Given today's materialistic nature of women, I subscribe to this idea. Some women don't even want to see a poor man in their dream with the way they are so deep in this culture of materialism today.

If you think being modest about your achievements will land you true love go ahead but don't over play the game. And it also depends on who you are aiming for. Modesty will not help any man aiming for Otedolas girls for instance. I think as a lady you should bring on your A game to land a good man. Show your best part not your worse. And don't allow anyone guilty trip you for going for the best. There's nothing wrong with a man with money. No matter how you pretend we ladies love to have wealthy man or a prospective one. Forget Nollywood love stories. Can he provide for me and my children is not being materialistic. Just make sure you bring something to the table also. Everyone love a good life

pansophist:


I don't think one can fake class for long. If you'll know someone for a reasonably period of time, then its not possible to fake it that long. Hence I said, experience life with that person. That's what friendship and dating is all about.

How do u experience life without tests or trials/tasking situations or is it buy partying all nite or wine tasting together? People fake alot of things u will be surprised.

jaxxy:


How do u experience life without tests or trials/tasking situations or is it buy partying all nite or wine tasting together? People fake a lot of things u will be surprised.

I'm speaking from my own perspective, and I usually do not jump into a relationship straight up. I become friends first, then progressively transition into romance. This way, the propensity to be an actress, and for me to be an actor will not be there. I mean you can only fake it when you know there is a prize (relationship) to be won right?

So from the above response, there is a divergence of paths. I start as friends first, while your statement implies the traditional method of going for a date and so forth. I don't do that. In this area, I'm weird. Friendship will test her patience, there will also be scenarios where her virtue of contentment, dignity, and integrity will be tested.

It is after this preliminary stage, negotiations for dating will occur. I don't want to start discovering you while dating you, I want to have already known you to a reasonable extent before dating. The usual way of first dating, they have lots of sex, then later realize the person is not for you after uncountably forking each other is just wrong, I don't do that. This is my formula and so far, it works for me. I don't want to have the emotional baggage of numerous women in my mind, and wishing I never slept with them.

pansophist:


I'm speaking from my own perspective, and I usually do not jump into relationship straight up. I become friends first, then progressively transition into romance. This way, the propensity to be an actress, and for me to be an actor will not be there. I mean you can only fake it when you know there is a prize (relationship) to be won right?

So from the above response, there is a divergence of path. I start as friends first, while your statement implies the traditional method of going for a date and so forth. I don't do that. In this area, I'm weird. No be me person go deceive lol. Friendship will test her patience, there will also scenarios where here virtue of contentment, dignity and integrity will be be tested.

It is after this preliminary stage, negotiations for dating will occur. I don't want to start discovering you while dating you, I want to have already know you to a reasonable extent before dating. The usual way of first dating, then have lots of sex, then later realise the person is not for you after forking each other is just wrong, I don't do that. This is my formula and so far, it works for me. I don't have emotional baggage of numerous women in my mind, and wishing I never slept with them.

I appreciate the bolded. I think I get ur perspective now. Nice

Absolutely do it if you can

You don't need to belittle yourself. You should start with friendship, the woman will have no idea of your intention. Simply friendship. By then you must have known her personality, if you are still interested then you can graduate to dating.

Not only wife material... and vice versa!!!!

Nothing good comes out of deceit.

Pretend all you want, you go still land on top the same type of women you want to avoid at all cost.

Phew! I read this thread from beginning to the end. My contribution is, a man should do what pleases him. If you're yet unmarried and you're viewing this thread as a man, do what you like o. No be the woman go feed you o. You can check the advice from the ladies here, only one lady agreed that you should keep a low financial profile when looking for a wife. Me, even if I have the money to buy a car, I no go buy am. Also, if I have a house, I'll tell you it's a rented apartment. How do people even determine who has something to offer? I've never looked for a relationship from a woman because she has money. So, let's assume that a lady is 20x richer than me and I did not know but she agrees to date me. If I now discovered she is 20x richer I will run away? B.S. As a man, appearing as if you have nothing is the best approach to getting at least 'a compatible' companion in the present Nigeria's context. Everybody dey street o. Whether you like it or not, dating is a game and it will remain so till Jah comes.

LagosNissan:
Good day!


I want to know if it's right to hide one's achievements like educational, monetary etc because one wants to find true love.



Does it make any sense?


Would a woman be considered bad for rejecting you, if you said you squat with your brother whereas you own a house?

Or that you didn't attend a university whereas you did?

Or that you you didn't have a job whereas you did?

Note that all these are in a bid to test if she is a wife material.

Is it wrong for women to insist on certain things like wealth, educational background, ...

/
The only thing you should disguise about yourself is your wealth. Just be yourself but act like e no dey. Money is like honey that attracts bees. Hide the honey so that you can sieve through the hives. It is very necessary these days...very very necessary!

/

Potatochips:

My dear, she's on her own now, I believe. Everyone has moved on. From my investigations her real status was just that she was an actual nurse and her family was not really suffering as she portrayed. Nothing special.

She was only trying to rope you. If you had accepted her the way she portrayed herself she would have still kept her real status secret and continued to use you as an atm.

You are a sharp guy

oldienavie:

So a progressive woman would not consider a good man who is probably less financially bouyant.
Thats exactly the reason a man needs to downplay his achievements when approaching a man so as to avoid the risk of attracting leaches.
Many women with good head on their shoulders will look at a mans character and prospect not the size of his pocket.
A woman who can reject a man based on the size of his pocket does not deserve that man.

all of you should go and rest. The funny thing is that most of you don't have shishi to your name! see these ones oooh. Men too are out preying on rich ladies for married, so it goes both ways. Stop talking trash abeg! it's always broke asses that seem to have an opinion about everything.

oldienavie:

You are not listening, you are just concocting things.
If I have 10 million naira in my account and I dont tell you as my prospective spouse, it is not deciet, it is discretion.
A man can live a humble life without show off that is not deceit.
I live abroad and I can afford to buy the best car, I dont even drive I just use the public transit, thats not deciet it is discretion and I have a right to that.
The bolded is a wrong assumption on your part, I just gave you a realistic example not the extreme one you are trying to project.

another nairaland nitwit who thinks abroad id heaven! I put it to you that you dont have any money anywhere. Can you borrow or get loan? Yes you can. But you don't have anything to your name. Rich my ass....Bush boy

oldienavie:

This is the reason the Southern part of Nigeria currently has an army of single women in their 30s, and 40s who have refused to setttle down with a struggling man.
The same men they saw has poor in their 20s are the same ones they are now running after and begging them to marry them in their 30s and 40s .
Go to Lagos and most big cities, you see men taking advantage of them because of their desperation.
I am abroad and see a lot of Nigerian women in this category everyday, at the end the Nigerian guys still go back to Nigeria to marry single ladies in their 20s .
I hope ladies reading this will learn a lesson or 2. A mans financial state is not a criteria for marriage, if a man is educated, matured and god fearing, he only needs time he will break through.

Poverty stricken man that ran abroad to wash plate. Keep your useless advise and opinion to yourself.. See how this bushrat is talking as if he owns the world. Adviser general.. Is abroad heaven? All these so called abroad people and their unsolicited advise. For your mind now you're hotcake! Living borrow borrow loan mortgage life, you call that rich. Stick to the topic you fool! besides, men are even the gold-diggers nowadays... looking for who to pay their bills..rubbish

Lucrativress:

How remarkable that you're Abroad and you've chosen to know only one side of life.
Seems men cry more when they're jilted...
So what do you say about the good women who stayed with a man in nothing and he jilted her after he had something?
What will you say Sir?
And women who built with men, succumbed and all,good women and were still dumped?
Understand something,penury doesn't always determine loyalty.
Last last all a good woman has to do is use her brains,gold diggers are getting married every Saturday,seems like it's the good ladies crying more on Alters
Do you know why?
Cause of less practicalities..
Stop deceiving yourself,you can call me whatever you feel like,it won't remove anything from who I know I am, I'm not mincing my word's..

Don't mind the dolt and all the useless men on this nairaland that talk trash about women all the time! Everyone go and hustle man ooh, woman ooh. that way you can choose and pick your speck when it comes to marriage! mocking women as if they are not born of women. Mumu

LagosNissan:


I think I agree with you on many areas.

I guess nollywood is to blame for this.

We all want people we will be proud of.

A daughter of a university professor may be expected to bring a man who went to uni as well or who has means.

It's a thing of pride for the family. I have heard mothers brag that my in law is so so so...

It's also a thing of pride for the bride among her friends.

Is there anything wrong to desire a multi millionaire, realistically speaking? I guess No.

Imagine that a fine educated woman has 3 suitors, all doing well:

If I was a multi millionaire and pretend to be a loafer, would she be wrong to discard me and concentrate on others?

Isn't that how we resign from or reject low paying jobs for better ones?



Pansophist the realist where are thou.

Ubunja martinezs, pocohantas,

Are you minding this useless omega male hypocrites we have on nairaland. Honestly, this site is very toxic against women, behaving like if their daughter shows up with an exconvict who has nothing, no education, or job, they would agree. Funny enough, all these boys on nairaland are dead broke, nothing to offer anyone

deltateam:



Just be modest and avoid over demanding and entitled women. You don't have to hide your qualifications but you don't have to talk about it when no one asked you.

Likewise women too.. Too many gold-digging mean on the prawl

How refreshing! A man wants to downplay his achievements. I am yet to meet a man who doesn't exaggerate his.

OhiOfIhima:

All these are not something needed man. Don't just enter it show her you have d cash or the qualifications, just be normal. You might hide ur house from her as of now but be real about ur education and ur job, that will lit her hope a bit.

At least you sef need a moderate classic lady to company with you. No be say naw one typical village girl u dey find.

Are you minding these useless nairaland boys? Hypocrites. They go for highclass high maintenance girls? because they like what they see and are attracted to her. Why not go for village girl or moderate looking girl? Everyone has their levels and you cannot force someone to come down to yours because you have watched several nollywood movies of prince disguising as beggar. Pure nonsense

blizard44:

Not at all.

liar

pansophist:


When you're hiding your sophistication from your potential partner,  Why would you think the other person is not discerning enough to see your game plan and play along? Also, what's the assurance that even if the person pass the virtue test and later realise you're rich for example, that their hibernated materialism will not be reactivated?

Furthermore, the idea of downplaying your sophistication is a consequence of imbalalance in their respective social status, which to me, is not a good protocol. Generally, you should actually marry your class, because even if a woman/man married you after passing your so called test, the dynamics associated with a huge gap in social status between them is a deal breaker in most relationship.

I mean think about it, even if you pass my test, will your family pass it too? Will I not be guilt-tripped to pay for your grandma medical fees? Even if I'm capable, won't it periodically ring as exploitation in my head? If I refuse, won't it make our home toxic ? Different social status in many cases also implies different work ethics and view of the world, so how is this sustainable in the long term?

Your potential partner should be the kind that pushes you to be better, that their value in your eyes will call forth your best, making you spotlighting your uniqueness as a compelling force to secure their commitment.  Downplaying yourself also implies that they are not a challenge, same way you won't downplay yourself to an employer. It's a sub-optimal solution. People should date themselves, don't just jump into a committed relationship, talk more of marriage.

I was friend with my spouse for at least two years before we even started dating, and all through the friendship period, I already knew her kind of personality, so there was no need us to downplay or hide anything. Experience like they say, it's the best teacher. So for me, it's a big no. If securing your commitment doesn't call forth the best in me, doesn't make me calibrate, redact, enhance and spotlight all my sophistication to blow you mind, then you're probably not that worthy. This has been my formula and it works for me well.

well said bro

I wasn't planning to quote you but I like the way you presented your argument. However, your argument is flawed. You even used the word 'modesty'. Damn! Are you saying you will not marry a modest man? Let's even assume the man is not wealthy. So, what you imply is that, if I earn a nice salary, drive a Camry 2014, you will choose someone that drives a Mercedes Benz 2020 over me? Given that both of us (me and the other guy) has the same net worth? See, net worth is what matters. And, actually, you should not be able to tell someone's net worth except they want you to know it.

Amhappy:
If you think being modest about your achievements will land you true love go ahead but don't over play the game. And it also depends on who you are aiming for. Modesty will not help any man aiming for Otedolas girls for instance. I think as a lady you should bring on your A game to land a good man. Show your best part not your worse. And don't allow anyone guilty trip you for going for the best. There's nothing wrong with a man with money. No matter how you pretend we ladies love to have wealthy man or a prospective one. Forget Nollywood love stories. Can he provide for me and my children is not being materialistic. Just make sure you bring something to the table also. Everyone love a good life

LagosNissan:
Good day!


I want to know if it's right to hide one's achievements like educational, monetary etc because one wants to find true love.



Does it make any sense?


Would a woman be considered bad for rejecting you, if you said you squat with your brother whereas you own a house?

Or that you didn't attend a university whereas you did?

Or that you you didn't have a job whereas you did?

Note that all these are in a bid to test if she is a wife material.

Is it wrong for women to insist on certain things like wealth, educational background, etc?






That's a good one there. I guess Nollywood championed this narrative and took it to a ridiculous level where a prince or son of a rich man will pretend to be poor or a gate man to find " true love."

The effect of this narrative is that it demonises it when people get attracted to you because of your wealth, achievements etc. But then like you said, these things form part of your personality as a person and will influence how a partner nay a woman views you.


The daughter of a professor could resolve to marry only a graduate or a rich man. That would make her proud among her family and friends.

Would you blame her if she rejects you because you denied or hid being a graduate or claim poor?

Is it wrong for her to insist on these things? Does it make her a gold digger?

Dude, listen and listen good. A woman that will not partake in your suffering but wants to enjoy your success will dig your grave faster than your village people...I assure you. A woman that does not join you in paying the price of success will give your prize to strangers who will mock your stupidity!

space9880:
liar

Pele.

Yes coz women of this generation only smell money you need to act broke to know their true feelings

BABYharder:
I've learnt alot from this thread.
It's now obvious that I'm in the right track

What's your right track ?

pansophist:


I'm speaking from my own perspective, and I usually do not jump into a relationship straight up. I become friends first, then progressively transition into romance. This way, the propensity to be an actress, and for me to be an actor will not be there. I mean you can only fake it when you know there is a prize (relationship) to be won right?

So from the above response, there is a divergence of paths. I start as friends first, while your statement implies the traditional method of going for a date and so forth. I don't do that. In this area, I'm weird. Friendship will test her patience, there will also be scenarios where her virtue of contentment, dignity, and integrity will be tested.

It is after this preliminary stage, negotiations for dating will occur. I don't want to start discovering you while dating you, I want to have already known you to a reasonable extent before dating. The usual way of first dating, they have lots of sex, then later realize the person is not for you after uncountably forking each other is just wrong, I don't do that. This is my formula and so far, it works for me. I don't want to have the emotional baggage of numerous women in my mind, and wishing I never slept with them.

This has always been my way of getting to know people especially ladies, but there is always a dilemma at times, like in the course of this friendship what if someone else ask her out and she agrees, with you still trying to get to know her, how does one deal with this?

cayorday89:

This has always been my way of getting to know people especially ladies, but there is always a dilemma at times, like in the course of this friendship what if someone else ask her out and she agrees, with you still trying to get to know her, how does one deal with this?

You let her go, that's how you deal with it. Its not that complicated.

Skyfornia:
I would have said it is wrong to put up a low profile while searching for a good wife..but in Nigeria case, I think it is the right thing to do considering that a lot of nigerian girls are after material things. A girl that accepts you when you have nothing(material and financial things) to offer most likely have genuine affection for you.

But we will also need to consider other things like age, is she getting old and desperate for marriage and child? Cause if she is desperate, she might accept any man whether poor or rich.

Anyways, marriage doesn't have any manual...choose what works for you.

Deep!