How are you fellas doing? I didn’t post this earlier in the day ‘cos I didn’t want to get blamed when your boss catches you faffing around in the office when you are supposed to be slaving away and you’ll say, ‘its because of that stupid Chimezie and his stupid blog sef.’ Now that we have gotten that out of the way, here’s this weeks’ funny story,

Some years ago, I was having a tiff with my mom and being in the house was pretty unbearable. Momsi was the ultimate ‘peace enforcer’ back in the days (she still is sha, but age has somehow slowed her down.) Step out of line and she would flog the shit-Bleep out of you with one of her omnipresent canes or heavy slippers and THEN, she would give you the cold shoulder to make sure you really got the message. Those were trying times, especially as my younger brother and I couldn’t seem to stay the hell out of trouble!

While sulking around the house, I remembered that the youths organized a vigil scheduled to be held that evening in the church premises. Seeing as the atmosphere at home was kinda charged, I decided that I was gonna go for it and get some respite and maybe in the process I would find Jesus. When I told momsi I was leaving for the vigil, she looked at me funny; like how we would react if Goodluck Jonathan admitted that he is an incompetent leader. Up to that point I had never showed any active interest in religious matters and I’m sure she knew my motive for going was crooked, but she let me go without any questions.

The vigil was boring (God forgive me!) After approximately 19.5 seconds, I wished I was home playing Pro Evolution Soccer on my Playstation but it was too late to leave and go home so I hunkered down and began to curse myself very vehemently. Naturally I was in one of the back rows so I figured I would pretend to look interested in the proceedings for an hour or two, then doze off till dawn.

Around 2am, I woke up to some commotion. It appeared that the ‘man of God’ had taken it upon himself to ‘cast out demons’ from members of the congregation. People around me were ‘speaking in tongues’ and experiencing spiritual orgasms while I stood there with a bewildered look on my face. The man was going from person to person, laying his hands on their foreheads and causing them to ‘fall under the anointing’ (like my ‘guy’ Vanessa informs me.) Omo, this shit wasn’t funny o! I looked frantically towards the exit doors but they were all locked! Damnit! I began to have nightmares o! What if I didn’t fall down and roll on the floor in spasms like the others? Would they think I was evil? I began conjuring up images of church elders sitting with my parents and telling them solemnly, ‘your son is a motherfucking DEVIL!’ Omo, it wasn’t funny o!

Suddenly, my brain ‘touched’. I think we all share that trait in my family, Our brains dey touch bad bad. Omo, I swore I wasn’t gonna fall down ‘cos of no preacher man! I began mean-mugging the guy as he drew closer, firming up my resolve not to succumb. When he got to me, he took in the animosity on my face and saw a challenge. He apparently didn’t want no ‘small boy’ to intimidate him so he chanted some words (spoke in tongues, whatever) and lay his hand on my forehead. I half expected an electrifying sensation to ripple through me and toss me to the ground like a rag doll and I was half relieved and half disappointed when nothing happened. The guy stepped back and assessed me critically. This motherfucker wants to embarrass me abi, he must have thought. He laid his hand on me again, and this time he pushed my head backwards with some force, hoping to make me lose my balance and fall so he could chalk it up as another ‘victory’. I staggered backwards slightly, but regained my balance and fixed him with the most evil look I could possibly muster and believe me, it was as evil as hell! The fella was gonna try again but when he saw that look, he wisely moved on to the next person who fell down right on cue,

All through the remainder of the evening, the guy kept attacking demons who resided in people (read Chimezie here) and how God was stronger than any demon. I was bristling with anger but hey, shebi na me carry myself come. I sat there and endured another 3 hours of his blistering sermons and prayers until the vigil officially ended and I was the first person out of the door, making my way through it even before it had fully opened sef!

When I got home, momsi asked me how the vigil went and I responded, ‘fine’. What else could I have said?

Have a great weekend!

Hey there!

Nice post, Now off to check out your blog.

You could also find mine at afrosays.. I write short stories.