I have been for 5 years now but there has been no lasting happiness here. Smile for 2 weeks fight for month.
You see I have a manipulative husband he can do no wrong in his own eyes, I have to be at fault for everything. He has painted it to everybody that I am always the problem.
In the beginning of the marriage I took a lot of bullshit from him and his family all in the name of I want to please my husband but it has never been enough.
We had an issue some days back and boom he has called my family members to report me it's what he loves to do. I was shocked because this is an issue we could have sat down to iron out.
Here are the problems
He is old fashioned he believes he can insult u but you shouldn't do the same
He doesn't help with the major chores in the house only the few ones that are simple and this is only done at his convenience, if I decide to talk about this na fight!
When he borrows money from someone and I tell him to return it gradually he doesn't listen more like he is not a good in saving
He likes to keep malice and rejects food once we have issues
He is always his phone doing what I dont understand (I dont think he is cheating)
He never owns up to his mistakes he wants me to always beg
He doesn't make any effort in sorting issues amicably it has to always be me
I am always the chatter box
He doesn't go out of his way for me
If you mistakenly tell him to say what I did wrong during a quarrel jeez he paints me awfully black to everyone
So many things I cant write here
I am tired to be honest I am a good wife I support him virtually in any way I can. I have my own issues afterall no one is perfect but I sincerely watch it because I hate drama

Now I have grown a thick skin to him, I dont even love or feel loved by him anymore.
I want things to change and work out but i am tired of being the first person always he takes advantage of that all the time and never changes
Chores are crazy we have 2 kids. I virtually do everything by myself
I just want to be heard and have a good marriage but its exhausting making all the efforts all the time. I just want him to make the move genuinely so we can be on the same page.

What can I do?
Pls note I have sat him down countless times no changes.

I just want a better marriage first before thinking of divorce.

Wow...so much to deal with in this family section

You may have seen these signs before marriage but chose to ignore, he may have been groomed that way, in a culture or environment where they were made to believe that women have little or no say in marriages; such indoctrinations are really hard to change most especially when such person is uneducated.

What about his parents, or maybe a respected family member of his, reach out to them maybe they can help out.

The signs were not there actually. I think he only shielded this kind of behaviours away from me. Talking about being educated he is very well educated and exposed. I think he just thought I will be under his wraps forever and not grow into the woman I have become right now.
He is 5 years older than I am and to him he feels like he know everything better than i do.
His mom is the only I can talk to I d rather not do that she supports him totally with whatever he does and for my own parents everything has become clearer now everybody is just tired.
My mom said she doesn't understand why he came to report me to her over such a small issue.
Everybody is just fed up.

Freeda08:
I have been for 5 years now but there has been no lasting happiness here. Smile for 2 weeks fight for month.
You see I have a manipulative husband he can do no wrong in his own eyes, I have to be at fault for everything. He has painted it to everybody that I am always the problem.
In the beginning of the marriage I took a lot of bullshit from him and his family all in the name of I want to please my husband but it has never been enough. you created a monster, now live with your demonic creation
We had an issue some days back and boom he has called my family members to report me it's what he loves to do. I was shocked because this is an issue we could have sat down to iron out. thats what the man loves to do, why do you think he would change?!
Here are the problems
He is old fashioned he believes he can insult u but you shouldn't do the same why should you even accept to be insulted?!
He doesn't help with the major chores in the house only the few ones that are simple and this is only done at his convenience, if I decide to talk about this na fight! African man doing chores....? forget it!
When he borrows money from someone and I tell him to return it gradually he doesn't listen more like he is not a good in saving
He likes to keep malice and rejects food once we have issues
He is always his phone doing what I dont understand (I dont think he is cheating)
He never owns up to his mistakes he wants me to always beg thats the man you agreed to marry, why complain now?
He doesn't make any effort in sorting issues amicably it has to always be me thats the man you agreed to marry, why complain now?
I am always the chatter box thats the man you agreed to marry, why complain now?
He doesn't go out of his way for me thats the man you agreed to marry, why complain now?
If you mistakenly tell him to say what I did wrong during a quarrel jeez he paints me awfully black to everyone yet you agreed to marry such man?!
So many things I cant write here
I am tired to be honest I am a good wife I support him virtually in any way I can. I have my own issues afterall no one is perfect but I sincerely watch it because I hate drama if you do indeed support him then why dont you accept the above as HIM being him

Now I have grown a thick skin to him, I dont even love or feel loved by him anymore. a bit late dont you think?
I want things to change and work out but i am tired of being the first person always he takes advantage of that all the time and never changes its much too late for changes...this is something you should have thought about BEFORE marriage
Chores are crazy we have 2 kids. I virtually do everything by myself
I just want to be heard and have a good marriage but its exhausting making all the efforts all the time. I just want him to make the move genuinely so we can be on the same page. you cant have your cake and eat it too...we heard you and your situation aint ideal, but trying to change this man is a waste of time.. you CANT do it

What can I do?
Pls note I have sat him down countless times no changes.

I just want a better marriage first before thinking of divorce. the foundation of that marriage are wrong, you cant change it now. you have the exact marriage that you created

FIXED

if the above is what he has been doing all along, and you were "ok with it" in order to keep the peace, then i suggest you A) continue keeping the peace and B) accept that this is the man you have and NOTHING you do (apart from divorce) will change that.
all the above you wrote are partly your fault. you did exactly what many are doing in their desperate state to marry: they accept any rubbish thinking that they could change that said man later.

Someone has an agenda with these plenty marriage wahala threads on Nairaland.

Be leary of them, everyone.

.

I would like to hear his own side of the story.

However, I want you to know that your husband is not the worst I have seen.

I think work/ chores stress is telling out on both of you. It's like that for most people. Just breathe.

All will be well. Keep doing good. Don't let circumstances make you a bad woman.

God bless your family.

maybe you should talk to someone he respect and listen to. you should also pray about it.

You need alot of patience my dear.

Keep taking his bullshits!
You showed yourself a doormat and sponge that soaks everything in forgetting that your eatly yrs in marriage is used to lay the kind of foundation you want!

I didnt say you should disrespect him but take firm decisions .
Some men hate ladies who behave like doormats,saying yes to everything.

Thank you for your contributions. If you know me you would know that I am a peaceful person. When u get married the first few years are not usually rosy it's still the getting to know process. Like I said the signs were not there when we were dating it's a different ball game
and I wasnt even desperate to get married.
My parents are to be partly blamed for all this because when he comes to them they accept to listen and end up blaming me all in the name of I want your home to be peaceful.
If I refuse and stand my ground it will be war I eventually succumb but I can say I wasnt this matured then it's different now. Forever is a long way to go
I dont believe it's too late to make some changes i only need tips on how to go about it. I am not looking for a flawless man but someone who can be on the same page with me.

Marriage is a beautiful thing I just want mine to get better, I want to know I tried before I quit. I am not a person to want to suffer and die all to be called a MRS.

African men DO CHORES! I have brothers who are doing it happily in their marriage.

If you have any nice tips on how I can solve all of this I will appreciate it, it's too late to start crying now I just want a solution.

Thank you.

This pretty much sums up all the marital issues threads.

MrBrownJay1:


FIXED

if the above is what he has been doing all along, and you were "ok with it" in order to keep the peace, then i suggest you A) continue keeping the peace and B) accept that this is the man you have and NOTHING you do (apart from divorce) will change that.
all the above you wrote are partly your fault. you did exactly what many are doing in their desperate state to marry: they accept any rubbish thinking that they could change that said man later.

Freeda08:
I have been for 5 years now but there has been no lasting happiness here. Smile for 2 weeks fight for month.
You see I have a manipulative husband he can do no wrong in his own eyes, I have to be at fault for everything. He has painted it to everybody that I am always the problem.
In the beginning of the marriage I took a lot of bullshit from him and his family all in the name of I want to please my husband but it has never been enough.
We had an issue some days back and boom he has called my family members to report me it's what he loves to do. I was shocked because this is an issue we could have sat down to iron out.
Here are the problems
He is old fashioned he believes he can insult u but you shouldn't do the same
He doesn't help with the major chores in the house only the few ones that are simple and this is only done at his convenience, if I decide to talk about this na fight!
When he borrows money from someone and I tell him to return it gradually he doesn't listen more like he is not a good in saving
He likes to keep malice and rejects food once we have issues
He is always his phone doing what I dont understand (I dont think he is cheating)
He never owns up to his mistakes he wants me to always beg
He doesn't make any effort in sorting issues amicably it has to always be me
I am always the chatter box
He doesn't go out of his way for me
If you mistakenly tell him to say what I did wrong during a quarrel jeez he paints me awfully black to everyone
So many things I cant write here
I am tired to be honest I am a good wife I support him virtually in any way I can. I have my own issues afterall no one is perfect but I sincerely watch it because I hate drama

Now I have grown a thick skin to him, I dont even love or feel loved by him anymore.
I want things to change and work out but i am tired of being the first person always he takes advantage of that all the time and never changes
Chores are crazy we have 2 kids. I virtually do everything by myself
I just want to be heard and have a good marriage but its exhausting making all the efforts all the time. I just want him to make the move genuinely so we can be on the same page.

What can I do?
Pls note I have sat him down countless times no changes.

I just want a better marriage first before thinking of divorce.

The bolded is the culprit. When you start taking rubbish from the start, it becomes a norm. We should never take or allow unacceptable behaviour all in a bid to make our spouses happy because it always backfires.

Now you even have to apologize for his own mistakes and be the one to resolve all issues. Some people will tell you that you should do things an accept rubbish as a wife to keep peace in the house. That is just another manipulative statement.

Freeda08:

He likes to keep malice and rejects food once we have issues

Sorry.. Just pray about it and inform his mum too

Eat your food, I don't think he's hungry. If he's hungry let him enter the kitchen

Freeda08:
I have been for 5 years now but there has been no lasting happiness here. Smile for 2 weeks fight for month.
You see I have a manipulative husband he can do no wrong in his own eyes, I have to be at fault for everything. He has painted it to everybody that I am always the problem.

Hold on...

In the beginning of the marriage I took a lot of bullshit from him and his family all in the name of I want to please my husband but it has never been enough.

You took it comfortably from the outset and clearly suggested you could live with the things you now see as 'bullsh*ts'. Why do you want a change now? Are you aware people almost don't change in marriage?

We had an issue some days back and boom he has called my family members to report me it's what he loves to do. I was shocked because this is an issue we could have sat down to iron out.

Perhaps this issue, based on the fact that he reported found you at fault? If yes, I doubt it would have been possible you settled it amicably save family members step in. He prolly reported because he felt you were at fault and weren't forthcoming. And since you are equal partners, he thought to engage his conflict resolution matrix.

Here are the problems
He is old fashioned he believes he can insult u but you shouldn't do the same

Why would you and your husband engage in trading insults? If he insults you first, why not try as much as possible to avoid the things that lead to name-calling? Why not walk away, ignore and shut him out when he insults and see what happens afterward. Haven't you realized that the need to 'give it to him hot' ends in chaos for you both?

He doesn't help with the major chores in the house only the few ones that are simple and this is only done at his convenience, if I decide to talk about this na fight!

Sadly, this is vague. What are the 'major chores'? What kind of work does he do? Is he at home full time? Are you rarely around? What was decided or agreed upon prior to marriage? 'Traditional men' don't hide their stance as they are highly opinionated and ooze ignorance. Did you not notice how he talked about chores in the home prior marriage?

When he borrows money from someone and I tell him to return it gradually he doesn't listen more like he is not a good in saving

I don't know how to save either. A lot of people don't know how to. Again, this should have been noticed from the beginning. Perhaps you noticed and felt he'll improve at some point. Perhaps you didn't. I strongly feel he is either stubborn or rebuff your counsels because of the way they are presented.

He likes to keep malice and rejects food once we have issues

This is a thing with men. Lock up and reject meals a while

He is always his phone doing what I dont understand (I dont think he is cheating)

Perhaps the phone is his companion when it should be you? I'm sure that won't be the case if you guys connect well and douse the unnecessary fight.

He never owns up to his mistakes he wants me to always beg

Well... Your man might be a baby. The question is do you when you make mistakes? He comes off as entitled and egoistic. It won't be easy but I feel you can teach him these things by leading the way. Before he calls your family, apologize for whatever it is you do. If he sees your pattern and how you quickly come around when you have done wrong, he might take a leaf or two from there.

He doesn't make any effort in sorting issues amicably it has to always be me

The above still applies here.

I am always the chatter box

One person has to be. It might have been him but it is you here. See it as a strength and see his taciturn nature as a one complimentary to yours.

He doesn't go out of his way for me

Sighs...

If you mistakenly tell him to say what I did wrong during a quarrel jeez he paints me awfully black to everyone

How do you guys find it convenient to involve people in your affairs? I think the issue here is of ego and nothing else. One person is always in a hurry to paint the other person as a demon while the other person remains unbothered because he or she is sure a spec can't be found on him or her.

I am tired to be honest I am a good wife I support him virtually in any way I can. I have my own issues afterall no one is perfect but I sincerely watch it because I hate drama

Perhaps, he might say otherwise given the opportunity and chance.

I want things to change and work out but i am tired of being the first person always he takes advantage of that all the time and never changes
Chores are crazy we have 2 kids. I virtually do everything by myself
I just want to be heard and have a good marriage but its exhausting making all the efforts all the time. I just want him to make the move genuinely so we can be on the same page.

I am sure he didn't start today. He has probably been like this over time. Don't just sit him down and talk. Let him see you are responding and adjusting to issues that would normally result in riots differently. You claim he is traditional which implies you know him to an extent. Traditional folks are highly opinionated which means you'd need to do lots and lots of listening and an infinite amount of patience to deal with him. You led him on because you saw the signs and maybe suddenly felt he could change all of a sudden. He won't.

Perhaps you start doing the opposite of what results in the bickerings and name-calling. If you feel the need to 'give him hot' by responding to his 'insults', restrain and walk away, if possible. If he rebuff your counsels, perhaps try to be subtle when doing so. He is a grown man who understands his wife tolerated him from the beginning. A sudden change won't work no matter what.

I don't believe people turn monsters overnight. The traits are always there like baby puzzles to be sighted easily.

Freeda08,it is almost impossible for a man with your husband's character to hide it while you were dating except it was a long distance relationship.
I partly blame you for accepting to marry him.You mean you didn't spend time in his house to see him do his own cleaning?You didn't visit his parent's house to have an idea how they were raised(with his siblings)?You didn't study his parents?
When you have conversations,you didn't notice his pride?

I'm afraid you have to cope with your husband except you want to leave the marriage.He really won't change.

thorpido:
Freeda08,it is almost impossible for a man with your husband's character to hide it while you were dating except it was a long distance relationship.
I partly blame you for accepting to marry him.You mean you didn't spend time in his house to see him do his own cleaning?You didn't visit his parent's house to have an idea how they were raised(with his siblings)?You didn't study his parents?
When you have conversations,you didn't notice his pride?

I'm afaid you have to cope with your husband except you want to leave the marriage.He really won't change.

I concur on the assessment part. My advice is for single people. Any single lady or man planning to get married should do a proper assessment. That is the place of courtship. Don't let love blind you to the important things. You also need to know yourself and the values you hold dear before engaging a partner. That way you know what you are looking for.

Uhmmm, what is happening? Seems we need nairaland Family revival.

absolutefrag:


I concur on the assessment part. My advice is for single people. Any single lady or man planning to get married should do a proper assessment. That is the place of courtship. Don't let love blind you to the important things. You also need to know yourself and the values you hold dear before engaging a partner. That way you know what you are looking for.

This has always been my motto. I won't tolerate shii just because I wanna be Mrs.

Stop marrying because you are getting old. The major cause of dysfunctional marriages is desperation. When you marry out of desperation you end up lamenting like the OP. All the signs are there but they really don't care, they believe they will change their spouse after marriage or they might see these flaws as not such a big deal.
People mainly get what they deserve, that's a lesson I learned early in life. When you have no clear vision of what you want your marital life to be, you marry anyone that comes your way. Sorry OP, you either divorce or live with it. People hardly change.

Freeda08:
I have been for 5 years now but there has been no lasting happiness here. Smile for 2 weeks fight for month.

I empathise with you.

You see I have a manipulative husband he can do no wrong in his own eyes, I have to be at fault for everything. He has painted it to everybody that I am always the problem.
In the beginning of the marriage I took a lot of bullshit from him and his family all in the name of I want to please my husband but it has never been enough.

Your husband is yet to mature into a man for taking internal issues to public. I don't mean to insult him but I think he is highly unwise for doing that. Husbands are meant to be leaders and Kings at home, no King will report his queen to another king instead of try resolve it within the home.

We had an issue some days back and boom he has called my family members to report me it's what he loves to do. I was shocked because this is an issue we could have sat down to iron out.

Same same, he is yet to mature.

Here are the problems
He is old fashioned he believes he can insult u but you shouldn't do the same

You married a woman

He doesn't help with the major chores in the house only the few ones that are simple and this is only done at his convenience, if I decide to talk about this na fight!

I hope you don't expect him to be doing house chores? You have no right to complain here! However, you can always appeal to him to assist you so that the workload will be less for you. (Yimu feminists)

When he borrows money from someone and I tell him to return it gradually he doesn't listen more like he is not a good in saving

This is a serious problem that should have been addressed before marriage. Financial management is key for happy relationship

He likes to keep malice and rejects food once we have issues
He is always his phone doing what I dont understand (I dont think he is cheating)
He never owns up to his mistakes he wants me to always beg
He doesn't make any effort in sorting issues amicably it has to always be me
I am always the chatter box
He doesn't go out of his way for me
If you mistakenly tell him to say what I did wrong during a quarrel jeez he paints me awfully black to everyone
So many things I cant write here
I am tired to be honest I am a good wife I support him virtually in any way I can. I have my own issues afterall no one is perfect but I sincerely watch it because I hate drama

Honestly, I understand what you are passing through! Jesus!!!

Now I have grown a thick skin to him, I dont even love or feel loved by him anymore.
I want things to change and work out but i am tired of being the first person always he takes advantage of that all the time and never changes
Chores are crazy we have 2 kids. I virtually do everything by myself
I just want to be heard and have a good marriage but its exhausting making all the efforts all the time. I just want him to make the move genuinely so we can be on the same page.

What can I do?
Pls note I have sat him down countless times no changes.

I just want a better marriage first before thinking of divorce.

Divorce isn't the solution! How is your relationship with his family? Parents? If cordial, I think you should discuss with them and probably strategize with his FATHER or elder brother to force him to change.

What a family friend did was to move out of the house to her husband's parents house along with her children. Her husband's parents and siblings barred their son/brother from coming to the family house and temporarily ostracised him until the husband came to his senses. Then they gave him their condition and since then she has enjoyed her home.

This is why it is important for wives to have good relationship with in-laws

I love people's opinion about the lady being at fault but some men are just something else. I know someone who will rant that his mother inlaw is possessed and his wife should not visit her while he believes his mother is clean and could come stay with them. do you know this type of thing before marriage? no. my advice is that she needs to also make her stand but needs to be cautious cos such men could resort to violence but if she is willing to damn the consequences she can go all ahead. but the guy is egocentric and they take a lot of pride in showing their superiority over others to change such a person she will need to shut her eyes and ears totally to what 'PEOPLE' will say

czarina:
Someone has an agenda with these plenty marriage wahala threads on Nairaland.

Be leary of them, everyone.

Smart and apt, I'm even tired of commenting cos it's getting too much, it's like they are trying to campaign against getting married.

Idk how you can change him now with all the bad behaviors you mentioned up there and if he doesn't see that he's doing any wrong. You can't make a grown man change if he doesn't want to.

Fountainofyouth:



Smart and apt, I'm even tired of commenting cos it's getting too much, it's like they are trying to campaign against getting married.

I made mention of it sometime ago.

But truth is from these issues we learn to be better at our marriages.Myself i have learnt alot here.

Co-sign.

absolutefrag:


I concur on the assessment part. My advice is for single people. Any single lady or man planning to get married should do a proper assessment. That is the place of courtship. Don't let love blind you to the important things. You also need to know yourself and the values you hold dear before engaging a partner. That way you know what you are looking for.

OP please do not blame yourself for marrying him. If you didn’t live with him when you guys were dating then we’ve to take into account that dating and married life are two completely different things. Situations that present itself in a marriage rarely occurs while you’re dating for you to evaluate him.

Also, when dating you’ve lots of communication, long talks on the phone, on dates etc. everyone is on their best behavior. Most times you have to live with someone 24/7 for you to know them completely and even that might not be enough.

Unfortunately your OP describes the average Nigerian husband. Huge ego, emotionally stunted with zero conflict resolution skills. Conflicts are resolved via violence or silent treatment.

I have written a similar post here before.

He will NOT change, in fact he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, he provides, he doesn’t beat you and he doesn’t cheat, to him he’s the husband of the year. You have two options, leave or create your own happiness within your marriage, focus on your kids and career, have your own circle of friends, go out and live and never outsource your happiness to another human being.

You guys are scaring the bejesus out of single guys in here. What’s with marriage of these days? Too many marital woes, are we safe like this?

Two of you should stop telling your issues to anybody.... including your people and your people.

These people you tell don't care. The ones that suppose to care have their own issues.

Your hubby should know and act like the man of the house he is.

Love and show respect to yourself. He did not get to this level of disrespect by accident. You enabled it. It has become a habit for him. Refuse to reinforce this habit going forward. You should read more about behaviorism.