Great contributions guys. I will like what you all think on involving friends in this thread too

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=637759.msg8050737#msg8050737

talina:

And I also feel this way because of past personal experience. Everyone needs a " sounding board" at times in life, but finding an objective one can be hard. I guess its about finding the right partner,with the same views about working out problems. Relationships work out better, anywhere on the planet, if family is not dragged into a couples disagreements.

.

Well, both people have to have the desire to work hard at the relationship and make it work. I know a couple who divorced simply because the wife was married to her family and NOT her husband. How about another family who was trying to oust the wife and encourage the husband to marry his "mistress." Why? Because the husband would go demonizing his wife to his evil father all the time. Or another couple who broke up because she would go telling her parents their business. In return, she got some bad counselling because of the way her parents felt about him in the first place: He was Igbo, and they didn't care for igbos period).

You see where I'm going with this?

deniyor:

Very insightful Mrs Chima. Would you say the same apply to non married couples say new relationships, long term relationships etc?

It applies to all relationship but marriage is more serious in my opinion than dating relationship.  I don't believe in divorce and think families should let husband and wife BE HUSBAND AND WIFE.

I know shocking!  All Americans doesn't support divorce unless it is life threatening.  I will not stay with Mr. Chima if he is threatening to kill me. Come on!  

Mr. Chima isn't like that so I am not worrying about nothing.  A woman can do that when she knows she got a good man.  

deniyor:

so who do you use as your sounding board?  If you and you partner are at logger heads, who do you use as your sounding board?
Are you single, in a relationship or married?

Like I said, its hard to find an objective person. A brutally honest friend if your lucky to have one. Or even being honest with ourselves can go a long way.

Being open minded,comprimising, and respectful, with your partner, not confrontational, sure helps.

Ive been in relationships.

Mrs.Chima:

It applies to all relationship but marriage is more serious in my opinion than dating relationship.  I don't believe in divorce and think families should let husband and wife BE HUSBAND AND WIFE.

I know shocking!  All Americans doesn't support divorce unless it is life threatening.  I will not stay with Mr. Chima if he is threatening to kill me. Come on!  

Mr. Chima isn't like that so I am not worrying about nothing.  A woman can do that when she knows she got a good man.  

Lax75:

.

Well, both people have to have the desire to work hard at the relationship and make it work. I know a couple who divorced simply because the wife was married to her family and NOT her husband. How about another family who was trying to oust the wife and encourage the husband to marry his "mistress." Why? Because the husband would go demonizing his wife to his evil father all the time. Or another couple who broke up because she would go telling her parents their business. In return, she got some bad counselling because of the way her parents felt about him in the first place: He was Igbo, and they didn't care for igbos period).

You see where I'm going with this?

Yes, I see

Lax75:

.

Well, both people have to have the desire to work hard at the relationship and make it work. I know a couple who divorced simply because the wife was married to her family and NOT her husband. How about another family who was trying to oust the wife and encourage the husband to marry his "mistress." Why? Because the husband would go demonizing his wife to his evil father all the time. Or another couple who broke up because she would go telling her parents their business. In return, she got some bad counselling because of the way her parents felt about him in the first place: He was Igbo, and they didn't care for igbos period).

You see where I'm going with this?

Now you see why I said FAMILIES need to let HUSBAND AND WIFE be husband and wife?  My husband and I do not share anything personal between us to our families.  We do not want our families take side and if Mr. Chima and I have a disagreement WE KEEP IT BETWEEN US and work it out.  

I was raised with married women who always tell me when you get married MAKE IT WORK and do not divorce unless it is life threatening and your spouse going around screwing anything and everything.  Other than that MAKE IT WORK is the married women in my region motto.  MAKE IT WORK.   That's why people need to get to know whom they are marrying before they sign the contract and know the weaknesses and strengths not just strengths.  

Marriage requires WORK and DESIRE to be in it FOR A LONG TIME but the moment one ball dropped it is over.  If you don't have stamina for work you will not have stamina for marriage or relationship for that matter.

deniyor:

You think a Nigerian man or woman with COMMON SENSE will stay in a marriage if their spouse is threatening to kill them literally? You know you won't!

Mrs.Chima:

You think a Nigerian man or woman with COMMON SENSE will stay in a marriage if their spouse is threatening to kill them literally? You know you won't!

I do agree with you on the life threatening and incessant cheating. Its just I've seen so many marriages crumble for the most frivolous of reasons.

@ Talina : Being open minded,comprimising, and respectful, with your partner, not confrontational, sure helps.

- You hit the nail on the head. If both partners had these characteristics, there would be no temptation to go off on a sounding board. Why do people involve outsiders in the first place? Because they feel they can't talk to their partners. Why? Becuase they lack these characteristics. Very important that your partner feel comfortable enough with you to talk to you about anything. Be a good listener.

@Talina
have you ever had a partner confide in private things to friends and/or family before?  If so how did you deal with it?

Lax75:

@ Talina : Being open minded,comprimising, and respectful, with your partner, not confrontational, sure helps.

- You hit the nail on the head. If both partners had these characteristics, there would be no temptation to go off on a sounding board. Why do people involve outsiders in the first place? Because they feel they can't talk to their partners. Why? Becuase they lack these characteristics. Very important that your partner feel comfortable enough with you to talk to you about anything. Be a good listener.

Exactly!

talina:

Like I said, its hard to find an objective person. A brutally honest friend if your lucky to have one. Or even being honest with ourselves can go a long way.

Being open minded,comprimising, and respectful, with your partner, not confrontational, sure helps.

Ive been in relationships.

.

You never got mad enough to throw a tantrum before or are you always the cool headed type no matter what?

deniyor:

I do agree with you on the life threatening and incessant cheating. Its just I've seen so many marriages crumble for the most frivolous of reasons.

I hate Divorce Court with a passion. I wrote to Judge Toler on the show that she should encourage people to STAY MARRIED if it is over the dumbest shit.

She wrote me back saying that she agree but she is trying but people do not listen. I wrote back saying TRY HARDER!

Divorce laws should be STRICT.

deniyor:

@Talina
have you ever had a partner confide in private things to friends and/or family before?  If so how did you deal with it?

Yes I have. How did I deal with it? Well in my case, I felt kinda betrayed because I needed my partner to be talking to me but he wasnt mature enough to face our issue head on. I felt like biased conclusions were being drawn without me being there to speak. Everyone needs to be heard! I couldnt deal with it because he wasnt willing to so we are no longer together.

Gotta tell your partner how this makes you feel and then see what happens. Its all you can really do.

;d

Mrs.Chima:

I hate Divorce Court with a passion. I wrote to Judge Toler on the show that she should encourage people to STAY MARRIED if it is over the dumbest poo.

She wrote me back saying that she agree but she is trying but people do not listen. I wrote back saying TRY HARDER!

Divorce laws should be STRICT.

LMAO Oh girl you sure are one crazy one. Respect

deniyor:

.

You never got mad enough to throw a tantrum before or are you always the cool headed type no matter what?

Oh I didnt see this! Hmmm, Ive gotten mad before of course.I am not always cool headed. I just strive to do things better.

Only one WOMAN every been so close to me.

deniyor:
So does that mean you never get relationship advice from your parents? how about your sibling?

Well, my mother likes to give me general relationship advice. She's never advised me on any relationship. I'm very independent on that sense. She's open-minded in comparison to other mothers and fathers I've heard of, but she's not as open-minded as I'd like lol. For that reason, I deal with things myself.

talina:

Oh I didnt see this! Hmmm, Ive gotten mad before of course.I am not always cool headed. I just strive to do things better.

Whew!!! That makes you more human to me. Being cool headed all the time is quite scary, you never know when the person might lose it, and when they do, no where is good enough to hide the offending party.
I agree, the idea is always to try to improve.

Did you make it to the stampede this year?

deniyor:

Whew!!! That makes you more human to me. Being cool headed all the time is quite scary, you never know when the person might lose it, and when they do, no where is good enough to hide the offending party.
I agree, the idea is always to try to improve.

Did you make it to the stampede this year?

Yes, too cool all the time makes one wonder,
I didnt go to the stampede this year. Its not really my kind of thing.Have you been before?

talina:

Yes, too cool all the time makes one wonder,
I didnt go to the stampede this year. Its not really my kind of thing.Have you been before?

I've been around a lady who maintain her cool no matter what. I try goading her to see if she will lose it. I was quite disappointed and bored.

Yeah I have been to a stampede couple of years ago. I quite enjoyed it apart from the inavailability of hotel rooms. Whats your kinda thing to do in Calgary?

deniyor:

I've been around a lady who maintain her cool no matter what. I try goading her to see if she will lose it. I was quite disappointed and bored.

Yeah I have been to a stampede couple of years ago. I quite enjoyed it apart from the inavailability of hotel rooms. Whats your kinda thing to do in Calgary?

Haha! @ disappointed and board!
I havnt spent much time in Calgary these days. I was going to go to a music festival there this summer but it didnt happen.I think Id rather just drive past Calgary and continue on to the mountains.

talina:

Haha! @ disappointed and board!
I havnt spent much time in Calgary these days. I was going to go to a music festival there this summer but it didnt happen.I think Id rather just drive past Calgary and continue on to the mountains.

Sounds like a farm girl.

deniyor:

Sounds like a farm girl.

I do love nature and wild places

deniyor:
Would you discuss your family squabbles or quarrels with him?
The folks around here tend to meet the kids gf/bfs on a regular and almost treat him / her like family ( supper, going on ski trips etc) already till the nasty breakup. It's easier to seperate them when your folks live in a different city or region.

Again not unless I am serious about that person and know that they want me and take the relationship serious as well.

Otherwise they would still be considered a total stranger to my folks so no need to explain my family issues with someone who in the end may not be part of my family.

Gotta play it smart.