Sisimmi . . my dear you are 30 years old, you stared dating him when you were 20, you are not a kid, you were not one then either!

The decision is yours to make. Your guy has said it all . . . The mistake you made was to involve your family when you did but that is water under the bridge now!

I think you need a break from him, a clean break. You should even date other people, have sex with them . . compare notes! You and I know that something is pulling you . . follow it! Chase your dreams, live your life. Be happy! But I can tell you from here that you will trun back someday. Just hope that he'll be there waiting! Goodluck . .

this is the most important part:

Let us still be friends.  Keep your phone lines open and let us keep talking.  Everything that looks impossible today would fade into nothingness tomorrow.  Don't close the door.  And even if you want to close the door, let us do it as friends!

He has given you the permission to leave if you want to. Just be friends with him. Who knows you may even redevelop your feelings for him and if you don't, at least u know you have a friend.
case closed.

scanobo

Your pastor is very inconsistent! Today 'God said he's your husband' . . Tommorow 'God said if you marry him one of you will die young' . Now I'm no expert but I seem to remember the part of the bible which says that 'God is not man that he should change his mind, neither is he human that he should repent of his decisions' . . Or something like that!

These pastors are humans, they have personal opinions and convinctions. You should go to God in prayers and forget what your pastor said! I'm beginning to sound like a parrot but you are 30, you should know better!

kill joy

Wow very touchin story and equally deep advice. However the sincerity of the guy cannot be questiond and the posters confusion evident. I actually read somwhere to love is a decision so poster take time out to weigh ur options.

chaircover:

Uju the sale went well o my sister. Thank you very much. So you are on our SMS list

Did I not say something about some pastors? How can a pastor advise you to get married to a man because of a sheet of paper to take to the NYSC office without your parents knowledge. Now the same pastor says that the guy is not the right one. All I know is that my God is not a God of confusion.

At 30 you should be making your own decisions and not your pastor or family or even Nairalanders making them for you.

Cool!

sisimmi:

@ujujuan:
I rather I stay on my own for a very long time than date any other man. At least, for now. I already have plenty friends who are men but the moment I succumb to have anyone of them climb me, that is the end. I know that much about who I am. I've been many months without sex already! I really have no appetite for it at all. My problem is the possible consequence of my actions. If he write to my employers about the NYSC matter, I'll be out of job. And, I'm just 4 months old in my office! He can also wait around and molest me in the office here, since he doesn't know where I live. Or worse case, kill me! I know if he feels frustrated enough, he can kill!

Well, good thinking. You should stay off commitement right now with any other man, but I'll recommend some NSA sex!

Don't worry, if what he says in his emails are true, then he won't hurt you . . He'll learn to live without you and if you guys decide to get back together, it'll be on a clean slate!

Its really hard walkin away from long term rship, pls a friend is actually havin some problems wit her rship. Let me just summarise: she has bin datin 4 d past 8yrs. Three yrs into d rship her parents forbade her 4rm datin d guy reasons were he had no education to support her dat she would end up takin care of him. She kept datin him secretly believin dat wen tins improvd 4 him her parents would change their mind. Now she is 32yr and the situatn is still d same she just got a job where d pay her a paltry sum. She seriously wants outbut doesnt know wat to do . She is scared of wat her life wit d guy mite be and she is worried if she leaves where does she start from.

poster i seriously think you want everybody here to tell you to dump the guy.

I became sad when i read the part where you said marriage arrangement.I can only say you prolly didnt knw what you were doing then but you must have been comfortable with him being your hubby then.not having PG roots must have affected you and from that marriage you sound like someone who will do almost anything to get what she wants.

I think you want to experience life on a new level,.pls date fresh guys so you will get to know the pool to choose from is very shallow.you dont have to sleep with them just go on and experience the new life with financial freedom,stability and being single.and it really was not nice putting up his letter of appeals for everyone to read to me that was in bad taste you could have summarised it.

You also said he can kill you,did you think before you said that or you just wanted to show how bad he is for you.think twice before you make any other move dnt be desperate cos your desperation to be in Abuja is what has caused this mess.control your emotions,stay away from him,if possible delete his next mails before reading them that way you get a totally you perspective on things and this time around you need to make a bed you can lie on with no regrets.Goodluck

One thing i must say - the dude sounds like a responsible fellow from his emails. 13 yrs is no joke though, if i were in his shoes i cant begin to contemplate how to start with another woman. I dont think Sisimmi is thinking this thing through beyond her present fog of anger and resentment.

One thing is also obvious, whatever contributed to the crash of this relationship . . . the OP is equally at fault.

sisimmi:

@ujujuan:
I rather I stay on my own for a very long time than date any other man. At least, for now.  I already have plenty friends who are men but the moment I succumb to have anyone of them climb me, that is the end.  I know that much about who I am.  I've been many months without sex already!  I really have no appetite for it at all.  My problem is the possible consequence of my actions. If he write to my employers about the NYSC matter, I'll be out of job. And, I'm just 4 months old in my office!  He can also wait around and molest me in the office here, since he doesn't know where I live.  Or worse case, kill me!  I know if he feels frustrated enough, he can kill!  

@Poster,
From your post, you have started enjoying the company and started thinking about other men, having crushes for them but you know one thing.

What will you do if that new guy you allow in your life if full of deceit and lies, if he just showing all the care in the world to get under ur panties. Do you know how many girls the new guy has slept with or will still have s3x with?

Will you go back and beg your man then.

Well, it might turn to be the best man and option for you as well. Nobody except God knows tomorrow/future.

You might have missed those escapades while you were in the school or growing up, now that you got the money and the time, u want to have a feel of what it is but you cant do it without having your freedom. So you have to find a way or remembering the issue you have once forgave so as to "free him " and then you'll have your way without being tagged a cheat or feel guilty conscience.

, or may be you just want revenge

What will you do if you suddenly loose this job that is giving you the financial edge over him. Will you run back to him.

I'm not a prophet of doom neither do I know this guy in question. It's will be better for the guy to be alone that you being with him and still be bitter or unable to forgive him.
You don't need the approval of NL to move on with  your life, sincerely we are just anonymous people.

Yes, Things will get better for him, His light will shine again, He will rise again. he will move on. From his mail, this guy wont hurt you even if you decide to leave.

"WE 'RE FREE TO CHOOSE BUT WE 'RE NOT FREE TO CHOOSE THE CONSEQUENCES OF OUR CHOICE"

Make your choice and face the consequences (good or bad) thereafter.

@POSTER

WHEN A MAN FIND HIMSELF IN DESPERATE TIMES ALOT OF THINGS HAPPENS TO HIM.

AS PER THE CHEATING ASPECT I WILL SAY THATS BAD.

BUT DUE TO LOSS OF JOB WITH THE HONOURABLE THAT HELPED YOU HE IS BOUND TO BE FEELING INSECURE REASON IS THAT SOEM MEN CANT EVEN BE TRUSTED AT ALL FATHER FRIEND OR NOT. HENCE U GUY MAKING A FUSS.

ALSO THINK WHAT IF HE DIDNT LOSE HIS JOB DEN ND U R MARRIED HE NOW LOOSES HIS JOB WILL YOU GO RUNNING TO YOUR FAMILY ? OR QUITE THE MARRIAGE ?

ALSO WHEN A RELATIONSHIP DRAGS FOR TOO LONG I HAVE SEEN THAT COUPLES THEN START LOOKING FOR LITTLE EXCUSES TO ACCUSE EACH OTHER AND START LOOKING FOR ISSUES THAT ARE NOT THERE. 10YRS UNA DON SEE UNA SEF FINISH SO WETIN REMAIN.

EXPERIENCE AS THEY SAY IS THE BEST TEACHER. I HAD A FRIEND WHO DATED A GIRL FOR 3YRS WHEN THEY WERE FACED WITH FAMILY ISSUES AND TRIBAL DIFFERENCES IN THE 3RD YEAR THEY STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT EACH OTHER GETTING UPSET AT LITTLE THINGS . THINGS DAT 2YRS AGO THEY WOOULDNT EVEN BOTHER ABOUT, TO CUT THE LONG STORY SHORT THEY HAVE GONE THEIR SEPERATE WAYS.

THINK WISE AND THINK WELL BEFORE YOU DECIDE. THE NYSC AS U SAID BEARS HISNAMEND U GET AM FOR COURT SAYING U GUYS ARE MARRIED.

guys are confusing me the more.  I've opened my phone lines.  I wanted to completely change the lines and possibly, seek for transfer from my present location.  But, my auntie's husband tends to bend towards the guy and has been calling me to sheathe the sword.  My problem is, won't he do worse things to me?  How would I blot out his forceful violation of me on friday from my mind?

@Sisimmi
Please see how you can blot out that experience in which he forcefully violated you, it is very bad of him but his state of mind made him do that. People do worse in that state of mind and I am not justifying him. If possible let him know how much that hurt, (the gravity of that and that you will never condone that) that way you two can talk that out and get over it whether you are moving on with him or not. It is such a gross and killing thing for you to grudge over. I myself that is speaking I don't know how I can forgive that but still see how you can forgive him for the sake of the love you have shared over the years.
You don't have to block him out if you want to go out and test the water by changing your lines and stuffs (do be careful as many have said, the fish you may come across in the water may not come close to him), you need to help him get through it. I am sure you love your life and don't want him to get to that point of "I love you so much that we will rather die together than I live without you" so use your brain dear. I once advised a guy( that I was in no way compatible to but yet he liked me too much to let go) to find another friend and encouraged him until he started another relationship, now he and his woman are so thrilled talking about the baby they are expecting for him to remember how much he used to love me. The little role I managed to get from them is that of a soon to be godmother and I am thrilled too. Right now, I am acting like the mother hen or even mother-in-law to them and keep advising his woman, "hope you are eating your nutritious food and stuff?". At least everybody is happy and my life is intact for me.

My search for a solution to the strange occurence united me with my Pastor. I prayed under his guidance and the problem was resolved. He is quite an amiable, humble and very religious man who has been very supportive since then.

Pastor man has been good to you but never blindly believe in your fellow human being, ask the people that worshipped Pastor/Dr King in nigeria what happened to them and their saviour and almighty King. Only trust in God, your problems right now is that lots are blocking your mind from him and among the lots are your absolute belief in the pastor. Use your head for yourself, I hope pastor man will be able to manufacture another man for you when you need one sha.

@ post i will advice u not to leave this guy now i ones fund my self i similar situation infact men a usualy like that when they can't provide for the woman they love it got so frustrated that i alomost walked away but for the intervention of my sister and i thank God i neva did cos that man is now my husband and the father of my kids God finaly gave him a very good job and till date he does not joke with me just sept my last birthday he bought me one of the latest Toyota cars i am saying this in order to encourage u to prayerfuly ask God for his will for u maritaly if u are sure God still have a hand in it pls forgive him pray for him to get a job and go ahead with the wedding i understand how u feel but don't wory it will soon be well

@Poster reading from your post you have a good man right there. He has begged and apologised to you countless times. Forgive and forget. If possible both of you should give each other some space/time to heal from every anger and animosity. Reflection and references from the past has never been helpful in a relationship. Marriage is for matured minds.

Your problem is not your problem but the way you handle your problem. Good luck

@ujujoan,chaircover-my apologies.
i think i understand u two now.
@op,go back to ur man and work it out cos even ur pastor's revelation is contradictory
u two should pray together and go to counseling together
God wld bring back the lost love in ur relationship
pls forget testing the waters
there is nothing really there
whatever that made u think that there are a lot of men that want u
let it also remind u that getting a good man that really loves u isnt easy
and u  arent 20 anymore so think carefully for as u make ur bed,so u'ld lie on it.may God inspire u to make the right decision though.

^^^ Apologies accepted!

@sisimmi
Leave the guy! You need to start afresh and rediscover love. Baby,  Start afresh with me. I am a much better guy for you. Even tho I have no job and many girlfriends, I am sure I hv room for you in my heart. I will prove to you that a guy without a job doesn't hv to be crazy and violate you. I won't be jealous if you bring home the money or if you do anything with Mr. Honorable (its ok to do so, after all we both hv side shows).

I will be at home waiting for you tonight to wipe your tears away (or beat up your ex bf/fiance/husband). My address is Plot 656D Lokoja Street,Aread 7, Garki Abuja.

I Love You  .
deniyor

soft girl:

@ post i will advice u not to leave this guy now i ones fund my self i similar situation infact men a usualy like that when they can't provide for the woman they love it got so frustrated that i alomost walked away but for the intervention of my sister and i thank God i neva did cos that man is now my husband and the father of my kids God finaly gave him a very good job and till date he does not joke with me just sept my last birthday he bought me one of the latest Toyota cars i am saying this in order to encourage u to prayerfuly ask God for his will for u maritaly if u are sure God still have a hand in it pls forgive him pray for him to get a job and go ahead with the wedding i understand how u feel but don't wory it will soon be well

Sissimi, I really wish that all things will work out for good for you as it did for soft girl for you truly deserve happiness after growing up without the love of both parents. May God's destiny and will in your life be done and may he give you the discernment you need here.

Chaircover had said it all. When a man losses his job, every other thing about him seem to crumble. The marriage can still work.

what a story!!!

There are many observations and lessons from your tale but one thing stands out, you made mention somewhere that you didn't intend breaking up with him on the trip to Uyo but the encounter with the Pastor changed your mind due to his ''supposed prophecy''. I will dwell in this as its apparent that the bulk of your decision emanated from the this misguided comment.

I dont intend to discredit the pastor but he has a lot weighing on his shoulders, he was in the know in your covert marriage certificate decision (that means he can sanction marriage scam, some Clergy have been taken in by the law in the UK for this), he helped unite you after the 1st infidelity saga from your hubby etc, and suddenly his crystal ball tells him otherwise about your union.

Lemmie tell you one thing i have known in my infinitesimal knowledge of Christianity, The Holy Spirit does not make mistakes and once a prophecy is made, 100 yrs after, it remains same. Your revered MOG is contradicting himself and its a sign of one operating and been controlled by familiar spirits (even though he has ''seemingly'' assisted in the past and the whole family revered him)

Many yrs back when i came to Lagos, the family i was putting up with then had a man i termed ''career pastor'' who was making all sorts of predictions, even on my head too, I never believed him and i turned out opposite of his predictions, the family is still in his grips and none of his predictions has manifested for them,i digress.

Its good to seek spiritual guidance but your happiness depends on your decisions, even your family, no matter how conservative they seem to be, this is a life you have to live.

-What is bogging your mind is insecurity due to joblessness and he will get over it once he is settled, a lady can hold her own jobless but it tears a man. If its a HND he has, then that explains the long search, but he will surely tide over.

-the violation, old cheating etc can be forgiven by you, the tone of his mails sounds a remorseful guy and he is still in love.

-imagine what you guys have done to get by in the past, assisting one to get in school, getting 1st apartment and furnishing it together, stealing food stuffs for his sake, you said you had bought wedding stuffs in d past right?, writing aptitude tests together, omg and all this to be thrown away, i beg to disagree abeg.

I am seeing your break up from the angle of the ''no brainer prophecy'' and since your family believes in this pastor, the hurdle is till long, i jump and pass

what a heartfelt story!!!!!!!!! very touching, empathetic and confusing but yet very simple in a holistic way!!!!!!!!!!
i took my time in reading this emotional story that has prompted me to contribute my own opinion to salvage the wrecking ship that was painstakingly built over a decade i cannot only read but lay my hands on my keyboard. My contribution goes thus:
if not for the job that was lost u wud av tied the knot wit this guy!!!!!! wud u av opted out of a marital life because ur hubby lost his job? PRETTY NO!!
the so called pastor was aware wen u were trying to forge a marriage certificate in the name of getting posted to abuja he never warned u against such from both moral and religious perspective even the implications of such.now he asked u to say ur mind about the relationship after saying it he then said there was a revelation that one of u wud die prematurely he is only working on ur psyche and emotion beleive me you!!!!!
@the so called HONOURABLE! from my little knowledge and exposure he might not ask for u now but he might av an ulterior motive. knowing fully well aw promiscous they are. aw do u pay him bak wen he asks?(however i salute ur courage on holding to this guy alone sexually keep it up! be faithful)why do u av to hide ur fiancee from the Hon some thing is fishy as u are no longer a kid feel free to introduce him to the Hon may be perhaps he may use his political influence to secure him a job.it is obvious that ur fear in this r/ship is his joblesness.He is no longer himsef because he is not in total control of the relatinship which is quite understandable that makes him over react pls reflect on the time u av both spent in building this r/ship neva let it break it all lies in YOU not the so called pastor nor family members nor HON.ITS IN YOU!!!!
Its just a matter of time to get a job and be in full control of the r/ship.he has felt remorseful pleading admitted his wrong doings u can as well overlook it and forgive him so u can forge ahead in life
Go bak to him tell him aw faithful u av been despite his assumptions and beliefs he wiil be glad to hear it and receive u with warm heart wishing u all the best in ur future endeavours may God guide u right in ur decisions.(i dont know this guy in question am only yarning m y heartfelt mind igbeyawo yin ko ni baje!!!!!!!)

Ronaldo

,,

^^^^
God will continue to bless you with more wisdom madam. You couldn't have put it any better.

@Chaircover
I appreciate your responses from the start. You know, when the forces pulling on you are so diverse and entrenched, one has to be absolutely careful. For me, I would have made up with my fiance long before now. You should please understand the dilenma, coz I cannot do anything without my family. I've already hurt them BIG TIME. If I knew, I wouldn't have embarked on that Uyo trip. What I had in mind when I was going, didn't exactly materialize rather, the reverse was the case. To be honest, I was on that mission to end the unnecessary friction between us so that we can chat the best way forward,. Unforyunately, things degenarated and we now have a behemoth of spiralling and hydra-headed problems everywhere. Things need to cool down. Maybe, I shouldn't discuss this matter further on the forum. At the end of the day, I want other ladies out there to learn from my head. It would be the very last time I look up to someone outside myself and hubby to solve our problems for us. The lesson has been learnt. God bless all of you.

^^^ and the forum is the only place I stay, to keep sane and fight the depression and pain this has caused me. I'm so sorry to everybody who might find my responses in bad taste.

,,

Chaircover!
may u increase in wisdom

NL hasn't changed much. Everything na long and complicated

Poster i have never gone through a tread on NL like your own if you don't feLe your bf no wahala. I was in love with a girl years ago she did exactly what u are doing now i was all over her but she said i am not the one she stopped picking my calls and call me when she is coming from Abuja to pick her up and use me as her driver this happened both in London and lagos at that time i did not see the mumu in me guys if u are in love u do stupid things. Guess what today she calls me i do not pick her call wanted to add me on facebook i no gree why because i know such women no get concise .The last time she texted me she was asking for forgiveness she ended up with one big man for Abuja but now she wants to talk to me if she is happy she nogo call me. I wish ur guy can read this you out of his life will be the best thing that can ever happen to him because the feeling you dont have now will only come back until you try someone else then you will see the difference by the time you want to come back your bf would have gone. I like his courage when he said he wont call you again TO ME THAT MEANS HE HIS GETTING OVER YOU.GOD BLESS HIM.