I have been 'disengaged' from a lady for over two years now after dating her for like 5 yrs. She decided to marry another person cause she thought I was not ready financially and mentally for the marriage. I now reside in the UK and we got in contact again on face-book and started exchanging messages (Just pleasantries) .Of recent she dropped me her phone number and I decided to call her after much rumination. We started gisting and got talking about why she left and said I might not be where I am today if I did not leave her and stuffs.

It is now 3 days now and she want us to talk every day and when we do we discuss the past and the good times we had together (She started the gist). I am wondering if contacting her and discussing issues like this could have a negative impact on her or her relationship.

I like her so much but she is gone and I wouldn't want a broken marriage for her no matter what. I am disturbed hope contacting her can not be disastrous to her or even me.

Don't keep in touch with ex. You may end up in hot water like this lady:

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-590275.0.html



TheCongo

In this particular case, you would be wise to back off.

This replies are quite instructive but can you give me point what possible things could I do to harm her by doing this.I need advice and this is like the 4th day again and I am sure she will call.

persist:

I have been 'disengaged' from a lady for over two years now after dating her for like 5 yrs. She decided to marry another person cause she thought I was not ready financially and mentally for the marriage. I now reside in the UK and we got in contact again on face-book and started exchanging messages (Just pleasantries) .Of recent she dropped me her phone number and I decided to call her after much rumination. We started gisting and got talking about why she left and said I might not be where I am today if I did not leave her and stuffs.

It is now 3 days now and she want us to talk every day and when we do we discuss the past and the good times we had together (She started the gist). I am wondering if contacting her and discussing issues like this could have a negative impact on her or her relationship.

I like her so much but she is gone and I wouldn't want a broken marriage for her no matter what. I am disturbed hope contacting her can not be disastrous to her or even me.

Honestly, I don't know why a married woman will be so interested in having a conversation with her ex about the 'past' . . .

What's the point of remembering

I don't think you should encourage such discussions. You guys have talked about why she left and all that and that's fine . . . but that should be it!

Talking everyday is completely unnecessary!

Let sleeping dogs lie . . .

I suggest you tell her politely to stop calling you too often for both of your good. It could bring back some emotional attachments which could be harmful to her marriage and your own relationship too.

persist:

This replies are quite instructive but can you give me point what possible things could I do to harm her by doing this.I need advice and this is like the 4th day again and I am sure she will call.

persist:

I wouldn't want a broken marriage for her no matter what.

You have answered your own question

hmmmm! We seem to have same thing going on,

//

persist:

I have  been 'disengaged' from a lady for over two years now after dating her for like 5 yrs. She decided to marry another person cause she thought I was not ready   financially and mentally for the marriage.  I now reside in the UK and we got in contact again on face-book and started exchanging   messages (Just pleasantries) .Of recent she dropped me her phone number and I decided to call her after much rumination. We started gisting and got talking about why she left and said I might not be where I am today if I did not leave her and stuffs.

It is now 3 days now and she want us to talk every day  and when we do we discuss the past and the good times we had together (She started the gist). I am wondering if contacting her and discussing issues like this could have a negative impact on her or her relationship.

I like her so much but she is gone and I wouldn't want a broken marriage for her no matter what. I am disturbed hope  contacting her can not be disastrous to  her or even me.    

The most likely scenario, from the way you said the story, is that she has realised she made an error.

I bet when she dumped you after 5 years of relationship and married someone else, she had no contrition, her happiness was paramount and you could not guarantee it. No more "we", it was "me".

Now, in my view, there are likely 2 possibilities:

1) She is not happy in her [rushed] relationship and regrets dumping you. Most likely her relationship is/has breaking/broken down and she realises marriage is not easy and money does not guarantee a good marriage. She wishes she can get back with you and if you take her back, or at least have a fling where you treat her right, she would be very happy and also feel loved and special since you can overlook her egregious wrong and still love her.

2) Her guilt has finally caught up with her and she needs to stop feeling like a bad person so is trying to be your friend to see if you have forgiven. If you have forgiven, then she can begin to forgive herself and stop feeling bad out of guilt.

In my view, don't give her the satisfaction she is looking for. She has done what she wanted, and although frankly it is not by force anybody has to be with you, but that does not mean she has not wronged you, depending on how the dumping was done, most likely she was playing you by the end. Hardly would any woman leave a relationship of 5 years (that is not abusive) without having already lined up a substitute suitor to move on to.

You can have different degrees of revenge, if you are so disposed:

1) Cut her off. Let her know where she stands. Soft

2) Continue talking to her, be sweet, kind and lovely. Let her feel like if she is missing the perfect guy that did not deserve what he got and she messed up but be vague most times and never let her know for sure if (a) she has a chance of coming back or not, or (b) she is forgiven. Let her mentally suffer without you doing anything. Moderate

3) Encourage her and lead her on. Get down with her by hitting that thing and then keep her at distance and make her feel unwanted and inadequate in a subtle way, whilst still being nice to her so it does not look like revenge. She would be able to deal with revenge as she knows she deserves it, but not knowing where she stands she would struggle with. Make sure she can never be happy in her marriage by making her want you and always happy when with you but you will not take her back on full time basis. Hard

Take your pick.

Yes they should talk to each other.

yes, but once in 20 years.

//

chaircover:

Hmmmmmm sagamite you haven’t factored in the possibility of the poster falling for this woman again whilst he is in the process of playing these mind games.

Hope you have plan B up your sleeve o! or this woman may reduce the poster to jelly all over again. This is a woman remember . . . and she will catch him in her net if he swims too close.

If he falls for her, then he is a Mugu, I can't help him. There is no course unit on mugu conversion in the Masterclass I give to men titled:

"Being a Real/Cave Man in the modern world, F Metrosexualism".

The way he put the story, she comes across as a "me, me, me" and is out to get what "she" wants camourflaged under being a nice and friendly woman, which most guys fall for unfortunately and see women as innocent and good-hearted.

chaircover:

On the other hand it could be that she is only just being friendly and doesn’t give a toss about the poster and she wouldn’t even notice if he stopped taking her calls. Such is life

Very unlikely.

She was the one that contacted him, dropped her number, is trying to chat everyday and instigating conversations that reminisce on the good times. She wants something.

As my friend once told me: "Homeboy, women know what they want, never allow them to play stewpid".

chaircover:

IMO there is no one size fits all answer to this dilemma, so poster. I suggest that you act on your instincts.

In this case, the poster is to look into himself and identify how he will react & how strong his resolve will be if the ex girlfriend decides to home in on him especially now that both of you are not talking about the price of gari in the market or business deals but you are talking about sensitive topics such as the good old times. . . .EVERYDAY

If he knows that he wont be able to stand the heat in the kitchen, it may be a good idea for him to move a few steps back from this new woman in his life before things get too deep.

Lol you edited your post.

You said you don't mind if your hubby communicates with his ex as long as there is nthg hidden in it. So you really don't mind if they both talk everyday, especially if she's single?

I thought ex's should remain ex's

@ Poster, this lady you dated for 5 years dumped you. Why not let bye gone be bye gone? Now from your story, you & your ex have been communicating, & secretly too. It is now a daily affair & seems to have awakened old faeelings both ways. Now you say you do not want this move to brake up her marriage. It will surely brake up her marriage if you continue to communicate with her, because sooner or later, her husband will get to know. In your own interest back off now. There was no need for any reunion since the lady dumped you after dating you for 5 whole years. And you think such a lady can ever be loyal to you should you take her back. I think not. Afterall there are many fishes in the ocean. Forget the past & move on, in your own interest. @Topic, I do not support that ex's should talk to each other, because one thing will always lead to another, & before you know it, there is a problem, just like the one the poster is experiencing.

//

//

chaircover:

IMO there is no one size fits all answer to this dilemma, so poster. I suggest that you act on your instincts.

In this case, the poster is to look into himself and identify how he will react & how strong his resolve will be if the ex girlfriend decides to home in on him especially now that both of you are not talking about the price of gari in the market or business deals but you are talking about sensitive topics such as the good old times. . . .EVERYDAY

If he knows that he wont be able to stand the heat in the kitchen, it may be a good idea for him to move a few steps back from this new woman in his life before things get too deep.

Madam chaircover chaircover chaircover. how many times did i call u? Eh, you see, you have spoken well, even though you have edited the post.
Our ancestors say ''person wey dey chop spanish delicacy everyday go one day one day hunger for garri and granut.''

As for our brother who is seeking advice,- Chief Sagamite done talk am finish. Just make sure you don't show up to work with sleepy eyes after extra cool.

chaircover:

@sagamite, from my reading between the lines, he already has a soft spot for the woman.

For most of us, if we were left high and dry after a 5 year relationship (not 5 months o!), we would immediately reject their “be a friend request” on facebook, and most certainly not get into “the good old days” conversations with them.

I think you need to enrol the poster on that your course for a start  

Yeah, I spotted it too.

It is understandable after 2 years to be calm enough to accept a friend request but it is even more likely he would when "why" has not been adequately addressed when he loved someone for 5 years and was left high and dry.

He comes across as a nice guy, you can even see it when he was thinking about her interest (not breaking her marriage) before thinking about his. He was surely the giver in the relationship, whilst she was the receiver under the giver-receiver rules of relationships.

Such nice guys are the most likely victims of the type of women that misbehave or are heartless. Most young girls are drama-hunters, they seek a bad-boy or a thug when they are in their prime, and use good boys. When they are in a relationship with good guys, they take, when with a bad guy, they give, give, give despite being treated as shyt and not getting much in return. The finer they are, the more likely they will tow that line as they are used to guys wanting to give them and they need a challenge and don't want it so easy. That is one of the first things one would learn in the Masterclass.

Sagamite:

Yeah, I spotted it too.

It is understandable after 2 years to be calm enough to accept a friend request but it is even more likely he would when "why" has not been adequately addressed when he loved someone for 5 years and was left high and dry.

He comes across as a nice guy, you can even see it when he was thinking about her interest (not breaking her marriage) before thinking about his. He was surely the giver in the relationship, whilst she was the reciever under the giver-receiver rules of relationships.

Such nice guys are the most likely victims of the type of women that misbehave or are heartless. Most young girls are drama-hunters, they seek a bad-boy or a thug when they are in their prime, and use good boys. When they are in a relationship with good guys, they take, when with a bad guy, they give, give, give despite being treated as shyt and not getting much in return. The finer they are, the more likely they will tow that line as they are used to guys wanting to give them and they need a challenge and don't want it so easy. That is one of the first things one would learn in the Masterclass.

You are mean!

Stop troubling yourself and let by-gone be by-gone.I also used to have my ex's number off-hand and it took me a while to forget about her just because i couldn't forget her easily.
I finally got myself free when she changed her number and we lost communication.the point here is that,you should let her be.wht would you kill yourself over a married woman ?

//

persist:

This replies are quite instructive but can you give me point what possible things could I do to harm her by doing this.I need advice and this is like the 4th day again and I am sure she will call.

what are the things she can gain from the renewed contact if not to prove that if you had married her, she would have cheated on you with one of other exs.

@poster
You are fishing in troubled waters already. If you are not careful you will get deeply involved since its clear that you have a soft spot for her. You are better off letting sleeping dogs lie. She may just be using you to cool off while having a bad time in her marriage or shes regretting and having "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. Whichever way i see trouble brewing if you are not careful. By the way are you in a relationship and do you love the person?

Ujujoan:

You are mean!

Wetin I do?

stop taking her calls. let her leave you a msg after 20 unanswered messages, she will go away.
by the way, ask of how she is doing, hubby/kids instead of allowing her to rabble or go into the memory lane. when she is done talking, tell her your gf/fiance is on the other line that you will call her back then hug up.

you are in UK so you should know better bo

My brother just read the post. His advice, 'chop ur cake and have it then leave it'.

, chei!sagamite the masterclass instructor,i feel you. @poster shine your eyezzz

, chei!sagamite the masterclass instructor,i feel you. @poster shine your eyezzz

X's na pastence jare!

Back-off dammit!!