Chapter 2


Femi sat up in bed just after his morning devotion, he was scrolling through Instagram, looking at pictures of girls he knew getting married to their heartthrobs. It was December and another time for marriage season. He was so tired and sick of this.
“God when nah? When? I am an eligible bachelor with a ready house and a good job. What’s up? I am ready for marriage, where is my girl?”
Femi looked at his standing male organ, angry and pissed.
“God I have been dealing with this for 28 years of my life, staying celibate all the while at it. When will you give me a wife with whom I can make love with your blessing? You say stay celibate while single and only get to have sex when married – I agree. Okay now give me a wife so I would not sin against you, you nor gree.
Ogah oh. This one hard me. Maybe its till I sin against you, that’s when you will answer my prayer”.
Femi could feel the Holy Spirit chuckle within him.
"So if you sleep with a girl outside of marriage, who you do? You are the one who I am protecting; I am protecting your destiny and stopping you from having soul ties from numerous women and generational patterns. You should be thanking me for protecting you from what comes from having premarital sex, instead you are complaining."

The absurdness of the situation and the fact that the Holy Spirit was speaking in Pidgin English didn’t register in his mind. All he thought about was on how God wasn’t even joking with him... but of course he has been a Christian for the past thirteen years, so he should know better.
“Okay God, I am sorry…”
He wanted to leave the rest in his mind but he determined that after all God could still read his mind, so he continued.
“But God please just give a wife. Please, please, please, please…”
He wanted to force tears to come out of his eyes but right from the beginning of time, he had never been able to cry easily.
He waited for an answer.
No answer.
Instead, he started another conversation.
Go to work.
“Ok oh God. Thank you sir. Bye.
“This would be a very long depressing day”.

********
TWO MONTHS LATER
********

Amaka had met this very amazing guy at her Masters class at Unilag named Lazarus.
‘Laza, the resurrected’ was his nickname.
At first Amaka never noticed him, but the whole class were fans of his. He was funny, intelligent and good looking all at the same time and as if that was not enough, he also worked in an oil company. Ah! This was it! So two months ago, Amaka began to plan how to get him to be hers.
She plotted on how to meet with him as soon as he was stepping into class. She also plotted on how to be at the same tutorial classes he took and she was successful, everything went according to plan. It was fairly easy after getting into the tutorial class to get his number from the tutorial class attendance sheet.
At first she simply introduced herself as his classmate and flattered his intelligence by asking some questions as the main reason for her calls. Afterwards she moved onto WhatsApp chats and finally asked him for his house address. By the time she visited once and then twice, they had had multiple trysts in bed and it was official; they were an item. Only deal was she had also heard that he was a chronic womanizer with no plans to change anytime soon but Amaka was sure she could change him.
They were seated on the couch at his apartment after another wonderful time together in bed. Usually when they had sex, Amaka liked to just laze around and cuddle with him but she had noticed that Lazarus would get up immediately and also ask her to do the same. Within 15 minutes one way or the other she would find herself being sent on her way home and today was no different.
She tried to lie on his back, “baby, can I spend the night today?”
Her heart was pounding as she asked the question and she could feel him drawing away even as she formed the words in her mouth. She waited a heart-beat before adding more words, “we could stay in the Jacuzzi, bathe together and make love all night…”
But Lazarus had already pulled away.
“I told you Amaka, I don’t like to have ladies over at my house through the nights. Night-time is for me alone and it stays that way.”
Amaka looked at him as the mood suddenly changed between them in the blink of an eye.
“In fact, I think you should be leaving right now. I need to take my rest”.
He checked his wallet stretched out some money to her and asked her to take an uber home.
“Thanks for coming Amaka, I will see you in class tomorrow”.
In an attempt to hide her shame, Amaka took the money and silently left his apartment. She couldn’t figure out why Lazarus would do this every time they were together. They would have a good time in the bedroom – he never seemed to be less than excited to see her and then after the sex, it would almost be like a drastic change would come over him and he couldn’t wait for her to leave.
Amaka thought to herself, “What can I do? Hmm. I will change him with my unconditional and never changing love.”

******

Lazarus was simply glad to be rid of Amaka, good girls like her type were the worse; always looking for a man to rope into marriage. He could see it in her witchy eyes.
“If it were possible she would propose to me herself. Hmm. Let the world know that me, Lazarus, I will die in singlehood; there is no resurrection from death to life for me here”.

Lazarus thought to the only girl he had ever loved and hoped to marry. Lisa was his everything but the babe was a cheat!
He was getting angry just thinking about it.
He had caught her red-handed with man after man after man and the stupid thing was that he was even still willing to get married to her till she called it off herself.
Well, every woman after her would pay for it. If he wasn’t good enough for Lisa then he wasn’t good enough for any other woman. He would take the ones like Amaka who were content to give him husband privileges like sleep with him, clean his house and cook for him but no more.
“Absolutely no more!”

*******
Lara had fully embraced her new found role at church as a member of the choir. Today was Bible study and she was fully enjoying her new church. She had scouted and searched for the best church where singles were most likely to meet and fall in love and she had found one; Christ the Lover Christian Centre. She loved the name – she hoped to also find a lover there apart from Jesus.
Right from the first, her clothes were to kill for; designers through and through with just the right amount of both cover and disclosure - enough to be a born again Christian and enough to be a trendy ‘Christian lady’. She had ditched her car and had taken to taking the church bus to and from church each Sunday in an attempt to at least meet and mingle with people. Instead of just sitting alone in her car, she could take the opportunity to be ‘seen’. There were better chances to be asked out when you are seen.
She had read all she could find on twitter on the right behavior to adopt as a single lady who is looking for a husband in church. She had found a pastor on twitter who spoke to singles like her and she had taken his advice. He had said to:
Number 1: Ditch the badass girl attitude outside. Guys come to church for Christian girls so please ensure you are a Christian girl.
2: Dress appropriately. For girls like her who didn’t know, church guys don’t actually take too kindly to cleavage opening - they run the other way.
3: Join a unit department at church; either meeters and greeters or the choir or something that has to do with getting you in front of people. Do not murder your chances on the altar of joining a unit like the media team. Aim to see and be seen.
4: Smile. Let every man feel the fruit of the Holy Spirit flowing through you when they come in contact with you.
5: Tone down your achievements; be and learn to be a wife who is submissive and is willing to let her husband be her head even over her achievements. If you are asked questions about your job and what you do in church, tone it down.
6: Participate in prayer meetings A LOT! All Christian men want a prayerful wife.
7: Never be caught unfresh; dress well and be well put together.
8: Repeat all ten steps and you will be married in a year.

The man who wrote the steps on twitter was a pastor himself and he swore that he had shared these points from a well put together survey from the 100 women - and still counting - that have gotten married in his church. Amaka trusted him and had put his steps to work judiciously for the last two months. No man had showed up yet but they will. God still had 10 months to fulfil his part of the deal. She trusted him. He is the God that never faileth not.
***

(Episode three comes up next monday)

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