jennykadry:

True, and a caring one at that

@Uju

This poster's case all revolved around greed like ify said, her prayers got answered, she got a man who cares for and loves her, and what does she wanna do?leave him for another who wasn't there for her. I keep asking this one question: What would she have done if her ex didn't turn up?" she keeps saying her ex proposed to her the same time she's planning her wedding to her hubby, this poster fails to understand that she is "legally married already" so her ex proposing to her now is like taking her off her husband,and if she chooses to leave her husband she has to go through some divorce proceedings(I stand to be corrected) to get off her marital state right now

She is so naive and I tell you why

1. She thinks trad wedding isn't strong enough or better still she thinks she isn't legally married yet cos of no wedding, so she can always walk out on the man.

2. She has to realise that to get out of her husbands home, she needs to go through the law and only God knows how long that one will take, if she goes ahead to cheat on her husband, he  has a right to take up a legal case(thats if trad wedding is recognised in nigeria) and accuse her of infidelity

Obviously she and her ex are both dumb, else they will know what they are going into

I don't see the pressure true true

Jenny, I've seen numerous cases where either the man or woman walked out of a traditional marriage. The only thing involved is returning the bride price paid. This is clearly different from a legal union which has to go through a complicated divorce proceeding.

In some families, especially christian ones, after trad. the bride still stays with her family till the wedding (mine is a case study).

You have to understand something, the lady is naturally a weak woman and like you said, naive . . . else she won't be so easily swayed. But I don't know if she meant to be selfish in her actions or if she was influenced, pushed and pressured into it.

Her husband's actions were equally selfish . . . he desperately wanted to marry her that he literally pushed her into an early marriage in a bid to 'secure' her before the ex comes back for her. What kind of man does that? 

Isn't trad wedding recognised by the customary law/court?

Ujujoan:

Her husband's actions were equally selfish . . . he desperately wanted to marry her that he literally pushed her into an early marriage in a bid to 'secure' her before the ex comes back for her. What kind of man does that? 

4. simple questions


Would he have married her if she did not "give him the green light"?

Did he put a gun to her head and dragged her to the altar?

When he proposed why didn't she say no?

Why has she been telling him she loves him when she really doesn't?


These poster actually wanted to use her hubby to getaway from town , that my dear Uju Is selfish and wicked.

Uju call the hubby selfish, but I don't see that, I have had desperate men come to me in my uni days proposing marriage, I and if I had said yes to any of them, then they definitely would have rushed the marriage/wedding. Yes because her hubby wanted her , he proposed to her, she had the choice to say Yes/NO

Uju for heaven's sake they both planned the trad marriage together, they both chose the date.

jennykadry:

Isn't trad wedding recognized by the customary law/court?

Customary courts don't handle divorce cases (I think) . . . they are mainly for communal disputes and all that wahala. A Traditional marriage is not binding in a law court (I think).  

If she wasn't ready for marriage, she would have told him that she was fine with the courtship for "now" .

My point is: they wouldn't have been an marriage if the poster did not agree to it

jennykadry:

4. simple questions


Would he have married her if she did not "give him the green light"?

Did he put a gun to her head and dragged her to the altar?

When he proposed why didn't she say no?

Why has she been telling him she loves him when she really doesn't?


These poster actually wanted to use her hubby to getaway from town , that my dear Uju Is selfish and wicked.

Uju call the hubby selfish, but I don't see that, I have had desperate men come to me in my uni days proposing marriage, I and if I had said yes to any of them, then they definitely would have rushed the marriage/wedding. Yes because her hubby wanted her , he proposed to her, she had the choice to say Yes/NO

Uju for heaven's sake they both planned the trad marriage together, they both chose the date.

She's a lady who was influenced by circumstance to make  a choice she ordinarily wouldn't have made. The man himself knew he was a second choice and could have been kicked out any day. He went into the marriage knowing the risks . .  he shares some responsibility in this too.

PS: I just confirmed (from a lawyer) the only thing required to break a traditional marriage is to return everything presented by the man's family.  

jennykadry:

If she wasn't ready for marriage, she would have told him that she was fine with the courtship for "now" .

My point is: they wouldn't have been an marriage if the poster did not agree to it

Honestly, if she's a woman in her mid/late 30s, then she doesn't really have that much time to 'decide' . . . especially is he thinks the man she wants is never coming back.

I know because a similar thing happened to me . . . but unlike this poster, I didn't rush into marriage. But if I were pushing 30, I probably would have!

Ujujoan:


PS: I just confirmed (from a lawyer) the only thing required to break a traditional marriage is to return everything presented by the man's family.  

Thanks, I have always wondered u know.

I know because a similar thing happened to me . . . but unlike this poster, I didn't rush into marriage. But if I were pushing 30, I probably would have!

Ok, so if you were 30 you would have rushed into the marriage and rushed out after trad wedding because an ex came back into your life?

Ujujoan:

She's a lady who was influenced by circumstance to make  a choice she ordinarily wouldn't have made. The man himself knew he was a second choice and could have been kicked out any day. He went into the marriage knowing the risks . .  he shares some responsibility in this too.

No circumstances should make a woman pretend to be so into a relationship when she isn't, Her husband got told everyday by his wife that she loves him which isn't true, that enough can make him think she's gotten over her ex.

Uju no woman should play with emotions like that no matter what. When I do things, I always put myself into people's shoes , you and I wouldn't be happy if our hubbys left us for their  ex.

jennykadry:

Thanks, I have always wondered u know.

Ok, so if you were 30 you would have rushed into the marriage and rushed out after trad wedding because an ex came back into your life?

Lol    

I'm just saying I 'might' have been swayed at that point when he was pushing to get married immediately (knowing I was still in love with someone else oooo). And if I married him then and my ex came back, I'll definitely be tempted to leave - even if I might not have the heart to do that!      

But I stood my ground because I wasn't desperate to get married and time was on my side. And because I didn't want to marry a man, knowing I could have preferred to be with someone else. I decided to give myself time to know if I could develop strong feelings for him and if I'll be happy as his wife. That way, even if the ex came back, I'll be able to say 'no, I love my husband' . . .  

pls how old are you & you are sure to get/be married? i sincerely believe that during your traditional marriage there were a lot of smiles & jubilation from both of you and members of your families, in that case i suggest you settle down with whom you have gotten married to (traditionally),b/cos before the sudden emergence of your so called childhood lover's decision on your life, a decision has already been taken by someone else and some level of LOVE has been deposited to this guy, which prompted the both of you going into marriage decision taking/arrangement, baby pls be yourself, do not turn your destiny into a domestic prostitution without a decision of emotional direction/control over your life FOR JUST ONE MAN seek!, think baby.

jennykadry:

No circumstances should make a woman pretend to be so into a relationship when she isn't, Her husband got told everyday by his wife that she loves him which isn't true, that enough can make him think she's gotten over her ex.

Jenny, you can only say that if you are a single woman pushing 40 and your friends are close to having grand children!    

Uju no woman should play with emotions like that no matter what. When I do things, I always put myself into people's shoes , you and I wouldn't be happy if our hubbys left us for their  ex.

Like I said, the man knew the risks involved which is why he took the fire brigade approach! Truly she did play with the man's emotions but I don't think she intended to!

Ujujoan:

Jenny, you can only say that if you are a single woman pushing 40 and your friends are close to having grand children!    

Like I said, the man knew the risks involved which is why he took the fire brigade approach! Truly she did play with the man's emotions but I don't think she intended to!

Lol true, desperation can make one do silly things, but the question is: how do we know age had a hand in all of these?

Uju she chose that part, she has made her bed, she has to lie on it and forget about her ex

She cannot think about her own desires alone

The more i read her story, the more I think this poster is dumb, no offense

How can she date a man for 15yrs? is she nuts? which sane woman will date a man for 15 yrs?if the man wasn't ready for marriage in the whole 15 yrs, how is she so sure he'll be ready now

I hope her hubby isn't a blessing in disguise.

jennykadry:

The more i read her story, the more I think this poster is dumb, no offense

How can she date a man for 15yrs? is she nuts? which sane woman will date a man for 15 yrs? if the man wasn't ready for marriage in the whole 15 yrs, how is she so sure he'll be ready now

I hope her hubby isn't a blessing in disguise.

The thing dey tire me oh!

My cousin has been with her bf since 1998 - 13yrs now . . They are both in their mid 30s. My cousin is a banker and the guy is a lawyer. They are 'planning' to get married. The guy has expressed his intentions to the family years ago and they are still dating even as we speak!

Personally I think it's silly, but yea, love can be that way!

I tell you, my cousin has turned down numerous suitors cos of this guy. Me sha, I no go do am!

Ladies = caring, gift and love! I believe she knows she is married. What are these traditional and church weddings? Traditional marriage means you are husband and wife. White one is just icing on the cake.

I've this kinda situation, she said I should be on hold and if and when she sees the other guy as not the missing rib, she will activate me. Hahahha.Na network relationship be now!

The husband should divorce her and that will let her marry her childhood pal. I don't know why men force themselves on a woman as if she no be wahala enuf.

My cousin has been with her bf since 1998 - 13yrs now . . They are both in their mid 30s. My cousin is a banker and the guy is a lawyer. They are 'planning' to get married. The guy has expressed his intentions to the family years ago . what are they still waiting for? tomorrow she will discover her old date abi, ?

Ujujoan:

The thing dey tire me oh!

My cousin has been with her bf since 1998 - 13yrs now . . They are both in their mid 30s. My cousin is a banker and the guy is a lawyer. They are 'planning' to get married. The guy has expressed his intentions to the family years ago and they are still dating even as we speak!

Personally I think it's silly, but yea, love can be that way!

I tell you, my cousin has turned down numerous suitors cos of this guy. Me sha, I no go do am!

13 years? are you kidding me, It won't work for me that likes changing men like gstring panties JK

They should just go to the registry and sign one marriage certificate jare, wetin remain again.

jennykadry:

13 years? are you kidding me, It won't work for me that likes changing men like gstring panties JK

They should just go to the registry and sign one marriage certificate jare, wetin remain again.

Lol . .

Honestly, I've wondered why but I just can't find the right answer. They said this year will be their year sha . . . we are waiting eagerly!

Have we considered that this woman actually lied and deceived this man into marrying her?

Before a man wld marry you, You must have told him that you loved him, when you actually didnt.

I can imagine if a guy was the one who told a girl he loved her, went into a traditional marriage with her and now came online to tell people that he still has affections for his ex and he is considering it.

I wonder how many of these women would have nice words for him.

With Naija women, You never know

@OP-

whatever you decide, make sure you take the advice of people like mrcongo and make that decision ALL BY YOURSELF. be sure you are comfortable and can live with the decision you make, because you stand a chance to lose big here.
please know that if you decide to stay with your husband, he may turn around and leave you because of all this drama, and please know if you decide to leave your husband, there is no guarantee that your ex will marry you. so again i say, MAKE SURE YOU CAN LIVE WITH THE DECISION YOU MAKE, because each have consequences that you cannot necessarily predict. you can only control yourself and your actions; no one else's.
personally, i think all 3 of you are insane. i'm not sure what man would marry someone he knows doesn't love him, what kind of woman would wait until after the trad to consider jumping ship on the marriage, and what kind of man would wait all this time to come play superman and swoop in to "save" his princess from a lifetime of grief.
but whatever you decide, you better make sure it's your decision and neither side influences you so that 10 years from now you can say, "yes i made this decision and it was the right one for me."
good luck.

VeraDove:

My childh is only saying that i should get into marriage with a sound mind to who ever i choose. He is not even refering to himself. The only thing he said is that my husb knows that I don't love him although we say we do, for saying sake, which is strang, yet he married me. my childh mean well for me, If he had wanted, he would  have convienced me to pull out. yet he never did or have not yet done that.

Lady,

How is everything?  What happened since?  Why did it take your beloved 15 yrs to propose?  Were you teenagers when you met?  Please come back and tell us if you called off your white wedding and went back with the ex.
      If your ex is telling you your husband knows you don't love him, he's trying to tell you it is okay to pull out of the wedding and come back to him.  Why is that so difficult to understand?

::Have a headache after trying to understand this dilemma::

@NL, I wonder the kind of advice you ppl r giving here, from my own experience as a married man.
She does not need all d stories. She is already married for christ sake, white or no white. Traditional marriage is d most legit, cos that's were d bride price was paid. What advice does vera need again. Y would you allow someone to propose to you for d second time when you already have wedding arrangements going on.

If you dated ur school lover for 15 good years and ended d relationship to marry another man due to slight misunderstanding, to me it means you never really love him. If you do love him, dis will not b d only time in ur relationship that you ever had misunderstanding, you should be able to know from his emotions if he truly care or not, for 15yrs you can not tell if ur lover is still caring,
You need divine direction to overcome this situation.


Ur married I bet you better stay were ur, or else you will regret whatever plans you going to make as regards to ur ex.

well, I know if you've not been there it will seem so easy to pass judgement.
If you get yourself trap in the love triangle of the past, it will be very difficult to disentangle oneself.
Nobody knows what the future potents for us all and so, whatever decision we make now we take the responsibility of the consequences.

In this country, traditional marriage is binding and should be respected.
But, if for any reason whatsoever you wish to quit, return the bride price.
This can be done with the consent of both families.

So,poster make a decision and take responsibility.

I wanna know, why do you think these men want you so badly. Have you got any nice attitude of some kind or the beauty of Cinderella? In fact you dey enjoy ooo, Only you, two men. I have 2 kins who are about 40 years old and still living with pop.

Well my advice: GO TO YOUR EX.

I toke my time to read all comments made by various people here and I must stay that I've learnt alot. Experience they say is the best teacher and I've also learnt that it is easy for one to sit on a computer and type away what he/she feels is right and the best. @poster. . . I feel your pains because anyone can fall into such situation no matter how careful you think you are in life. I've got nothing much to say because the subject matter has been treated in almost all ramification of life. I just pray for you to make the best out of the situation. Good luck and success to your choice.

So, poster came on nairaland to open this one thread then left.
Too bad that we will never know the rest of her story.


TheCongo

First of all, you made the decision to get married to the 2nd guy, I believe you were not under duress.
Secondly, you have already completed your traditional marriage with him, in Naija it means you're married.
Thirdly, you seem like someone who believes life is all about roses, you jump out of any train that has problems...
(first jumping out of your childhood'd love train... now you want to jump out of your husband's train)
If you really understand your purpose in life, then you'll have a plan & know what you want.

You shouldn't have left your 1st love, until he practically pushed you off.
Now you shouldn't leave your husband, else not only will you break his heart,
but you will be putting your 1st guy's life at risk...
Why? Cos men are jealous & vengeful creatures... heads will roll!

Be wise, weather it out with your husband, pray for God's guidance.
He who finds a wife has found a good thing.
Stand firm, and God will bless your marriage.
Cheers.

PLEASE I NEED ADVICE BECAUSE AM SEEKING DIVORCE.I HAVE TWO BOYS.WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN IS THAT MY WIFE ALWAYS FIGHTING ME AND NOW MY WIFE REPORTED ME TO THE POLICE OF WHICH THEY SAID I SHOULD WRITE UNDERTAKING THAT I WILL BEAT HER AGAIN OF WHICH I DID.NOW FOR ME TO BE FREE OF BEATING HER OR COMMITTING OFFENCE.THAT IS WHY AM SEEKING FOR DIVORCE.

This story dey give me headach.......all i can say is forget about the childhood love /guy and put all yur mind on yur husband........the guy may be lusting after yu cus why di he have to show up now ?