VIC4U:

Thanks for the comment!

But to b frank, What did u kn about their marriage? so u can give smdy advice just like that.
okay! Go ahead!!

you're obviously suffering from BLANK-BRAIN SYNDROME

what sincerely do u xpect me to kw bout dere marriage sides d one she shared wit nairaland members?

point is,ur questions r baseless cos it still not justifies any reason 4 him to bring a mistress into their matrimonial home.

Most of the people yelling at michelin cant even write/speak English correctly.

How about dealing with that problem first before attacking the girl?

dremoney:

you're obviously suffering from BLANK-BRAIN SYNDROME

I WISH U THE SAME !!!

screw someone else, that way u wont feel so bad.

and be careful, statistics show that men who cheat have a greater chance of infecting thier innocent wives with AIDS. so sweety think really really hard before u go back. If u still choose too, find soemone a regular screw buddy adn have some fun, of course dont forget to keep that little secret to ur self.

Take him back but make his life a living hell first then he will know not to take you for granted again. i hope you beat the holy hell out of them when you caught them.even when you go back demand to know his where abouts at all times and do alot of pop up suprises on him and if he complains let him know that this was what he wanted.

Poor Michelin, the way she presented her point made it look like she was a supporter of broken homes

Well Maddam, take heart. Just forgive him I know its hard. But once you marry you become one flesh. So not forgiving him = not forgiving yourself. Come back to him. But let him know you really feel bad.

I guess if he is normal the occurrence will never repeat itself. Remember, marriage is a life contract. You signed it in the church didn't you?

Yes you did sign it with an "I do" So why stop doing now?

LADYJINI,

Issues pertaining to marriage are too sacred to be discussed on an online forum.

You should know better.

If you need someone to approach, it should be your pastor or spiritual head.

I believe the post by dnice has really said it all
i know that it must hurt,valentine day of all days (I'm not saying that any other day would have made it okay)
and in ur matrimonial home and bed.what nerve
please remember that u did sign a for better for worse contract so my advice to u would be that u go back to him no matter how painful it might be.pray to GOD to touch his heart cos there's really no guaranty that he wont devise other methods of adultery.I will pray for you

hey!sory 4 wat happened but remember,we are all humans .try and talk to him and find out what made him do it.above all,look inwards and find it in your heart to forgive him.Remmber also you said for better for worse,though ,that should not mean you should be foolish sha!all the best.

hmmm i still say screw someone else, that way u might think u are even. i love how people drag the church into these matters, when some people marry in the court and never in the church, or they marry in front of a bunch of relatives (traditional wedding). Anyway sha, yes marriage is a life long committment, but marriage is not all about ur husband, ur needs and ur children's needs are important as well, so leaving his ass those not make u a bad person, i mean would u want ur daughter growing up thinkin its ok for men to do that, or worse ur son thinking the same thing.

THere is no point in being in a marriage were ur feelings are constantly being trampled. THen its not a marriage, i dont know what the heck it is but it isnt a marriage. blah blah bla (forgive and forget) hmmm mmm try forgiving and come back adn tell us how that worked out for u. MEn need to be taught a lesson or two. And no reasonable woman who bleeps a married man will marry him. He is waht he is another dick, women are becoming smarter so the least of ur worries is leaving him for the other woman, eventually he will do the same thing to her or better she might hurt him by sleeping with someone else.

At least u can take faith in knowing that karma is a bitch. eventually it will come back to hunt him, just hope u arent there to suffer with him, ho ha.

to everyone calling me immature. I won't take such nonsense from hypocrites like you.

Women: you are really the cause of your condition. Until you keep on forgiving in the name of saving marriage, men will always take you for granted and teat you with no respect. You lack of independence and ambition and think the highest form of achievement in life is to get married and stay married even when your husband is teating you like shit. I am really sorry for you. You will always remain in a state of subordination for the rest of your life.

Men: you have found real dummies as wives. I now understand why you prefer to have fun with foreigners but never marry them, because you know they wouldn't take your shits all in the name of being respected by others. You don't marry Nigerian women because of patriotism but simply because they are well known for their foolishness and insensitivity.

Keep on living this way. No one should ever come and complain that she met her spouse with someone else. As it has been said a Nigerian man will always cheat on you. it's in their nature to do so.

my question is: are you guys leaving together? where were you

on that valetine day? In other words, he was not expecting you back?

Honestly, I never knoew you were married.

And please, Learn to forgive his excesses as you will want the good lord

to forgive you

finemocha:

hmmm i still say screw someone else, that way u might think u are even.

Stooping low like him won't make her feel better.

finemocha:

i love how people drag the church into these matters, when some people marry in the court and never in the church, or they marry in front of a bunch of relatives (traditional wedding).

That is the lazy man's way of life and thought. "Pastors and God will always solve my problems for me"

finemocha:

Anyway sha, yes marriage is a life long committment, but marriage is not all about your husband, your needs and your children's needs are important as well, so leaving his ass those not make u a bad person, i mean would u want your daughter growing up thinkin its ok for men to do that, or worse your son thinking the same thing.

African women make their men their gods and wonder why they still teat them like trash. Why wouldn't they when everyday of their lives they are being told, proved you can't live without them?

Most Nigerians don't give a damn about the psychological impact this might have on their children. they don't even believe that something like that exists. They consider it to be one of those western stuff that doesn't belong to the Africans.

finemocha:

THere is no point in being in a marriage were your feelings are constantly being trampled. THen its not a marriage, i don't know what the heck it is but it isnt a marriage. blah blah bla (forgive and forget) hmmm mmm try forgiving and come back adn tell us how that worked out for u.

Remember you are addressing a Nigerian woman who thinks marriage is for better and for worse. there is no point in telling her this and that because she will surely go back to her husband.

finemocha:

MEn need to be taught a lesson or two. And no reasonable woman who bleeps a married man will marry him. He is waht he is another privates, women are becoming smarter so the least of your worries is leaving him for the other woman, eventually he will do the same thing to her or better she might hurt him by sleeping with someone else.

Women don't give a damn about other women. They are just looking for someone to hook up with. They could care less about his marital status.

finemocha:

At least u can take faith in knowing that karma is a bitch. eventually it will come back to hunt him, just hope u arent there to suffer with him, ho ha.

Or better suffer for him or because of him. Men aren't worth dying for!

I think those that are not married should not offer advice.

I'm not married, so no advice.

I do sympathise, however, and I beg u : Do not accept any advice from anyone here under 25, unmarried, or both.

dakmanzero:

I think those that are not married should not offer advice.

I'm not married, so no advice.

I do sympathise, however, and I beg u : Do not accept any advice from anyone here under 25, unmarried, or both.

Wise words except that.

By saying that you are giving advice youself!

Circular logic is only a problem to academics, computers and those who would rather not listen

'Everything I say is a lie'

will give the above a problem, as if everything i say is a lie, that must be a lie too! However any normal human being won't get any wahala from that

So, there you go!

michelin89

true talk girly, our so called nigerian culture needs a remix, because all this nonsense is getting old. im sick adn tired of women growing through this nonsense. i have a lot of american friends some cheated some didnt and those who did never brought the woman home and got caught in thier apratments or houses. but i constantly hear this bull of nigerian men bringin home thier mistress. THEN Y STAY WITH HIM, HE HAS DONE THE ONE THING ON THIS PLANET THAT MERITS U LEAVING HIM. CAN U IMAGINE BRINGIN HOME ANOTHER WOMAN AND GETTING CAUGHT IN YOUR BED. GIRLS ON THIS FORUM JUST IMAGINE IF U GUYS WALKED IN ON YOUR FATHER IN HIS BED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHO WAS NOT YOUR MOTHER. WHAT WOULD U DO? WHAT THE HECK WOULD U GUYS DO? THEN THE MEN ON THIS FORUM IMAGINE IF U WALKED IN ON UR FATHER WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN UR PARENTS BED. HOW HURT WOULD U GUYS BE?

THAT MAN IS A DISGUSTING PIECE OF EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, GIRLY NO OFFENSE BUT THE MARRIAGE IS ALREADY OVER. IF U ARE GOING TO DO DIRT BE SMART OR RESPECTFUL TO DO IT OUT OF THE HOME, DONT BRING THAT TRASH IN YOUR HOME. CLEARLY HE DOESNT VIEW HIS MARRIAGE AS IMPORTANT IF NOT HE WOULDNT HAVE BROUGHT HER HOME. YES WE ALL UNDERSTAND HUMANS CHEAT, BUT THE SMART ONES ARE NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO DRAG THEIR GARBAGE TO THIER FRONT DOOR.

Oh God!
I thought @Michelin and co. have shut their trap.
Once again, marriage counselling is a sub-speciality of psychology/psychiatry. You need a Ph.D, plus additional years of internship to be licensed to offer marriage counselling in most socities.
Subsequently, it is very expensive on the average to undergo counselling, however, people who can't afford such professional experties make do with counselling from their religious, cultural, or social leaders. It's only in naija that uneducated, uninformed, and inexperienced people like Michelin and fineMocha become accidental marriage counsellors and become loud about it too!
Poster's not talking about her boyfriend, she's talking about her marriage- one of the most important and sacred institutions of human beings. Everyone ought to be guarded and real in their advice.
Unless your a marriage professional, every advice u give is just a myth based on your own personal experience and background.

must say good point there

naijaking1:

Oh God!
I thought @Michelin and co. have shut their trap.

Shut up yours. I have not read your entire post but I can smell shit already,

naijaking1:

Once again, marriage counselling is a sub-speciality of psychology/psychiatry. You need a Ph.D, plus additional years of internship to be licensed to offer marriage counselling in most socities.

Do you have one? Who are you to tell me to shut my mouth up? Show me your Ph.D then maybe I can listen to whatever you have to say.

naijaking1:

Subsequently, it is very expensive on the average to undergo counselling, however, people who can't afford such professional experties make do with counselling from their religious, cultural, or social leaders.

Now I understand why things as going so bad. These spouses are in the hands of ignorants and illetrates.

naijaking1:

It's only in naija that uneducated, uninformed, and inexperienced people like Michelin and fineMocha become accidental marriage counsellors and become loud about it too!

Didn't you check my profile? I live in Italy. This says a lot about your IQ!

naijaking1:

Poster's not talking about her boyfriend, she's talking about her marriage- one of the most important and sacred institutions of human beings. Everyone ought to be guarded and real in their advice.

Telling her to be blind over her husband's craps are more unreal to me! Yet you call marriage a sacred institution. It seems to me that marriage, contrary to what a lot of African women believe is more about the men's happiness. No one gives a damn about the women as far as the men are happy. Even when they make mistakes the women are always the ones to be told to check themselves as if they were the ones at fault in every situation.

naijaking1:

Unless your a marriage professional, every advice u give is just a myth based on your own personal experience and background.

A myth eh? Listen I can see from your nick that you are a man and Nigerian for that matter. What should I be expecting from you if not the same old nonsense other Nigerian men have been saying?!

@Michelin
u just don't understand! nothing personal- ok.
Good to know ur in Italy. In NYC, most young Italian girls ur age talk about Italian men as if the men are monsters, in Minnenesota; all u need to do is listen to some teenage girls talk about Norwegian men as if they are dogs. In Houston, young Mexican girls are literarily embarrassed to be seen with Mexican men.
Guess what?
After their post-pubercent years( 17-25), these girls end up marrying men of their own kind.
Statistically, most people are more compartible with their own kind.
Now down to ur level: most naija will marry naija, most Italian will marry Italian, most Mexicans will marry Mexicans, etc.
It's a sociological fact, and no matter what kind of screwed up background u have, it's never gonna change Ms marriage counsellor. Give ur self room to grow, intellectually.

@poster
if u really have a marital problem, go to a professional. If u would go to lawyer for a court case, a surgeon for an operation, and an accountant to help u keep ur books, why would u go to people like MICHELIN for advice about ur marriage?
if u live in NY, NJ area, I would have given u some referrences, but if not look around ur area for a marriage counsellor, consult ur spiritual, social or cultural head who also has a relationship with ur husband, and who would understand the whole story and not just the way u presented it to the forum.
Or are u just raising a discussion?
In my practice, I have seen people die from indirect effects of social trauma like divorce and seperation- I'm not saying that divorce will kill u directly, I'm saying that marriage is very important.
Good luck and so long.

Im sure if michelin had written something like "men always cheat. forgive your husband" no one would be saying crap like "only married people should respond" "you're too young to say anything" yada yada

You people are full of it.

Its best u forgive him,if he is not ready to apologise and change his ways then i think its best u leave.If u decide to cheat or get revenge its like u are not different from him,if u need any help just reply me okay best of luck,

@thiefofhearts

I would have said that anyway. Many of my mates are married, and I am close to enough married couples to have been exposed to all sorts of marital problems.

From that I know two things: Knee-jerk responses like michelins' and those of other obviously unmarried people, both male and female, on this thread are dangerous- and I also know that when asked to deal with such problems I can absolutely *not* relate despite all that I have seen, talk less of someone who is used to observing from the standpoint of a dependant, a third-hand observer, or a trainee (premarital relationships)

Marriage is more than just sacred, it is life defining. If I asked you what to do when diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, how would you answer? Those that are qualified to answer are either doctors or fellow MS patients. Finding a woman on top of your husband is a similar blow to a person's future and propensity for happiness in this life.

We can't trivialise it by giving her advice as if the man were merely her boyfriend. "dump him" is wicked and deadly advice. "ignore him, men are like that" is even worse.

Like naijking said, people qualified for this study to a doctorate level. That should tell you that it is no simple matter.

naijaking1:

@Michelin
u just don't understand! nothing personal- ok.
Good to know your in Italy. In NYC, most young Italian girls your age talk about Italian men as if the men are monsters, in Minnenesota; all u need to do is listen to some teenage girls talk about Norwegian men as if they are dogs. In Houston, young Mexican girls are literarily embarrassed to be seen with Mexican men.
Guess what?
After their post-pubercent years( 17-25), these girls end up marrying men of their own kind.
Statistically, most people are more compartible with their own kind.
Now down to your level: most naija will marry naija, most Italian will marry Italian, most Mexicans will marry Mexicans, etc.
It's a sociological fact, and no matter what kind of screwed up background u have, it's never going to change Ms marriage counsellor. Give your self room to grow, intellectually.

Can't you see I am Nigerian or do I look white or mulato to you?

Nigerian men are neither good to Nigerian women nor foreigners. Everyone complains about them. They have created a very notorious reputation for themselves. In this forum you can find several threads about non-Nigerian women saying how mean and terrible our men are!

You need to grow intellectually. I see you can't value any situation. Marriage is indeed important, but this man doesn't see it as such. Telling this woman to take her husband back is like putting the entire success of the marriage on her shoulders. I believe it should be a cooperation and when there is none, I won't advice anyone to go back.
This husband of hers brought in another woman, on their matrimonial bed on San Valentine's day.
He was adulterous, disrespectful and absolutely mean and insensitive. I thought Valentine's day was meant for you and your loved one and if he chose the mistress over her who he prefers is quite obvious.
Stop blinding yourself and see things for how they are.

naijaking and darkmenzo well said.
off the cuff advice from forums is not the best in this case. everyone can chip in here and there with what they think, including those who don't know the first thing about relationships or how to keep one.  It is easy to offer advice based on what people sense as common sense, but marriage is more complicated even among married folks, one has to be careful how advice is dished out, because again each circumstance is unique to each couple. Some times some people work through infidelity and they stay together, sometimes they can not bear each other, i can not say , neither can anyone. 16 - 20 something year olds certainly can not give an objective view on the matter even if it is a married 16yr old, that is a fact. that is why sometimes it is best to go to special forums for mature people going through this sort of thing . What one would get here is a mix match of juvenile show offs .

Well am sorry about this situation cause this can cause your whole world and everything you believe in to seem like a lie.

Well, you really need to consider what you wanna do. It totally depends on you, if you no its something you can work out, then do it but there will be some trust issues to deal with.

Do the ball is in ur court, weigh the options and see where you stand.

Rofl, I like how a supposedly married woman couldnt just give an answer to the situation , I mean after all it's said that only married people should be the ones answering, but instead of her doing that, she's too busy kissing male behinds and bashing other people under the veil of immature passive agressive comments.

lol so predictable. Rock on,

@michelin

No need to stress yourself defending your opinions. You dont have to, and you obviously will not change the opinion of anybody else here. People have made up their minds.

Hopefully you are smart enough to recognize you dont know everything

Hopefully you are able to understand that there may be folks wiser than yourself out there who have had experiences you can learn from.

Climb down from your soapbox and preaching for a bit and listen. Might do you a world of good in the future