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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Religion / Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut (3757 Views)
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Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Seun(m): 2:19pm On Feb 10, 2006 |
In the beginning, the Holy Coconut created the big bang. And he spoke unto the big bang and said "expand!" And the big bang expanded and formed the galaxy with all it's stars, moons, and planetary systems including of course the planet earth. And he spoke unto the oh-so-important planet earth and said "grow!" And the planet was covered with plants, microorganisms, and all non-conscious living things including spiritual clay. Finally he spoke unto the spiritual clay and said "awake!" And the spiritual clay was moulded to form higher animals, human beings, and the devil. After those three moments of creation, the Holy Coconut went to sleep for a fourth moment, saying, "I have created a holy universe with equal measures of good and evil. Praise be unto Me!" This same Coconut has sent his revelations unto his chosen ones - those who instinctively understand that the universe in all its complexity could only sprung into existence without the manipulations of an Intelligent Coconut. He has set aside these ones to be kings and priests in the next universe, while those who refuse to believe and confess that the entire Universe is under the control of an Almighty and Holy Coconut will be dismembered tortured in hideous and unimaginable ways for ever and ever. Do the unbelievers deserve never-ending suffering for their inability to comprehend the idea of a Coconut Deity? Absolutely! I was 12 years old when my mother served me with a tasty coconut for dessert. After the meal, I fell asleep and had a vivid dream: a revelation. In the revelation, I was being chased by a translucent army of ghosts. As I ran for my dear life, I stumbled upon a coconut and threw it blindly at them. Would you believe that when I opened my eyes, Holy Coconut be praised, the murderous ghosts had all disappeared? The dream was so vivid that I know without a doubt that I would have died if the Coconut had not intervened. Bad dreams are dangerous like that. The Holy Coconut mercifully revealed himself to me by saving me from certain death! After the near death experience, the Spirit of the Holy Coconut started whispering to my heart. He became my best friend, because I had no friends in real life. He said unto me, "You shall be called coconut, for I have chosen you to teach the world the Way Of The Coconut." Being an obstinate kid, I did not immediately drop all my rational pursuits to pursue this Way. I did not even bother to bug my acquaintances and family about their urgent need to accept the Holy Coconut as Lord. However, when I was told about how a blog can bring me lots of attention and money, I reluctantly decided to open up and tell the people of the world about my faith. For their own good. So please keep reading this blog. As surely as the Holy Coconut lives, you shall not be disappointed. Your life will remain meaningless without the dubious and unprovable ideas and opinions that I am eager to start cramming down your throat. 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by justme: 2:37pm On Feb 10, 2006 |
seun, what are you not saying?? |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Seun(m): 2:46pm On Feb 10, 2006 |
It's for a new blog titled "Holy Coconut". That's the introduction. Was it ok? |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by justme: 2:56pm On Feb 10, 2006 |
oh, i see, the introduction is cool,its just that i had something else in mind and i felt you were just beating about the bush, but now i get you |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by cammax7(m): 6:04pm On Feb 10, 2006 |
Lol. I think Seun is trying to create his own Religion. |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Icon(m): 10:07pm On Feb 10, 2006 |
Na wa o Seun. Is this naijarita stuff or you're serious? |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Seun(m): 12:08am On Feb 11, 2006 |
Hehe. It's satire stuff just like Naijarita but I want to give it it's own independent blog for endless rambling about the Holy Coconut. |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by nferyn(m): 12:21am On Feb 11, 2006 |
Good start, but you should really focus on making it grow. Ensure that their are apostles, theologians, anti-coconuts, coconut persecutions, cartoons about the holy coconut published in Danish newspapers, the appearance of the coconut in one or another case causing coconut pilgrimages, coconut art and literature, .... Turn it into a community thing and be strict on the quality of the editorial content.This is bound to be successful |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Seun(m): 12:49am On Feb 11, 2006 |
Thanks a million, nferyn! I am excited about the opportunity to comment about world politics and society from the point of view of someone who is guided by his faith in the Holy Coconut. |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Maxflame(m): 3:27am On Feb 13, 2006 |
Thats it! no more donkey kong for this guy! |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by ogra2k2(m): 4:51am On Feb 13, 2006 |
The third eye of the Holy Coconut spake unto me and said "whither thou goest" and i said "unto thee oh lamb", And it shed its clear white blood for the remission of evil. Conn2:4 |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Seun(m): 6:52am On Feb 13, 2006 |
Blasphemy! It is not blood, it is milk. His milk was spilled for our predestined mistakes! 2 Likes |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by Seun(m): 10:04pm On Jun 09, 2006 |
Believe in my speculation, or perish! Your maidens and babies shall partake in your just punishment! 1 Like |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by spikelord(m): 12:12am On Jun 10, 2006 |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by hotangel2(f): 1:55am On Jun 10, 2006 |
This is serious. Seun u r sick oo. I cant stop laughing. |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by ademiller(f): 4:47pm On Apr 23, 2008 |
hes so sick i wonder if he needs to b admitted into kuvuki island hospital |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by clemcykul(f): 4:53pm On Apr 23, 2008 |
seun dear wen do i finish readn this ur project of a joke? someone plz summarise |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by tufe(m): 4:57pm On Apr 23, 2008 |
omo, i no fit read abeg. make person summarize give am to me |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by ituen(m): 11:24pm On Apr 23, 2008 |
tufe, if dem sumarise give you, break am down fr me oh |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by clemcykul(f): 9:38am On Apr 24, 2008 |
as u don say brkdown u go see as tufe go hammer dey break the joke |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by naijastyle: 10:33am On Apr 24, 2008 |
because his he is hammer head of horror |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by tufe(m): 11:31am On Apr 24, 2008 |
h3 :d |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by tjtj1(m): 3:19pm On Apr 24, 2008 |
Seun i dunno how tu read |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by tufe(m): 3:27pm On Apr 24, 2008 |
then enrol into kuvuki high skool |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by clemcykul(f): 3:33pm On Apr 24, 2008 |
he get money? |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by tjtj1(m): 3:34pm On Apr 24, 2008 |
lol its for natives, its free. pocahontas for life |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by naijastyle: 3:44pm On Apr 24, 2008 |
but he's not a native |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by tjtj1(m): 3:47pm On Apr 24, 2008 |
i am, infidel |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by ituen(m): 5:51am On Apr 25, 2008 |
go in peace my son |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by clemcykul(f): 9:30am On Apr 25, 2008 |
and return in pieces my prodigal pikin |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by naijastyle: 10:55am On Apr 25, 2008 |
go and sin no more |
Re: Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut by kronkykay(m): 11:11am On Apr 25, 2008 |
sin no more. . . . .smoke weeed some more. . . . |
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