruth1(m): 10:29pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
I believe life would go on anyway. Married or not, single or double parent, it is just left for you to decide what you think would be better for you. But for me it is not really worth the squeeze. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by cuteass1(f): 10:39pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
arianne:  ewwwwwwi felt you too now you want to know the secret behind the mutual feeling?*notices all the ears straining to hear* all ooh geez, see all the people that want to know . . lets take it some other time, ok? Its difficult to trust, give wholly, commit, and let your guards down after such an experience but honey there's no guarantee to you being happy as a single parent either ( come to think of it, the ratio of you being happy singly parenting to you being in a happy family home is actually 50:50)Darling don't you think your kids deserve a taste of what family is all about? because if your sole reason to being single is because of your experience, don't you think your kids might grow up to see themselves as being "punished" for your past?? Let the past, be past. Let it be the beginning not the end. Only you can make your "end" a worthy one. Love and marriage can be such a wonderful "thing", don't give up on your chances because your dad failed to "pay his dues" and even it doesn't work out, at least you tried and for the time it lasted, you have a story to tell You just have to let your heart take a risk, embrace love, i have a strong feeling that you'll do just fine if you're still bent on remaining single (your happiness is important too), give it a a thorough thinking through because that's your life time and the future of your kids we're talking about here. Like spoilt said, its not going to be easy but remember determination is the key to success i'll like to know you better so please keep in touch, because yes you are a sister Dr. Dre: bless you too dear |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by wealthlynk(m): 10:58pm On Apr 20, 2007 |
There is nothing new under the sun. If you spend more of your time to listen to the story of children from polygamous families then you will know that you've got your star to thank. Sure you can be happily married to any guy because all human beings are not the same. But girl you must be extra careful so you wouldn't fall into the same pit your mum fell into. True love is not written on the face but in the heart and it takes someone with the real eyes to see it. Do you have the real eyes? I will advice you not to rush and don't be deceive by a lot of deception flying around, stay cool, pray and allow your real eyes to search for the true love. I wish you success in your marital endeavor. Victor. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by hotchic1(f): 9:52pm On Apr 21, 2007 |
I think its worth griving a guy the chance to prove himself,you have learnt from your mum's mistake and that should help you in dealing with men,love woth your heart and not with your brain,dont get brain washed by love.I wish you goodluck,being a single mother may not be a very good decision,it may look very good now but you may not like it in later life. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by arianne(f): 7:19am On Apr 23, 2007 |
some these comments brought tears to my eyes. i really do undastand the points u guys are making but it not easy when ur "damaged". really its a walk, my walk thru d dark and i knw i gotta find my way alone. wealthlynk: Exactly, one on my deepest fears is ending up like my mum, giving my everything and getting nothing in return. My mum still loves my dad though and though she moved out, she ddnt divorce him. The pain was jst 2much for her to bear. I remember once talking to my step mom one evening and she took me back in time to how she met my dad and how crazy in love they were, in my mind i was so burnt to hear her tell me how she successfully destroyed something beautiful and she wasnt even sorry, knowing she's the reason why everything is wrong. a good marriage is made up of 2 good people, i can vouch for myself, knowing that if i say " i do" its till the day i die, but when it comes to the guy, who can? As for divorce, of course, if it doesnt work out, i pull out! i'll practically adore my kids, i would not deny them their rite to a father figure ( cos they'll need one) but i dnt think it necessarily has to be in the confines of a marriage. Am hopin, praying and believing that if God has something different in His agenda for me, it would be better than what i've been thru with my folks. thanks alot guys |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by arianne(f): 7:26am On Apr 23, 2007 |
spoilt: |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by zillonnair(m): 11:00am On Apr 23, 2007 |
H, m, mmn this is a serious matter. Well i feel you greatly, i am a product of the same system, but i grew up to disaccept so many things in my life, let me tell you what i did, i sat down analysed my family system and look out for what went wrong and i wrote them at the palm of my left hand so i dont forget. Like Seun said, if you probably hear the stories of others, you would definitely thank God for yours. Ok, I am 27 and since i was 3 my mom moved out and i have never set my eyes on her, she is not dead, can you imagine dat? I grew not nowing my mom, what could be more terrible than that! But its still not going to derail me from accepting a sub-standard kind of life. Remember, as a child you are not responsible for your mistakes, but as an adult, you have no one to blame. You have to be strong, life is for the strong, there is an inner strength in you that can overcome any obstacles, bring it out and you be glad you did. I have to be sincere with you honey, All you have to do is to give your life to Jesus, and if you have already done that, focus on God and God's word, it is your best option, and let me quickly add that marriages in church are more likely to endure the test of time, God bless you. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by zillonnair(m): 11:15am On Apr 23, 2007 |
Let me also quickly add that you maintain a positive attitude and talk positively always. Your life most times go in the direction of your thoughts and speech so like the scriptures says "guard your heart, cause out of it flows the issue of life." Always reject fears, negativity and all forms of anxiety. I recommend you use the scriptures, like i said earlier. The importance of the Word cannot be over-emphasised. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by okokobioko(m): 1:01pm On Apr 23, 2007 |
Hi,arianne; Let me first welcome you into the house;people like us don't really post mails but at least for the past one year or so, ve bn an ardent follower of nairaland and am very sure u aren't gonna regret joining this wonderful forum cos ve learnt alot. Let me begin by saying:80% of what happens to you in Life are determined by the thoughts you conceive,the confessions you make, your positive assertions and above all YOURSELF. U know what i guess u believe in God and since you believe in him, every negative thing that happens in life to us are for us to learn from them so as for us to turn them around into Positivities.Do u want to hear the truth:Your Family has nothing to do with your happiness in life, God just gave them to you inorder for you to have a platform to come into this world and have a default relationship. So,can u do this for yourself by making up your mind to extinguish thoughts generated from your Father above all your family and start conceiving in your thoughts the kind of family you want,have a vivid picture of the kind of husband and children u want to have in your mental faculty and don't talk about the negativities polygamous family brings but let you tongue starts talking about Happy Monogamous Family u can see around you. Above all Pray it out,Confees it ,Hold onto Possibillities. Cos U can actually have a Wonderful Family,if u can first make urself happy and extinguish all the fears and hatred incur from your father and your family;why not start praying for your father and your family and u will see in no time u will b the happiest person on earth. U can do it, dn't believe the mirage of the devil . All Da Best, Ciao |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by BIKINI(f): 1:34pm On Apr 23, 2007 |
My dearest arriane, Welcome to our great forum, About the issue you posted: A lot of people feel the same way u do in fact , milions .Do you know dat @ some point in ma school days i had to look for one word that would aptly describe this feeling ,and when i learnt it was gamophobia i knew just then it was a problem restricted to no miniute fraction of people. Back then when i try to fantasize aloud on how my dream family would be, i can clearly recall about 2 of my friends who would just sneer @ me and go into a tirade on why i shuldn't expect that kind of life but u know what , i used to tell them that 'those people aint the same people as me," . Life is not about one size fitting all, there are no hard and fast rules to it; what is good for the gander might not really be good for the geese, @ some point or the other there is what we call compromise,and then we really put our feet down to saying this is what i want. If being a single mother is what u crave for go for it after the initial fuss ,u 'll find out that after all said and done you are on your own.People wuld only peep@ you @ intervals to see how u are making out. The same goes for the conventional man & woman ensemble.Both of them have their own highs and lows . I WOULD ADVICE YOU TO TRY PRAYERS COS WHAT'S DONE CAN'T BE UNDONE, BUT THE FUTURE CAN BE CORRECTED. Think of how you can do wonderful things with yourself. YOU ARE INDEED A STRONG PERSON COS IT TAKES STRENTH OF CHARACTER FOR ANYONE TO DISCOVER HIS/HER WEAKNESSES AND ADDRESS IT I really wish parents would read this & see one of the long term effects of a family break -up. Breaking a family up is one hell of a selfish act. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF 4 MY SAKE, ARIANNE, AND CONTINUE BEING STRONG 4 COS U'LL NEED IT |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by ohla(f): 4:12pm On Apr 23, 2007 |
| my dear,u dnt need a man to be fulfilled or happy,if u eva tink u nid some one to make u happi por fulfilled,u wud neva b happy babes,b sides u are still quite young,dnt wori ur preety head all tings work together for good or them dat luv God.if marriage is for you,u sure will manage if nt you and only you can make you happy. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by arianne(f): 4:53pm On Apr 23, 2007 |
funny thing is i av gone thru alot of counselling bt neva really broke through. i did alot of things depending on my strength but i still failed, i definitely know i need God on this one if am gonna ever pull thru this, and definitely a good and patient man too, who will undastand where am comin from and be satisfied with all i hav to give. thanks guys |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by Nobody: 6:32pm On Apr 23, 2007 |
@arianne my dear, its not easy for deep wounds to heal it really hard. just don't give up on yourself . One day YOU will see past this, and it won't hurt anymore trust me. When the time comes it will work. For now don't give up hope and when those thoughts come remind them that one day YOU will get past this. Its HOPE - you were never meant to carry this hurt forever- YOU can be free. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by arianne(f): 2:47pm On Apr 25, 2007 |
salsera: i need some sort of miracle before its too late. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by LEVI2ME(m): 2:56pm On Apr 25, 2007 |
sorry. arris just wanna ask, not for play though HAVE YOU TRIED "DELIVERANCE" i think you might need it. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by moondust(m): 6:10pm On Apr 25, 2007 |
I wouldnt exactly recommend single parenthood 4 u, sista. because those who have had fate thrust it at them have neva confessed to like the experience so u might want to rethink ur plans and include getting married in ur agenda, CHEERS baby! |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by puker(m): 8:50pm On Apr 25, 2007 |
Baby you gotta make ya own man. Men are not sent from heaven. You must understand that you can be loved especially if you have all the qualities. Every day you meet and interact with poeple. Try to study and understand how your relationship goes. The reason to date poeple when you get to a marrital age is to understand the kind of person you are dating. I feel that if you try you can get a good husband. |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by adeboo(f): 9:05pm On Apr 25, 2007 |
But not all marriages break up though or are a living hell. But i feel where you are coming from, just take it one step at a time and am sure beofre u know it, yo will meet the guy that wants to make you settle down |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by arianne(f): 6:55am On Apr 26, 2007 |
LEVI2ME: hey no offense taken, but when u say "DELIVERANCE", is from the fear Men or Marriage, cos am down for any good man but not marriage. which is it? puker: @Pucker, i catch ur drift. The human heart is deep,u mite think u know all there is to know to a guy, u may even hav a defined and clear cut idea of wht u want ur lives 2gether to be like but thats all from ur end. u neva really see the big surprises comin. adeboo: thanks, i really look forward to that day  |
| Re: I Wanna Be Single Cos Am Gamophobic, Is It A Big Issue? by DTruth1(m): 7:34am On Apr 26, 2007 |
Nothing has control over ur life than 'ur will to survive'.U really need that. u have to open up. Everythin in life is risk. U dont have to allow things to control u, instead u control things |
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