XhosaNostra:


I didn't eat anything. It was just one of those things that came out of nowhere.

you dey fast?

verifiablefacts:

you dey fast?

I meant I didn't eat anything in the taxi, which is the question the other person asked me.

IamD18:

Permission granted.

After use, do well to share me the story to read.

OK boss, I'll surely do...jah bless

Let me type my own...

One day I got a call to come to a nearby town to meet a man and finalize a business. I traveled and was talking with him, then I felt this urge to shit all of a sudden. I was trying to rush the talk and conclude but the man was not having it. Then I told him what has happened to me that I need to use the toilet. Since that place was also his residence and business place, he had a toilet inside. The man declined saying that the only toilet in his house is inside that I can't use it.
I was like a time bomb waiting to explode, so I hurriedly had to leave.
I left the man's place and was praying I see a bike on the street to take me to my friends place which is not far from there. I didn't see, so I was moving very fast and trying to run,, but this kind of shit was one I had to use my muscles to hold it, else it'll disgrace me before I reach my guy's house.
I finally reach my guy compound,,, it's a kind of compound without fence, a flat, other houses surround it, then it has a small bush they throw water and all... By the time I reach him house the poor has started to come out, I thought I'll just open door and enter, unfortunately for me, he was not at home. I hurriedly turned to the back of the house and use the bush. Before I could slide my native I wore my boxer short was completely in shit..
All my trouser was stained. Luckily for me there was water outside so I washed the boxer and trouser before he arrived.
My only luck that day was that no body saw this happening to me..

About 10 years ago while in Ado Ekiti, I went to Central market to purchase something, that's when the stomach upset started.
..
gosh I swear, if that thing catch you, you go get heightened senses like Spiderman.
..
I quickly called a bike man and pleaded with him to take me to any nearby bush where I could splatter my load.
...
omo!.. the bike journey too no be here.. the bumpy roads almost killed me. when I dropped from the bike, I did not even bother collecting my change.
...
I rushed into the bush and the rest was history!.. chai!! ��

IamD18:
This is not my most embarrassing moment, but I'll like to share it.

Earlier this month in a gym house, I met a very beautiful and well-shaped lady and 2 of her friends. I got into discussion with 3 of them, as interesting and funny our discussion was, the one I was interested in jokingly came to me and sat on my laps, almost close to my diiick, I locked up. The more we gist, the more she shakes her ass, I got hard and uncomfortable, wanted to stand her up but thought it'll look embarrassing to her before her friends, I still locked up. She was putting on a hanging belly-button revealing sleeveless with a very tight leggings. Her nyash no dey stay one place, she dey gist with both mouth and nyash.

I was just so hard! I couldn't bear it any longer as I faked a call and jokingly tried to end the discussion, telling them that I'll be leaving to catch up on something. She stoop up, standing before me with a huge ass, she pleaded that I'll drop them off. As all these were happening, my diick was as erect as fvck, almost getting noticeable while seated that i can't even stand up before them. I obliged to her request, but was still seated.. I no wan cast myself by standing with my errected preeq because i was putting on sports trouser.

They were expecting me to stand but i pretended to be so weak and tired, hoping and looking for thoughts that will bring down my stubborn john-Thomas. As God may have it, immediately i thought of BUHARI and NNAMDI KANU, you need to see how my stubborn jnr dropped like music album, I smiled at them without them noticing the reason behind that smile, then stoop up and left with them.

Omo since that day, I no dey miss small mini-tight and Buhari picture anytime I dey go gym.

Hahaha

Bros you can lie for Africa, aswear.

But next time, think of Oshiomole.

It will give you the fastest result.

XhosaNostra:


LMFAO. OMG! I don't blame you though, that feeling is one of the worst.

I forgot to add that all of it happened a stone throw to my office.

No, one will ever understand the kind of energy i used to control it to no avail.

adanny01:


I forgot to add that all of it happened a stone throw to my office.

No, one will ever understand the kind of energy i used to control it to no avail.

Hahaha. It's like that though, it's just like pee. The closer you get to your destination, the worse it gets. It feels like you're about to lose your mind.

XhosaNostra:


I meant I didn't eat anything in the taxi, which is the question the other person asked me.

you must have eaten something(earlier), different reactions at different levels of digestion.

verifiablefacts:

you must have eaten something(earlier), different reactions at different levels of digestion.

I ate tripe the day before. I've since realized tripe doesn't agree with me. I experience the same thing every time I eat it, but it usually happens in the dead of the night.

ottersberger:
So, we had a visitor who was going back home. I had taken the day off so I can say my good bye's at the airport.

However, I received a call the night before, something to the effect, why don't you come by the house and we will all drive to the airport together.

So far so good. I set out the next morning for my scheduled rendezvous. Since I'm no longer going to the airport from my house, there's no need to drive with my car since that also enables me to spend a little more the with our departing visitor. I headed for the metro train.

In my neck of the woods, we have two metro systems. One is urban and the other cover both urban and sub urban areas. My destination is 45 minutes away from the city limits

Everything was just fine as we journeyed along until the train cleared the city limits and headed for the sub urban areas.

Then it happened. My stomach started churning. That in quick progression. The crescendo was not far off I concluded going by the rate at which things were getting out of hand.

I was feeling dizzy and my breath was shortening. I started sweating. Picture that a heavy hot brick was sitting in your duodenum, and is in a hurry to catch some fresh air.

To make matters worse, the useless train found a reason to halt in the middle of nowhere. The announcement claimed signal failure. Meanwhile, yours truly was pacing the isle uncontrollably. I couldn't sit still and the metro trains have no restroom. To make matters worse, these trains have cameras every 3 meters just in case anyone came to unwholesome ideas.

I was hoping that I can somehow make it to my destination train station, then quickly dash to a nearby hospital where I'm guaranteed a clean and hygienic toilet facility. My end destination is another 10 minutes bus ride away, so the hospital is my best bet.

Finally the train picked up it's journey while I tried to distract myself to gain time. No joy, I can't hold it in any longer. We pulled up at the next station in the middle of nowhere in deep winter, minus degrees weather and temperatures . My destination station is another 15 minutes away, I aptly made for the door and exited the train.

I can barely walk. This thing has declared its independence from within me and is on its way out without my consent. I tallied for a few seconds for fellow alighted passengers to fan out, then took off like a departing airliner in the direction of adjourning farmlands.

It felt like I died and rose back to life again. The relief is indescribable. I learnt to appreciate every mother in that very moment. Child labour can't be far off.

Done and relived although still sweating. But, there is still a little problem, which male leave home with sanitary paper in tow?. Aha!.

Luckily, the underpants promptly came to the rescue.

So, the son of man quietly eased himself back to the station, finally relieved and waited for the next train. No underpants, but eternally grateful for that farm cluster.

Nice write up. I could picture every moment

MyphoneandI:


Fully air-conditioned brt..? Bros why na

There are/used to be Fully air conditioned BRT. I have boarded many times then. Can't really say of now o.

coolh3ad:



There are/used to be Fully air conditioned BRT. I have boarded many times then. Can't really say of now o.

The BRT buses are still fully air conditioned.

Happened years back, in secondary school. a bit lengthy, but just read.

It was a sunny Friday afternoon, school had just closed so my friends and i went to a nearby field to play football.
Just as we were about to kick the ball, i saw that people gathered by the side of the pitch buying ice cream.

"That ice cream must be delicious" i whispered to myself. I asked another person to replace me, and i ran to get myself this mysterious ice cream, chocolate flavour; it was so delicious, my taste buds exploded. I ended up buying two more and that was my undoing.

I sat for like 15mins wondering what was going on with my stomach, it was rumbling and groaning like a beast.
I didn't even say anything to my friends, i wore my trouser and immediately i ran the wind.

First, there was no bush around, so that was not an option, and my money wasn't enough after buying 3 ice creams. Imagine i had to trek all the way down to a certain gate for like 20mins with only my butt cheeks holding this hot shit together.

Omo when i reached the gate, i was just shouting "bike, bikeeeee!!!!" Lol with my blood shot eyes and sweats all over my face. Entered a bike and i was screaming to the bike man "faster, fasterrr" it was as if i was in labour.

Finally i reached my street, and my God! bushes and grasses had never looked so beautiful in eyes. Stopped the bike, i cant remember how much but i threw money at him and dived into the bush like that guy in Contra. My trouser wasn't coming off, so i did the thing right inside the trouser, yes you heard!!! came out from the bush and my ass looked bigger lol! Folded my trouser so the shit won't drop. Walked home like a big man....... The rest......

Ndidinma:
The BRT buses are still fully air conditioned.

wow!. That's cool..

This is so me and I have actually experienced twice.

On my way to a cousin's place in surulere (Lagos) with my sister. Everything looks fine and promising when I left the house. You know when you are hanging out with your little sister and you want to create this impression of " I am the big brother". I started feeling this royal rumble in my stomach from Ojodu berger to Ojota to catch a bus to Surulere.. It got worse when we approached Oregun and the journey started to look quite far. The bus was picking passengers from any bus stop and you need to see how some passengers were taking their time to alight from the bus. I was still thinking I can suck it up anyways till I alighted from the bus at Ojota. I had to pause after every 5 step that I took while walking to suck it up...it was getting worse. My sister didn't even notice why the stops. All she wanted was to get to our cousin's place to get her groove on. I kept praying cos I couldn't walk again...I thought of just doing it in the open inside the gutter at Ojota bus stop. I thought of all the embarrassment it would cause myself and especially my sister....In fact I thought of just doing it on my body and get a bike to take me home from Ojota. I was almost in tears begging God to save me, then I sighted this RED coloured housing. It felt like God sent that stuff down for my sake. Rushed there and the Lady in charge told me it's 50naira...I said to myself let it be 5,000 I will pay double sef. That was how I was saved o. You can imagine almighty Ojota and you are that stranded in broad day light around 11am!!!! Men God dey!

XhosaNostra:


With my 50 billion megawatts smile, I can even shit on an igwe's hat

Just joking, but I know how to diffuse a situation.

Like so

You can never make a comment without indirectly shading Nigeria.



50 billion megawatts smile that can't cure millions of HIV carrier in your country is that one a smile.


just joking anyway.

jieta:
You can never make a comment without indirectly shading Nigeria.



50 billion megawatts smile that can't cure millions of HIV carrier in your country is that one a smile.


just joking anyway.

Where's the shade? I obviously made a joke to make it relatable to him. If it makes you happy, I could shit on the Zulu king' s feathered hat. Damn! What difference does it make?

I'll try it on a few HIV patients to see if it works. Never thought of that before. Good idea.

hmm mine happened some two years ago. I was having a ''running '' stomach that morning, I had just 200naira with me but I no gree buy drugs from am. Na so I chop raw garri thinking everything done dey alright.
had a two hour lecture that afternoon, my guys say make i stay house as I no well, I no gree(mr serious student) less than 30minutes into the lecture I couldn't hear anything again, see sweat for my head, my hand were shaking. my brother Na hot purge hold me so, I could not stand for fear of poo coming out. as my belle calm small Na so I dashed off from lecture (nothing mattered that moment, if u see as I take cross roads without looking right and left) I go run small stop and stand still to hold it from coming, when it calms again, run will start again. got home and boom.... Na so I dey untop toilet they say ''thank you Jesus '' ...i won't even pray that experience for my enemies.

this one happened to me about seven years ago when my church took us to easter camp out,i cant still remember wat i dat day buh i knw i had a serious stomach problem,it was bad i hat to go summon my sister at the choirs side,she rushed outside to help me look for toilet cause i was quite young and dense.

Unfortunately, the church had no toilet ,so i and my sister started moving around house to house,by the time we started moving i began to let goooooo(poo) little by little by the time we found a house i had let half out i had started smelling, with tears in my eyes i walked gently to their toilet and blasted everywhere,my problems started wen i found out they had no water in the house ,mehn i had to wash every inch of their toilet dat day.
i had to throw my pant away,my lace had little shit on it.thankful to my sis she helped my rub it off a little,i was embarrased to enter the bus dat took us home dat day cos i smelled like SHIT

Yuceeluv:
okaaayyyyyy sooooo I was in the choir at LFC chinda branch port Harcourt.

One of our choir practice days, I was jejely sitting and learning song o. Then I felt it moving towards the exit region. I looked around at other choir members(including one guy I was crushing on) sitting and singing along. I said within me, lai lai this m*ss no go do me dis kain thing. And I knew if I stood up at the time,it'll just break free and scatter everywhere . So I kinda like suppressed and pushed it back in(yes I sabi suck in m*ss).

I took permission from our leader and went to d toilet and bulldozed everywhere . Coming back majestically trying to take my sit jejely, I felt a strong force escape again o with a serious stench that pointed in my direction before I could even feel it form in my inside o. I just sat down .No words. I didn't dare look in the direction of my crush else I fit run comot from rehearsal.

true definition of embarrassing..

MyphoneandI:


Fully air-conditioned brt..? Bros why na

Yes, the blue BRT buses in Lagos are fully air conditioned.

horhizah:


Yes, the blue BRT buses in Lagos are fully air conditioned.

Emabinu ejoor.
I've never entered blue brt B4. Na only red ones my village people dey direct me go

MyphoneandI:


Fully air-conditioned brt..? Bros why na

lol na you sabi oh...abi you no dey stay lag?

During service year (Sokoto)...
Was moonlighting...
Returning home with my bicycle around 4:45am...
Weather was too hot and there was so much heat...
I couldn't stay at the workplace...
The plan was to ride home and take a bath, sleep small and prepare for class at PPA...
Was a 35-minute bicycle ride from workplace to corper's lodge...
After 20 minutes, I slept off on the bicycle and crashed, tumbling and rolling from one lane to the next...
Blood and bruises everywhere...
Now history.

I started to imagine later, why trailers dey get accidents from time to time.
Lack of sleep na bad thing.

Abegi make una leave matter for Mathias

Check my signature

I was moving from left to right on my sit, and being a very shy person, i wouldn't speak up.... Sweating, droped my phone and odas in my back pack, so that i can survive this nature call, i managed to get to ojota, from shagamu
and there was trafic, around 6:30, Dawn already setting in, i just told the driver, lemme get down, seems they have noticed i was holding the shit all along, the passengers helped me to shout at the driver, i look around, behind the flowers, shit my thing, no water, no tissues... I use flower to clean my anus... The kind of peace i felt afterward is more sweet than honey.... Whew! I almost die oo
cc: fibonacci2526, Gptech, dollyjoy

Athena4:
If you menstruate and you have never STARTED BLEEDING ALL OVER THE FUCKÎNG PLACE, IN PUBLIC.FAAAAR AWAY FROM ANY PAD WHATSOEVER.(because you weren't expecting aunty Flo so early) You never start be that. The thought of attempting to sit down is like contemplating suicide. This shît is one of the worst things on Earth.

one day it happened to me mine was so heavy it was dripping at d bustop see run... Lol.. I hopped bike Omo... It wasn't funny and I was on my way to work o

Very hilarious thread...

stinjoe:
Honestly, failure to attend the call of nature at when due can embrass someone.
I didn't have enough rest before attending a vigil. "Please, you all should have your seat". Said the pastor. My people, i was sleeping peacefully while still standing up galantly. The rest they say, was history.
Please, drop yours let keep the fire burning.

The day i fell from 24 story building at the age of 2

Is it possible to pee inside plane? Because I did not want to embarrass myself so I held it till i reached Lagos Airport, see downloading of pee na

adanny01:


Mine was worst.

I was at Sheraton for a meeting, the meeting was over, I started feeling the contraction like a woman in labour. I thought to myself either i use the toilet in the hotel or go to my office. The contraction wasn't too pressing at that moment so i decided to head to office where it will be most convenient (i spend time in the loo). A big mistake it turn out to be.

On the way, the contractions increased, i was sweating and shivering profusely i had to turn the ac to max. By the last under pass u turn to my office, i could not drive anymore and couldn't hold it anymore.

I parked, luckily, police used to check vehicles there but they where not there. There was some tall grasses but inside a barb fence i could not find access. Meanwhile, i was in an unbelievable state of confusion and distress, practically holding it back with my breathe.

With no one on sight, just opened the front passenger door, dropped my trousers and let it flow on the foot mat. Some ppl were coming, i had no time so i pulled my trousers up and sat. They passed without suspicion but i stained both boxers and trousers.

Luckily i had a full set of clothes in the boot. I also had a bottle of water. I disposed both my boxers and car foot mat, cleaned myself, wore a new boxer and trousers. I went home straight, before getting home, bought air freshener sprayed the car, dropped the car at the car wash and walked home.

I told only my wife.

...chai shit no dey respect anybody oo