Pls, for those asking her to stick to de man. . 'caring' is not a sensible enough reason to marry anyone. We don't know wat made her allow herself to be rushed into marriage- maybe because she felt she was not getting younger or whatever pressure. Now de one she loves has come back, her heart is calling out to him & him her. . . The danger in marrying dis second guy she does not truly love is feeling empty/inadequate anytime she sees her childhood love in future,maybe seeing herself in de place of his wife & so on. And probably regretting why she did not take her time before finalizing. That wil make a huge mockery of de man she calls husband & their marriage. So de earlier she follows her heart & takes time to think de situation through very well, the better for her. @op, if u truly luv ur childhood man, then go ahead. There's no point following sentiments or wat people will say, and in de process lose something valuable, and probably find yourself later regreting ur marriage to de caring man. Better to get it out of ur system. Dis is FOR LIFE. Not some experiment. When u enter, dat's it.

Wislet:

Pls, for those asking her to stick to de man. . 'caring' is not a sensible enough reason to marry anyone. We don't know wat made her allow herself to be rushed into marriage- maybe because she felt she was not getting younger or whatever pressure. Now de one she loves has come back, her heart is calling out to him & him her. . . The danger in marrying dis second guy she does not truly love is feeling empty/inadequate anytime she sees her childhood love in future,maybe seeing herself in de place of his wife & so on. And probably regretting why she did not take her time before finalizing. That wil make a huge mockery of de man she calls husband & their marriage. So de earlier she follows her heart & takes time to think de situation through very well, the better for her. @op, if u truly luv your childhood man, then go ahead. There's no point following sentiments or wat people will say,  and in de process lose something valuable, and probably find yourself later regreting your marriage to de caring man. Better to get it out of your system. Dis is FOR LIFE. Not some experiment. When u enter, dat's it.

Why are you keeping vouching for the first guy as if you know those 2 guys very well.  What make you think her childhood love is better than the current guy. We never met them, and we don't know the future. Given these facts, I don't think it is wise to vouch for any one in this matter.

Those who are asking her to stick to the second are only doing it for the sake of her marriage vows. They think in African tradition a traditional marriage is enough to seal the marriage deal. They believe she is already married to the current guy and that is the reason why they are asking her to stay with her husband.

On another note, someone had wrote earlier "i guess you never heard of people who were madly in love at the time of marriage, before the divorce."  The childhood love can be a myth. It is not because someone was your first love that he/she would be better than any of your susbsequent love. It is not because you are madly in love with someone that you will be happy in marrying that person. Conversaly, it is not because you aren't much in love with someone that you won't be happy if you marry that person.


@Poster

Fast and pray


TheCongo

Elope with your childhood sweetheart. Your husband deserves better than what you are or can give him. Your so called childhood sweetheart should hv stepped up when he had the chance. And you don't go jumping into relationships unless you are thoroughly done with one.

This is what I complain lots about naija women. How can choose to marry a man when there aren't real feeling btw you two. You would ditch someone you care about and go accept proposals of other men you barely know or care about in the name of wife syndrome sweeping through the country!

Poster, fast and pray. This is a serious matter. YOu should distance yourself from both of them and seek for God's wisdom. 

But, I am sure deepdown in your heart you know what is the right thing to do.

TheCongo

@ poster-
It is better to be unhappy with a man you love than unhappy with a man you do not love.

Since the are no children involved the decision is easy. Get your true love to return the bride price and apologise to the other man.
Yes you are hurting him by leaving him but you hurt him more by staying with him when your hart is with another. Even in marriage the body will follow the mind and you will probably end up cheating on him.

.

//

VeraDove:

I just want to thank you all.

I have told my childhood love that he is one piller that can ecourage me to continue with the marriage or pull out. I was ready to pull out and while crying,

He could not stand what am going through anymore expecially my cry. He told me that if it means him trading his happiness for me to stop crying, he will do it. He falls ill and me too because of the whole thing.

I can't stop crying that my childhood love could give up his own interest for my happiness while i got myself into this mess.

I have realised what it means to love and to want a woman or a man. I just hope i end up being happy in a longer term as he will always be part of my heart. all these months is being a painful moment out of my mistake.

First of all, why will a man insist on marrying a woman knowing fully well she's in love with another man . . . if she cheats tomorrow now they'll say it's the Devil's handiwork!

I kind of understand your predicament, some of us ladies know how to get ourselves in a jam when it comes to matters of the heart. Unfortunately, you are dealing with two very selfish men!

Your childhood love should know that he gave you up and it's very selfish of him to come back and expect you guys to pick up from where you stopped! Thankfully he has come to his senses and his decision to withdraw (which he should have done from the beginning) is quite honorable.

As for your husband, I leave him to his fate. Marriage is already hard on its own without having to be struck with someone who doesn't really want you!

As for you . . . I only feel pity for you. You just set yourself up for a lifetime of sorrow.

Thank you all for your sincere advice.

I must say that most of you understood what am into and what am going through.

For some, i am not living with him yet. I have only being to his place just once.
SOmeone said that is better to be unhappy with someone u love than to be unhappy with someone you don't love. Strong statement indeed.

The whole thing is really dark to me. I mean strang how my imagination landed me into this. My childhook L actually told me a shorking story which i know some may believe ,some may not. he told his pastor's wife and she objected me marrying my husb. She said that 4 pastors told her that her husband a pastor,is the man for her and she went ahead even when her mother objected, today she is not happy and her mind still goes to her first love whom she still loves even after 9years in marriage. she said that what she still fear most is cheating bc she knows she will fail herself if anything brings them close( her guy told her that he will like to marry her even if she had 10kids. That these are things one can never predict. She said imagine we end up living in the same state or town after marriage. She still calls him and visits his office when ever she visits home.

She says that she is running away from him which is what she love and wanted and being unhappy where she is even after  having everything. She said that
It is only a sincere and a real man that can tell you the truth regardless of how you may feel. Apart from that, they fear not to be the one to disencourage the marriage even though they knew what i feel for both guys.
I personally believe the story of the woman, it is exactly what SOmeone said here that it is better to be unhappy with someone u love than to be unhappy with someone you don't love.

What i fear most is indulging in adultery after marriage too. Sometimes i call my chilh l with unknown num just to hear his voice without talking,The more i try to avoid him from what people advice the more i love him. I don't know why my husb fears losing me to him While my childh still says that i better not wed anyone under this fear including him. I should have time to set my mind right by postponding the wed, but he has set cout wed in 4 weeks and white wed a week after.
My childh adviced me to confide in my dad but am afried, he first object my hus and i convienced him that he is carring.

For some who may think that my childh want me, Sincerely he had always meant well and cared for my happiness apart from the love he has for me. He just want me happy.

He Told me to ask my husb, what he will do if his sister is to be in my shoes, would he encourage the marriage or tell her to pull out. That what ever he says should be the best advice for me. Honestly i have not done that bc he ran out of credit and i got him wrong again thinking he hanged up the phone on me. He later called back explaining what happend when we were talking.
The 2 Guys
My husb, am more of the man, my childh is more of the man. He calls me to order when am out of the line.

@ TheGong, Mr brownJay
Thank u and you allllll. Decision making is this mess is not easy.

@ Joan my sister , My childh never gave me out, i only misundestool him when he was calling less and gave my husb green light, that we are no more together. he is and will always be innocent of this mess and not selfish and will never be. He could let me go into the marriage and come in an mess it up, he could have being sleeping with me even when i cry for it yet he never did, why because he wanted to marry me. He could sleep with me now or after the marriage if he want, yet he would not. He hold the key to my heart and he knows me in and out which my husb will never know in his entire life. My weakness he knows how to deal with it. He is innocent of what i put myself into plz. thanks for your time all the same.

VeraDove:

What i fear most is indulging in adultery after marriage too. Sometimes i call my chilh l with unknown num just to hear his voice without talking,The more i try to avoid him from what people advice the more i love him. I don't know why my husb fears losing me to him While my childh still says that i better not wed anyone under this fear including him. I should have time to set my mind right by postponding the wed, but he has set cout wed in 4 weeks and white wed a week after.
My childh adviced me to confide in my dad but am afried, he first object my hus and i convienced him that he is carring.

For some who may think that my childh want me, Sincerely he had always meant well and cared for my happiness apart from the love he has for me. He just want me happy.

He Told me to ask my husb, what he will do if his sister is to be in my shoes, would he encourage the marriage or tell her to pull out. That what ever he says should be the best advice for me. Honestly i have not done that bc he ran out of credit and i got him wrong again thinking he hanged up the phone on me. He later called back explaining what happend when we were talking.
The 2 Guys
My husb, am more of the man, my childh is more of the man. He calls me to order when am out of the line.

@ TheGong, Mr brownJay
Thank u and you allllll. Decision making is this mess is not easy.

@ Joan my sister , My childh never gave me out, i only misundestool him when he was calling less and gave my husb green light, that we are no more together. he is and will always be innocent of this mess and not selfish and will never be. He could let me go into the marriage and come in an mess it up, he could have being sleeping with me even when i cry for it yet he never did, why because he wanted to marry me. He could sleep with me now or after the marriage if he want, yet he would not. He hold the key to my heart and he knows me in and out which my husb will never know in his entire life. My weakness he knows how to deal with it. He is innocent of what i put myself into plz. thanks for your time all the same.

So in other words, you let him down when he really needed you . . . In your haste to settle down, you abandoned someone who was there for you from the word go and got married to someone you don't love

Na wah for you oh . . . .

Anyways, if you ask me, I think you are making a big mistake by going ahead with the marriage. You obviously love your ex more than you can ever love your husband and 10 years from now, like your friend, you'll still be longing for him.

My advice . . . . sit your husband down and explain to him. Tell him you are sorry but you have to go with your heart on this. Stop being indecisive. These men will only do what you tell them to do. If you tell your ex to let go he will and if you tell your husband to go, he will. This is not a time to be weak. This is your future we are talking about . . . .

chaircover:

Ive found some of my tongue now that the poster has added some more info to the story.

In some areas after the traditional marriage, the woman is seen as a wife and she goes to live in her husbands house before the white wedding.

If this is the case, then this woman is already married and needs to follow the correct procedure for divorce and she cant just not turn up for the white wedding.

This is a situation bigger than what she can handle on her own and so she will need to get her family involved but I am sure that there will be at least one voice totaly against the idea of her being allowed to "disgrace" the family.

The disgrace will be 10 years from now when she has 4 kids . . . . 2 for her husband and 2 for her ex!

OK, Listen here, this is the same advice I will give to my sister if she is in your situation

Please be selfish, why would you be setting yourself for a lifetime of unhappiness I really don't know. Go with your heart. You are still  young, rather a period of resentment + hatred for you by the man than a life time of you sad with what ifs and I-thy-know. I agree completely with what Wislet says.

Even if it ends up not working with your sweetheart, at least you know you tried your best, you don't have any deep feelings for the man you are about to marry so infact nothing lost from that side

The man you did the traditional wedding with will be ok, he will not be the first one to be jilted, read Thecongo story, who knows you leaving him might be the best thing that will ever happen to him

Lastly Good luck

I have been watching this thread for days now and seriously will like this poster to be sure before she leaves her husband's house.

What if something goes wrong? what proof does she have that her true love is for real this time? what if her true love is trying to get back at her for leaving him and then dumping her once she's out of her husbands house? what if there is a motive behind all his words and stuffs?

Thread carefully honey

jennykadry:

I have been watching this thread for days now and seriously will like this poster to be sure before she leaves her husband's house.

What if something goes wrong? what proof does she have that her true love is for real this time? what if her true love is trying to get back at her for leaving him and then dumping her once she's out of her husbands house? what if there is a motive behind all his words and stuffs?

Thread carefully honey

Well, there's a thought! You are right, that is a possibility.

But life is a risk . . . and so is love!

I'd rather take the risk of losing them both, than spending the rest of my life wondering . . 'what if'?

By her own admission, she doesn't even love her husband. Maybe this is God's way of ensuring she doesn't make a terrible mistake with her life!

Uju believe me there is a lot of sentiments involved here. She needs to sit down and really think hard , she needs to take her time off these two men(I mean stay away without contacting either of them) and think really really hard.

I am not advising her to stay with her husband but I want to know what she felt for her husband that made her easily tolerate him all this while even in bed before her ex popped up? what feelings did she have for her husband that made her not feel nauseous or throw up after lovemaking/ caresses .

She needs to define infatuation and love here, and she can't get a better definition by keeping intouch with either of them or listening to some story from her ex.

^^ She obviously agreed to marry her husband because she saw how much he loved her and she probably thought that was enough!

The guy himself knows she doesn't love him as much. My guess is that she feels the pressure to settle down maybe from her age, her family and the people around her. What's she's doing with him is 'settling' . . .


Even if what she feels for her ex is infatuation, (which I doubt), there is no doubt that it's stronger than what she feels for her husband.

But you are right, she does need a break . . from both of them! Having them around is definitely clouding her judgment and it's not a good thing.

Me I'm still wondering why a man will insist on marrying a woman he knows is in love with someone else. Is he tying to punish her or what

My sisters, i have not made love to my husb, and as i said before, he is carring.  That is a key reason i gave him a green light. His church forbids sex before marr.  And there must be a court marr before white marr.

My childh is only saying that i should get into marriage with a sound mind to who ever i choose. He is not even refering to himself. The only thing he said is that my husb knows that I don't love him although we say we do, for saying sake, which is strang, yet he married me. my childh mean well for me, If he had wanted, he would  have convienced me to pull out. yet he never did or have not yet done that.

^^^have you kissed him or shared any other intimate moments with him?


@Uju

True why a man will want to marry a woman when he knows she's inlove with another baffles me.

I can agree to a man chasing after a woman when she is in a relationship and stuffs but will not agree to a man marrying a woman when you know she is inlove with someone else.

And I also don't agree to a woman playing mind games with men all in the name of satisfying her own desire. This poster has played and is still playing with two hearts, a man will come at you with all he's got and it is left for you to say yes to him or ignore him, he cannot force you into marrying him, so she marrying her husband is a mistake on her part and she is going to leave that man(a very silly man if you ask me for even marrying a woman who is inlove with another man) and go for another.

The poster is not a baby she walked into that marriage with her two eyes wide open.

One of these men is going to suffer for what this poster has done. She deserves the guilt she's feeling right now

Her mistake their loss

VeraDove:

My sisters, i have not made love to my husb, and as i said before, he is carring. That is a key reason i gave him a green light.

How can you marry a man without 'testing' him? Will you buy a car without test-running it

jennykadry:

^^^have you kissed him or shared any other intimate moments with him?


@Uju

True why a man will want to marry a woman when he knows she's inlove with another baffles me.

I can agree to a man chasing after a woman when she is in a relationship and stuffs but will not agree to a man marrying a woman when you know she is inlove with someone else.

And I also don't agree to a woman playing mind games with men all in the name of satisfying her own desire. This poster has played and is still playing with two hearts, a man will come at you with all he's got and it is left for you to say yes to him or ignore him, he cannot force you into marrying him, so she marrying her husband is a mistake on her part and she is going to leave that man(a very silly man if you ask me for even marrying a woman who is inlove with another man) and go for another.

The poster is not a baby she walked into that marriage with her two eyes wide open.

One of these men is going to suffer for what these poster has done. She deserves the guilt she's feeling right now

True . . . As you make your bed so you lie on it! Her selfishness had landed her in trouble and she'll probably deal with it for the rest of her life!

Sad!

Ujujoan:



How can you marry a man without 'testing' him? Will you buy a car without test-running it

c'mon uju encourage "marriage is honourable bed undefiled"

Ujujoan:

True . . . As you make your bed so you lie on it! [b]Her selfishness [/b]had landed her in trouble and she'll probably deal with it for the rest of her life!

Sad!

My point exactly, she wanted to answer Mrs at all cost, she was trying to play a smart game, keeping two men in case if one fails she can easily jump to another, oh well she thought one failed, went to another ,is now regretting her actions and wants to go back to MR A.

I just want her to thread carefully, she's made a mistake already and is going to make another one if she is not careful

jennykadry:

c'mon uju encourage "marriage is honourable bed undefiled"

My point exactly, she wanted to answer Mrs at all cost, she was trying to play a smart game, keeping two men in case if one fails she can easily jump to another, oh well she thought one failed, went to another ,is now regretting her actions and wants to go back to MR A.

I just want her to thread carefully, she's made a mistake already and is going to make another one if she is not careful

Okay oh, I hear you!

.

jennykadry:


She needs to define infatuation and love here, and she can't get a better definition by keeping intouch with either of them or listening to some story from her ex.

My point exactly.

Poster, speaking about church. Do you know what soul tie means? What you may be calling strong attraction to your first love may also be the result of an evil soul tie contracted through sex with him. And in time this kind of soul tie may have an negative impact in your marriage. It could be that the soul tie is preventing you to enter your destiny with your present man. You may consider a delivereance session.

Fast and pray. Your emotions may be beadly damaged by a soul tie that is clouding your thinking. And confusion set in as a result. God isn't a God of confusion. Confusion comes from desobedience.

TheCongo

Vera, at first I just wanted to read without commenting, why? yes cos you seemed more of a player than a real woman.

Ok, your mere statements about your childh shows you truly loves him and as it is, nothing can tell u otherwise. Yet u needed to attach Mrs. to ur name well, I do not wish to blame u further but:

If you are sure u want advice, i have seen some good ones here and i make haste to say.

-For now, postpone the wedding to enable clear head.
-If you still feel the same way after sometime, call your supposed husband to let him know how u still feel about him.
- Talk to your parents, yes they wont be happy yet its better now than latter.
-And most importantly tell the two men to allow u sometime to sort urself out. If possible take a paper and pen and write out what u want in a man, then mark the two men without sentiments if u really want to be happy in future.
-Its time to pray, the sweetheart today may become a bitterheart tommorrow, cos even if you marry your childh with all these good, good, sweet sweet talks and relax i bet you, the marriage would soon be a tale too.

Marriage is a lifetime something and love is not even enough neither cares. Good luck

@ Ninapha
No, I doubt that poster is a player. This situation can happen to anyone including you.

One thing we can all learn from this episode is to burn all the bridges once a relationship has ended.  I will tag this post “Why not to keep in touch with ex.”
We can use this post as a reference point for discussions involving keeping in touch with ex's.


@Poster  
Yes, someone had said it is better to be unhappy with someone u love than to be unhappy with someone you don't love. 

However, there are a few things love isn't. Love isn't a feeling. Love does not equate with the sense of floating on clouds. Unlike the type of love that movies, television, and songs portray, married people don’t always feel ooey gooey around each other. A relationship wouldn't last long on emotions.

Instead, Love is a sacrifice. Love is a decision. 

You don’t have deep feeling for your actual man now but this doesn’t mean you can’t learn to love him.  Conversely, you may lose all the feelings you have for your ex once you married your ex.

This is my advice; detach yourself from this situation for now. Cry out to God who is omniscient. Nairaland can’t help you.

God Bless you,

TheCongo

mutter:

@ poster-
It is better to be unhappy with a man you love than unhappy with a man you do not love.

  It could also be better to marry someone you can fall in love with instead of marrying someone you are in love with.

  You are most likely to believe anything from the person you are in love with, including lies. And by the time you wake up, it could be too late. For the person you aren’t in love with, you are more likely not to leave any stone unturned about them before giving them your heart. And by so doing, you will end up marrying the real character.  In other words, your judgement about the one you are already in love with is already clouded and the risk of compromising is overwhelming.

  Poster, any argument presented on this subject can face a valid counter-argument. That is why I repeat, Nairaland will confuse you more.

You are a Christian. Have faith in God. Cry out to Him and let His Wisdom Guide you. God’s way isn’t our way. You may not like what God will tell you to do but that will be the road to your happiness. Hapiness isn't what your ex is making you feel now because that may change later.

TheCongo,

TheCongo:

  It could also be better to marry someone you can fall in love with instead of marrying someone you are in love with.

would you gamble your future (like many do) on such an important issue?! coulda woulda shoulda!!!!!
if that person is not ready to show her what she is looking for (before marriage) then i suggest the poster keeps dating until he does.

You are most likely to believe anything from the person you are in love with, including lies. And by the time you wake up, it could be too late. For the person you aren’t in love with, you are more likely not to leave any stone unturned about them. And you will end up marrying the real character.

and do you think that it would make this relationship any better in the long run?! as much as you may leave no stones unturn, this person could STILL be lying to you. or are you claiming that "no love present" means that he will automatically be honest to her?!

Poster, any argument presented on this subject can face a valid counter-argument. That is why I repeat, Nairaland will confuse you more.

you are right about that but nevertheless its good to have wider perspective from different NLers(even a religious one like yours).

^^^^^^^^^^^

@MrBrownJay

MrBrownJay, There is no guarantee in life. Nevertheless we can minimize the risk of failure.

When we are not in love with someone we can come up to a rational conclusion in deciding whether or not to marry them. Whereas when are in love, we will be thinking with the heart instead of the head. Emotions would usually cloud our sense of judgment to the point where we end up failling to read anything written in bold on the wall about them.

TheCongo,

^^^bro
if there aint no guarantee in life then at least let the people making the choice be swept by love and all the consequences of it.

- are you saying that it would be wiser for someone to marry a person they dont love rather than someone they do?!

- how can marrying someone you have "no attraction for, no passion towards, no chemistry with, no desire for," be viewed as "minimizing the risk of failure". . . . . . . . when failure is right there in this statement?!

- shouldnt LOVE (or at least some form of attraction) be a prerequisite for marriage?!

No, don't get me wrong. There must be some type of chemistry or attraction on the onset. Something that can be nurture to fully grow into full attraction. I believe poster was attracted to the present man in someway and she was on her way to nurture this attraction till the ex came into the picture. And now poster is confused and think she never loves her present man. If the ex didn't come back, poster was going to have a different story.

That is why I will tag this thread “The reason why not to keep in touch with ex.”

Nevertheless, I agree with everything in your previous post.

TheCongo