I'm currently three months pregnant. The 'sperm donor' does not want to be involved, either emotionally or financially. He told me to get an abortion because the child I am carrying is not "proper or legitimate" (his words, not mine).

I am 26 going on 27 -- not too young to have a child or to raise a child on my own. However, my concern is for my child.

My question to NairaLanders: if you were in my shoes, would you give the baby the father's last name

The father has a popular Igbo last name -- OKON. I am inclined to give my child my maternal grandfather's first name -- OLATINWO. But for the fact that he doesn't want to be involved, I don't want to pressure him by naming the child 'Okon'. On the other hand, our last names tell us about our ancestors and give us a sense of belonging. And I don't want to rob my child of that privilege.

I intentionally left out all background information about my involvement with this man. I just want some straight, mature answers from people who are sane, can reason, and speak with common sense. Speaking from experience would also help.

Please, for the love of God, no one should mention the word 'bast*rd' while reply. Thanks!

Give your son the most appropriate last name --- I like Olatinwo --- he'll trace it back to your family. Since you've started to do things the non-traditional way, why not continue --- give him a last name of your choice and xplain this to him when he grows up.

obowunmi:

Give your son the most appropriate last name --- I like Olatinwo --- he'll trace it back to your family. Since you've started to do things the non-traditional way, why not continue --- give him a last name of your choice and xplain this to him when he grows up.

Things like what??

Didn't you read the story. Its a non-traditional way of birthing, finding a sperm donor. The traditional way is to marry and then give birth. I've not said its right or wrong, I've only referred it to the non-traditional way.

Didn't you read the story. Its a non-traditional way of birthing, finding a sperm donor. The traditional way is to marry and then give birth. I've not said its right or wrong, I've only referred it to the non-traditional way.

@obowunmi: Sorry if the term 'sperm donor' is misleading. In the States we use that to refer to men like him -- instead of cussing him out every chance I get. This is a man I knew for 3.5yrs and we had discussed marriage in the future. Technically, he is NOT a sperm donor (I did not randomly select his sperm for fertilization with my egg). He just doesn't want to take responsibility in any way for his actions.

First the pros of your last name- You will be able to stand proud on his wedding day knowing that your son, his wife, and his children will carry on the last name that has nurtured him and turned him into the wonderful man that he is, and not the last name of the guy that ran from the opportunity and pretended your son didn't exist. Also, it will make it easier to travel if you carry the same name as your son. Another positive aspect of your last name is that you won't have to explain anything to strangers when registering your son for school, or at the doctor's office. Another great aspect of giving your son your last name is that when you get married in the future, you will have an easier time changing his last name to your husbands if thats what you want to do.

The pros of giving your child his 'father's' name- First, a man is naturally supposed to carry on a legacy with his last name. The 'father' might be an a$$hole but he may have great people in his bloodline that your son will be proud to share a last name with. Another pro, would be that giving your child the paternal last name would show that you are not confused about who and whose this child is, even though the 'father' doesn't want anything to do with him. This suggests that you are certain enough about his paternity that you gave him the 'fathers' last name, so that later on down the line he can't lie and say that you didn't make it clear that the child was his, or any other foolish excuse about why he wasn't there.

A hyphenated name might give you the best of both worlds, however it is not as easy when it comes to official forms and documents, and eventually the child may choose to drop one and I think it may hurt if the child chooses to take the absent 'fathers' name.

*Son or daughter.

Aaaah ok, thanks for clarifying. Well then, I think the child deserves the Father's last name but if this man denies the child I would give him a last name of your choice.

I know of someone in the UK so had children by 4 different men and without shame, they all share her last name. So be confident and decide what works for you, esp. If you know this man wants nothing to do with the child.

//

Give your baby is father's last name will be my suggestion for balance a child needs both parents if all u can wrestle from okon is d name your child deserves it, Obama bears his father's last name he is under no illusion what his mother means to him. I wish your child greatness and you d wisdom to bring him up.

@Nekai

You brought up some interesting points that I did not think of. I am definitely not confused about my child's paternity. I wasn't dating anyone else, and I was only intimate with this man once before he left for Nigeria -- a week after we had sex. This man is perfectly sure he is the father. But down the line he can say a lot of crazy s#it because he has already said my pregnancy is not proper or legitimate. That is one of the reasons I like your pro for 'Okon' -- so that the baby's paternity is never a question.

I also like the hyphenated option. It is something I didn't think of! Now that you mention it sha, I'll definitely consider it.

As an aside, OLATINWO is not my last name. My legal name is not my family name -- I was born SMITH* but on paper it is WILLIAMS*. My father didn't like his name so he changed our family name some years back. I don't want to name this child 'Williams' but I can't name him 'Smith' either. (Hope that makes sense, ?)

That's why I'm thinking 'Olatinwo' in reference to my grandfather who was a great man in his community. Plus, my grandfather died about two years ago. I miss him and I'm trying to give my son a male figure to look up to.



*Examples, not actual names.

@chaircover
ahhh that's the other problem I'm facing. To include the father's name on the BC.

It is not mandatory in the U.S. and I was going to leave it blank (which is what actually brought up the last name issue). The man in question is involved in Nigerian politics. I don't even want to tell my family his name because I keep asking myself how I could've been so stupid.

I was going to wait until I'm closer to delivery before asking him if he's sure he wants nothing to do with his child. If his answer is still no, then I wont force the issue.


@horny2u
Thanks for the well wishes.

The laws of who you can list as the father, and also what last name you can give vary from U.S. state to state. You can probably check the state specific laws online.

What to tell your family is a very tricky subject. Being truthful causes you the least headache, but the most potential scrutiny. At this point, you can create whatever reality you want here. I would advise you to simply tell them the truth, but wait until closer to delivery in case they start stressing you out about it. You don't need to spend the next six months getting beat up by family, because it sounds like you are already beating yourself up about the situation.

if you were in my shoes, would you give the baby the father's last name

Abortion still dey reign these days?
The dude must be a buuuuush man gannnn!!!

If you as a woman gets pregnant without marrying the father of the child. . . the child is yours. That child bears your name.
If you are married then the child belongs to the father. . .HIS NAME will be on the birth certificate.

The 'sperm-donor' according to you does not care.  I would NOT give the baby the mans's last name. If he wants the name changed. . . he would have to get it changed himself in the future.

The child is yours!

The father has a popular Igbo last name -- OKON. I am inclined to give my child my maternal grandfather's first name -- OLATINWO. But for the fact that he doesn't want to be involved, I don't want to pressure him by naming the child 'Okon'. On the other hand, our last names tell us about our ancestors and give us a sense of belonging. And I don't want to rob my child of that privilege.

Is Okon not "Calabar"?
OLATINWO is just as good as OKON.
The hood does not make a monk or a monkey.
You child will find his own destiny as God has planned. . . and nothing to do with our ancestors.

*Gavel Pounds*!

Caaaaaase Dismissed.

This court stands in recess.

Man is involved with politics and you got pregnant for him, did you hope he'd marry you ? What was going thru your head--

What to tell your family is a very tricky subject. Being truthful causes you the least headache, but the most potential scrutiny. At this point, you can create whatever reality you want here. I would advise you to simply tell them the truth, but wait until closer to delivery in case they start stressing you out about it. You don't need to spend the next six months getting beat up by family, because it sounds like you are already beating yourself up about the situation.

I told my older sister, my youngest sister, and a friend. No one else. I'm not ready to deal with the judgements, questions, disapprovals, or anybody else's emotional reaction to my being pregnant. It would just be too much on top of everything else right now.

None of the people I told even know the man's name.

Plus you know how you get hormonal?? I cry every time it comes up even when I don't mean to.



@obowunmi
Take the 'politician' out of it and he is only a man. That was who I knew and saw.

Oga! O lo doko daran.

@Blazsay
I didn't grow up in Nigeria so those ethnic differences mean little (ie. Igbo, Calabar, Efik, etc.) to me.

obowunmi:

Oga! O lo doko daran.

Yeah you can say that again. Regardless, it's a shame the kind of reputation Nigerian politicians have given themselves. And we all let them get away with it.

Unless ure a desperate woman in search of money but most sensible women stay away from politicians --- then again, ure far-removed from Nigeria/its daily culture and world.

.

obowunmi:

Unless ure a desperate woman in search of money but most sensible women stay away from politicians --- then again, ure far-removed from Nigeria/its daily culture and world.

I mentioned that I knew this man for 3.5yrs -- since July 2007 when he was sent here on business. (How much longer do people know each other before actually pursuing a relationship??) He led me to think he was serious (like most men do, including non-politicians) and I did not consider a relationship with him until early this year.

Had I known earlier that his time here was up, I probably would have kept ignoring him.

I'm not a desperate woman and find that insulting.


Added a poll. Thread's going a bit off topic.

when did okon become an igbo name abeg?

BabyOkon:

@Blazsay
I didn't grow up in Nigeria so those ethnic differences mean little (ie. Igbo, Calabar, Efik, etc.) to me.

Is that right?
You want to carry 'Calabar' belle to go and give "Igbo" ancestors for Nigeria?
O gal. Straighten your leg o.
E be like say one bend.

I personally would not go with his last name. I understand though what you mean by a sense of belonging to something. The good thing about giving him your own name is that if you marry and have other kids in the future they can have a hyphenated last name that is Your last name - Your husbands name. Your child will not feel so left our because he will still share a common last name with his siblings. In a nutshell I say give the child the your Grandfathers name (Is that also your last name)

^^^^^

She did mention that the names aint real.

I will suggest you give the child your grand father's name, it is much easier to defend.

OP, I also had to decide what name my son would carry and I decided his father's last name would be just fine, I had no issues with it. It is my son's family name whether I am married to his dad or not, it is his lineage, my decision was also based on the fact that boys tend to change their last names later on to that of their fathers so why delay the inevitable, . . . . . .I searched my heart and made sure I was absolutely ok with this decision and I am. This was never about the father but my son so I am at peace with the decision. . . . . . .

Not sure how this would affect you and your child but you might need "sperm donor's permission" to do things like get your child a passport and other things, research this and make sure giving your child the father's name will not impact negatively on you.

Good luck with everything. . . .

@OP,Everyone here has made a good point but have you thought of the future 

Is there chances of reconciliation and comeback for u and Mr Sperm donor or that door is locked permanently?Wud it be easy to correct and change the name in future when and If he comes back or if need be?

If truly,the pregnancy is for this man,why not let the child keep and bear the name?It's not the child's choice that things turned sour . . .s/he atleast deserves a piece of the man's identity,when s/he is of change he can then make the best choice for her/himself.

BTWN,Okon is not an Igbo name . . .it should be either Akwa-ibom or Calabar.(or the disclaimer covers the Okon name as well?)

na wa o

yeah, better store yours and don't  be a spermatozoan donor

OP, if you dey really vex with him, give am ya name. in the future he can change it himself or of baba shows up, he pay to have the cert change.

if you are not upset abt the whole thing, give him his father's name.

armyofone:

yeah, better store yours and don't be a spermatozoan donor

Dont worry much, mine is just for you and your pucci alone

very gutterish mind

^^ See that very suckable b00bie

I will say if i am in ur shoes and 100% sure of the paternity i will give him OKON .
or both .