I just link this thread to the romance section and named it "The reason why not to keep in touch with ex"

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-592678.0.html


TheCongo

@ OP, you have to tread carefully and think straight but i need to ask you two questions
1. Does your husband love you, if he does, its better cos your love for him can grow.
2. Just like jennykadry asked, are u sure that after leaving your hubby, if you decide to, that your so called childhood friend will marry you?

.

sleek09:

@ OP, you have to tread carefully and think straight but i need to ask you two questions
1. Does your husband love you, if he does, its better cos your love for him can grow.
2. Just like jennykadry asked, are u sure that after leaving your hubby, if you decide to, that your so called childhood friend will marry you?

In as much as my middle name(bestowed upon me by NLDERS) on NLD is "heartless" which I highly appreciate I still try to put myself in one's shoes before I do things especially things that can wreck someone's emotional life. I have not come here to tell you sorry but to let you know that you are the guilty, heartless and wicked one.

This poster has come on here crying for her new found ex love, people on here are telling her to leave her hubby and go for her "supposed love" , some people are telling her to follow her heart and I ASK which heart?

What about the hearts of the two men involved here? this woman is going to mess up the lives of one or both of them infact she has already messed it up,now where will they start from? where will the ex start from now? where will her husband who she gave the green light start from? now she wants to go for her happiness what about that of the two men she's played with?

You cannot eat your cake and have it, because your ex was having difficulties which you refused to communicate with him about, you happily chose to go for PLAN B , which was marrying MR B that has always been caring afterall what will you lose? you will still be called a married woman!. Gave a man the "green light" like you said and then the dude proposed marriage which you agreed to and decided to marry you, if you hadn't given that man the green light he still would have let you be even though the feelings he has for you is great, you led him on, he married you , then your ex who you abandoned in times of difficulty is back into your life you've now realised that you "made a mistake" and wants to go back to your ex leaving PLAN B on the road side afterall you are following your heart and he isn't the one you love.

And then you've come on here to cry blood , playing the victim, crying foul making it look as if your husband put a gun to your head and dragged you to the altar. Seriously just look at what you have done to these men? look at the hearts you have toyed with just because you wanted to satisfy your selfish desire?

Woman how heartless can you be?

People are kind of forgetting something here . . . She dated her ex since childhood. She saw his strength and weakness and yet she loved him. She left him, dated someones else who not only loves her, is prepared to marry her knowing she's in love with another . . and yet she still loves him. That kind of love doesn't just go away . . . You don't just marry someone else and wish it away!

As much as I would like to condemn this poster, I think the ex is at fault. What kind of man would just let a woman he supposedly loves go away just like that. There was a break in communication at which point the girl must have complained bitterly but he ignored her. He was so wraped up in his own problems, he forgot he had someone by his side. He didn't even confide in her. . . How on earth was she supposed to know what he was passing through? Except she had some magic skills, anybody would have gotten tired and walked as well. Had she come here to open a thread about how he bf was ignoring her, not picking her calls and not telling her what the problem is, I bet we would all have advised her to walk. We'll all tell her the guy has lost interest in her, has met someone else and is trying to dump her. We'll all remind her of the 'ticking clock' and advise her not to wait around for some guy who doesn't know what her want! And I tell you, we'd have been right . . She's defending him here with this story of how he was in trouble back then, but I bet she's making excuses for him cos she's blinded by her love for him. Even when she walked away, started dating someone else, got engaged and got married, he was still 'in slumber'! Does he seriously expect to wake up and she'll be right where he left her?

90% of women will do exactly what she did so JK, I wouldn't be so harsh on her.

The ex probably knows he's at fault and that's why he's begging for another chance. Any other man will be angry with her for 'not being there' but I bet he knows he got what was coming to him. Honestly, I think he's the selfish one!

Now the practical thing to do would be to stick with her husband as the ex has proven that he can actually let her go and live happily without her. Also, she's given her word, not just to her husband, but to his family, it'll be embarrasing to walk away from it. But love doesn't just go away like that. She'll be setting herself up for a lifetime of sorrow. Her husband always knew that this could happen. He even rushed the wedding so that the ex won't come back and take her a way (the doofus!). In my own opinion, this could be a blessing in disuise for him. He might de desperate to marry her now but 10yrs from now when his second son looks like her ex, he might have a change of heart!

True why he let her go just like that uju is wrong but one thing is clear here, men express their emotions in different ways. Some men don't wanna involve their gf's in their problems. Remember that thread 3wks ago where the OP was cooking for her bf, helped him pay his rent, paid for his visa probs and e.t.c and then came here to complain because she felt it wasn't right? I and I think CC were like telling the men on that thread that sometimes if you have financial issues keep it to yourself , telling your gf about it to me is like telling her to help you out financially. I remembered this thread because if it was a financial issue or some issue of that sort then I cannot 100% blame the guy for not telling her, who knows prolly he thought telling her about it will make him a lesser being or make it look as if he wants help from her(not saying that was what happened) but just saying that some men would rather handle some situations on their own without involving their gf's.

Uju she knows her ex very well and if she called him her childhood lover ,she also should have known how to get him to open up to her , she should have known him well enough to decode some of his locked up emotional state.

Yes alot of men will let go if they realise that the gurl is with someone else and think if truly she loved him would have waited, she would have tried to find out what is going on.

Uju if you date a man for a long time believe me when I say his emotional life is like an open book in your palm,if your BF has issues uju you go know and instead of her jumping fast into the hands of the next man ,would have waited atleast for sometime to know what is happening.

You rush into marriage and you rush out, such is life

jennykadry:

True why he let her go just like that uju is wrong but one thing is clear here, men express their emotions in different ways. Some men don't wanna involve their gf's in their problems. Remember that thread 3wks ago where the OP was cooking for her bf, helped him pay his rent, paid for his visa probs and e.t.c and then came here to complain because she felt it wasn't right? I and I think CC were like telling the men on that thread that sometimes if you have financial issues keep it to yourself , telling your gf about it to me is like telling her to help you out financially. I remembered this thread because if it was a financial issue or some issue of that sort then I cannot 100% blame the guy for not telling her, who knows prolly he thought telling her about it will make him a lesser being or make it look as if he wants help from her(not saying that was what happened) but just saying that some men would rather handle some situations on their own without involving their gf's.

Uju she knows her ex very well and if she called him her childhood lover ,she also should have known how to get him to open up to her , she should have known him well enough to decode some of his locked up emotional state.

Yes alot of men will let go if they realise that the gurl is with someone else and think if truly she loved him would have waited, she would have tried to find out what is going on.

Uju if you date a man for a long time believe me when I say his emotional life is like an open book in your palm,if your BF has issues uju you go know and instead of her jumping fast into the hands of the next man ,would have waited atleast for sometime to know what is happening.

You rush into marriage and you rush out, such is life

Well, we don't really know what the ex's true intentions were.

Maybe he wanted to sow his wild oats, maybe he felt he needed a change of 'GF' after being with one for so long, maybe he met some other girl who he felt was better but only just realized she wasn't.

Except now he can't just admit to this things, so he comes up with a 'supposed' problem which the poster willingly bought because she's too in love with him to admit he did anything wrong.

I say this because I'm a woman. And like every other woman (including this poster), I can tell when a man is being funny and when he's really in trouble. I can tell when a man is willingly dragging his feet and when he sincerely doesn't have money. For a girl to have the courage to leave a man she truly loves, she must have been convinced he didn't want her anymore . . .

Common sense dictates that the poster's ex will be glad to get rid of her knowing she wasn't patient enough to stand by him during his trying moments. But his actions has guilt written all over it . .

Infact, the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that her ex is bad news! The guy just did not appreciate her enough and like a kid who's about to have his old toy snatch away from him, he's longing for it even more now!

Anyways, let's not confuse this poster more oh. (I can see she's already confused!) The bottom line is that she got herself into this mess, she has to figure out a way to get out of it fast before she hurts more people.

Lol uju I for one see the ex as a distraction, the more reason I wanted her to stay away from them both and think.

This poster has issues herself uju, I wouldn't have bothered with these thread if I did not notice a few things in her posts.

Have you noticed how she paints her husband in bad light but gives credit to her ex?

That is why I called her selfish, the more reason why I think she is 150% wrong here.

She paints people badly when she feels she does not need them around her anymore.

She(in one of her posts) said that she is like the man in the relationship she has with her husband but with her ex he is more the man than her herself why is because he cautions her and stuffs. My questions are:

1. Did she not know her hubby is on the softer side before agreeing to marry him, married him and is planning for her wedding?

2. If this ex of hers did not re surface, wouldn't she have gone ahead and married the "softer" man?

3. According to her post ,She tells her husband she loves him and she acknowledged the fact that she does not but just kept on saying it ? why?

This is the reason why I called her selfish and heartless, she wanted a name, another mans name and would go through any length to get it even if she has to pretend to love him and also tell him in words.

That is so unfair

VeraDove:

What i fear most is indulging in adultery after marriage too. Sometimes i call my chilh l with unknown num just to hear his voice without talking,The more i try to avoid him from what people advice the more i love him. I don't know why my husb fears losing me to him While my childh still says that i better not wed anyone under this fear including him. I should have time to set my mind right by postponding the wed, but he has set cout wed in 4 weeks and white wed a week after.
My childh adviced me to confide in my dad but am afried, he first object my hus and i convienced him that he is carring.

For some who may think that my childh want me, Sincerely he had always meant well and cared for my happiness apart from the love he has for me. He just want me happy.

He Told me to ask my husb, what he will do if his sister is to be in my shoes, would he encourage the marriage or tell her to pull out. That what ever he says should be the best advice for me. Honestly i have not done that bc he ran out of credit and i got him wrong again thinking he hanged up the phone on me. He later called back explaining what happend when we were talking.
The 2 Guys
My husb, am more of the man, my childh is more of the man. He calls me to order when am out of the line.

@ TheGong, Mr brownJay
Thank u and you allllll. Decision making is this mess is not easy.

@ Joan my sister , My childh never gave me out, i only misundestool him [b]when he was calling less and gave my husb green light, that we are no more together. [/b]he is and will always be innocent of this mess and not selfish and will never be. He could let me go into the marriage and come in an mess it up, he could have being sleeping with me even when i cry for it yet he never did, why because he wanted to marry me. He could sleep with me now or after the marriage if he want, yet he would not. He hold the key to my heart and he knows me in and out which my husb will never know in his entire life. My weakness he knows how to deal with it. He is innocent of what i put myself into plz. thanks for your time all the same.

Uju he only stopped calling as much as he does and the next thing she did was fall into the arms of another man? she even lied and told her hubby that she wasn't dating her ex anymore

Gawd, haba this woman get issues abeg

VeraDove:

My sisters, i have not made love to my husb, and as i said before, he is carring.  That is a key reason i gave him a green light. His church forbids sex before marr.  And there must be a court marr before white marr.

My childh is only saying that i should get into marriage with a sound mind to who ever i choose. He is not even refering to himself. The only thing he said is that my husb knows that I don't love him although we say we do, for saying sake, which is strang, yet he married me. my childh mean well for me, If he had wanted, he would  have convienced me to pull out. yet he never did or have not yet done that.

You never begin cry, wicked woman

:-x

When in a dodgy situation like this, use your brain and weigh the odds. There are some things in life you dont gamble with. I'd say you develop a strong will and stick it out with your current man. Regard all this as temptations

BUT it seems you are just getting married due to societal pressure. When you truly love someone to the point pf settling down, you may feel the spark for an old flame BUT it should not be enough to consider leaving.

jennykadry:

Uju he only stopped calling as much as he does and the next thing she did was fall into the arms of another man? she even lied and told her hubby that she wasn't dating her ex anymore

Gawd, haba this woman get issues abeg

Na wa oh . .    

truly truly she no try up sha! But maybe she's thirty-something and felt she needed to make hay while the eggs are still forming sun is still shining!     

People do lots of crazy things out of the desperation to settle down and become a mother!

She landed in a pool of her own mess!     

jennykadry:

You never begin cry, wicked woman

Lol   

Jenny Jenny . . .  arinze chukwu na nwanyi a abu ro nnwanne gi? Ama'm na e ga egbu ya ilu!   

Lol Uju, maka chukwu aburu na onye'an bu nwa nne'm , i'fe m'ge me ya ehn? M'ga ku ya ozu na'ni   e'be i'ke na ko'ya oko ,anumanu

Infact ka'm le ma m'ge ji godi amu karaka w'e coolu go'di down  first  afterall okwa o'gi si na onye go'ro motor ge testi ya e'test, make I go test my own




Anyways na her life, what I don't like is the fact that she is painting one good and the other bad.

jennykadry:

Lol Uju, maka chukwu aburu na onye'an bu nwa nne'm , i'fe m'ge me ya ehn? M'ga ku ya ozu na'ni   e'be i'ke na ko'ya oko ,anumanu

Infact ka'm le ma m'ge ji godi amu karaka w'e coolu go'di down  first  afterall okwa o'gi si na onye go'ro motor ge testi ya e'test, make I go test my own




Anyways na her life, what I don't like is the fact that she is painting one good and the other bad.

ROTFLMAO

Nothing do you jare . . .

Million dollar question is this:how are we sure that the ex wud marry her if she dumps the husband?If the ex loves her as he claimed,why did he resurface now?which kind of man abandons a babe he loves in the face of difficulties?Assuming your ex did not come back now,wud u have gone ahead to marry this man and wud u have been faithful?OP,u are letting your ex use your head to play 'ten_ten',walahi!have u stopped to think abt your husband?does he deserve all this?in as much as i wont prescribe u marry him out of pity but it wud be really callous if u leave him for the ex.many marriages have survived  without the "romeo and juilet" love likewise lots of "high sch. sweetheart" marriages have crumbled.your ex threw away what he had and now trying to get it back,wud u want to do same?my heart is going for the victim here ie your hubby.he surely deserves someone better,u are still interested in hide_and_seek;goodluck with it

^^My point exactly, some people are telling her to leave her husband go for her ex. The reason why I called her heartless is because I have kinda like gone deep into her posts and stuffs, ifyalways do you agree with me that there is a way a man will care for you, love you, worship you and appreciate you as a woman that even if the woman's heart is as hard as a stone, it will gradually melt. She agreed to marry her hubby because she felt he will take her away from town, he was supposed to be a passageway to her liberation, now she wants to dump him? That is mean now

If she wants to leave her hubby let her leave him for someone else(and I repeat that's if she wants to) , Yes the man might have made a mistake by marrying her (that's if he knew she still loved her ex). What sort of man in these age and time will pick a gurl up(after been dumped by ex) dust her clean, love her like crazy and marry her?

Yet the ungrateful gurl abi woman is busy listening to one man telling her rubbish stories of how he spoke to his pastors wife and how he will climb the sky for her or cross the atlantic ocean for her and bla bla bla.

Are women this daft? I really wanna know.

Jenny,ofcourse its possible to fall in love along the line.when there is respect,co_operation and understanding why wont love come in?btwn,who says love is all it takes to keep a happy home?Im mobile now so i cant dig out a certain thread where a man was asking if "love is all the ish in marriage"The op needs to take sometime out alone and think.she shld weigh her options very well,shes the one wearing the shoe.

jennykadry:


Yet the ungrateful gurl abi woman is busy listening to one man telling her rubbish stories of how he spoke to his pastors wife and how he will climb the sky for her or cross the atlantic ocean for her and bla bla bla.

Are women this daft? I really wanna know.

I am glad too see that there is also someone else who had catch the bolded part.

//

i choose believe anybody can fall prey of this situation, so i yawn at all the attacts n slandering on this faceless forum. OP i have only this question to ask, why did u have to wait till u got wedded traditionally b4 ringing this alarm? talk to ur dad about this situation sincerely n listen 2his response, (not ur mum but ur dad only)

@CC

The fact is she doesn't sound like someone who wants to give her marriage a try, she seriously cannot continue wrecking her hearts like these for her own selfish game.

Selfish woman

U went all D way 2 a traditnal marriage, nw u want 2 go where? After all he has don 4u, selfish indeed were do u want him 2 stat after u leave. Ur married, Ur married go home and learn 2 love ur husband pls.

listen in african culture the traditional marriage is the main marriage. ure married. let ur ex be. face ur hubby. where was ur ex wen u and ur hubby were dating.
and u think when u marry him he will suddenly become so caring? dont be deceived babes face ur marriage with time the scales that clouded ur eyes will fall off.

poster what have u now concluded or rather what r u doing

i will say u should follow ur heart

This indeed is a very interesting thread. The beautiful thing about our nairaland is that it can still enable one feel the crannies and pulse of some misplaced norms in our society wherever in the world you are.
Poster with all these confusions weighing you down I am of the opinion just like TheCongo and Ninapha that you take time out of it all and pray. It won't be wise to go ahead now and marry whichever of them your mind tells you to pick out, the confusions needs to be allayed to avoid regrets. Don't let yourself be rushed into tying the knot with the fella that is in a hurry to marry you because he doesn't want to lose you to another man. Be honest to him and ask for time to be clear headed enough. Some men are competitive in nature, watch that male driver taking his time and driving slowly on the road, the moment another vehicle passes him with high speed the competition begins! It's your future at stake not some ego-fight not that I am blaming the men in your lives for having you arrive here neither am I blaming you. It's all rooted down to the many things that are going wrong in our Nigerian society. Yes I said it!

Let us see the fact as it is, the Nigerian society is too disrespectful and hard on unmarried ladies which has led many women into all kinds of desperate measures, manipulations and counter manipulations ALL IN A BID TO GET MARRIED! Some weeks back, I read in a thread here about a newly wedded gloom lamenting that he just realized after his wedding that his new wife who deceived him into thinking that she is younger than he is (with a forged cetificate), is actually 3 years older than him and I went "What more extremes can our society push the ladies to??" I mean it's real serious if women now go to that extent.

Ivynwa:

This indeed is a very interesting thread. The beautiful thing about our nairaland is that it can still enable one feel the crannies and pulse of some misplaced norms in our society wherever in the world you are.
Poster with all these confusions weighing you down I am of the opinion just like TheCongo and Ninapha that you take time out of it all and pray. It won't be wise to go ahead now and marry whichever of them your mind tells you to pick out, the confusions needs to be allayed to avoid regrets. Don't let yourself be rushed into tying the knot with the fella that is in a hurry to marry you because he doesn't want to lose you to another man. Be honest to him and ask for time to be clear headed enough. Some men are competitive in nature, watch that male driver taking his time and driving slowly on the road, the moment another vehicle passes him with high speed the competition begins! It's your future at stake not some ego-fight not that I am blaming the men in your lives for having you arrive here neither am I blaming you. It's all rooted down to the many things that are going wrong in our Nigerian society. Yes I said it!

I can clearly see that picture of a lady trying to get married like her mates are doing and because she gains more respect and gets validated by the Nigerian society when she is married. As the boyfriend she loves does not seem serious she says "Yes I will marry you" to the next man that asks for her hand after all what is important is to get married and be more respected and appreciated by the society like her mates only to realize some weeks later that she is in a fix.
I can feel it because I am an unmarried lady going through all the pressures the single ones are subjected to here right from families, extended families, friends, your married mates and the society. I have been influenced by that norm of ours, have been swayed a bit by it to the point that I have even opened up about the desires of my heart here in the forum and have done one or two unpretty things in the influence of that but I have come to a point where I have decided not to be moved by the taunts and pressures. The only two things that still inspire me about getting married are such beautiful human feelings like my love for babies and that natural longings we all have. Right now I ain't tripping about what our Nigerian society thinks but is more concerned with finding fulfillment in the things I do, realizing my potentials/talents and staying happy. Dear Poster I advise you to opt for clear headedness before you take that big leap.     

Mrbrownjay it's nice of you to have observed the fact that the average unmarried Nigerian lady is tripping to marry the next minute, note that it all emanated from the misplaced norms of this society of ours which influences these ladies. There is a need for re-orientation for Nigerian girls and you are doing a very great job at that here in the forum with your advice about them not being clouded in making important decisions of marriage because we all want to stand looking right and gain the respect of a society too-judgemental for its own good. More forces should be joined to that effort to enlighten & open the eyes of our single female youths that we don't need a husband to validate our persons or to belong in the Nigerian society and that we should strive towards finding fulfilment in other areas of our lives including marriage when it finally happens to us.

There are some norms in this society of ours that are not proper and I am advocating for changes to such and wishing that something can be done about them. A widow that wakes up from mourning her husband and decides to date and find love again gets derided by the society, a divorced woman gets mocked even if she wasn't the cause of the divorce. A woman that gets pregnant out of wedlock is judged so hard that she is considered dirty and worthless. We now have the present wave of "You ain't nothing if you have no money" and we have the resultant effects of kidnappings and corruptions and the shaming of us all by scammers in the international community.
Let us see the fact as it is, the Nigerian society is too disrespectful and hard on unmarried ladies which has led many women into all kinds of desperate measures, manipulations and counter manipulations ALL IN A BID TO GET MARRIED! Some weeks back, I read in a thread here about a newly wedded gloom lamenting that he just realized after his wedding that his new wife who deceived him into thinking that she is younger than he is, is actually 3 years older than him and I went "What more extremes can our society push the ladies to??" I mean it's real serious if women now go to that extent.

While I agree with some parts of your post but there are parts i don't quite get,are u apportioning blames to the society
In the case of the OP,when she was enjoying the man's kind heart and everything,was it the society that influenced that?
Every man or woman is responsible to a great extent for his/her f.cup up.

Excerpts from her initial post:
I got married recently (traditionally)to a guy whom i knew as a friend back in school. I have being in-love and still in love to my childhood love for over 15yrs. My married husband knew that am iin lovewith this guy back in school. I misunderstood my childhood love when he had a problem for not being carring anymore and also not ready for marriage.
I actually thought that the problem he had then indicated not being carring. Now I have come to know the truth and he actually meant well for me.

I gave my husband a chance and he proposed and got me married.
He has already planned our weeding but am confussed right now because my first love had also proposed to me before I got married. My husband said that he want to wed me asap, if not he will lose me to him.

I have told my first love and he still want to marry me. ((( He honestly adviced me to think before wedding or popostponehe weeding which is next month and get off the fear before saying " I do "
Priest and cocancellersre now involved and they says that love is not all in marriage. But i don't want to leave with a man and my mind and heart is else where. I also don't want to hurt both men.

I cry every night and I know that i am a confussed person right now.
To be honest and sincere to you all who will honestly help me, I am married to him because he is carring but my mind ,hart and everything is with my first love, whom i mistook his dimmed carring as not ready for marriage.
My childhood love was there for me when everyone abandoned me. In all these years he never had sex with me till date yet i hahardlyithstand him. He always call me to order when I get out of control emotionally and i listen to his voice any day.
Please help me and have anyone being through such.

The OP is not a victim of circumstance in any way . . .

Ivynwa:

This indeed is a very interesting thread. The beautiful thing about our nairaland is that it can still enable one feel the crannies and pulse of some misplaced norms in our society wherever in the world you are.
Poster with all these confusions weighing you down I am of the opinion just like TheCongo and Ninapha that you take time out of it all and pray. It won't be wise to go ahead now and marry whichever of them your mind tells you to pick out, the confusions needs to be allayed to avoid regrets. Don't let yourself be rushed into tying the knot with the fella that is in a hurry to marry you because he doesn't want to lose you to another man. Be honest to him and ask for time to be clear headed enough. Some men are competitive in nature, watch that male driver taking his time and driving slowly on the road, the moment another vehicle passes him with high speed the competition begins! It's your future at stake not some ego-fight not that I am blaming the men in your lives for having you arrive here neither am I blaming you. It's all rooted down to the many things that are going wrong in our Nigerian society. Yes I said it!

I can clearly see that picture of a lady trying to get married like her mates are doing and because she gains more respect and gets validated by the Nigerian society when she is married. As the boyfriend she loves does not seem serious she says "Yes I will marry you" to the next man that asks for her hand after all what is important is to get married and be more respected and appreciated by the society like her mates only to realize some weeks later that she is in a fix.
I can feel it because I am an unmarried lady going through all the pressures the single ones are subjected to here right from families, extended families, friends, your married mates and the society. I have been influenced by that norm of ours, have been swayed a bit by it to the point that I have even opened up about the desires of my heart here in the forum and have done one or two unpretty things in the influence of that but I have come to a point where I have decided not to be moved by the taunts and pressures. The only two things that still inspire me about getting married are such beautiful human feelings like my love for babies and that natural longings we all have. Right now I ain't tripping about what our Nigerian society thinks but is more concerned with finding fulfillment in the things I do, realizing my potentials/talents and staying happy. Dear Poster I advise you to opt for clear headedness before you take that big leap.     

Mrbrownjay it's nice of you to have observed the fact that the average unmarried Nigerian lady is tripping to marry the next minute, note that it all emanated from the misplaced norms of this society of ours which influences these ladies. There is a need for re-orientation for Nigerian girls and you are doing a very great job at that here in the forum with your advice about them not being clouded in making important decisions of marriage because we all want to stand looking right and gain the respect of a society too-judgemental for its own good. More forces should be joined to that effort to enlighten & open the eyes of our single female youths that we don't need a husband to validate our persons or to belong in the Nigerian society and that we should strive towards finding fulfilment in other areas of our lives including marriage when it finally happens to us.

There are some norms in this society of ours that are not proper and I am advocating for changes to such and wishing that something can be done about them. A widow that wakes up from mourning her husband and decides to date and find love again gets derided by the society, a divorced woman gets mocked even if she wasn't the cause of the divorce. A woman that gets pregnant out of wedlock is judged so hard that she is considered dirty and worthless. We now have the present wave of "You ain't nothing if you have no money" and we have the resultant effects of kidnappings and corruptions and the shaming of us all by scammers in the international community.
Let us see the fact as it is, the Nigerian society is too disrespectful and hard on unmarried ladies which has led many women into all kinds of desperate measures, manipulations and counter manipulations ALL IN A BID TO GET MARRIED! Some weeks back, I read in a thread here about a newly wedded gloom lamenting that he just realized after his wedding that his new wife who deceived him into thinking that she is younger than he is, is actually 3 years older than him and I went "What more extremes can our society push the ladies to??" I mean it's real serious if women now go to that extent.

ifyalways:

While I agree with some parts of your post but there are parts i don't quite get,are u apportioning blames to the society
In the case of the OP,when she was enjoying the man's kind heart and everything,was it the society that influenced that?
Every man or woman is responsible to a great extent for his/her f.cup up.

Excerpts from her initial post:
I got married recently (traditionally)to a guy whom i knew as a friend back in school. I have being in-love and still in love to my childhood love for over 15yrs. My married husband knew that am iin lovewith this guy back in school. I misunderstood my childhood love when he had a problem for not being carring anymore and also not ready for marriage.
I actually thought that the problem he had then indicated not being carring. Now I have come to know the truth and he actually meant well for me.

I gave my husband a chance and he proposed and got me married.
He has already planned our weeding but am confussed right now because my first love had also proposed to me before I got married. My husband said that he want to wed me asap, if not he will lose me to him.

I have told my first love and he still want to marry me. ((( He honestly adviced me to think before wedding or popostponehe weeding which is next month and get off the fear before saying " I do "
Priest and cocancellersre now involved and they says that love is not all in marriage. But i don't want to leave with a man and my mind and heart is else where. I also don't want to hurt both men.

I cry every night and I know that i am a confussed person right now.
To be honest and sincere to you all who will honestly help me, I am married to him because he is carring but my mind ,hart and everything is with my first love, whom i mistook his dimmed carring as not ready for marriage.
My childhood love was there for me when everyone abandoned me. In all these years he never had sex with me till date yet i hahardlyithstand him. He always call me to order when I get out of control emotionally and i listen to his voice any day.
Please help me and have anyone being through such.

The OP is not a victim of circumstance in any way . . .

Ify I agree with her (Ivynwa) totally . . . unmarried women in their 30s are facing a lot of pressures to settle down! A woman who's not strong and sure of herself will definitely be pushed to make grave mistakes. I'm still years from 30 and I know the looks I get when I go for family gatherings . . . whatever I've achieved somehow is NOT enough because I've not landed a man!

I tell you, if this poster's ex hasn't shown up, she would have gone ahead to marry her husband, not out of love, but out of the desperation to settle down. And she would have lived with it for the rest of her life . . . because that's what society expects her to do!

A woman in her 30s doesn't have the luxury of waiting around for a man who's pu55yfooting . . . . It's true that she was selfish in her actions, but I don't blame her totally cos there's not a lot of women that would not have done what she did!

Uju,did u miss the part where the OP said "to be honest to everyone,I married my husband because he is very caring"
I did not see the age and societal pressure story in her post or  are talking abt another thread
I agree wholeheartedly that the society puts pressure on single unmarried ladies but In this case,atleast from what I have gathered so far is NOT the case.The OP might be 20 yrs for all i know 
This very case is one of greed.
Besides,to follow your line of argument,which 30 yr old lady after all the societal and family pressures wud finally get answers to her prayers(a husband) and then start messing up this way?Point out 1.

ifyalways:

Uju,did u miss the part where the OP said "to be honest to everyone,I married my husband because he is very caring"
I did not see the age and societal pressure story in her post or  are talking abt another thread
I agree wholeheartedly that the society puts pressure on single unmarried ladies but In this case,atleast from what I have gathered so far is NOT the case.The OP might be 20 yrs for all i know 
This very case is one of greed.
Besides,to follow your line of argument,which 30 yr old lady after all the societal and family pressures wud finally [b]get answers to her prayers(a husband) and then start messing up this way?[/b]Point out 1.

True, and a caring one at that

@Uju

This poster's case all revolved around greed like ify said, her prayers got answered, she got a man who cares for and loves her, and what does she wanna do?leave him for another who wasn't there for her. I keep asking this one question: What would she have done if her ex didn't turn up?" she keeps saying her ex proposed to her the same time she's planning her wedding to her hubby, this poster fails to understand that she is "legally married already" so her ex proposing to her now is like taking her off her husband,and if she chooses to leave her husband she has to go through some divorce proceedings(I stand to be corrected) to get off her marital state right now

She is so naive and I tell you why

1. She thinks trad wedding isn't strong enough or better still she thinks she isn't legally married yet cos of no wedding, so she can always walk out on the man.

2. She has to realise that to get out of her husbands home, she needs to go through the law and only God knows how long that one will take, if she goes ahead to cheat on her husband, he  has a right to take up a legal case(thats if trad wedding is recognised in nigeria) and accuse her of infidelity

Obviously she and her ex are both dumb, else they should know what they are going into

I don't see the pressure true true

ifyalways:

Uju,did u miss the part where the OP said "to be honest to everyone,I married my husband because he is very caring"
I did not see the age and societal pressure story in her post or  are talking abt another thread
I agree wholeheartedly that the society puts pressure on single unmarried ladies but In this case,atleast from what I have gathered so far is NOT the case.The OP might be 20 yrs for all i know 
This very case is one of greed.
Besides,to follow your line of argument,which 30 yr old lady after all the societal and family pressures wud finally get answers to her prayers(a husband) and then start messing up this way?Point out 1.

Well maybe her husband wasn't her only suitor but she chose him because he was exceptionally caring . . . .  love is clearly not  a factor for her anymore because as far as she was concerned, she couldn't have the man she truly loved. So she settled based for her next most important criteria - a caring man - one that she could learn to love with time!

She didn't know her ex, the man she truly loved, would come back . . . which is why she's presently confused!

Shebi na marriage she want na? The love of her life is finally ready to marry her . . . why won't she be swayed?

As for the pressures, it's an assumption I'm making based on the facts at hand. That's the only way I can justify her actions. If she's still a young girl, then I'll put the whole blame on her!