My mental health is at stake and I dont know if there is anyone in this kind of situation.. I have no perfect words to describe my mom. Always have issues with my dad and the rest of my siblings, She speaks without regards to one's age or how you feel, there are times I cant control my anger and we exchange words.. Am in my late 20's, from a muslim home, yet to be married but in a serious relationship now, my mom clearly hates the guy am seeing just because he is married and a secondorian, a business man whom I know is a good man and can cater for the family. She use bad words like that illiterate, a ghanian and old man, someone who is in his 40's. I have told her severally, am not getting younger, living with you alone is hell for me. Why then do you hate someone who loves your daughter, I dont know how I survive the corona period, because she made my life unbearable, until I got a job, yet she still troubles me. How do you stand a mom that wishes your blessings go to your other siblings, she tells you to your face. She wished my elder sister was the one who got this job because she would hv given her more, and I told her as long as you dont appreciate what I give you, I cant be my sister, I can go and on and on, my mom quarells with everyone, my dad, my siblings, she doesnt know how to communicate or speak to a grown child, yet she claims you are challenging her or being rude to her. All my life, I have never had that mother to daughter relationship because you tell her something today, she insults you with it tomoro. How can a mother tell you that anytime my lover calls me, she feels so disgusted that what am doing with such a low class,
My mother is someone who doesnt know how to make sacrifice for her children without complaining, even cooking, she complains that I cant go to work and expect her to cook for me, how much am I giving her at the end of the month. Should a mother say this to her child.
I need to see a counsellor, my mental health is at stake. My mother has no plain respect for her children, she says mean words and yet expect you to swallow it because she is your mother. Yet cries wolf when you reply her
Am moving to a new place soon, for those of you who may think how can an adult still be living with her parents.. I live in the north and its very degrading for a single girl to live alone, I never wanted that kind of life, my reason fr even moving out its because my parents are relocating.
Ok what broke the camels neck yesterday was after work, came in so tired and sick, without even relaxing, my mom was telking me to take the gas out for filling, this was something dat finished since morning bfr I left for work. And I told her, I cant go, I feel sick, the next thing she said was but hope as you are sick, you would go to work tomorrow. I said ofcourse, this work is my saving grace. Its the reason I take care of my needs. That was how my mom started saying some mean things, things you will never say to a child.. Aaah my mother is my greatest frustration on earth.. How did I get so unlucky, if you have a mom who is your friend, you are blessed. I cant really blame her. Her mother was also absent from her life, she lacked parental love.
But I know so many mothers who didnt have it good but yet love their children equally. Pls advise me, correct me, my mind is full, my head hurts, my heart aches.. Who has such a mother like mine.

You can only have one mother..

Continue to show her love she will turn around one day..

No matter what don't exchange words with her instead walk away..

The Lord is your strength

At least, you're able to admit your mum is toxic and not claiming blood is thicker than water.

It's see finish that's causing some of what you're going through. If you can save to get your place, even if it's a self contain, it will help you a lot.

Im sure if we ask your mum, she'll also say you are the toxic one.

Look, you can't just be going on and on about your mother like that, projecting her in a bad light while you paint yourself as the righteous one all through your brawl with her. I mean.. it takes two to tango.

Now, from what you said about your mother cooking for you while you're at work. Do you know you have a little bit at fault there?
Like how can you expect your aged mother to still be doing the cooking for you at your age. Or just because you feel you now work, she should slave for you? And to think she complaines about you being tightfisted.

Who wouldn't complain after serving you and you don't appreciate her well?

Have you ever playfully greased her palm one day and say " mama, I really appreciate how you cook and wait for me everyday o, oya take this"? I'm sure you have never because you see it as your right and her duty to do. which shouldn't be. She has done all that when you were still a little child and is not expected to still be doing it for you in your late 20s. Haba!
If she does it, it should be of her own volition and not out of compulsion like you're expecting.

About the filling of the gas scenario. I don't see anything wrong in what your mother did. She asked a very valid question which is, "with your sickness, shey you'll still go to work tomorrow"? And you fell yakata by answering in the affirmative. Shooting yourself in the foot. You don't know you're dealing with someone whos older and wiser than you.

You should have simply said, you're not sure. Better still, look for any smally around, tip him/ her to help you go fill the gas but the entitled you says no. Because the gas finished since morning, mum should have gone to fill it instead of waiting for a "working class" chick like you to come and fill it.

See, you're rubbing shoulders with your mum and it's very very wrong! No matter what, you can never ride your mother.

I remember my first job as a receptionist at DSTV those days. After claiming big girl outside, when I get home, I'll still carry out my duties and do my chores. Who born you? It's your turn to cook and you're expecting someone else to do it for you ( not even my mother o) other siblings. If you delay till 10pm. Everybody will cross legs and wait for you to come back and do your duty. So if you don't want to faint, just be running down home after your big "girlism" to do your work.

God help you if it's the day waterboard switch off water. Even if it's at the State House ( the only source of getting water those days whenever waterboard switches off) you'll go and fetch water that night. Every one does her duties without being reminded.

Just cool down for your mum and learn to respect her.
Remember, you too will be a mum some day and you won't want your daughter to rub shoulders with you.

Peace.

lilvicky68:
You can only have one mother..
Continue to show her love she will turn around one day.. No matter what don't exchange words with her instead walk away..

How can you love a mother who never forgets nor forgive, always bring up things that has happened and forgotten

You cant change ur mother, if u feel ur moms attitude toward u make u feel bad then its high time u set ur boundaries..at least u are working, get a rented room and live ur peaceful life..visit her maybe twice in a week then she will understand how toxic she was...

Mercychen:
Im sure if we ask your mum, she'll also say you are the toxic one.

Look, you can't just be going on and on about your mother like, projecting her in a bad light while you paint yourself as the righteous one all through your brawl with her.

Now, from what you said about your mother cooking for you while you're at work, do you know you have a little bit of fault there?
Like how can you expect your aged mother to still be doing the cooking for you at your age. Or just because you feel you now work, she should slave for you? Considering the fact she complained about you being tightfisted.

Who wouldn't complain after serving you and you don't appreciate her well?

Have you ever playfully greased her palm one day and say " mama, I really appreciate how you cook and wait for me everyday o, oya take this"? I'm sure youve never because you see it as your right and her duty to do. which shouldn't be. She has done all that when you were still a little child and is not expected to still be doing it for you in your late 20s. Haba!
If she does it, it should be of her own volition and not out of compulsion like you're expecting.

Thank you

Klass99:
Ramatu, I know your mental health is at stake and I am truly sorry about that.

Please can you paragraph your post and space it out well?

I couldn't finish reading it, it's easier on the eyes when long posts are paragraphed and well spaced out.

I can't relate to having a toxic mum, but I sure as hell don't blame you one bit for responding to her the way you some times do.

When there is provocation, there will be a reaction as well (good or bad). Even my own religion cautions parents against provoking their kids to anger, so I don't blame you at all.

Thanks.. Will take heed henceforth.. I appreciate the concern

Move out of that place asap, my dad was likewise toxic and I couldn't deal no more and moved out of his shitty place at 17. Protect your mental health first then other things comes later,if you die now them go move on so no kill yourself just find away to move out even if it's to a friend's first. Life isnt always as we expect it,most times our family are the ones that would hold us back the most,contrary to what the society preaches. Some people never got financially free because they be hanging on to their toxic and bitter family.

Dliquidmetal:
Move out of that place asap, my dad was likewise toxic and I couldn't deal no more and moved out of his shitty place at 17. Protect your mental health first then other things comes later,if you die now them go move on so no kill yourself just find away to move out even if it's to a friend's first. Life isnt always as we expect it,most times our family are the ones that would hold us back the most,contrary to what the society preaches. Some people never got financially free because they be hanging on to their toxic and bitter family.

I don't see any toxicity there. Only a normal daughter and mother who don't seem to agree on petty things situation. Which is common with most mum's.

My own mum will not even touch anything. As in she stopped touching any house work the moment our first born started handling some major chores in the house and when we behind came into the picture.

I remember I joined the cooking train when I was in pry 3. Just nine then and it didn't stop until I left home at 26 after we lost her.

My mom will touch house work? Na Oyinbo she be o. Lol.
The only thing she does is her laundry because she felt we can't do it well. But then we didn't see as a big deal because she has paid her dues by doing for us when we were much younger. So she deserves to be served in return.

As for verbal abuse, all mothers are guilty. It's not perculiar to her mum alone. Mothers can abuuuuus?? But you learn to brush it off and not take it to heart.

Mercychen:

you are only seeing things from your own point of view,I've been in her shoes and I can relate more. My own mom dosent "abuse" as you've pointed out(reason I said you only seeing things from your perspective thereby thinking your own state is the same as hers) my dad was toxic and he was holding me back,I had low self esteem,I lacked confidence in myself,I always felt worthless and it was only when I made that decision to leave his ass that i started seeing changes and my mom got me too,she has the meekest of heart she even begged me not to leave my dad but I made my decision and I ain't going back on it for my own good.

Dliquidmetal:
you are only seeing things from your own point of view,I've been in her shoes and I can relate more. My own mom dosent "abuse" as you've pointed out(reason I said you only seeing things from your perspective thereby thinking your own state is the same as hers) my dad was toxic and he was holding me back,I had low self esteem,I lacked confidence in myself,I always felt worthless and it was only when I made that decision to leave his ass that i started seeing changes and my mom got me too,she has the meekest of heart she even begged me not to leave my dad but I made my decision and I ain't going back on it for my own good.

Just the same way you're looking at things from your own point of view. From all the op narrated, it's not the same as your evethough you feel so. Her case is a normal thing.

Imagine now, you say someone is toxic but you're here calling a man that birthed you "ass".. you see where the problem lies?

ramatuoyiza:
How can you love a mother who never forgets nor forgive, always bring up things that has happened and forgotten

Have you considered she birth you, kept you safe and catered for you till became this blossoming woman a man wants to settle with? Pls learn to manage her. Assume she is your boss at the office and be diplomatic with her. I clearly appreciate your view of how you dont appreciate the ways she is handling things on this subject or respecting your opinion as an adult now, you just must manage her though.

An example of being diplomatic:

Mum: go and fill the gas?

Daughter: I will mum, just give me some time, I just came from work and I am very tired.

The catch is , it doesnt even mean you will do it. You are just managing her.Go to your room and sleep deeply till the next day. Before she wakes the next day, drop money for gas some (with a little extra) and off to work. Call her during the day from work and apologise for having the "intention" to get the gas but being were just too tired and forgot the previous day and could not wait to buy it that morning because you will be late for work. Let her know however that you dropped the cash with a little excess for the inconvenience cause.

Moreso, when coming from work, very often buy her something even if it's bread, shawarma e.t.c....from experience no mother can resist these treats. Even if you offended her the previous day, once you come in with these gifts, she will just be singing your praises.

BTW why will you want to be a second wife

Mercychen:



I don't see any toxicity there. Only a normal daughter and mother who don't seem to agree on petty things situation. Which is common with most mum's.

My own mum will not even touch anything. As in she stopped touching any house work the moment our first born started handling some major chores in the house and when we behind came into the picture.

I remember I joined the cooking train when I was in pry 3. Just nine then and it didn't stop until I left home at 26 after we lost her.

My mom will touch house work? Na Oyinbo she be o. Lol.
The only thing she does is her laundry because she felt we can't do it well. But then we didn't see as a big deal because she has paid her dues by doing for us when we were much younger. So she deserves to be served in turn.

As for verbal abuse, all mothers are guilty. It's not perculiar to her mum alone. Mothers can abuuuuus?? But you learn to brush it off and don't take it personal.

exactly. I hear but havent seen a mother that will hate her own child while progressing. The issues she raised is the attitude of many Nigerian mothers, wanting to dominate and dictate for their children even when they are older. She just needs to learn to manage it.

If her mum truly hates her, she would her long poisoned you to death or destroyed your life in your vulnerable years. No parent will make such investment in a child over the years only to turn on them

Resurgent2016:


exactly. I hear but havent seen a mother that will hate her own child while progressing. The issues she raised is the attitude of many Nigerian mothers, wanting to dominate and dictate for their children even when they are older. She just needs to learn to manage it.

If her mum truly hates her, she would her long poisoned you to death or destroyed your life in your vulnerable years. No parent will make such investment in a child over the years only to turn on them

Exactly my point. She too knows why the mother made that statement.

The mother is not against her progress. She only wished the other Sister got the job because she feels shes more generous than op. But op decided to make it seem like the mother is against her progress. Lol..

It is well.

Mercychen:


Just the same way you're looking at things from your own point of view. From all the op narrated, it's not the same as your evethough you feel so. Her case is a normal thing.

Imagine now, you say someone is toxic but you're here calling a man that birthed you "ass".. you see where the problem lies?

if you can tag toxicity as a normal thing,then I'm done with you.

Dliquidmetal:
if you can tag toxicity as a normal thing,then I'm done with you.

Like I said, no toxicity here. Mind you, your reaction towards me just now was toxic.

Just stop being agressive. Haba!

I do not even know what is wrong with youths of nowadays, some of you will just come out and be saying ill things about your parents, forgetting that one day you will also become parent. If one day your children are using these types of adjectives you used on your mother on you just know that it is a law of karma. Just because your mother warned you against go into polygamy, you pick offence forgetting that marriage sometime is not a bed of rose especially this type you are about to entangled herself with. let me tell you, what an old once can see while sitting down, if the Young once climb Iroko tree they will not see them. your mother feel you are going astray by chosen to marry a married man and she tried to retract your steps so that you will not regret it in the future and you are here calling your mother a toxic. Just because you are working now, you feel you can live without your parents support. why did not you leave your parents house when you were schooling from Primary, secondary to tertiary institution. But now you fill you do not need them instead they need you, you are now seeing their forth. Please, do not do what will make God to forsake you by taken your mother especially as your enemy no mater who you are.
I used to see my mum as somebody that did not like or loved me when I was young, just because she would always nagged at me then, I did feel she loved my younger brother then, but after I lost her when I was teenager, I realized that no one can love me like my mother even my father that I taught he loved me did not love me the way my mother loved me, my mother was just an Africa mother and nagging is the only way for Africa mothers to correct their children. I wish my mum is still alive so that I can so the world the way I love her.

It's unfortunate that some people don't have good experiences with their mothers. It's a bit easier if it was from the father, but I can confidently tell you that many people out there reverence their fathers than their mothers. That's their truth. Not all mothers have shown love to their children. Some kids don't understand the concept of love because of the missing emotional support their mothers never gave them.

It is a psychological battle they'll firght as long as they live. Forgiveness is not an issue. The problem is reoccurrence...over and over again. Until the day she snaps and does something then you same people will say she shouldn't have done it.

OP, please your mental health is more important than your mother. Yes, I said it! Leave the house if you have to. Push her away from you until she realizes that she has done damage to your psyche. Maybe your siblings will try to reconcile you guys back...and I hope you get along well with the rest of your family.

Know that you are not alone in this situation. Myy mother doesn't reek of toxicity in that pattern...it's somewhat different, but I can relate with your story. I understand you perfectly, and I won't judge you. Protect your mental health. God bless.

Are you her mother to know that she isn't against her progress?

Tell your kids the same and watch how they'll react to such loose statement.

Mercychen:


Exactly my point. She too knows why the mother made that statement.

The mother is not against her progress. She only wished the other Sister got the job because she feels shes more generous than op. But op decided to make it seem like the mother is against her progress. Lol..

It is well.

brownlolly:
Are you her mother to know that she isn't against her progress?

Tell your kids the same and watch how they'll react to such loose statement.

And what makes you think a mother will want to be against her own childs progress.?

To me, it was just an utterance made out of anger. I'm sure by now, the woman would have forgotten she made that statement. While op is still keeping record of it.

ramatuoyiza:
Thanks.. Will take heed henceforth.. I appreciate the concern

Are you a Muslim or a Christian?

I just wish my mum's still alive......

Nothing like momma's love...... Popsy dey try,but momma's love can't be replicated by his.....No matter how much he don dey reach.....

Rip momsy

Hmmmm. Your post brought some sad memories that served as a problematic foundation.
It's well. God help you.

Mama way everybody day try impress
Mama way be every pikin back bone

Maybe you think say she go day with you forever
Abeg the little you have with her
If not you go miss her one day and you won’t see her

RIP MOM
Still can’t imagine you’re gone

Mercychen:



I don't see any toxicity there. Only a normal daughter and mother who don't seem to agree on petty things situation. Which is common with most mum's.

My own mum will not even touch anything. As in she stopped touching any house work the moment our first born started handling some major chores in the house and when we behind came into the picture.

I remember I joined the cooking train when I was in pry 3. Just nine then and it didn't stop until I left home at 26 after we lost her.

My mom will touch house work? Na Oyinbo she be o. Lol.
The only thing she does is her laundry because she felt we can't do it well. But then we didn't see as a big deal because she has paid her dues by doing for us when we were much younger. So she deserves to be served in turn.

As for verbal abuse, all mothers are guilty. It's not perculiar to her mum alone. Mothers can abuuuuus?? But you learn to brush it off and don't take it personal.

Maybe you don't understand toxicity or you see it as normal and acceptable behaviour, especially because it comes from a mother.

The fact that a woman is a mother doesn't give her a free pass to verbally abuse her children. And No, not all mums are guilty; my mum didn't do it and I don't do it no matter how tempting it is sometimes.

Children also deserve respect even from a very young age. They should not be made to believe that their parents or elders have the right to say bad things to them and they accept it as normal. That's not the way children should be brought up.

Some of us have been living in a toxic environment that we don't even know and have taken it as normal.

Mercychen:


Exactly my point. She too knows why the mother made that statement.

The mother is not against her progress. She only wished the other Sister got the job because she feels shes more generous than op. But op decided to make it seem like the mother is against her progress. Lol..

It is well.

The fact that you see the bolded as normal is disturbing. It is never right to compare your children or rate one higher...one of the basic rules of parenting. It's a time bomb.

Some mother wonder why their children don't visit them or call. They don't realise the amount of damage they caused to their kids because they think it is normal.

Mercychen:


And what makes you think a mother will want to be against her own childs progress.?

To me, it was just an utterance made out of anger. I'm sure by now, the woman would have forgotten she made that statement. While op is still keeping record of it.

Did she apologize or take the statement back after she calmed down? Words are seeds that grow. Some women are not qualified to be mothers. They just think it is by having children. They bring up angry and dysfunctional children because of their own inadequacies that they refuse to correct.

ImaIma1:


Did she apologize or take the statement back after she calmed down? Words are seeds that grow. Some women are not qualified to be mothers. They just think it is by having children. They bring up angry and dysfunctional children because of their own inadequacies that they refuse to correct.

may God bless you with more wisdom..... that her mum is a problem

Please find a way to leave the house for her,some mothers are so toxic and unaware of the damage they cause their children. I pray you heal,just be patient and find your exit