Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. - Jokes Etc (6) - Nairaland
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| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by shakara4u(m): 8:04am On Mar 16, 2011 |
Never say Never, thats a rule!!!!! howdy? |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 2:40pm On Mar 22, 2011 |
these seem funny to me. thought i should share: An old lady English teacher ask: When I say 'I am beautiful, which tense is it? One pupil answered: Its the past tense of course. SOLDIER : Sir, we are surrounded! MAJOR : Excellent! We can attack in any direction now! What should be in a book to make it a bestseller? A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl When u have done something worng N ur in trouble , go to ur parents for sound advice. You'll get , 99% sound and 1% advice! Doctor: sorry, test shows that u got alzhiemers, !, Old man: Im very worried, Doctor: Dont worry, Im sure u will forget about it, Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on u have to pay in advance,, Boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying, Whats the difference between a wife and a pack of cigarettes? Both of them make you sick but cigarettes at least come with a warning, |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 2:49pm On Mar 22, 2011 |
The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid, What's the diff. between buying a lottery and arguing with ur lady?The lottery you have a chance of winning, women to men: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee. men replied: if you were my wife I would drink it, Sometimes small things in life hurt a lot. If you don't agree with me, try to sit on a needle, Wife: I wish I was a newspaper I'd be in ur hands all day Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper So I could have a new everyday Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk and the boy next to you took three what would you have? Pupil: A fight! |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by PDF: 2:47pm On Mar 28, 2011 |
Q: what did the gangster's son say when he failed his exams? A: dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but i didnt tell them a thing! Feels like getting some work done, and so I'm sitting down until d feeling passes. When somebody says you've changed, it's probably because you stopped living ur life their way. Please, please, don't write on my wall, I just painted it yesterday. Thanks! Life is simple: Eat, sleep, change ur facebook status! Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad. Practise safe lunch, Use a condiment! Tomorrow! Yes tomorrow, I'm gon write a blog post about procrastination. Build a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set him on fire n he's warm the rest of his life. the difference btw complete n finish; when a right man meets the right woman;he is COMPLETE when the right man is with the wrong woman;he is FINISHED when the right woman catches the right man with the wrong woman;he is COMPLETELY FINISHED,  |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 3:51pm On Mar 29, 2011 |
PDF: nice one, more. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by shakara4u(m): 4:15pm On Mar 29, 2011 |
@PDF, makes lots of sense nyc job |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by Talktrue(m): 8:27am On Mar 30, 2011 |
Here's a couple of thing some of us would love to say at work if we can. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of **it. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet its hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good enough for you? I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. This is good. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I don't work here, I'm a consultant. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. Ahhhhh , , I see the screw up fairy has visited us again. Cheers. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by helenonovo: 10:05am On Mar 30, 2011 |
my guy u too much abeg chop noodles sry knuckles!!!!!! |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by Phate07(m): 10:21am On Mar 30, 2011 |
Random Quotes: *** A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station, If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Clones are people two. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by Phate07(m): 10:25am On Mar 30, 2011 |
Man + Woman ** Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate overnight. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 1 Like |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by Phate07(m): 10:29am On Mar 30, 2011 |
Family Definitions ** Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren. Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator. Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots. Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her. Child -- a lump bred up in darkness. Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother. Uncle -- a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him. Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted. Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her. Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble. Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments. Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by simplymee: 7:22pm On Mar 30, 2011 |
NA FROM CLAP WE DEY TAKE ENTER DANCE. NA PLAY PLAY WE DEY TAKE GET PLAYERS EAT WHAT YOU CAN AND BE PROUD AFTERALL BELLE' NO BE SHOWGLASS |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by Talktrue(m): 3:30pm On Mar 31, 2011 |
Some more stuff that one wishes could be said in an office. I like you, you remind me of when I was young and stupid. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 3:54pm On Apr 01, 2011 |
simplymee: |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 4:29pm On May 18, 2011 |
I ain't a killer but don't push me. Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pu33y - Tupac U never know how creative ur thought process is until u sit on a wet toilet trying to convince urself that it is something other than pee! Whoever says patience is the key to success, must never had experienced a slow internet connection . What is the difference between Liability & Asset ? A Drunk 'Guy' with u is a Liability and A Drunk 'Girl' with u is an Asset ;-) As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Don't feel bad, there are lots of people like you out there who don't have talent :-) |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 4:44pm On May 18, 2011 |
Either stop corruption or give me equal opportunities to participate in it :-) Angry girl- y d hell u gave me football on my b'day, u know i don't play. "Well, u gave me books on mine, u knew i don't study either" Ladies love too much and Men love too many. I've just seen some1 update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From d Titanic". What, Dead at d bottom of d ocean? I Dislike People who complain all damn day, attempting to depress you with their depression. Prostitution is a job with a lot of interviews. I'm graduating with honors in being a good man. Can you hire me? #MyWayOfaskingAGirlOut |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 4:57pm On May 18, 2011 |
Love is a gamble, and you might end up broke. You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, exaggerated and then used against you. Mαths questions αre so stupid. They're like: "If I hαve 10 chocolαtes αnd I eαt 9, whαt do I hαve now?"Oh I don't know, Diαbets mαybe? I was asked ''What should a wife do if she finds out her husband is gay?'' I replied: Take it like a man. I may be fat , but You are UGLY & their ain't no diet for that  What do you do if you see ur ex running ar0und infront of ur h0use covered in blood?? Relax.Reload.and take a better shot #lmao |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by labaks(f): 5:36pm On May 18, 2011 |
lwsmy- laff wan scatter ma yansh!!!! i luv dem, kip it rollin dude  |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by leriks(m): 5:43pm On Jul 16, 2011 |
@all NL u guys re d bulb sorry i mean bomb! Lol |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 4:15pm On Jul 17, 2011 |
My life's greatest regret has been my inability to get chased by hungry dinosaurs. "Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer to use the term 'surprise adoption'" That one guy that always uses big words with a smirk knowing good and well Nobody understands him. On Behalf of the world, I Hate You!! Not giving your ex directions, BECAUSE EVERY DOG FINDS THEIR WAY HOME. Sometimes, kicking a man's ass is the only love he can accept It is okay to cheat. Just dont get caught, I dnt waste ma tym in watchn films, Am an actor let evri1 watch me! |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by mikuz(m): 7:42pm On Jul 17, 2011 |
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, likethe passengers in his car. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 7:26pm On Jul 30, 2011 |
I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls If a female is biting her lip, you know your doing a damn good job with whatever your doing. You have Vitamin C deficiency, no cash or credit. I think FB should have some realistic relationship options, 'happily single' and 'stress-fully committed'. Silence doesn't always mean YES. Sometimes, silence means LOADING. If a quiz is called a quizzical then what's a Test  . . . . Don't laugh, answer the question.For those who keep sending me farm ville requests Please stop! I got banned cause i was growing marijuana & selling it in Mafia Wars! The Only Thing You Get In Life Without Trying is dandruff "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names" Just in case you want to add them on Facebook. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4reel: 7:28pm On Jul 30, 2011 |
I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls If a female is biting her lip, you know your doing a damn good job with whatever your doing. You have Vitamin C deficiency, no cash or credit. I think FB should have some realistic relationship options, 'happily single' and 'stress-fully committed'. Silence doesn't always mean YES. Sometimes, silence means LOADING. If a quiz is called a quizzical then what's a Test . . . . Don't laugh, answer the question.For those who keep sending me farm ville requests Please stop! I got banned cause i was growing marijuana & selling it in Mafia Wars! The Only Thing You Get In Life Without Trying is dandruff "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names" Just in case you want to add them on Facebook. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by XGlass(m): 7:01pm On Sep 21, 2011 |
Yeah nice one |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by koolJ1(f): 12:09pm On Oct 18, 2011 |
Nice ones,poster.keep em comin |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by koolJ1(f): 12:10pm On Oct 18, 2011 |
Nice ones,poster.keep em comin |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 8:37pm On Mar 11, 2012 |
been a while. |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 8:02pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
Bank Cashier: "Can i help you?".. ."No, I just waited in line for an hour just to say Hi. Shout Out 2 All The Girls Without Car But have A Car Charger 4 BB . |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 8:04pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
Signs That You Ugly You are always told 2 act the Role of 'Satan' in any Church Drama" Am Sure Every Igbo Child Must have grown up playing with "Spare parts" as Toy |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 8:06pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
U tattooed his name on ur waist & boobs, now he broke up wid u, u r Lookin 4 his namesake. That Funny Moment When Your Boyfriend Is Being Nominated With Another Girl As 'Best Couple |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 8:07pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
The moment a girl suddenly updates ur name on her pm, she uses ur pics as her dp, she even dey kiss u via bbm, bros RUN! Her BIS wan expire!" if u help a gal when she is in problem, she will always remember u only when she is in problem again |
| Re: Hilarious And Thought Provoken Quotes. by md4real(m): 8:08pm On Dec 16, 2012 |
One question I've been finding an answer to all my life is; "If the Igbos don't travel to the village during Christmas, what will happen? "Most girls pray for hardworking men, yet they don't respond to greetings from bricklayers. God is watching you. |
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