IceColdVeins:
MODIFIED
Dont be quick to judge.
I am the only one at loggerheads with my dad, my other siblings are not. And I never demonised my mom, I love her and I have showered my care on her. I'm just trying to make peace within myself and make the family balanced. MY mom and dad are still together and happier than before. But the wounds dont ever heal.
Not that bro. I will always be on the side of every loyal woman and will treat them with love as well.
But I have now come to terms with the fact that no one is perfect, especially when it comes to marriage. During my childhood, I never saw things from the perspective OF my dad, we only kept on listening to mom's wailings(she suffered truthfully) but we never get to hear his own side of the story cos
a man never shows emotions. My reconcilation with dad is not a pat on his head for his wrongdoings but a move to make peace within myself.
You'll understand when you have a disagreement with your wife and your own children start taking sides.
I'm just trying to retrace my steps and lay a good foundation for my unborn children.

BRATISLAVA: :
When will he apologize to your mum? Or have you forgotten that part? You've forgotten why you didn't care about him? Another bro code moment. Maybe you've found yourself maltreating women, too, so now it's okay.

There is a conventional wisdom that in couple's fight, children will only understand the dimensions later in life. @Bratislava, I assume you're yet to reach that level of maturity. Let's put all assumptions of yours (not the IceColdVeins') into it, what had "playing the victim" achieved over the years? IceColdVeins' message is about reconciliation and peace. It's what we all need to find. The world will be a better place if we learn to "loose" on our egos and self-centeredness and "win" together.

A friend once advanced a position when we were growing up, that if parents fight, children should not take sides but rather seek to reconcile or get the best of amicable settlement out of the situation. The danger of taking sides could be that one parent is playing you against the other. Let me share a little story. An old senior colleague vowed that his sons will never have any contact with his wife. His wife had organized with some police women to arrest him and they paid thugs in cell who beat him to pulp in retaliation for his beating of his wife in a fight. Meanwhile, in my humble opinion, the wife is a kolo woman and I wondered how he encountered that accident of a woman. In connivance with these police women, they dealt with the man, it took the intervention of another colleague who's uncle is an assistant police commissioner to secure his release over a weekend. This man checked himself into an hospital as soon as he got out and was there for about a day.

He vowed that he was going to severe relationship with the woman, and the woman woll have nothing to do with the children. He even went as far as sending these boys to the US. Guess what? these boys still covertly gets to talk to their mum. The mother got through to a neighbour and the boys took calls in the neighbours house on the pretense they are going to play in the neighbour's house. This happend for a 7year period and the father does not know till date. The 2 boys are in the Uni in US. I would imagine they still communicate with their mother, much more send her stuffs. These boys are far gone in their studies and I doubt their father can do anything about it if he ever finds out.

obamartins:
@op don't allow anyone discourage you from reconciling with ur dad and getting him a gift. I had a very terrible experience with my dad that made me drop out of medical school at 300level, my brother got locked up in the cell bcus I reacted by seizing my dad's credentials as a way of protesting his neglect. He tot I conspired with my brother to seize his documents. Cut the long story short, the DPO mediated and asked us to go home and resolve the issue since it's a family issue. My dad threatened to shoot both of us if we step foot in his house (he has a gun). So we both went our different ways. I vowed never to have anything to do with him and for seven years we were not on talking terms. I started hustling and went back to school, did part time and graduated. Yes, I graduated with a 2:1, but those seven years were hell, nothing I did seems to work. Even after leaving school I was stagnant until someone told me to reconcile with my dad if I want doors to open.

Hell No! There is no way I will reconcile with that heartless man. I had all justifiable reasons not to reconcile with him. After a couple of months, I gave it a tot and called him. We reconciled and since then I have never known a better yesterday. Doors began to open. Today, I was able to reconcile him and my elder brother and also placed him on monthly allowance. There is a spiritual implication when you have issues with your parent. I witnessed it and I had no option than to bury the past. The truth is that they will never apologize to you no matter what, just eat the humble pie and make amends. Then things will start working again. We need their blessings b4 the leave earth.

So orphans that lost their parents suddenly are hopeless for not getting blessings? a child molested by her dad too must still seek his blessing before he dies?

luminouz:


I'm not saying all these because I'm a man and check crackhaus post and one Mia dude like that. They gave insights to what may have happened. You blame the dad like OP did but once he put himself in his dad's shoes, he understood that while the dad had issues, he wasn't all bad like the mum painted him. He most likely rejected his dad based on the mum's stories without trying to ask his dad his own side of the story. He realised his mistake now he is grown and reached out.

Ryan03' s story is very different from OP's and I blamed his dad on most fronts. he left them when young and died before he could make amends.

You still dont get my points sha. I feel so much animosity from your post and I can't just relate. I have lost the ability to be that emotional.

Use your third eye and things becomes much clearer.
One love

animosity? Not at all. I just needed to bring out the other side strongly because people never want to face it. We keep talking about getting into his shoes and seeing his side, but nothing justifies negligence of ones children. Nothing at all. He can give any excuse now to counter what he knows could be the truth that the mother told icecoldveins and the OP would believe him because he's looking for the man's favor. Things happen. Men lie, too. He could be lying about his side. But his actions will have spoken louder than his words. If you check my post this is why I said it is foolishness to take it out on your spouse because it's your children that would be hurt.

And please, your post on the supernatural is...

BRATISLAVA:
what kind of treat?

Please mention what would sooth your grievance.

Omakraid:

Seems like both parents are cool together while he is the one at loggerheads heads with the dad cos of things he has heard from the mum.. The post is a lil bit misleading

Not entirely clear on whether he just heard it from his mum or witnessed it himself, that one aside, he also mentioned experiencing negligence

Ladycewhy:
that is the part i am yet to get,like how do you apologize for being abandoned ,lol .

IceColdVeins can you tell us why you are apologizing? Maybe if we know the reason you are sorry for hurting your dad we too can learn

Exactly, yeah maybe there are points we’re missing

KanuSE:


Please mention what would sooth your grievance.

You ruined that by lying that I'm a bad loser. You can give yourself your treat.

I'm not aggrieved.

Romanoff:
Some parents will provoke their kids and will still expect an apology from them.

Meanwhile, your dad types like a teenager. Lol. See abbreviations.

He said he builds houses and buys cars.

Those things dont need queens English

The initial post was misleading, its very good that the op reconciled with his father, forgiveness is key, we should always try, let's shelve the man vs woman narrative...

ibkayee:

Exactly, yeah maybe there are points we’re missing

i hate half stories. There is more he is not saying making readers form their opinion.

But i am very interested in why he felt the need to apologize if he already labelled his dad a dead beat.

BRATISLAVA:


you need your advice more.

You're yet to point out where I demonstrated support for bad behaviour in men.

I bet you're still looking it...

Boss I need to talk to you sir, regarding dairy milk in Kenya

Pavore9:
No matter how "provoking" a man feels the mother of his child(ren) is, there is no excuse for paternal negligence. Always find a way to provide and be there for them.

I recall a classmate back in secondary school, she swore she and her younger sister would not marry a Nigerian so that their father who neglected them to go live a carefree life will not get even a kolanut in the name of tradition when getting married. She kept to her word and now married to a Dutch and with kids, she came down and got wedded at the Ikoyi Marriage Registry and returned to Europe while her father's side of the family have been pressuring her to come "home" to formalize the marriage.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord"... Ephesians 6:4

Personally, I feel a parent who neglected his/her child has no blessings to give.

What a read! Some stories here were so touching, I almost shed a tear. Let me take a minute to appreciate any mother out there doing it all by herself. You're indeed a mother. And to those that died before reaping the fruit of their womb, your reward is in heaven.

I think the Nigeria's government has to implement laws that makes Nigerian men(fathers) responsible to their kids. These men understand that the second they abscond, the women won't abandon their kids so they do that without looking back. Even if you want to abscond 'cause the woman in your life is a problem, be responsible to your children. Is that too much to ask? Some of those who've shared experiences are broken beyond redemption. Some are saying they've forgiven, but will the scars leave?

In saner climes, you'll think twice before bringing another into this world 'cause even when you don't want to have anything to do with the child and mother, the government will make you responsible to that child. Our government needs to wake up.

I really commend your efforts to reconcile with your dad, it takes great courage and serious ego-breaking to that. Don't listen to anything anyone would say on this platform, cos I'm sure you are an adult and have taken time to put many things into consideration having thought this through. This is a bold step, I just hope that your mum would also benefit from this reconciliation and hope your dad does not relapse again, cos it would become another cycle or even worse when you interfere in their matters again. Just know this means you cannot meddle in the affairs of ur family hence forth as you've sold the rights to do so, unless you want to keep sucking up to him.

Me myself I'm a victim of this paternal negligence.
Since 2018 marchl haven't been able to talk to my dad simply because I tried to make peace between him and my mum when they had their usual rift. I tried so hard no to pick sides, I tried so hard not to be rude, I tried so hard not to challenge my dad,, but yet we have become strangers only because I said ""daddy please it hasn't gotten to the level of using curse words".
Because I want peace I've tried severally to apologise and reconcile with him but to no avail. I call, he doesn't take my calls, I text but still no positive response. Even when I got paid my first salary during my housemanship I went with his favourite wine, and again before my service, I went with another wine and he kicked me out, the second time leaving me in front of his officce and driving off at night. Few days back I turned 26 and messaged him, but still no response. I know some people would say certain nasty things, I just need sensible advice regarding this matter because I don't know what to do again. And I want peace and also don't want to sell my rights to resolving family conflicts as I'm the first child and son.

The comments from ladies here at times baffles me. Someone stated his points, it's his family so he knows where the right and wrong party is. U can't just judge if u are an outsider. I even saw someone stating Tonto's family as an example. Do u think the boy won't find out the truth, u think he won't know she pushed his father out of his life?


Most times when parent matters are being discussed on this forum, we hear most guys and ladies pick up sides with their mum, what's different about this? Not everything revolves around women all the time. As there are bad dads so do we have bad moms.

TheArchangel:

This guy was single handedly raised by his mother while his father was wallowing in wealth. Now he is demonising his mother for the neglect he suffered from his father. I don't get it.

Most Nigerian women will most certainly prefer to cry in Benz than to wallow in poverty but your mother choose the safe option for her sanity and kid's sake. If you want to make peace with your father, kindly go ahead but do not belittle the sufferings of your mother to appease your conscience.


Imagine after the marital abandonment, I risked being demonised by the kids I suffered for

I hate abortion but this thread is making me to lean towards pro-choice.
Ladies beware . If you have had the babies already, start keeping tabs, school fees receipts, messages sent to him for assistances, your child's memorable moments on videos, the time he was contacted for his helps and the excuses he gave. Whether justifiable or not, put it down somewhere.
Keep a ledger of the financial helps you received from him.
Let your evidence fight for you before they use your sufferings to demonize you.

Chai! See how you added "spice" and ended up saying what he never said nor alluded to.....

BRATISLAVA:

You ruined that by lying that I'm a bad loser. You can give yourself your treat.

I'm not aggrieved.

Calm down madam, no be fight na...so you can't even handle banter.

BRATISLAVA:
animosity? Not at all. I just needed to bring out the other side strongly because people never want to face it. We keep talking about getting into his shoes and seeing his side, but nothing justifies negligence of ones children. Nothing at all. He can give any excuse now to counter what he knows could be the truth that the mother told icecoldviens and the OP would believe him because he's looking for the man's favor. Things happen. Men lie, too. He could be lying about his side. But his actions will have spoken louder than his words. If you check my post this is why I said it is foolishness to take it out on your spouse because it's your children that would be hurt.

And please, your post on the supernatural is...

Alright...
One love bro/sis

Angelfrost:


What the young man did was good, even noble... I have even walked down that path myself.

My issue here remains: poor orientation and belief system that fosters this trend among fathers and would-be fathers.

Please, read responses properly and comprehensively before going on the "attack

Attack kwa

Ladycewhy:
that is the part i am yet to get,like how do you apologize for being abandoned ,lol .

IceColdVeins can you tell us why you are apologizing? Maybe if we know the reason you are sorry for hurting your dad we too can learn

The pussy-ass coward wants to be included in his rich "father's" will. Nothing else.

He'd have long forgotten he had a father if the man had lost all his wealth and ended up as a bus driver.

Indeed, money rules the world.

Ladycewhy:
i hate half stories. There is more he is not saying making readers form their opinion.

But i am very interested in why he felt the need to apologize if he already labelled his dad a dead beat.

To keep such hostility and go without talking for 6 years, only to suddenly be convinced of a reconciliation by that small, two sentence quote on Nairaland is kind of weird lol. I am also interested in the full story

Ladycewhy:
and you feel those face off were out of place? All this your half stories is annoying, if you are going to say it say it all. You had a face off over what? And why?

.. So you will want him to keep crucifying his dad before you believe his story abi?.I don't always understand why almost every thread here becomes a sort of competition between the both genders.Cant we just be happy for him atleast? Op good you reconciled with your dad.Happiness and joy is priceless.

PataAlhaja:


The Pussy-ass coward wants to be included in his rich "father's" will. Nothing else.

He'd have long forgotten he had a father if the man had lost all his wealth and ended up as bus driver.

Indeed, money rules the world.

he is dodging that part. I am still trying to figure out how you will be the one to apologize to a dead beat father ,lol very funny op.

prizlezzlalasky:


Every one is entitled to their opinion,

That being said, we can't judge the father cause we ve not heard his side of the story......... Marriage is a misterious institution hence we should just concern ourselves with how the offsprings from the union will experience the love of a father and also unite their parents again.

But some people have started constructing the father's story na!

TheArchangel: :

This guy was single handedly raised by his mother while his father was wallowing in wealth. ....

greatme2good:
Op If your father was wretched and poor, would you have run back to him like a lost puppy?

Zukky123:
I really commend your efforts to reconcile with your dad, it takes great courage and serious ego-breaking to that. Don't listen to anything anyone would say on this platform, cos I'm sure you are an adult and have taken time to put many things into consideration having thought this through. This is a bold step, I just hope that your mum would also benefit from this reconciliation and hope your dad does not relapse again, cos it would become another cycle or even worse when you interfere in their matters again. Just know this means you cannot meddle in the affairs of ur family hence forth as you've sold the rights to do so, unless you want to keep sucking up to him.

Me myself I'm a victim of this paternal negligence.
Since 2018 marchl haven't been able to talk to my dad simply because I tried to make peace between him and my mum when they had their usual rift. I tried so hard no to pick sides, I tried so hard not to be rude, I tried so hard not to challenge my dad,, but yet we have become strangers only because I said ""daddy please it hasn't gotten to the level of using curse words".
Because I want peace I've tried severally to apologise and reconcile with him but to no avail. I call, he doesn't take my calls, I text but still no positive response. Even when I got paid my first salary during my housemanship I went with his favourite wine, and again before my service, I went with another wine and he kicked me out, the second time leaving me in front of his officce and driving off at night. Few days back I turned 26 and messaged him, but still no response. I know some people would say certain nasty things, I just need sensible advice regarding this matter because I don't know what to do again. And I want peace and also don't want to sell my rights to resolving family conflicts as I'm the first child and son.

Leave him be.
Grow some balls while at it. You sound desperate for his affection. You are likely very kind and soft at heart. At 26, you are a man now. Just let him be.
He clearly still hurts from your so-called maternal support. You are likely his favourite and he felt let down by your words. He will come around.


If he doesn't, you are a man at 26, your conscience is clear too, so live your best life.

ibkayee:

Not entirely clear on whether he just heard it from his mum or witnessed it himself, that one aside, he also mentioned experiencing negligence

Yes, tho he stated that due to what he perceived his mum is going through... Also they could be under the same roof and the father would decide to overlook him cos of his strong will against him(dad). The parents are fine but the impression I his head stuck on for quite a while and would definitely make it difficult to relate even if under same roof. It would also make him feel he needs dad less...
I pray God helps him to settle all

Nigga use your head.
I didnt run to him when I was suffering, why would your infitessimally loaded head think I need his money now that I am financially dependent?
Once again, use your head

PataAlhaja:


The pussy-ass coward wants to be included in his rich "father's" will. Nothing else.

He'd have long forgotten he had a father if the man had lost all his wealth and ended up as a bus driver.

Indeed, money rules the world.

JONNYSPUTE:
.. So you will want him to keep crucifying his dad before you believe his story abi?.I don't always understand why almost every thread here becomes a sort of competition between the both genders.Cant we just be happy for him atleast? Op good you reconciled with your dad.Happiness and joy is priceless.

Ofcourse i am happy for him, but then the Op is apologizing to his dead beat dad ,that is very remarkable so i am curious as to what prompted it.This is not a matter of crusifying his dad,i want to know why he feels he is the one that hurt his dad and needed to apologize, Just like that guy that hugged the police officer that shot his brother in his apartment, i am very much interested in human behavior ,this is something worth studying.


Isnt there another way he could have reconciled without making it look like he was giving his father a pat on the back? If i wrong someone and they are the ones to come and apologize,i will never think what i did was wrong and won't even see the need not to do it again. From where it stands it seems the op is the one pushing for a reconcilaiton cos his dad doesn't give a fvck and still doesn't give a fvck about the op .

Omakraid:

Yes, tho he stated that due to what he perceived his mum is going through... Also they could be under the same roof and the father would decide to overlook him cos of his strong will against him(dad). The parents are fine but the impression I his head stuck on for quite a while and would definitely make it difficult to relate even if under same roof. It would also make him feel he needs dad less...
I pray God helps him to settle all

It’s normal for a child to want to protect their parent, in fact I’d say it’s instinctive. I didn’t see anything in the OP indicating that the parents are fine o, I also saw that the mother singlehandedly supported him financially despite his father’s alleged wealth

ibkayee:

To keep such hostility and go without talking for 6 years, only to suddenly be convinced of a reconciliation by that small, two sentence quote on Nairaland is kind of weird lol. I am also interested in the full story

why should i stop offending people if they will be the ones to always apologize?This is a very interesting story.

luminouz:


I feel your points.
The scenario you described happens more than often. I had to be very logical too while young or I would have resented my dad. I opened my eyes,saw things from his perspectives and knew that man would sell his soul to make his children prosper. He proved it to us all. Financial downturns sometimes make women very unruly at home and I understood that too. They are still together and waxing strong and I have learnt a valuable lesson.

Leave Bratislava alone. Dude or chick is running on emotional fumes and I totally get that.

Unfortunately this is what children of nowadays are yet to learn. Parents love each other both in strength and weaknesses. My fear for my own aged parents (Dad 84, Mum 79) with the way they "carry-each-other" even at old age is that if either one "caputs" today, expect the other to follow the next..

PataAlhaja:


The pussy-ass coward wants to be included in his rich "father's" will. Nothing else.

He'd have long forgotten he had a father if the man had lost all his wealth and ended up as a bus driver.

Indeed, money rules the world.

Exactly!! They just do not want to loose out on the potential windfall from the death of their father and they are here preaching about forgiveness.. the fact that someone is your parent or your sibling doesn’t give them permission to be toxic..

Become successful and see if your father will not reconsider!