Uncle wey mumu! You want us to insult your wife, kudos to that woman.
You’re such a Baby goat, highly irresponsible and very lazy! I’m so irritated, why won’t your wife be insubordinate. At 39, complaints upon complaints, since you lost your job, you didn’t go for any skill sir? No trainings or even buisiness? You’re a fool sir with all due respect.

After you won that contract, why didn’t you press further, you didn’t set up yourself at all, no stock, no bonds, no treasury bills, no investments, you’re a Big Fool!!

You kept saying I, I, you never considered your wife, your wife is stressed, she’s worn out and tired! I’m sure she looks older than a age, you can’t even pamper her yet you complain and complain. I hope none of your children takes after you, everything you listed about your wife are all workable, she’s the victim, I really sympathize with her.

You cannot start Uber because you’re owing rent blah blah, but you can go and enjoy beer and p.soup, gosh, you’re so spoilt. You’re a Lazy man, put your shit together and get up!!! Stupid man.

Op, YOU ARE A MUMU MAN.

Kenturkey048:
why is it that no one is paying attention to the insensitivity of the wife....?

Living with an insensitive person Is worst than living in hell...I have a first hand experience of what the op is saying because sometimes I just feel like parking my bags and going to a place where I can have peace of mind.....

Two wrongs don't make right
In my response I said that sure the woman has her own issues
But weighing things on the scale according to what he told us
He has a lot of issues
And he doesn't even agree to that

So wisdom demands that he work on himself first
If he gets his acts right
He can then be ready to face his woman's issues
But if he refuses
Divorce and separation will be on the cards
And honestly divorce won't favor this guy

I can bet with all my money
That this guy can never get a woman
To tolerate half of what his wife has been tolerating from him
If he wants flings he can get that
But for long-term relationship
No woman will tolerate those
He is lucky
Some mean women can even
Find ways to terminate his life
If he gives them too much problem

So better he works on his marriage
With a woman that tolerates his crap
And still agrees to live under same roof with him
His wife still loves him
It's a woman that loves a man
That will be checking his phone
Even calling those women to warn them
A woman that doesn't love him
Will just leave him to his ways without
Bordering or giving any damn

Dear OP, honestly i admire the honesty in ur story and i kinda have some similar traits especially when it comes to family meals and indecisivesness. I dnt like to worry abt food. I dnt care - whatever my woman prepares is what i eat. However, i have come to understand that that's an aspect of a woman one might not get rly lucky to change. So after 9yrs, its expected u ought to av adjusted to wife's "flaw".

As per u loosing ur job, i still wanna go easy u cos i have experienced that people react differently to setbacks. Some will spiral down n it affects so many aspects of their lives. I think ur taking ur job loss too badly.

Your decision to spend the 7-digit profit u once made was a consequence of lack of foresight and ur wife is still pained. I still wouldnt wanna be harsh on u cos u were out of job n cash for a longtime n u only saw the money as a windfall. U ddnt plan for the future and ur wife was concerned u ddnt consult her before blowing off the cash.

Your sit-outs with ur friends isnt totally out of place. Sometimes we all need our pals to make us feel kinda loved n save us stress from other fronts. Notwithstanding, u must realise, u r responsible for ur wife, 3 kids and a maid under ur roof. U cannot afford to live ur life as if ur single and alone. Out of self-respect for urself, i suggest u shld reduce time spent with ur friends. Our people say"friendship isn't sweet if one part of the relationship always lacks" Chill responsibly.

U need to really calm down and see ur wife in a different light. Task her more mentally. Like ask her for suggestions on jobs or businesses u cld try. I have discovered that women have the simplest solutions to the most complex situations. After all, u said she's made of beauty and brains.

Not all wives nag when their husbands come late if they no ur out there hustling ur ass out. In ur honest story, u said u argue politics with ur friends, i suggest u either show less interest during such discussion or u ask for more productive talks. Ur current situation is not one for politics arguments and ofkos u guys do talk abt ur sexcapades. That's not right honestly.

I think ur worried (reason ur hair is all grey at 39) but ur not rly handling ur situation in a wise manner. This is a time to be sober, appreciate ur wife, love ur family (go out n get stuffs for ur kids even if it's snacks), help out at home n i dnt think any one would begrudge u if u wanna chill with dem boys once in a while.

Finally, Be more responsible with future finances, plan with ur wife and don't be too ashamed to even ask for help in watever form.

God bless you bro and be with ur family!

drmikeadams:
use that ur car dey uber for a start

Are you single? Husband material much.

[quote author=chiddyok post=88801369]
Are you single? Husband material much. [/quote[center][/center] ] am single ooo,,, come and pay my bride price

[quote author=drmikeadams post=88801492][/quote]
No ooo. I’m not a feminist ooo. I like money and care, and I know you will take care of me. I don’t know how to wash but I can cook and keep house, I’ll bring my washing machine when I’m coming. I’m also working. Should I call the wedding planner?

chiddyok:

No ooo. I’m not a feminist ooo. I like money and care, and I know you will take care of me. I don’t know how to wash but I can cook and keep house, I’ll bring my washing machine when I’m coming. I’m also working. Should I call the wedding planner?

Mumu man.
You cheat on your wife.
You are not discreet about the fact that you cheat.
You are not bringing in any income.
Yet you want the poor woman to embrace you and Pat you on the back.

Unfaithfulness
I don't think I was beating around the bush because i did mention that i cheated. There was not excuse for it.

But the concern is the her insecurities leads her to doing the unthinkable. If she has access to my phone now, she will find a booklet and start copying every female name in my contacts. If. She sees for the recent contacts that we've been talking, gbam she calls the female with threats and insults. In most cases her presumption is wrong and could do damage someday since everyone she call so far is inconsequential.

I had no relationship with the girl with the lipstick on my shirt, just a lausy drunk girl that couldn't walk straight which I help to the car.

I gave a girl a lift and her earring fell in the car. I became an issue more than a year now.

They were sharing condoms at a bar, I collected a pack, it was in my car for 3 months until a friend needed it at a wedding. I came home and she accused me of using it.

The cum. Since my sec sch days, if i squat to take a shit, i always notice like watery cum coming out. On this particular day, a friend took me out to a bush bar, ate fish pepper soup and gbam my stomach was on fire. There was no way i would sit on that smelly toilet and cant reach home so I drove some distance, found some bush and did my business squatting. The cumlike thing happened and got my boxer stained. My wife inspected my boxers as usual and saw it. To her I, I just finished fvcking.

Lastly, if my finances is her problem, i cant kee myself.

I think you're not also keeping responsible friends, they should set up something for you or get you a job. If they're responsible, they would find a way of resolving this issue without getting to SM. When they also get broke, you'll know the reality of life.
If you really want your respect back, get something doing and take care of your bills and that of your family. If your children's become of age, and you're not the one spending on them, you'll know you made a grave mistakes of your life.

baldman:
Dear Poster,

It is not quite clear why you posted this, but I will take it that you just wanted to rant, and perhaps scout for comments to justify your gross irresponsibilities. Luckily for you, your post will attract some hard truths from the good men and women in this community, and I am hoping you will look beyond the abuses and just learn as people objectively tell you the truths about yourself which you have failed to acknowledge. As I already hinted, you are a grossly irresponsible married man, and in all honesty, I doubt if you could be a good father in the real sense of the word. You come home late, you drink, you chastise your wife in the presence of your house girl and children, you do everything to pull her down, and you indeed tried to convince us that this very real woman is some retard that you did the favour of marriage. I want you to imagine the scenario in your home as you painted in your post, and transform it into a Nollywood movie, how will you judge your own character? You are definitely not the victim, your wife is the victim. She married a man that is self-absorbed, and needed a mumu wife. You loved the fact that she deferred to you and you had to provide leadership in all aspects, but that became a burden in marriage and you became irritable because of it. The truth is that when you marry a woman, you marry the whole package that she represents, and your responsibility is to build her up, first with your mouth, then with your action, patient guardians, and also by providing support. I am sure having the house maid has helped greatly to ameliorate some of her incompetences. Your responsibility is to help her, build her up, and for God sake, be faithful to her. Your woman is a rarity, you have been jobless, irresponsible, unfaithful, unaccountable and your judgments have been poor, honestly, you made some money and you just paid up your debt and start accruing afresh, what happened to using some or all of that money to start something? Most of your wife's behaviours are in reaction to your unfaithfulness and illicit affairs. It is your wife that we should be begging not to dissolve you, that woman will do well without you and the risk of STDS which you represent. You have been breaking her heart with all those chats that you think you are having for fun. Did you expect her to be falling in love with you, or be recovering from her alleged madness while you are doing those things? My words may be harsh but imagine your wife is your daughter and all you have said is coming from a son in law?
I agree with you that it is likely that the kind of life you are leading may be responsible for your ill-luck and I want to implore you to retrace your step, move closer to God, love your wife as christ loves the church as implored by the bible, and begin to live a decent life. You also need to change your friends immediately; they can get girls and hotels for you, they can buy beer for you, they can give you some occasional bail out, but they cannot help with money for you to start something constructive, they are no good friends. If you continue the way you are leading your life, that 'useless' woman will one day realize that she can live without you.

you deserve a kiss sir..

One thing i like about u is that u detailed everything and showing areas u have messed up but for ur wife,u married her because she is reserved.

Generally,I don't think both of have any problem.

The only problem I see here is the fact that you need to find something doing, and I am sure u will see your wife change for the better.

Try not to have anything to do with women other than ur wife and u will see peace return to ur home.

Wish u the best.

Sorry about the reference to you shouting at your wife in the presence of the maid. I think that came from the general impression, rather than anything you wrote in your post, I apologize for that. What you call salt and Maggi usually comes with the territory of your disclosed situation. I respect your maturity and willingness to make it right, and that is why I took so much time to type my opinion and this response. I hope you will be able to get past my' excesses' and deal with the relevant issues. Again my apologies if I said anything unnecessarily offensive.

In summary, please do right by your woman, she is not perfect, but your love, your understanding, loyalty, faithfulness, commitment to the union will go a long way in moulding her to the woman you desire or something pretty close to it. Be the man you want your beloved daughter to marry.

Maybe you skimmed but its pretty obvious what i expected and am not surprised getting it.

The difference between me and most men is that i have the desire to make it right but the kind of people I see, they will make me look like a saint.

"Chastised my wife in front of the maid", where is this coming from please?

I tried to describe my situation but the salt, maggi and onions you added is on you.

I wonder why there is a househelp in the house when u are jobless.
What do u do exactly?


We all must remain married by force

OP has deactivated eyaaa

The guy thought it will be business as usual on nairaland with everyone coming here to bash the wife. Eyaaaaaa

OP don't pick offence from peoples replies here, the truth is that your actions and entitlement are shocking.

How can you still be keeping late nights, collecting numbers and flirting with girls, you don't have any job for years now, your wife is feeding you, you dont help with chores, you are even complaining that she seeks your opinion on decisions to take at home.

I think your wife has very low self esteem and inferiority complex that's why she puts up with you. I won't lie I could relate with how she is feeling, maybe her inability to make friends and socialize is killing her confidence and making her stay with you because she feels that is what a 'defective' person like herself deserves.

Try this nonsense with a confident and articulate Nigerian woman make you know how far. When she is done with you you will have valid and sensible complaints to make on nairaland about her behavior not this noise you came to make here

Kenturkey048:
why is it that no one is paying attention to the insensitivity of the wife....?

Living with an insensitive person Is worst than living in hell...I have a first hand experience of what the op is saying because sometimes I just feel like parking my bags and going to a place where I can have peace of mind.....

Insensitivity?

The OP should overhaul himself jare.

Useless excuse of a man.
A wasteman

But surely, OP must be a troll?
Someone cannot be so foolish, to bask so much in his arrogance while ignorant?

Unfaithfulness
I don't think I was beating around the bush because i did mention that i cheated. There was not excuse for it.

But the concern is the her insecurities leads her to doing the unthinkable. If she has access to my phone now, she will find a booklet and start copying every female name in my contacts. If. She sees for the recent contacts that we've been talking, gbam she calls the female with threats and insults. In most cases her presumption is wrong and could do damage someday since everyone she call so far is inconsequential.

I had no relationship with the girl with the lipstick on my shirt, just a lausy drunk girl that couldn't walk straight which I help to the car.

I gave a girl a lift and her earring fell in the car. I became an issue more than a year now.

They were sharing condoms at a bar, I collected a pack, it was in my car for 3 months until a friend needed it at a wedding. I came home and she accused me of using it.

The cum. Since my sec sch days, if i squat to take a shit, i always notice like watery cum coming out. On this particular day, a friend took me out to a bush bar, ate fish pepper soup and gbam my stomach was on fire. There was no way i would sit on that smelly toilet and cant reach home so I drove some distance, found some bush and did my business squatting. The cumlike thing happened and got my boxer stained. My wife inspected my boxers as usual and saw it. To her I, I just finished fvcking.

Lastly, if my finances is her problem, i cant kee myself.

Ogah, the way U dey respond to advise his annoying. Every of ur comments is trying to justify urself and put the blame on wife which have landed U into where U are today.
For God sake, can U try and look at urself and tell urself U have been fair to ur wife?
Abeg change the circle of ur friend and stay at home with her for Month and see whether there ll be no change in your house and from her.

I got this from a marriage WhatsApp group. Maybe it can help u

THE PRICE OF PEACE AND HARMONY IN EVERY MARRIAGE.

Many years ago I listened to a preacher share about how his wife would leave the television on at night and sleep off and they lived in a country where you pay based on how long you keep the TV on. Leaving the TV on therefore increases the television bill.

That attitude of his wife would annoy him and he was always angry at his wife for doing that yet it continued. It was obvious it was going to become a strain in the marriage.

Then one day while ruminating over this issue,I asked myself, “Is your marriage not worth fifty dollars extra at the end of the month? If this attitude of your wife will mean an extra bill of fifty dollars is it too much to pay for peace to be in your marriage?”

Unlike me, my wife is not a morning person. I can wake up by 2:00am, work till 5:00am, go back to bed and still get up by 6:00am and start my day. For my wife, I literally have to drag her out of bed in the morning. Her day begins only after she has had her bath.

In some homes, the wife is the one who goes to the kitchen to heat up water for the family to bathe. I guess it comes naturally with women. In my home, heaven help me if I wait for my wife to do that. I will wait for a long time. So I have resolved to make that my responsibility.

Even with the kids I will still have to be the one doing that in the morning because my wife is not a morning person. If that is the price I have to pay for peace to be in my home, it is worth it. We are talking about the price of peace.

One of my friends shared with me how his wife will never monitor the fuel gauge when driving. It is when the car finally stops that she realizes the car has run out of fuel. Guess who she will call? The husband. He will have to be the one to sort out the problem.

After several of such calls he had to find a way around it. He ensures the fuel tank is full at the beginning of the week which will take the wife through the week. That way he does not get any phone call that the car has stopped. It is the price of peace for him.

When I was working on this article I requested that people share some of the prices they have had to pay to maintain peace in their homes. I got a lot of responses that revealed that no marriage is perfect. The reason we see certain marriages as better than ours is because the parties in those marriages are ready to pay certain prices to maintain peace in their homes.

Let me share a few of the responses I got.

"In my home I just have to tolerate my husband’s attitude. He has this habit of talking over issues repeatedly. He can talk, talk and talk when a situation happens and will nag you till you fall over. So to allow peace what I do is try and keep my mouth shut. No argument, no talking back or simply walk away so that peace can reign."
-Ajoke Mariam Osikoya

"I usually don't turn off the lights in a room when I'm done using it. At the beginning of my marriage hubby will tell me to always make sure I do that when exiting the room, but after correcting me several times without change, he decided to just check back anytime I leave a room and will help turn the lights off. He just stopped complaining and started helping me do it. Eventually, I had to determine in myself to be more aware and I've gotten better doing that.
-Olubunmi Adeleye,

"My wife has a thing for matchsticks. After using one, she keeps it for 'emergency'. This act irritates me. No matter how long we discuss this (more than 9 years now) she still does. So I decided to dispose them and then I offer her a fresh one should an 'emergency' arise."
-Dapo Shodunke

"I don't pressurize my husband to do or not to do anything, especially something he really wants to, or really doesn't want to do. Putting pressure on him will only irritate him. I keep quiet and I pray instead. That way, I have peace and also get what I want. On the other hand, my husband will always hang the mosquito nets, switch off the lights and unplug my phones, because I always sleep off. He has stopped complaining. He will do the job instead."
-Bisola Muktar Mary

Those were just a few of the several responses I got about the price of peace that people are paying in their homes. A lot of other people were encouraged when they saw that they were not alone. You think you are the only one having an issue until you listen to others.

Sometimes we need to do things we don’t like for the sake of peace. If it is not too high a price then why not just do it and move on with our lives? Not every battle is worth fighting.

That is why it is important to be able to lead yourself because for these people whose reports we just read you find that either they or their spouses took responsibility for peace. That is part of what personal leadership is about.

I could have picked a fight with my wife for refusing to get up from the bed in the morning. Hamzah could have picked a fight with his wife for that thing with the matchsticks. Fatimah’s husband could have picked a fight with her for always forgetting to turn off the lights. But personal leadership helped us to take the other route thereby maintaining peace in our homes.

Now this does not mean you will never have to correct each other in the relationship or continually be in endurance mode throughout the marriage especially when it has to do with abuse. That is a completely different matter. You don’t endure abuse. But instead of fighting over why your spouse always presses the toothpaste tube from the middle, why not buy a second one so you have yours and he has his and both of you have peace? Has that not solved the problem?

....Part 2
To put more strain on the family, I lost my job when the company I worked for folded up and left the country. I am home full time against what used to be the case when I worked and lived away from home. She has little respect for me but always want to act like a fully submissive wife.

My wife is very insensitive when upset that she says what she knows will not be cool to say only to regret saying it. For example, she overreacted with the young 18yr old maid. The girl did something and wifey insulted her, the insult got to the girl that she replied for the very first time since 6yrs she's being in our house. I didn't like what she said, my wife now turns around says that my silence means I am fvcking the girl who vowed to keep the secret and rained curses on both of us. She once told me that I wanted to kill her child, because I didn't come back on time with drugs for my sick son. She once told my mum the same thing when my son was admitted in hospital. Its like when her child falls sick, she loses her mind.

For my past 2 jobless years, once my wife comes back from work, I get out of the house to hang out with friends. My drinking has increased and my exposure to waywardness has increased. The fact is, I am not totally immune to cheating on her but I have very strong self control which most times stops me short of doing it. I have friends who pay for hotel room, pay a girl to sleep with me but I will say no thank you and head home only to meet her at the door, rain insults on me, then return to bed. I never sleep out but do come home late.

We fight daily on account of coming home late but in 99% of the time, its just a harmless sitting of guys gisting till 12midnight or 1am in a bar a stone throw from home. The fact that we fight daily means she cannot tolerate any behavior that she doesn't approve. This lack of tolerance means she is obsessed with controlling me; where I go, who I meet, what I eat or drink and when I go or come home. I repeatedly told her she cannot control me but no one can dissuade her from this. This led to a physical confrontation one night that I slapped her. Her father summoned me and once he heard what I had to say, he blamed her. My parents are tired of her numerous reports, her younger sister is tired of hearing our issues.

The reason things are this bad is mainly my phone and the fact that she loses her senses whenever she sees any suggestive reason from my phone of an affair. These supposedly affairs are in 80% of the case real evidence of an affair but 99% of the time, the actual affair (sex) never happened or I never even had any intention of having the affair all the way.

The fact is that I am big sized man and still manage to maintain my car so the girls mostly assume I have plenty of money to spend. I know I don't and am no player so I just play for a while and drop them before or when they make the 1st demand. I don't even want the sex because I know the demands come after so I just want to lay low. Some girls want to spend money on me, I don't like hotels or being in any place I cannot afford so I stay away. Anything beyond beer and p.soup, am usually not interested.

I hardly ever get drunk since I am self conscious which makes me the sober driver to most of my friends. Whenever I return and seemed to have had enough to drink, my wife is waiting to insult me saying all I do is spend my money on beer, p.soup, girls and fuel.

I am jobless with exhausted savings but she says these things when actually my friends pay my bills buy fuel for me and do those stuff for us to hang out. The last deal that got me a 7digit payout which didn't last 3 months due to debts, I cleared mine, hers, my parent's and her parents debts in one shot. Paid my children's 3 terms sch fees and cleared 2yrs owed rent and stocked my house and my parent's store but till today, she insults me that I spent the money on beer and women. Yes, I "retaliated" my friends some favours for constantly being there for me, especially financially but not a kobo spent on any woman. She hates my friends, has refused to come out from the bedroom to welcome some of them if they showed up at home. The ones she like, they enjoy her cooking and sing her praises but the ones she doesn't like are aware she doesn't want them around.

I like socializing and would not leave the opportunity of not collecting a beautiful girl's number. We may make several calls, chat, hangout but it almost never gets to the bedroom before I bailed. If you ask my wife, I am a serial cheater, she has countless episodes of evidences from my phone or clothes but never a real proof. She has seen lipstick, shadow powder on my shirts, what looks like cum on my boxers, WhatsApp messages where the entire gist will convince even a 5 year old that I am having an affair. Yet, all these are categorically misleading with no harm done.

However, that doesn't mean i have never done it, yes i have, a very few times when it was very convenient but everything she always thinks she sees or is an evidence turns out to be nothing. I simply take a girls number lead her on for a week or 2 then forget. This leaves evidence on my phone that often times gets forgotten at the bottom of the contact list that my wife will dig out anytime I mistakenly leave my phone unlocked.

This mistake happened last night when I let her watch a movie in my phone, i slept off, then she went on to search through, my recent calls, contacts, WhatsApp, pictures etc. Normally, she would copy out the female contacts, especially new ones and the ones she doesn't know. If she notices any reason to call one of them, she will call to threaten them. She even called my former boss secretary's number but she was lucky the call didn't link back to me. She is constantly watching me like a hawk hooked on prey. She accuses me of spending on girls which by my standards is the last thing I do. I take my responsibilities very seriously, I will never spend a Kobo that I know will fill a hole at the home front.

I have contemplated divorce but cannot cause harm to my children.

I am not asking for what to do about the situation, I know what I have to do is to endure at least for the sake of my children. At this time, she also has to endure some of the times I do. I am not a womanizer but I can't promise that once a while I will not have a fling. My only issue is that, whenever I actually have sex outside, I can't totally hide the fact at home because I totally lose interest in having sex with her.

I had a thought, maybe my transgressions are the reason I am broke and can't seem to recover from the financial avalanche that has swept my life, my wife's attitude puts a bad taste in my mouth that I need external intervention to stay afloat.

Meanwhile, she is the bread winner now so all I can do is to always be out of the house or lock myself in the room to get some peace and sanity in my mind. It is actually not a coincidence that when things became financial bad for me, my wife became a thorn in my flesh.

Instead of regretting that I married her, I try to occupy my mind with thoughts of my beautiful children and if its not strong enough to put her off, I get a drink or a babe to help.

Lastly, my wife is ignorant because she will not accept any reasonable explanation once she hears or sees me calling another girl dear, honey, sweetie, babie or any endearing name. She is incomprehensive because even when she reports me to her parents, my parents or her sister and they tell her how wrong she was, it seems the words enter one ear and come out of the other. I can't get her to understand basic and simple principles of life. She is only driven by emotions and physical evidence, every other thing is bullshit.

I am more concerned of my joblessness and my children's welfare than my wife's troubles that made my hair turn almost completely grey at 39.

Below is the screenshot of what spooked her for this morning insults. This chat is last girl I dated before we married. Just an innocent chat of two seperately married ex.boy and girlfriend checking up on each other. See the date on the chat which was the last time. The 2nd problem is a new female name in my contacts.

baldman:
Dear Poster,

I agree with you that it is likely that the kind of life you are leading may be responsible for your ill-luck and I want to implore you to retrace your step, move closer to God, love your wife as christ loves the church as implored by the bible, and begin to live a decent life. You also need to change your friends immediately; they can get girls and hotels for you, they can buy beer for you, they can give you some occasional bail out, but they cannot help with money for you to start something constructive, they are no good friends. If you continue the way you are leading your life, that 'useless' woman will one day realize that she can live without you.

I have always known bald men to be wise. You did not dissapoint.

1. Design a food timetable for your wife.
2. Help with the kids everyday before you run off (dress up for school, homework, evening bath, feed the younger ones)
3. Machines don't drop clothes in hampers, humans do - pick up after yourself and every other person.
4. Dedicate one night every week specifically for you and your wife only this day and time is for both of you to do or go anywhere or anything she likes, thank God you have a maid.








For someone who hasn't had a job for 2years and their still calling to ask what you would like to eat... Hmmmm, advice your self.

I hope you see this. You were honest at the start, then you started watering things when insults were coming too much than you thought.

Truth is you are suffering stuff but the funny thing is you want your wife to ameliorate your suffering because she some how contributed to it but what you don't know is that, she is suffering too and you contributed to it. Both of you are dealing with the effects of each other actions yet don't want to shift grounds. You know, you said your wife is ignorant, you have become too focus on her inefficiencies that you can't see that your actions are driving her worse.

You struck me when you said you can't promise you will change from cheating but somehow you want your wife to stop nagging. Hey, that's a woman that love you too much to even be bothered with what you do with your body even when you are contributing nothing to the home. Some women would have a given you a better ride for your game so much that your esteem will not afford you an erection any longer.

You say your wife don't understand personality without knowing you are same or worse because if you knew, you could have helped her shortcomings and complemented her. Like what is wrong with planning the meals since you the better, buying the clothes etc. I believe there are things she also does better than you that you have not been able to rival in 9years.

You even married her selfishly and expect her not to make her self demands too. You said you married her because she wasn't the outing type, whereas you are the social type. You left your kind because you know they are prone to waywardness and went for the homely one who less selfishly is demanding for a homely man-her kind.

If you want to see real change oga, start from yourself, change your bad ways and friends, you know them and see your wife and home change.

I just created this alternate moniker to hide my identity.

My life is in shambles, I have little joy, broke with 3 kids and a wife who is actually supportive, loves me but is ignorant and incomprehensive. I believe I have develop thick skin to the challenges life has thrown at me. I still remain hopeful for a better life ahead. That's my effort in summarizing my issues.

Before I proceed, I am not a saint or anything near perfect. I am aware that Nairalanders have a penchant for doing more harm than good by dishing insults against reasonable advice or words of encouragement. Nonetheless, I will state my own issues to be fair to her so it will not be a one sided complain. I will expect bashing for my part of the troubles.

What I expect is to read helpful replies that can serve as encouragement since divorce is not an option for me.

I am not good in writing short stories so it will be long.

Dear OP,

Like you said, this is an alternate moniker and you have deactivated. I know you are reading through the thread with your main. Normally, I don't proffer advice on issues as this for some reasons. I just read and go. However, for yours, I have to switch from phone to laptop to enable me type what I hope won't be a too lengthy post but that will try to address your issues appropriately.

I can see you are in combative mode to some people's opinions already. However, I do hope you can go back and read their comments again. Not because you will feel attacked (yes, you will!) but because out of every 'nonsense', you will glean some sense. I am attending to this because I hope you are not here to get some sympathy, or rationalize what is happening in your home on your own part, but because you genuinely want a solution other than divorce.

See marriage is a union of two imperfect people who have found a way to tolerate, forgive, and make considerations for each other. You have been in this thing for 9 years. Do you see yourself continuing with this same situation for the next 20, 30, 40 years Obviously, something needs to give way. Sacrifices have to be made on both sides and I dare say it begins from you as THE MAN. If you are able to do the right things from this point on, you are assured of salvaging that happiness in your home. So let's begin with YOU (I will come to your wife's problem: ignorance and incomprehensibility).

First step to solving a problem is recognizing its existence and that it is a problem to you. You are the social guy and your wife is not. I believe her introverted nature has doused your energetic, exuberant lifestyle to some extent, which is to be expected. Marriage does that to us all. I have a friend who can't seem to stay home for 2 straight hours even in this lockdown. You feel she is trying to change/cage you by pulling you away from your friends. But when it really comes to it and you have to choose, who comes first: your immediate family or friends?

She asks you what to cook daily? I am sure you have had conversations around this before now and even arguments. You can do two things here:
1. Speak with her again. Have her cook whatever she is comfortable with. When she is cooking, she is doing so for the whole house, not just herself. That means even the few days she cooks what you don't like so much, you will manage to eat it. And for days you have special requests, you will let her know beforehand what your cravings are. Heck, this will take a whole lot of pressure off her
2. Sit together and prepare a food timetable, which can be reviewed every three or six months. This is a good fix to your problem now.

Women say a lot of things when they are upset though there are lines that should not be crossed, I think. In cases like that of your maid and sick son, when she's a bit calm, talk to her and let her know you feel hurt by those allegations and she should try to process before venting.

You really need to work on your hanging out late at night with friends. If you are really really serious about this, can you give your circle a month's break. I have been in a situation like this and I know how difficult it is to break off. But hey, remember sacrifices Now dedicate this one month to getting back your home, to getting things right, to spending quality time with your family. If you think of it, what do you stand to lose? Some bottles, flitting gists, flirts. These are not necessities you can't do without for one month.

Your wife comes home to meet you there with the kids. Your marriage reeks of lack of communication and play time. You spend more time talking to your wife and rediscovering yourselves. Remind yourself what made you fall in love with her in the first place, share funny memories, relive the moment. Do things together, sing together, bath together, heck spend some time helping her out in the kitchen. Just be there. She will notice the change.

Her nagging will reduce, trust me! There may be stress piling up from work for her. Things might have irked her. The least you can do is to be there, listen to her vent, let her ease the frustration by sharing with you. On the other hand, your not been there paints a picture of an unsupportive spouse who does not just care what she goes through nor appreciates her.

Need I say your unfaithful lifestyle has to stop! It's funny how you think you only cheated when you had a couple of sex outside marriage. I hate to judge, but because you need the truth, your messages to other ladies and calling them sweet endearing names is emotional cheating. You are well on your way. See, I get, as a married man, lots of ladies will be attracted to you (like the wedding band is a kind of magnet), but you have to be more responsible and know the limits. There are things you can no longer do as a married man (given the oath taken before God and before men to be faithful to your spouse). The attention is all cool and fans your ego as a man, but hey you are MARRIED. If your wife comes to you that she's had sex with a colleague from her office during this rough patch with you, I guess you won't be too excited about the news. Your claim your wife's driving you out to do these things by her attitude does not hold water. You don't cut off the head to cure the headache.

Please do not put yourself in compromising situations like you explained (which if you look closely, is related to hanging out with friends). Let these girls matter. When the chips are down, guess who will be there for you? YOUR WIFE! If you are clean, your phone will not be locked from your wife. Change, please. Let her see you are accountable and have nothing to hide. At least, that what marriage means to me.

Bros, you have been plain so far with the situation. I know you can do better than this in marriage. You can be a better man. We all can be better version of ourselves. Let's not entertain excuses why we can't be.

To your wife's issue (ignorant and incomprehensive), you know you can't totally change someone's personality (like you have resisted her changing yours). However, you can find ways to influence/condition her. If I may ask, what kind of work is she into? Asking because you mentioned she is not intuitive enough for your liking. Complement her, build her, look for ways to help her. If you don't, same issues will persist for many more years without solution until you help her out. Sometimes, you don't have to make these decisions for her directly. Just lead her through the thought process and let her figure things out on her own. With time, she will learn. These things can be learnt. What you have been giving her before now is the end product (the decision). Take her through the process, let her know how her mind should work as you want. And you have to be patient. You will not get the result in a day or a week.

I am sure from all these, you are able to see one or two actionable you want to work on. Truth is no marriage works. YOU make it work. YOU do the work.

Sorry for the epistle. Just want to cover as much of your issues as possible. If you need clarity, feel free to dm me, please. I pray your marriage works out and works well. Bless up!

PS: And uh, you need to really do something about your job situation urgently too. Can't go into that now (battery gone).

To be honest you're quite irresponsible and this is coming from a guy who doesn't really judge married guys who enjoy having a good time.
Considering that you're jobless, one would expect you manage your finances and focus more on getting life back on track. This should be a time for sober reflection.

You string girls along just for fun? A married man saying this? You have no iota of respect for your wife. Even if you are still playing the field which you shouldn't, you should be absolutely discreet and wipe out all traces.

Your wife is what she is to a large extent due to your lifestyle. You are acting like a man child. Try and change your lifestyle and see if she doesn't improve. If she doesn't, get back to us and we'll tell you how to put her in her place. Till then, you are disgracing married men. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands.

At 39, I expect better. This is the kind of thing I should hear from a 30 year old who just got married. I was not a saint at the beginning of my marriage, I'm still no saint now but I know my family comes first and when the chips are down, your wife and kids are the people to stand by you. It's best to invest in them now.

As per your wife, my wife also leaves the buying of clothes for my kids to me. She knows I have better taste and there is no crime in that. I follow her to buy her clothes as I know what fits her better, it's funny but true.
My wife asks my opinion about what to eat also but I usually tell her anything she likes as long as it doesn't not include food I dislike.
As for being absent minded, there is little you can do about it. You take up the responsibility of cautioning the kids or keeping your stuff securely.

My man, I'm not saying your wife has no faults but I think her faults are little compared to some crazies out there. I also feel she'll be a better person if you also change your ways and act responsibly.
Please, there is no issue too big in marriage to solve as long as both parties are willing to make effort.

Where are those people claiming that women don't divorce because they are jobless? I hope you have read this and seen for yourself. Most Nigerian working class women tolerate cheating men and abusive husband's because of societal discrimination. If this woman decides to divorce this man, people will judge her. It takes a very strong woman to walk away. I hope next generation of men and women will do better than what we have now.

Permit me to ask sir? which categories of friends do u keep? All I see are friends that subtract and divide From your life. Friends that are only interested in buying you drinks,pepper soup and keeping you out late in the night at bars.Not those interested in coming together to see what they can do to help you in terms of your joblessness. Now, let me ask you, if the table is turned around and you discovered your wife flirts with men and she claims to have nothing to do with them, what would be your reaction? Oga! pack well, you no try at all... Be humble and try to renew your ways. Then, you will have peace in your home. Shalom!

Cheif, you mean your wife goes to work early in the morning comes back to cook for you while you were all day idle at home. You leave her to go hang out with you your friends till around 12 to 1am?!!! And you are wondering why she shouts and nags every time you get back late?

Did it ever occur to you that she was worried about your safety and cares enough that you get back home before she can lock up the house and go to bed assured her family is safe. Do you know your selfishness will make her not get enough sleep cos she being the breadwinner of the house has to get up early, prepare the kids and go to work the next day. How do you think she can be productive?

See eh? I use to assume I was irresponsible because I secretly cheat on my wife with a side chick, though I provide, protect, encourage and care for her in every expected way, But I now realize that I'm only a back benching floor member in irresponsibility while you are the Exco president!

Perogbangba:
Permit me to ask sir? which categories of friends do u keep? All I see are friends that subtract and divide From your life. Friends that are only interested in buying you drinks,pepper soup and keeping you out late in the night at bars.Not those interested in coming together to see what they can do to help you in terms of your joblessness. Now, let me ask you, if the table is turned around and you discovered your wife flirts with men and she claims to have nothing to do with them, what would be your reaction? Oga! pack well, you no try at all... Be humble and try to renew your ways. Then, you will have peace in your home. Shalom!

matured advised. He should understand that those friends paying 4 drinks and hotels don't like him. His wife wants him 2 get back on his feet in order 2 help her drive the home. How can u be jobless and be keeping late night. I can't see myself outside home 7pm, unless trafic. Let op key to ur advise.

Sir, I also shared in some of the problems you're facing in your home, but your own case is a bit different from mine because, You are very lucky you have a working Wife.

Sir I think you are the architect of your own problem and I have my reasons

1: You have been married for 9yrs and yet, you don't Understand your Wife

2: You're married with 3 lovely Kids, yet you stay out till midnight in a beer parlour

3: You still keep friends your wife is not comfortable with.....

Solutions....

1: Try and see things from your wife's perspective, I understand she doesn't have a good sense of judgement, but Sir I think you can help her get better if only you can pay more attention to her....

2: Try all you can, to stop staying out in beer parlour till late night, Sir! "Ijakumo ki n rinde osan, Eni a biire ki n rinde Oru" Please try and spend more time with your family than Staying in that beer parlour, Infact now that you don't have a Job Is the best time for you to turn things around... Maybe the reason why you've never gotten a new Job is because God is waiting for you to correct your wrongs....

3: Try and Limit the Numbers of friends you have, expecially the ones your wife complained about, because I can't see any good friend, paying for hotel rooms for his married friend to have Sex with another woman. Moreso, when your woman keep warning you about a friend, definitely she's seeing something that you need to pay attention to....

Conclusion: Sir I know it's not easy with the kind of person you are, but try all you can to re- arrange your home, because you are the head of the House.... I pray that God will will give you the strength to do what is right and give you a better Job Soonest

Regards to your beautiful Wife, She's is a strong woman, Men Like Us are Very difficult to manage....

Peace......

piroux:


OP, you're being ridiculous. Can you just take your time to see how wrong your actions are?

Never before have I seen a thread on nairaland where everyone is unanimously agreed on a stance.

You're not right! You are wrong!! Very wrong!! And everyone is telling you!!

Your wife might not be perfect but you're a burden to her.

If you aren't careful, you'd be one of those fathers whose children don't talk to him in old age because he spent their early years in bars and having political arguments that had no bearing on his financial responsibilities.

Your family deserves more from you.

Thank you! Though the Op has deactivated his account, I am sure he is reading with his main account. This is the first I would be reading a thread where both men and women are on the page on here, which is very rare. Every one knows how toxic this forum can be when it comes to man and woman issue
But he kept going on and on about how "bad" she is, refusing to accept his wrongs. And the OP is full of excuses, someone suggested Uber, he came up with an excuse of not having 120k to fix the issues before the car can be Uber certified, How about the friends whom OP say buys him drink, offers to pay for hotel bookings, pay a girl to sleep with him raise the 120k for him if they truly have his best interest at heart as he paints them? The kind of company you keep as a family man/woman matters! Those ones are of no good to him. Would he allow all sorts of "harmless flirting" " Late night waka" from his wife? Op is dishing what he can't take.