CHoccolaTE:



So she should still cook daily and wash for him and do other things a woman is supposed to do at home and also be providing money for him at the same time as Co breadwinner?

As for the rest of your post about beating women, I hope you give your daughters husband the same advice.

You are on point. Never hit a woman no matter what she does. If the relationship isn't really working even after several efforts to remedy it, the best I will do is put an end to it.

johnkey:
My uncle marraige is like this but more fierce because they go physical and destroy things, just yesterday phones got spoiled. I'm seriously contemplating on just having a baby mama next year, after breastfeeding my baby for 2 years I collect my child and give to my mom. Marraige is scary.

Collect your child from the mother and give to your mom As per the lady is a mad woman with no family of her own?

A home that ought to be the most secured, non judgmental and safe place for it's inhabitants is now a war zone.

juiicii:
The marriage is just one year and we 'hate each other', will it be possible for the old love we had before wedding to come back.pls if u know a similar case, share it here pls
Honestly i passively want the marriage to .....

Sorry it can't. You married her because you needed her finances! Don't tell me you didn't know she is the organised type. Unless you show her love which is absent in your marriage, she will never SUBMIT to your headship and guess what? That means you are on an endless voyage that would take you nowhere.

Mobree:


Are the insults really necessary?

I didn't lie tho ..

So you’re threatening divorce thinking she will beg you?
It’s obvious you’re problematic because you would have rushed to divorce her if she was the one threatening divorce.

Your choleric aka prideful personality can’t take it that she doesn’t want to be a doormat to you.
I’m happy she can afford her personal stuff And doesn’t have to come to you for that otherwise you would have turned her into a doormat.

If you’re interested in sharing bills with her, I hope you’re equally as interested in doing the other parts of the marriage work with her.

johnkey:
My uncle marraige is like this but more fierce because they go physical and destroy things, just yesterday phones got spoiled. I'm seriously contemplating on just having a baby mama next year, after breastfeeding my baby for 2 years I collect my child and give to my mom. Marraige is scary.

Collect your baby?

This is why many of you can’t have peace. Until you recognize the woman you’re in a relationship as someone who has equal stakes in the union as you do, and deserves the same respect as you, you can’t have peace. Unless your dealing with a zombie with no self esteem or mind of her own.

You will collect the child from the mom like you sent her to fetch a cup of water for you and you’re just back to collect it.

freecocoahubby:



I didn't lie tho ..

If truth is always this laced in insults, trust me, those meant to see it would see only the insults, then retaliate and the circle goes on and on lol. I'm sure that's what's happening between the males and females on NL rn .

All good though.

cococandy:


Collect your baby?

This is why many of you can’t have peace. Until you recognize the woman you’re in a relationship as someone who has equal stakes in the union as you do, and deserves the same respect as you, you can’t have peace. Unless your dealing with a zombie with no self esteem or mind of her own.

You will collect the child from the mom like you sent her to fetch a cup of water for you and you’re just back to collect it.

Mobree:

Honestly Some of the things I read here sometimes . Smh

If you have never been with a choleric, you won't understand o. Nothing anyone says here will change anything. Don't even waste your money on counseling. Cholerics vs. Choleric is a wrong match. You can never subdue a Choleric and one of the things you should never expect is submission. They may give you loyalty (those with high moral or spiritual standards) but they will never submit. To demand submission is to keep her in perpetual sadness and bitterness.

One of you must consciously make efforts to submit even in the slightest arguments. Cholerics are masters of argument and they love to win and have the last say whether they're right or not. By making a conscious effort, it simply means you must pretend all the time. Pretend she's winning even if the whole world knows she's wrong. That's how to make a choleric happy In public places, a choleric woman wouldn't hesitate to shut you down and ensure she dominates the conversation. It is that bad. It doesn't matter who's in the conversation, your father, your mother or anyone, they MUST take over. I don't envy you man!

cococandy:


Honestly Some of the things I read here sometimes . Smh

And sadly, some gullible people are lapping it all up and making it their daily mantras. In the end, their partners will open an anonymous NL account to seek counsel...

juiicii:
The marriage is just one year and we 'hate each other', will it be possible for the old love we had before wedding to come back.pls if u know a similar case, share it here pls
Honestly i passively want the marriage to .....

very possible... Many marriages experienced terrible misunderstandings with it's first three years but somehow some of them were able to overcome the initial scare... Unfortunately, this process must involve both parties to achieve that but it can take you to start the process... All the best...

Pavore9:

Meaning of what?

dats choleric

CHoccolaTE:



So she should still cook daily and wash for him and do other things a woman is supposed to do at home and also be providing money for him at the same time as Co breadwinner?

As for the rest of your post about beating women, I hope you give your daughters husband the same advice.

so becos a woman got a job she shld stop been a true wife and a real woman. how do some of u nairaland girls even think? u for say she shld remove her womb as she got a job now is she married to her job DAT dey can sack her anytime.its not a curse DAT why most of u end up as baby mama cos no man will take ur rubbish. ave seen rich women dat make millions in officr who still Cook and take care of thier hubby. na ur type u got a maid and begin to suffer someone child cos u cant take care of ur shit.
I will train my daughters to be well behave and submit to thier hubby at all times. if dey misbehave, thier hubby know wat to do.

jakandeola:
dats choleric

You read an explanation of what it is about or you can google search for more.

freecocoahubby:


You are just too dumb for my liking. How many nigerian wives actually do what you've just listed here? Are you based abroad? because you are clearly oblivious to the fact that wives in Nigeria have househelps to do all this. Which again makes most Nigerian women a useless commodity to their husbands.

Yes, every single married woman in Nigeria has house help assisting her and they are useless commodity to their husbands.

uboma:



You are on point. Never hit a woman no matter what she does. If the relationship isn't really working even after several efforts to remedy it, the best I will do is put an end to it.

Words of a sensible man.

Acidosis:
If you have never been with a choleric, you won't understand o. Nothing anyone says here will change anything. Don't even waste your money on counseling. Cholerics vs. Choleric is a wrong match. You can never subdue a Choleric and one of the things you should never expect is submission. They may give you loyalty (those with high moral or spiritual standards) but they will never submit. To demand submission is to keep her in perpetual sadness and bitterness.

One of you must consciously make efforts to submit even in the slightest arguments. Cholerics are masters of argument and they love to win and have the last say whether they're right or not. By making a conscious effort, it simply means you must pretend all the time. Pretend she's winning even if the whole world knows she's wrong. That's how to make a choleric happy In public places, a choleric woman wouldn't hesitate to shut you down and ensure she dominates the conversation. It is that bad. It doesn't matter who's in the conversation, your father, your mother or anyone, they MUST take over. I don't envy you man!

The husband is also Chloeric so they are beds of a feather.

juiicii:
The marriage is just one year and we 'hate each other', will it be possible for the old love we had before wedding to come back.pls if u know a similar case, share it here pls
Honestly i passively want the marriage to .....

You claim to love yourselves before getting married which means there is hope.

Hope the love is not going to cinema, bar beach and sex sha?

juiicii:
I married last year. My wife is a choleric just like myself.she is the type that will not tolerate mistakes from me, if i don't keep things in their position, then hell will let loose,she hardly 'respects' me, she behaves independently and when i threaten divorce, she will say i should do it fast, because of her attitude i hardly give her money, when she demands for money, i will ask her, what of your salary, she will tell me that its my responsibility to give her money for somethings irrespective of her personal earnings. Meanwhile she never brings any money on the table for the family upkeep, i foot the bills :rentage,food,nepa, etc. I stopped buying clothes, etc for her since she put up those attitudes that piss me off. Infact i just don't love her again, we argue a lot except i just lock myself up in one room which is my new method now. Pls experienced advice needed

Funny man.

You expect your wife to beg you when you threaten a divorce for a minor issue?

You both are jokers.

To business:

You have acknowledged that you both are chloeric meaning you would have similar weaknesses. It also means that the faults you are finding with her, she is experiencing same with you.

Treat peace and happiness in your marriage as a goal:

How do you achieve peace and happiness?

1. Engage (not shout, insult, be rude etc) her to list the qualities she likes about you, her grievances and what she would you like you to improve on. If there are misconceptions of your actions, you can clear the air.

2. Repeat step on for yourself i.e. You are giving her feedback

3. When either party is talking, you both should resist the urge to jump in or feel offended if good gestures does not seem appreciated. I can be using my head to break coconut and my husband prefers I use a hammer. While the former method is more tedious, it is not having the desired effect of pleasing my husband or making him happy.

4. Discuss areas of improvement and way forward. You both must also acknowledge that either party is perfect and be will to accommodate minor faults and lapses.

5. Also discuss areas where you do not agree together e.g. Money. What are your expectations? What kind of home do you want to run? What are the challenges and how do you tackle them? And avoid 'this is what my parents did and I must stick with it'. Fashion your own path.

6. She behaves independently? Can you shed more light on that?

juiicii:
I married last year. My wife is a choleric just like myself.she is the type that will not tolerate mistakes from me, if i don't keep things in their position, then hell will let loose,she hardly 'respects' me, she behaves independently and when i threaten divorce, she will say i should do it fast, because of her attitude i hardly give her money, when she demands for money, i will ask her, what of your salary, she will tell me that its my responsibility to give her money for somethings irrespective of her personal earnings. Meanwhile she never brings any money on the table for the family upkeep, i foot the bills :rentage,food,nepa, etc. I stopped buying clothes, etc for her since she put up those attitudes that piss me off. Infact i just don't love her again, we argue a lot except i just lock myself up in one room which is my new method now. Pls experienced advice needed

I don't see how being a choleric is of importance to your marital problems.

Your wife has an attitude problem in addition to the obvious fact that she does not love you enough to want to defer to you in anyway, it's that simple.

Being choleric is a temperament developed mainly through life experiences, it's not congenital - people are not born with specific temperaments locked into their DNA.
She can bend, she can change, she can become less uptight...but only for someone or for people she feels are worthy of it, and unfortunately, you seem not to be that person anymore.

What you both need is some introspection.
Try to find out where it all went south and fix it, that's if you feel your marriage will still be worth it.

This is part of the palava of marrying a salary earning lady. She's got her own money and that arrogates some power to her hence her disrespect to you because with or without you, she has the financial power to run her life. Evidently, all those while, she never loved you. She only needs a man to change her title from Miss to Mrs. And probably, her mother may be the one fueling her.

The only way to reset her brain keep off having sex with, don't beg her for sex or any favor. Don't accept gifts from her or anyone related to her. Have a side chick and don't hide it from her. Withdraw from communicating with her and her family. Continue showing her you don't care about her. Watch her for three months if she doesn't let her guard down, then call it quit with her.

juiicii:
I married last year. My wife is a choleric just like myself.she is the type that will not tolerate mistakes from me, if i don't keep things in their position, then hell will let loose,she hardly 'respects' me, she behaves independently and when i threaten divorce, she will say i should do it fast, because of her attitude i hardly give her money, when she demands for money, i will ask her, what of your salary, she will tell me that its my responsibility to give her money for somethings irrespective of her personal earnings. Meanwhile she never brings any money on the table for the family upkeep, i foot the bills :rentage,food,nepa, etc. I stopped buying clothes, etc for her since she put up those attitudes that piss me off. Infact i just don't love her again, we argue a lot except i just lock myself up in one room which is my new method now. Pls experienced advice needed

donbachi:
make una just end d marriage....nothing come out.

it is your kind of person dat takes d easy way out, when d heat is on. Running from a Problem does not solve it but rather prolong d solution to come.
Please offer Solution to d guy and stop giving advice of chicken out.

juiicii:
I married last year. My wife is a choleric just like myself.she is the type that will not tolerate mistakes from me, if i don't keep things in their position, then hell will let loose,she hardly 'respects' me, she behaves independently and when i threaten divorce, she will say i should do it fast, because of her attitude i hardly give her money, when she demands for money, i will ask her, what of your salary, she will tell me that its my responsibility to give her money for somethings irrespective of her personal earnings. Meanwhile she never brings any money on the table for the family upkeep, i foot the bills :rentage,food,nepa, etc. I stopped buying clothes, etc for her since she put up those attitudes that piss me off. Infact i just don't love her again, we argue a lot except i just lock myself up in one room which is my new method now. Pls experienced advice needed

My dear,
what you experience in your marriage is very normal. What nobody has probably ever told you is that marriage is very hard but let me assure you, it is worth it. There will be ebbs and flows but it is ok. You will learn your lessons and you will grow individually and as a couple. What you are experiencing at the moment is what many, if not most, newly weds experience, the early bumps of marriage during the adjusting phase. I am glad to hear that you used to love each other and I am sure you can go back to loving each other but you must be determined to make this marriage work, never mention divorce again and stop blaming your wife because this blame game will further distance you from one another. Now what I understand is that the two of you are hot-tempered. Make the resolution to avoid any discussions when you feel angry. Take a walk before you let it out in your home or go to your room like you are doing. Don't contaminate your home with hurtful words. It is toxic. You have intuitively chosen the right strategy to diffuse the situation by retreating but don't spend more time in your room than necessary. Calm down and discuss whatever needs to be addressed from a place of calmness. the moment she raises her voice or chooses to address you inappropriately, retreat. Don't allow her to talk you anyhow. She will learn quickly to choose her words wisely. Always remember that you are not winning when she is losing and she ain't winning when you are losing so don't talk to be right but to understand and be understood. Secondly, forget about your privilege to be respected. She should respect you, yes, but respect is earned. Once she notices that you keep your calm under stress she will look up to you and try to do the same. Your positive approach and energy must become dominant. Be the Lord of yourself and you will become hers. The ability to keep our emotions in check is one of the things that makes people respect us. Lead by example, work on it, be better than you were yesterday. You are your only competition. If orderliness is what is important to her, try to be considerate and don't leave your stuff around. Our different attitudes to organizing our home environment is one of the most common sources of disagreement for couples you see. You don't have to clean every day, just don't leave stuff around and more importantly appreciate her effort to have a clean home. It's her way of making it homely for you two. It is a trait to be valued. She feels you disrespect her efforts and she responds with disrespect. It is not right but it is what it is and if you want to change it, you have to start with yourself. As for the money part, it only shows that you two have not yet reached the phase where you understand yourselves as partners. You two will have to learn that mutual support is one of the most important ingredients to a happy marriage and learning it will take some time. She will have to relearn her cultural conditioning that a man must foot all bills alone and you will have to understand that you do not live in a hotel. Be the change that you want to see in your marriage. Start with yourself and trust that she will follow.

In a few years, you will look back and realize that it was just a phase and if you successfully navigate through it, you will help others to make it through difficult times. Prove to yourself, first and foremost, that you know how to handle difficult situations. Everyone can do it when it is easy. As they say, you don't learn how to sail in calm waters, you master in in stormy waters. The memory of love that you shared should give you the strength that you need to keep going. Be strong! And never forget what you fell in love with. It is still there.

Someone once said "when a domineering man marries a harsh woman, they will always beat the hell out of themselves" please o, how did you guys love yourself before marriage, can you please tell me.

Crimpsy:
it is your kind of person dat takes d easy way out, when d heat is on. Running from a Problem does not solve it but rather prolong d solution to come.
Please offer Solution to d guy and stop giving advice of chicken out.

are u ok?d man said he does not love his wife again like he use to...I love dat "easy way out"..if u know d number of men and women dat have died trying to make an already dead marriage to work.u won't say dis ur trash to me.

Most marriages pass through this selfish and fragmented phase.
Apparently, there is a major psycho-social disconnection from both sides.
One person cannot make this work.
I suggest professional counseling, not family intervention.
Love is only ONE ingredient in marriage.
There are more than 50+++ others and none is present in this disunion from what I can read from you.
You have a less than 10% chance of getting back on track, that is if you ever had the right foundations.

All the best.

donbachi:
are u ok?d man said he does not love his wife again like he use to...I love dat "easy way out"..if u know d number of men and women dat have died trying to make an already dead marriage to work.u won't say dis ur trash to me.

Who told u d marriage is dead, dat is your own assumption.
My point is 4 the OP to try to work out the marriage with his wife, who knows the marriage could be worth saving

KanwuliaExtra:
Most marriages pass through this selfish and fragmented phase.
Apparently, there is a major psycho-social disconnection from both sides.
One person cannot make this work.
I suggest professional counseling, not family intervention.
Love is only ONE ingredient in marriage.
There are more than 50+++ others and none is present in this disunion from what I can read from you.
You have a less than 10% chance of getting back on track, that is if you ever had the right foundations.

All the best.

Keiris:


My dear,
what you experience in your marriage is very normal. What nobody has probably ever told you is that marriage is very hard but let me assure you, it is worth it. There will be ebbs and flows but it is ok. You will learn your lessons and you will grow individually and as a couple. What you are experiencing at the moment is what many, if not most, newly weds experience, the early bumps of marriage during the adjusting phase. I am glad to hear that you used to love each other and I am sure you can go back to loving each other but you must be determined to make this marriage work, never mention divorce again and stop blaming your wife because this blame game will further distance you from one another. Now what I understand is that the two of you are hot-tempered. Make the resolution to avoid any discussions when you feel angry. Take a walk before you let it out in your home or go to your room like you are doing. Don't contaminate your home with hurtful words. It is toxic. You have intuitively chosen the right strategy to diffuse the situation by retreating but don't spend more time in your room than necessary. Calm down and discuss whatever needs to be addressed from a place of calmness. the moment she raises her voice or chooses to address you inappropriately, retreat. Don't allow her to talk you anyhow. She will learn quickly to choose her words wisely. Always remember that you are not winning when she is losing and she ain't winning when you are losing so don't talk to be right but to understand and be understood. Secondly, forget about your privilege to be respected. She should respect you, yes, but respect is earned. Once she notices that you keep your calm under stress she will look up to you and try to do the same. Your positive approach and energy must become dominant. Be the Lord of yourself and you will become hers. The ability to keep our emotions in check is one of the things that makes people respect us. Lead by example, work on it, be better than you were yesterday. You are your only competition. If orderliness is what is important to her, try to be considerate and don't leave your stuff around. Our different attitudes to organizing our home environment is one of the most common sources of disagreement for couples you see. You don't have to clean every day, just don't leave stuff around and more importantly appreciate her effort to have a clean home. It's her way of making it homely for you two. It is a trait to be valued. She feels you disrespect her efforts and she responds with disrespect. It is not right but it is what it is and if you want to change it, you have to start with yourself. As for the money part, it only shows that you two have not yet reached the phase where you understand yourselves as partners. You two will have to learn that mutual support is one of the most important ingredients to a happy marriage and learning it will take some time. She will have to relearn her cultural conditioning that a man must foot all bills alone and you will have to understand that you do not live in a hotel. Be the change that you want to see in your marriage. Start with yourself and trust that she will follow.

In a few years, you will look back and realize that it was just a phase and if you successfully navigate through it, you will help others to make it through difficult times. Prove to yourself, first and foremost, that you know how to handle difficult situations. Everyone can do it when it is easy. As they say, you don't learn how to sail in calm waters, you master in in stormy waters. The memory of love that you shared should give you the strength that you need to keep going. Be strong! And never forget what you fell in love with. It is still there.

wow

honestly,i am overwhelmed.the pieces of advice rendered here is awesome.i thank u all.i repeat, a million thanks to everyone that took out their precious time to comfort me and to proffer a solution to my loveless marriage.okay,let me start this way,i may not quote you all verbatim but i wl allude to as many posts as i can.yes when we were courting,i was overtaken by emotions,i was in deep love with her that i did not listen to the voice of reason even when she was manifesting those features of 'fearlessness/domineering'.also i was in a hurry to marry seeing that she met upto 60% of my criteria compared to others that i met for marriage.i thought she wl be submissive to me as both of us are from good family backgrounds and raised in pentecostal churches,we have taken this case to church and family and they all blamed me after hearing the both of us,that makes it more difficult for me,so i decided to bring this to this place.for those suggesting divorce,i forgot to write it there,that the threat of divorce...