Dear Cary,

With as many emotionally devastating issues that cross your desk and the painful dilemmas that other readers find themselves in, I'm a little hesitant to ask for advice regarding my situation. I perceive my problem to be fairly small, and most would think it a good problem to have. However, it has been occupying much time and emotional energy, so I would like any guidance you can give me.

I have been involved with a wonderful woman for four years. We are great together and pretty much always have been -- we have lots of fun, we love and respect each other deeply, and when we have differences we settle them with open and adult discussion. We recently got engaged and are still basking in the glow of that commitment. We are excited to build our lives even more together than we have in the past few years. However, there appears to be one issue with which we are having a hard time: money.

I was fortunate enough to make a fair amount of money 10-15 years ago, when I was barely out of college. Through a combination of hard work, good timing and just plain luck I managed to amass a sizable nest egg in addition to buying a nice house in a good neighborhood. Getting completely burned out on my previous career, I took a few years off to collect myself and work on other projects. Now, I am involved in several different things, none of which have the potential to make a great deal of income in the future. I am fine with this, and could support myself indefinitely with a modest lifestyle.

My dear fiancée is a hard-charging, independent, successful professional with a good income. She has been through some previous financial difficulties, but those are pretty much behind her now and her future is quite bright. She is a hard worker and has built her career through determination and resilience. For this, along with many other of her traits, I have a lot of respect and admiration.

The bottom line is that I have a lot of money now and don't intend to make very much more, while she has no money now and intends to make a lot. As I said before, most would think this a good problem to have and I very much agree. That being said, it is causing some problems with regards to how we think about money and deal with our merged finances.

Our state is a community property state. Without explicit action, any money one brings into the marriage remains prior separate property, and any money that is made during the marriage is community property. Neither of us is anticipating anything short of a lifelong commitment, so what's the issue? Well, my fiancée has said she is not comfortable with keeping my portfolio as my separate property even with me suggesting I retitle the house immediately to "us." I am not comfortable tossing the portfolio immediately into the community bucket. After much discussion and soul searching, we are at loggerheads. And it's over an issue that we believe will probably never come to pass, despite the real statistics that indicate it's a 50/50 chance.

But my worry is in the remote possibility that something does go wrong, she would be entitled to half of my net worth. Besides the heartbreak, that would force me to cease the lifestyle I have worked hard to create and necessitate moving back into a more traditional career (which I am loath to do). And her worry is that by holding back this money, I am therefore holding back from our marriage and not ready to fully commit. I disagree and feel fully ready to commit -- I guess I might be more pragmatic or just consider love and money in two separate universes? Maybe the emotional heartbreak would so outweigh the financial pain that it doesn't really matter? Maybe this will all be a moot point in five years if/when we have kids?

We can each see the other's point of view. If our scenario was reversed, we each believe we might take the other's opinion. Neither of us wants a prenuptial agreement or anything that romance-killing. We also don't want to keep our financial dealings totally separate as we are in this together for the long haul. Is planning for the worst taking away from the weight of the commitment?

We both come from parents who divorced when we were quite young. I have acquaintances who have endured painful divorces, including several who were well off and were left financially bereft. Yet we are both assuming that we have chosen the right partner and will never have to go through the heartbreak. But I guess every couple who gets married goes into it believing they will not be a statistic.

How can we bridge this gap? How can we think about this such that each of us is happy and satisfied and not feeling taken advantage of? How can we compromise and move on?

Thank you for any assistance you can provide.

Good Problem


http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2011/04/05/marriage_and_money/index.html

why ask ?

Mr, Cork:

emmatok. Bro, are you a farmer?

Mr, Cork:

emmatok. Bro, are you a farmer?

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