baldman:
Dear Poster,

It is not quite clear why you posted this, but I will take it that you just wanted to rant, and perhaps scout for comments to justify your gross irresponsibilities. Luckily for you, your post will attract some hard truths from the good men and women in this community, and I am hoping you will look beyond the abuses and just learn as people objectively tell you the truths about yourself which you have failed to acknowledge. As I already hinted, you are a grossly irresponsible married man, and in all honesty, I doubt if you could be a good father in the real sense of the word. You come home late, you drink, you chastise your wife in the presence of your house girl and children, you do everything to pull her down, and you indeed tried to convince us that this very real woman is some retard that you did the favour of marriage. I want you to imagine the scenario in your home as you painted in your post, and transform it into a Nollywood movie, how will you judge your own character? You are definitely not the victim, your wife is the victim. She married a man that is self-absorbed, and needed a mumu wife. You loved the fact that she deferred to you and you had to provide leadership in all aspects, but that became a burden in marriage and you became irritable because of it. The truth is that when you marry a woman, you marry the whole package that she represents, and your responsibility is to build her up, first with your mouth, then with your action, patient guardians, and also by providing support. I am sure having the house maid has helped greatly to ameliorate some of her incompetences. Your responsibility is to help her, build her up, and for God sake, be faithful to her. Your woman is a rarity, you have been jobless, irresponsible, unfaithful, unaccountable and your judgments have been poor, honestly, you made some money and you just paid up your debt and start accruing afresh, what happened to using some or all of that money to start something? Most of your wife's behaviours are in reaction to your unfaithfulness and illicit affairs. It is your wife that we should be begging not to dissolve you, that woman will do well without you and the risk of STDS which you represent. You have been breaking her heart with all those chats that you think you are having for fun. Did you expect her to be falling in love with you, or be recovering from her alleged madness while you are doing those things? My words may be harsh but imagine your wife is your daughter and all you have said is coming from a son in law?
I agree with you that it is likely that the kind of life you are leading may be responsible for your ill-luck and I want to implore you to retrace your step, move closer to God, love your wife as christ loves the church as implored by the bible, and begin to live a decent life. You also need to change your friends immediately; they can get girls and hotels for you, they can buy beer for you, they can give you some occasional bail out, but they cannot help with money for you to start something constructive, they are no good friends. If you continue the way you are leading your life, that 'useless' woman will one day realize that she can live without you.

Maybe you skimmed but its pretty obvious what i expected and am not surprised getting it.

The difference between me and most men is that i have the desire to make it right but the kind of people I see, they will make me look like a saint.

"Chastised my wife in front of the maid", where is this coming from please?

I tried to describe my situation but the salt, maggi and onions you added is on you.

Baba you are the problem here. You are married stop having flings, keeping late nights and flirting.
If the table turned and you see such messages on her phone, will you congratulate her?
I think the ultimate rule in marriage is treat the other how you love to be treated.

If you see a chat of your wife calling her ex sweetie how will you feel? Most times we cannot take what we dish out.

With all the Epistles you've written from your own view your wife's not wrong. So what does that tell you?

IdiAminDada:


Yes i have cheated but not like regularly as you think. Last time, its like over a yr ago. I do make serious effort not to cheat but when ever I rebuff girls and return home, i feel like going back to where i came from.

I hate chatting, when i do, its usually a new contact and will not last a week. I dont make long calls either. Even my male friends quarrel me for not effort in calling. So i never spend anytime at all with any girl nor spend any money on girls. All these are in her head.

Its hard to sit and talk things when she misunderstands and take things personal. My sisters and my parents will change to language when she is around to avoid her issues but the next thing is she assumes they are talking about her. My family is careful talking around her cause she will turn issues upside down.

Ok- so you occasional cheat? the last time was 1 year ago? and she should just shrug it off and dedicate her life to someone like you? you realize that being unfaithful to your wife ONCE is good reason for her to leave you for good? its men like you that go outside, get STDs and then infect your wife then blame her for being unfaithful

As you can see from the lack of sympathy here- from both male and female responders- na YOU wey get problem. Abeg go to the village, make they wash your head because only God knows the curse that is worrying you that is causing you to be so useless to your family.

Count yourself lucky that she is indecisive, if not she should have left your irresponsible entitled self since so you can go and live in the bar with your irresponsible friends and lousy drunk girls

Bro, you tried for pointing out some of your bad side too. No matter how tolerant a woman or man is, it is never possible to tolerate having chats/calls with opposite sex that is known to be either ex/side chicks. I am not here to blame you for the whole scenario but you still carry the major blame as the father. You are a smart cheater who never sees it as a problem, you do not want to see yourself as a cheater n desist from it. your wife is even trying to stand as a bread winner this time cus many women will never do, they will assume you spend your money on side chicks when you were doing well. You stay at bar up untill 1am bro, that is terrible too as a married man even if you married a social woman those hours are odd.
I do not see serious issues in this your home, it is just a mere lack of acceptance and rediscovery, it is never possible to have a good partner without been a team player. You complained about her not been a social woman, she can not buy her clothes and all that, you probably know some of these before agreeing to marry her, all those ones are just excuses to score more marks.

My opinion sir
1) You need to reduce(stop) those chats/calls with side chicks or do it in a way she wouldn't know of it because that is one of the reasons why you are not having the best of your wife at home. She sees you as a cheater and she is not happy about it..... You are the only one who knows you are not sleeping with them ( beside, must you sleep with them before it is called cheat)
2) Control the way you socialise too, a decent married man does things with limit especially you that married someone that is not into such lifestyle.
3) stop coming home late, she came back and needs to gist with you to ease off stress. Going out n return late cus of her shows you are running from your problem and it is not a solution. Stay back home and relate with her
4) have good time to communicate positively and not arguments
5) Let change begins with you and see how things goes.

It is never possible to have a perfect partner, work together to have good home.... Let your 40s upwards be peaceful bro.

May God save us from men like this OP, amen.
If this same woman decides to leave your lazy ass now, we will read stories like "my wife left me because I lost my job", you are too much of a liability even to yourself.

yvelchstores:
Sir, you are very wrong for coming home late from the bar.
You are very wrong for chatting up girls and doing every annoying thing a man can do to his wife. I am sorry to say this, but you need to be more responsible.

The 18 years old maid, let me not even go there, u and I know that part. For the girl to insult your wife, u know why.

You said it yourself, your wife has a good or should I say baby heart(who keeps an 18 years old maid with a stay at home husband and goes to work everyday?) , don't take advantage of the woman. God bless you.

You might wanna not that when i said i sometimes come home 12-1am, it doesn't mean it happened up to 5 times. My usual time is 10p max. I like to watch Channels news that time. So what i am talking about is saying the topic in that bar was politics and it got really interesting at the time you normal would leave, does it mean i have no right to stay back and listen or participate.

The girl never insulted my wife but my wife did and the girl replied, replied as in disagreed. My wife interpreted as the girl was talking back at her an and my slapped her. I didnt say anything or do anything.

I cant remember what it was actually that my wife said, something think like "you are a prostitute" and the girl replied "i am not a prostitute" then my wife slapped her for replying. In this example the girl is not a prostitute so why call her a prostitute? The slap her when you say i am not.

She came to the house at 12yrs old and we have treated her like our daughter.

doitforyou:

You only want comments that feel sorry for you and bash your wife. These are the type of comments you need if you’re still interested in your marriage. They give you a perspective that’s close to your wife’s. Your wife might not be a saint, but her reactions to your late nights and philandering ways are not irrational and you should listen.

Even a single sentence you still managed to misunderstand it.

The only advice you need is for your wife to do everything you’re doing while you reverse roles with her. See how you like it.
If you don’t like it, then that your answer.
Change your ways.

As for your wife, I hope she can be nicer to that maid. The maid is not the reason for your irresponsibility. I don’t like it when women tolerate nonsense from their men and then take it out on innocent kids staying with them.

Oga pls stop chatting these ladies ... Lead her on ko lead her on ni ....

I think you are not taking certain things serious in your marriage and it is getting on your wife, ure just trying to paint her bad but in reality urz is quite worse ....


Pls delete those charts, be serious with ur wife alone and get something doing no matter how small it is. An idle man is a devil workshop.

Also, seems you like flashy things and a big spender. Infact ure like a man that cant bring him self down to start small.

Go home and ask her to list things she dont want you to do and adhere to them, surely, you will see differences !!!

IdiAminDada:


Even a single sentence you still managed to misunderstand it.

Okayyy. Hang tight, your cheerleading squad will appear soon.

doitforyou:

The more you type, the more it’s obvious your wife is the victim here. So you cheat and flirt but it’s all in her head??

You’re in a bad place and whatever you’re doing to cope, is hurting your family.

So I cheated, i deserve to die or what exactly do you mean. My wife deserves to call every female contact in my phone insulting them.

The one who i cheated with is saved "Office".

My wife ended up calling
Blessing, Esther, Ruth, Linda, and even my first cousin nicknamed "finegirl" insulting them of trying to snatch her husband!

Oh my God


Your narcissism alone is upseting my digested dinner, can you even listen to yourself?

Everyday I pray to God that I never end up with a psychopath like you

IdiAminDada:


Yes i have cheated but not like regularly as you think. Last time, its like over a yr ago.

I hate chatting, when i do, its usually a new contact and will not last a week. I dont make long calls either. Even my male friends quarrel me for not effort in calling. So i never spend anytime at all with any girl nor spend any money on girls. All these are in her head.

NoToPile:
I like the fact that you are honest in your writeup, at least you told us your short comings.


Stop the late nights
Stop the flirting/cheating
Stop being irresponsible

Thanks

Amanee:
Oh my God


Your narcissism alone is upseting my digested dinner, can you even listen to yourself?

Everyday I pray to God that I never end up with a psychopath like you

Tell me honestly, you really preferred if i didn't say I cheated even when the truth is that i did. I did, does not mean, I am doing or I will do it again and again and again.

Why are Nigerians so disapproving of truths.

I am beginning to realize the true essence of this thread. It is to get comments that understand the problem and abuse me or tell me the right thing as an encouragement.

I will not know what to do with your post.

OP, to be honest, u are a married man, some of the things you said in there, I was even shocked myself. And I do not see the reason why your father in law feel that u are right. Or maybe he was blinded by the fact that u settled his debts.

I understand that your wife got her issues. But if u see nothing wrong with a married man being outside his home @ 12am, 1am in the morning, I do. No matter how harmless the chilling with your buddies might be.

U don't wanna divorce her but how about the kids u were sacrificing your happiness. If for example they were sleeping at night, fire breaks out or armed robber came to attack and u were out side chilling with friends. Have you thought of that?

You might be thinking that u were not cheating because there was no sex involved but there are lots of sexual contacts involved. Please Bro, act like a married man and also start submitting CVs. It is not too late to salvage your marriage.

Ochiban:


Ok- so you occasional cheat? the last time was 1 year ago? and she should just shrug it off and dedicate her life to someone like you? you realize that being unfaithful to your wife ONCE is good reason for her to leave you for good? its men< like you that go outside, get STDs and then infect your wife then blame her for being unfaithful

As you can see from the lack of sympathy here- from both male and female responders- na YOU wey get problem. Abeg go to the village, make they wash your head because only God knows the curse that is worrying you that is causing you to be so useless to your family.

What should I do when the thing thing that happened happened.

Hope you read that I contemplated divorce myself?

@bold, no you don’t.

But your posts depict that you’re not sorry for it and you’re still blaming her for your actions.

So..

IdiAminDada:


So I cheated, i deserve to die or what exactly do you mean. My wife deserves to call every female contact in my phone insulting them.

The one who i cheated with is saved "Office".

My wife ended up calling
Blessing, Esther, Ruth, Linda, and even my first cousin nicknamed "finegirl" insulting them of trying to snatch her husband!

IdiAminDada:


Even a single sentence you still managed to misunderstand it.

She didn't misunderstand anything.She is a woman who indirectly supports your wifes actions.
Baba,your marriage is dead.Your wife will never change her mentality/character.Either learn to live with it or get a divorce

Only reading your side of the whole thing sef is enough to know how manipulative and corny you are as a man,stop torturing your wife emotionally and psycologically and still playing the victim.Your wife is a very good woman,it is your attitude that is turning her into what she has become.Start by identifying your fault and making adjustments and watch your wife stay calm with you.You are married,please stay married and stop wandering about

cococandy:
@bold, no you don’t.

But your posts depict that you’re not sorry for it and you’re still blaming her for your actions.

So..

Blaming her for my actions, no way. I blame her for making me want to divorce. These are two separate things.

What is the title of the thread?

You think I am happy?

Hell, I am strolling out right now, there countless of girls I could call now and sleep with and return home in 30mins.

Am I going to do it, hell no! Since the lockdown, there was a girl that has been asking my friend after me. I heard and voice yesterday at the bar, I took off immediately.

If want to fvck, do you think I will be run when I heard her voice? That life is not me. I slipped once or twice but its not what I want to do like 95% of the posters here suggest. A lot people in Nigeria today take this misunderstanding thing too far. I am battling one at home and its a general problem here on NL. I hate to misunderstood but you can't avoid it on NL.

If you meet my friends, they will tell you I am the different one, the good guy that returns to his wife. A friend of mine easily gets drunk, I thought him how to control his drinking since he notice I am the 1st to stand up and go. They laugh and make jest of me but I still stand up leave them and go home. I open the door, insults. Then I feel like going back to doing what she actually thinks am doing or coming from, but its not me so even if she pushes me, I will not do what I don't want to do.

The only reason I am posting here and not talking to her about it is that her reaction will be totally different from what you will expect if I sit her down to confess and clear things up. Its not as if she will not forgive, but that will become a daily keynote and she will not move on from there.

I wrote a lot of things but the only thing everyone sees is that I cheated. It kind of pushes everything to the background but does it really?

Dear OP,

For the first time since i have been reading on nairaland since 2012, this is the VERY first time everyone in a thread unanimously agree that one person is wrong even when they ve not heard from the other party. If I were u I would sit down and read through the comments to learn and correct my mistakes, If pride will allow u

Google the word Narcissistic Man, read up several definitions and if u find any difference from the definitions and your true self, then the problem may lead u to a life of regret.

Having said that, the issue of cheating, late nights has been overflogged, he who has ears, let him hear. If these things are more important are more important to you than your wife and keeping your home, it is your choice to determine which u need .

2 years without a job, this woman has been struggling managing home and work to make sure the home is kep intact, and after a hard day's job, she comes home and meets u it empty, i say empty because i did not see in any of your post were u showed appreciatiom to your wife ,i wonder if u realise she is still a woman that needa affection and care

You have said it all, the life u know u re leading may end u if u dont end it, u re 39 with grey hairs, watch it bro. Life is slipping away from you because u love chasing shadows, no one ever caught kept a shadow, it comes and goes.watch it
In case u dont know, ur wife is right in her actions because have offended her spirit ,u re breaking her with your IRRESPONSIBLE LIFESTYLE, and every woman has a breaking point, if she gets there, u will live with regrets

My advise, first seek her forgiveness genuinely, go on your knees and beg for it.
U see all those side chicks cut them off, whatever it takes u to learn to have a conversation with ur wife, do it, " a simple ,genuine how did u manage with work today" will set the tone.
Thirdly, rather than looking fo who to hang out with till 10pm, help in the house with the kids, thia woman will come back late fromwork, help her, she needs it, bath ur kids, clothe them, they are not just kids to take out, feed them.do homework . Let the friends wait till u have sorted ur home.FYI after u leave the beer parlour, they go home to their wives and laugh at your situation

Lastly, invest time in taking her to the places she likes to go and do things with her, call her the petnames u call those things u call side chick and watch things change

You have the solution to your home in your hands , if u like make it work, if you like , destroy it. Just watch it bro, u re too young to live such a life of waste

Okay.

1) But you’re still talking about all the other options that you could be indulging in but are not. And you’re sounding like that’s special because you’re not doing it.
what you’re doing by not calling up one of your countless side pieces right now is the basic requirement. it’s not something that gives you a pat on the back.

2)The fact that you even have countless numbers on your phone that you can call if you need quick random 30 mins sex says all there is to know. unless you and her are in an open marriage where such is allowed for both parties, you do not have any defense for your action.

3)May I ask what you contribute to the family?
You said she has a maid, so I’m guessing between both of them the domestic aspect is covered.

4) Also can you find new friends? Or limit your interactions with these ones? Friends that keep late nights like that and don’t inspire you to do better for yourself can’t be good for you given your current situation.

5) the fact that you return home after your shenanigans doesn’t make you a good guy. There’s more to being a good person than what you do or don’t do with your genitalîa. Why do some men think that staying married to a woman is a favor to her? Women often get told to overlook very bad behavior because “after everything he comes back to you” . No that’s not a consolation and that’s not a substitute for commitment and loyalty.

IdiAminDada:


Blaming her for my actions, no way. I blame her for making me want to divorce. These are two separate things.

What is the title of the thread?

You think I am happy?

Hell, I am strolling out right now, there countless of girls I could call now and sleep with and return home in 30mins.

Am I going to do it, hell no! Since the lockdown, there was a girl that has been asking my friend after me. I heard and voice yesterday at the bar, I took off immediately.

If want to fvck, do you think I will be run when I heard her voice? That life is not me. I slipped once or twice but its not what I want to do like 95% of the posters here suggest. A lot people in Nigeria today take this misunderstanding thing too far. I am battling one at home and its a general problem here on NL. I hate to misunderstood but you can't avoid it on NL.

If you meet my friends, they will tell you I am the different one, the good guy that returns to his wife. A friend of mine easily gets drunk, I thought him how to control his drinking since he notice I am the 1st to stand up and go. They laugh and make jest of me but I still stand up leave them and go home. I open the door, insults. Then I feel like going back to doing what she actually thinks am doing or coming from, but its not me so even if she pushes me, I will not do what I don't want to do.

The only reason I am posting here and not talking to her about it is that her reaction will be totally different from what you will expect if I sit her down to confess and clear things up. Its not as if she will not forgive, but that will become a daily keynote and she will not move on from there.

I wrote a lot of things but the only thing everyone sees is that I cheated. It kind of pushes everything to the background but does it really?

BetWinners:

She didn't misunderstand anything.She is a woman who indirectly supports your wifes actions.
Baba,your marriage is dead.Your wife will never change her mentality/character.Either learn to live with it or get a divorce

Exactly what I said, I am living with it even though not happy.

I have noticed a trend in most jobless married men, they always feel entitled, everything they do, say, or behave is their right and it should be accepted wholeheartedly,

This guy came here and said all his cheating ways, late nights and his flirtatious habit, he even had the guts to name girls he calls in his wife's presence "honey, sweetie, my love" etc and he expects his wife to not react but understand, the nerve, the disrespect, but he still feel there is nothing wrong with it, da hell!!!

Your wife is a good woman, with all the things you did, her reaction is just nagging, haaa she is a virtuous woman, she is a woman after God's heart, she sees lipstick, cum, ear ring, irritating chats and her reaction is just shouts and insults, thank your stars, if we were in the time of the Old testament and you did all this, even God would have strike you dead since, but now na grace, the Almighty dey look you,

Change your ways, you are pushing your wife to her breaking point, she will soon exceed her limit and show you her red eyes, change your ways and be a good husband, and see if God wouldn't turn your situation around and bless you.

Biglittlelois:
I have noticed a trend in most jobless married men, they always feel entitled, everything they do, say, or behave is their right and it should be accepted wholeheartedly,

This guy came here and said all his cheating ways, late nights and his flirtatious habit, he even had the guts to name girls he calls in his wife's presence honey, sweetie, my love etc and he expects his wife to not react but understand, the nerve, the disrespect, but he still feel thee is nothing wrong with it, da hell!!!

Your wife is a good woman, with all the things you did, her reaction is just nagging, haaa she is a virtuous woman, she is a woman after God's heart, she seetthat lipstick, cum, ear ring, irritating chats and her reaction is just shouts and insults, thank your stars, if we were in the time of the Old testament and you did all this, God would have strike you dead since, but now na grace, the Almighty dey look you,

Change your ways, you are pushing your wife to her breaking point, she will soon exceed her limit and show you her red eyes, change your ways and be a good husband, and see if God wouldn't turn your situation around and bless you.

The issues here is that this man doesn't see anything wrong in anything he's doing,hes a very selfish man and very manipulative.My heart goes out to his wife.

IdiAminDada:


Blaming her for my actions, no way. I blame her for making me want to divorce. These are two separate things.

What is the title of the thread?

You think I am happy?

Hell, I am strolling out right now, there countless of girls I could call now and sleep with and return home in 30mins.

Am I going to do it, hell no! Since the lockdown, there was a girl that has been asking my friend after me. I heard and voice yesterday at the bar, I took off immediately.

If want to fvck, do you think I will be run when I heard her voice? That life is not me. I slipped once or twice but its not what I want to do like 95% of the posters here suggest. A lot people in Nigeria today take this misunderstanding thing too far. I am battling one at home and its a general problem here on NL. I hate to misunderstood but you can't avoid it on NL.

If you meet my friends, they will tell you I am the different one, the good guy that returns to his wife. A friend of mine easily gets drunk, I thought him how to control his drinking since he notice I am the 1st to stand up and go. They laugh and make jest of me but I still stand up leave them and go home. I open the door, insults. Then I feel like going back to doing what she actually thinks am doing or coming from, but its not me so even if she pushes me, I will not do what I don't want to do.

The only reason I am posting here and not talking to her about it is that her reaction will be totally different from what you will expect if I sit her down to confess and clear things up. Its not as if she will not forgive, but that will become a daily keynote and she will not move on from there.

I wrote a lot of things but the only thing everyone sees is that I cheated. It kind of pushes everything to the background but does it really?

my own problem no be d cheating. "No be only u keee Jesus,we plenty for here" I pray u get something doing, so ur woman no go make d house so uncomfortable for u ,

Richy4:
OP, to be honest, u are a married man, some of the things you said in there, I was even shocked myself. And I do not see the reason why your father in law feel that u are right. Or maybe he was blinded by the fact that u settled his debts.

I understand that your wife got her issues. But if u see nothing wrong with a married man being outside his home @ 12am, 1am in the morning, I do. No matter how harmless the chilling with your buddies might be.

U don't wanna divorce her but how about the kids u were sacrificing your happiness. If for example they were sleeping at night, fire breaks out or armed robber came to attack and u were out side chilling with friends. Have you thought of that?

You might be thinking that u were not cheating because there was no sex involved but there are lots of sexual contacts involved. Please Bro, act like a married man and also start submitting CVs. It is not too late to salvage your marriage.

If your wife grabbed you by your balls because you came home late thinking you slept with someone outside but your conscience is clear nothing of such happened, what will be your reaction. Let her continue to squeeze your balls.

When she went home and narrated what happened that made the father summon me, she didn't tell him she held me by my balls. When I told him, what do you expect him to feel?

You expect him to say, holding you balls is nothing it is coming back by 12mid night that is the problem.

Her anger was that i slept with someone to have come back home that time. Did i sleep with someone?

Funny enough, that very night, I called her to tell her I will be late. I had a very good reason to be late but not she grabbed my balls.

drmikeadams:


my own problem no be d cheating. "No be only u keee Jesus,we plenty for here" I pray u get something doing, so ur woman no go make d house so uncomfortable for u ,

And they have arrived.....