|Join Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New|
Stats: 2,714,693 members, 6,415,037 topics. Date: Sunday, 01 August 2021 at 03:40 AM
|Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 3:32pm On Jun 16, 2019|
JOKE OF THE DAY
Buhari met with the Queen of England in London n asked her...How do you run such an efficient government here?
Are there any tips you can give to me? I want to help Nigeria.
QUEEN: The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.
Buhari: How do I know the people around me are really intelligent?
QUEEN: Oh, that's easy. Just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.
The Queen sent for Theresa May. Theresa May walked into the room,
MAY: Yes, your Majesty.
You sent for me.
QUEEN: Answer this riddle. Theresa, your mother and father have a child, it is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
MAY: Hmmm... that would be me.
QUEEN: Yes, very good.
When Buhari came back home he sent for Abba Kyari.
Kyari walk in to Buhari's office.
Kyari : Sir you call me.
Buhari: Yes sit down and answer this; Your mother and your father have a child, it's not your brother and it's not your sister, who is it?
Kyari: I'm not sure, let me get back to you.
He asked all his staff in the office but none could give him an answer. Kyari then ran to Fashola.
Kyari asked: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"
FASHOLA: That's easy. It's me!
Kyari smiled and said, Thanks! Then he went back to speak with President Buhari.
Kyari: Sir, I have the answer to that riddle, It's Babatunde Raji Fashola!
Buhari got angry, and said to Kyari; No wonder Nigeria isn't moving forward, I am surrounded by dummies! The answer is... Theresa May!!!
Make someone laugh for "A Merry Heart Doeth Good Like A Medicine." (Proverbs).
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 3:33pm On Jun 16, 2019|
A Policeman was checking the assignment of his two sons. He checked the Senior
child's work who scored 55 over 100 and flogged him. He turned to the junior child, who scored 14 over 100, opened his notebook and without saying a word, walked away.The older child ask the younger one.
"U wey no sabi anytin, why Papa no flog u?.The younger one replied: I put N200 inside my notebook!
U forget say Papa na Policeman?.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by bluecircle470: 3:43pm On Jun 16, 2019|
Well it’s a dry joke...
1 Like 1 Share
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by erifeoluwasimi(f): 3:58pm On Jun 16, 2019|
Nice one. The Theresa one made me lol
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by Kaceman(m): 5:15pm On Jun 16, 2019|
Bubu the dullard u nd ur pple too much
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 10:26am On Jun 17, 2019|
Kaceman:na so my man
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by Ofego222755: 11:55am On Jun 17, 2019|
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 7:26am On Jun 18, 2019|
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 7:47am On Jun 19, 2019|
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
4 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 10:07pm On Jul 11, 2019|
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 4:18pm On Jul 18, 2019|
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 2:43pm On Jul 19, 2019|
Can't stop laughing..I was buying fufu at d junction while waiting for change I saw a woman with a little child. The child was walking a bit faster than the woman and the woman shouted; "Degree wait for me". I was so amazed hearing that name. So to satisfy my curiosity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; "ma, why do u call this child degree"? The woman laughed and said "I sent her mother to the University and this is what she brought home.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 3:57pm On Jul 20, 2019|
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 7:50pm On Jul 20, 2019|
Boy: Hey mum can I have 100 dollars?
Mum: Son money doesn't grow on trees
Boy: Where does money come from?
Boy: Does Paper come from?
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 2:16pm On Jul 21, 2019|
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 2:24pm On Jul 21, 2019|
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 2:41pm On Jul 21, 2019|
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 2:52pm On Jul 21, 2019|
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 3:06pm On Jul 21, 2019|
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 3:10pm On Jul 21, 2019|
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by fireback: 3:13pm On Jul 25, 2019|
What will happen if I share Bread and Akara on my wedding day?.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 3:01pm On Jul 28, 2019|
If all women in the world decided to pause sex until the cure for aids is found, men would find it in 30 days.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 8:01am On Aug 07, 2019|
Human beings fall and rise, Dick fall and rise, currency fall and rise. But when breast fall, ehhhh ... It is finished! ... ���
2 Likes 1 Share
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 6:25pm On Aug 14, 2019|
Osman was in love
with a girl but
never had the
guts to tell her.
One night around 10pm,
some courage &
sent her a text
"Kadiatu, I love you,
Plz reply & tell me
how you feel."
A few seconds later
he received a
on his phone.
He was so scared and
too tensed to open
it that night
so he decided not to
check the message
until the next morning
when he's less tense
and in better senses.
So he went to sleep.
When he woke up
the next day
he prayed seriously
about the message
for good news,
went about doing
his morning chores,
brushed his teeth,
ate his breakfast
took a bath,
dressed himself up then climbed into bed
and picked his phone
to read the message
on his phone.
This was the response
"Dear customer you have
insufficient balance to send this message. Please recharge your account and try again".
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 8:38pm On Aug 15, 2019|
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 3:37pm On Aug 19, 2019|
A drunkard falls from the 1st floor of a storey building. A nearby crowd rushes to help him: Crowd: What happened?
Drunkard: I don't know ooo. I also just arrived
2 Likes 1 Share
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 9:43pm On Aug 24, 2019|
*I asked my friend where I could meet women who scream loudly in bed. And this idiot took me to maternity ward.*
Am still standing there baffled.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 2:45pm On Aug 27, 2019|
A boy was appointed as receptionist in a girls hostel. After 2 months the warden called the boy and said, "Why have you not come for your salary?" Boy: Oh my God! You’re paying salary also
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 12:21pm On Sep 11, 2019|
A man sits on the balcony having drinks with his wife, and he says, “I love you!”. Out of surprise, the wife asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me… and am talking to the beer
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 1:09pm On Sep 18, 2019|
Aremu on his sick bed in the hospital called for his wife and four children.
Aremu: To you my wife (Deroju), take over the Petroleum Company.
Deroju: Started crying loudly.
Aremu: To you my first son (Ola), take over the shopping mall and the gas station.
Aremu: To you my second son(Ishola), take over the Airport.
Ishola: Crying louder.
Aremu : To you my third son(Dolapo), take over Sheraton Hotel.
Aremu: To you my only daughter(Dammy), the Teaching Hospital is yours.
Dammy : Crying loudest.
The confused nurse in the room with them asked: "I don't understand why you people are crying and screaming in pain, at least your Dad left you a great deal of properties to make you all comfortable till the end of time".
Wife: Properties kor, comfortable ni. He is a Cleaner and those are places he cleans everyday.
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 4:28pm On Sep 21, 2019|
A Governor wants to paint the Government house.. He calls for quotation..
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million..
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million...
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million for paint, 1 million for labour and 1 million profit.."
The Governor asked european guy.. He replied-".. 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit.."
The Governor asked Nigerian guy.. He replied...."4 million for you..."3 million for me.... and we will give "3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!"
The Nigerian guy got the contract!
How you see am ?
|Re: Jokes For The Week, let us hear urs by ysyowel(m): 2:52pm On Sep 29, 2019|
bluecircle470:what of this one
A teacher brought two buckets in a classroom, filled one with BEER and the other filled with WATER...
Then she brought a DONKEY to drink.
Donkey smelled both buckets and decided to drink WATER...
Teacher then asked the students, "What have u learnt from today's lesson?"
The students chorused
"ANYONE WHO DOESN'T DRINK BEER IS A DONKEY"
|Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health |
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket
Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2021 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 174