litaninja:
How is calling one's husband and telling him I'd like you to help out around the house "nagging"?

In OP'S case, he admits to knowing what to do just that he didn't do it. That there tells you, his wife has already had that conversation with him at least once.

CaptainAyub:

The urge for sex is a primitive reflex,just like a child and even adults will spread out their hands when thrown in the air or to break a fall.
If yours are diminished or you have successfully suppressed it,don't blame others who have a natural urge for it.
I don't support premarital sex but a man/woman should be able to get it reasonably enough in marriage.

That statement in bold is not true at all of sex. I really hope you will go back and try to process what the poster whose comment I responded to is trying to tell you, this so you don't end up like your fathers before you.

Or11:


We cook together so it's not just her food and if I no eat, who go suffer? No be me go hungry? Lol

Abandon her with the cooking and eat out consistently just for one week. Only one week and come back to give testimony

komodapson:


Why are you people like this...honestly...this infuriates me.....una dey take shit ó....Go look for one labake, chichi or aminat by the side.
I don't like stress, I hate being stressed... If I'm being denied anything, anything in this world...not even sex, anything whatsoever I'm desirous of, I go for it...to satisfy my curiosity and pleasure. Life is too short for all these nonsense ó...

You guyz should understand that, once this heinous act continues... Making love to your wife will start to become an Obligation rather than freewill...which could lead to so many things, if not handled carefully

Bros e no easy once you are in o
Gf & wife get difference o
Besides outside girls get better chlamydia and gonno oooo

Mac12:


I don't envy myself either but what do I do when i earn little? I'm saving for it and also for my training. So it's not like I enjoy it.

You'd want to ask about my husband, hubby on his part, pays school fees, house and shop rent, buys food stuff and other things. Its not been easy but we are getting there

God will open a way for you people.
You are understanding woman.

Pacesetter123:
God will open a way for you people.
You are understanding woman.

Amen and amen! Thanks dear

Not necessarily. That does not tell you anything of the sort.

Kobojunkie:
In OP'S case, he admits to knowing what to do just that he didn't do it. That there tells you, his wife has already had that conversation with him at least once.

litaninja:
Not necessarily. That does not tell you anything of the sort.

Huh?

Roon9:


Bros e no easy once you are in o
Gf & wife get difference o
Besides outside girls get better chlamydia and gonno oooo

You're not getting the point, I'm married for over 9 years now...and I work on island. I still hook up with my ex gf whom are married also, we both hangout once in awhile to ease out the marital burden, lasgidi stress and kontree wahala ...

Baba...life is too short...na my point be that...

komodapson:
[/b]

You're not getting the point, I'm married for over 9 years now...and I work on island. I still hook up with my ex gf whom are married also, we both hangout once in awhile to ease out the marital burden, lasgidi stress and kontree wahala ...

Baba...life is too short...na my point be that...

Indeed bro. Now I get

Mac12:
First of all, i stay in Lagos...
I wake up 4:00 am, prepare breakfast and lunch(plus that of my mother in law who stays with me), prepare the children for school, tidy the kitchen and parlour, take the kids to school before heading to work, pick up the children by 4( cause of traffic) sometimes 5. On getting home, i start preparing dinner, tidy the room, wash sometimes(including hubby's wears and mother in laws'; with hand o), bathe the kids, feed them and get ready for the next day before making the kids sleep. All these and more I do without help. Mind You, my first child weighs 20kg( funny but true), he'll cry for me to carry him and sometimes, carryinghim makes him sleep faster. At a young age, I've started experiencing waist and back pain that i can't stand for long. With all these, why won't I be tired No single help. Even down to when I'm busy with chores outside and the children needs something, i must come and attend to them (The dad is there with them o but i will be called to come attend to them).

On cases whereby I fall ill, mos things will be left undone. Let me just stop here for now

Guy forget o, e no easy at all

Wow sounds like you are exaggerating but if it's true you need to find ways to make life easier for you. Get some help, buy a washing machine or just stop doing anything and let every where be untidy. Your reasons are valid IMO.

Lots of families complaining about having it hard in terms of housework. Ask them how much they spent on their wedding?

Millions of naira on frivolous wedding and doing eye service.

Money that should have gone into setting up your house to remove all stress. You spent it on a rice and chicken for hundreds of people who don't give a damn about you.

Ordinary washing machine, you guys don't have. It is always ironic that it is the girls always pushing for such expensive wedding without thinking of setting up the house. When you put him debt and he has to struggle to pay such in the first few years of marriage. Don't complain when you are at the receiving end of things.

I have gone ahead to even get an automatic/robotic vacuum cleaner to ease the stress.

As for lots of guys in here stating thrash about house work.

Pay for a weekly house cleaning service(Labout is fucking cheap in Nigeria. I have someone come clean and mop the house completely weekly for 2500 per week), buy the house tools to remove the stress. Help with the kids when you can. Lots of you have never changed a diaper let alone wash the feaces soiled bum bum of your kids. Do things that makes her understand that you are both in these together. Now see you make requests and see if she would turn you down. The kids are crying and you continue playing games or watching that movie or typing away on your phone while angrily ordering them into their mum's room to stop disturbing you. What signal are you trying to tell the mum? That all the stress belongs to the mum. Men you need to change, especially when it comes child caring. That's one of the biggest house work women face. Lots of you do absolutely nothing in the formative years of your kids. It is not only to provide money for upkeep. Knew someone who throughout the first few months of the birth of his baby , he never woke up while the baby was crying at night to even help. Why won't the woman resent you?

Or11:


Wow sounds like you are exaggerating but if it's true you need to find ways to make life easier for you. Get some help, buy a washing machine or just stop doing anything and let every where be untidy. Your reasons are valid IMO.

Seems like I'm lying right My dear, if one doesn't tell you what they go through, you wouldn't know. Besides, why would I want to lie about the truth? Wake me up in the next 100years, I'd still tell you same thing. We are saving towards getting a washing machine and getting a help

Mac12:



Seems like I'm lying right My dear, if one doesn't tell you what they go through, you wouldn't know. Besides, why would I want to lie about the truth? Wake me up in the next 100years, I'd still tell you same thing. We are saving towards getting a washing machine and getting a help

True, hope things get easier for you.

Or11:


True, hope things get easier for you.

Yea thanks...

komodapson:
[/b]

You're not getting the point, I'm married for over 9 years now...and I work on island. I still hook up with my ex gf whom are married also, we both hangout once in awhile to ease out the marital burden, lasgidi stress and kontree wahala ...

Baba...life is too short...na my point be that...

Are you saying you are having sex (cheating) with your Ex, who is also married?

CsRockefeller:


Are you saying you are having sex (cheating) with your Ex, who is also married?

In any of the statements written above did you see the word "sex"?

Jazzman01:
So no one has mentioned female circumcision?

Unfortunately.

11 pages of text, only one person mentioned the most basic anatomical reason that is still persistent till date.

In fact, most/many girl children who have had some form of genital mutilation can indeed keep the vows of chastity before and AFTER marriage quite better...

The consequences are however some of what is being discussed. It isn't the only reason, but it is certainly one of the reasons.

Kriss216:
I can't imagine myself begging my wife for sex.

If I touch you and you give silly excuse, I'm out of bed immediately. That's where 4:20 comes handy.

Are u married? if not, let's wait and see.

1Sharon:


You can still have sex while pregnant oo

Exactly but my wife own case is exceptional everything irritate her when we had our first baby we made love only once b4 delivery that was the 7month, the second baby too the same thing and this is our third baby so i just try to bear with it cos am use to the system al human have different body composition some women pregnancy does not disturb them while some it does.

eminemkayc:


Madam, I've quietly read some of your write-ups. If you are genuine and not an online fraud, send me a message privately let me see how I can assist with a token.

A thread was posted some days ago of which I made a comment(link posted below) and a kind hearted nairalander (eminemkayc) showed interest in my case. He blessed me this new year and made my family smile...


https://www.nairaland.com/6901494/dear-wives-why-deny-husband/4#108786815

@eminemkayc
People like you can make the world a better place. No matter which words I use, I would never be able to fully express my appreciation to you. All my lips can say to you right now are the words, “thank you” because I know it was out of God's love that you gave me a helping hand. Sometimes, the magic comes from unexpected sources. Words can’t describe how overwhelmed I and my family feels by your kind gesture. From the deepest place of our hearts, we say, “Thank you..."

You are most welcome. It was an instruction from God and I had to fulfill it. Manage it please due to the economic circumstances. God bless

JustforMen:


In my few years on earth, I have found out that love and faithfulness are as much a question of the will as it is of the heart.
In other words, if you make up your mind to love someone, you would love them.
If you decide to be faithful to one person, you will be.
And you love someone not because of what or who they are but usually in spite of that.
Love actually constitutes respect, kindness, affection, loyalty and honor in addition to physical attraction.
Yes, you can marry and love one woman faithfully, if you find the right person.

I tell you a story, I met a girl when I was serving. She was a sales girl at the NYSC camp then.
She just liked me and I liked her more like a brother.
When I finished camp and was posted to another LGA she got my number from a corper friend and called to ask why I went away without caring to inform her.
We got talking. I helped her to improve herself and further her education.
At the end of the service Year, we had developed a strong bond.
Went I wanted to settle down, I asked her out and she agreed to a courtship. I was in another country.
After sometime, I couldn't reach her. We lost communication.
Fast forward, 15years she called me on an old naija number which I had forwarded to my number.
We started talking again. She was already married with a child and I was married too.
I tell you something, I still love this girl and she loves and respect me too.
I still help her with advice and guidance on how to cope with her marriage. And she trusts me with her deepest secrets.
She calls me her elder brother and we have a bond of respect, kindness, loyalty and affection.
Nothing sexual at all but I know deep down that she is a good woman and only that fate did not allow us to be married.
I still deeply love her and it is mutual.
So love can be deeper that all the superficial, outward attraction we see.
Sorry, for the long irrelevant Tory.

She is your twin flame

Greatric213:
this comment remind me of a guy I denied sex ,he really beg me that day I didn't give in

Thank Your star say you no give am , cos na belle You dey carry be that

DaRuud:


Thank Your star say you no give am , cos na belle You dey carry be that

I dey tell you na that one be he plan

Klass99:
I am not married but I thought it would be nice to read from married women to know or understand why this occurs. It might help some married men self reflect and self correct where needed, if a particular situation applies to them. For example if it's poor hygiene, selfish or poor performance in bed, not providing, etc............ I am just speculating.

I followed Gaggii's thread on this same issue/topic, it was one of the most educating and entertaining threads I have come across on NL. It was delightful to see grown men being candid and vulnerable about their realities. I laughed hard at some comments, shook my head at comments from oversabi and ITK men, who aren't even married and one comment in particular broke my heart. See comment below;



Even though the user is a complete stranger I felt bad reading this, especially the words in bold. I think as women we underestimate how much men would really like to feel appreciated, complimented and loved (even if it's through sex). There were valuable lessons from Gaggii's thread and I appreciate the education in male psychology it provided me. A similar education (in female psychology) from married women, for men, would be appropriate. Let's learn from each other, but, I understand why some women may be reluctant to participate/share. The trolling, bullying and insults on the forum can be something else, especially towards women.

Quite frankly it’s not any of these reasons. Let me be more open here. She told me that she was raped as a child and that affected her psyche. She hates to talk about sex and has been in a kind of self prison. I tried all I could but to no avail. Personally I do not believe in extra marital sex no matter how difficult and starved I am. The funny thing is I confronted her once and told her how terrible I was feeling about living 3 months without sex as a married man. She candidly saw nothing wrong in it and advised me to seek satisfaction outside. She was ready to let me have a sex partner outside on the condition I tell her whenever I am ready to start going out. I have kids and I do not want to bring problems to my kids because I love them very much. I feel as if I just have to carry this cross if not for anything but for my kids. Months have passed without sex and I don’t feel anything. I’ve grown out of the masturbation thing to having no feelings about my wife. We now live like two strangers in one house and she doesn’t see anything wrong in that. Well, some choices affect people to death. On the whole, I have found studying and research as my escape route from immoral thoughts. I get busy and enmeshed into my studies but occasionally I have gals hitting on me and all that but then I’ve decided not to let down on my guard. How long will this go on? I don’t know! How long will I endure? I don’t really know. All I can say is I live for now. If things change, thank God if they don’t? Life goes on

Lastic:
Quite frankly it’s not any of these reasons. Let me be more open here. She told me that she was raped as a child and that affected her psyche. She hates to talk about sex and has been in a kind of self prison. I tried all I could but to no avail. Personally I do not believe in extra marital sex no matter how difficult and starved I am. The funny thing is I confronted her once and told her how terrible I was feeling about living 3 months without sex as a married man. She candidly saw nothing wrong in it and advised me to seek satisfaction outside. She was ready to let me have a sex partner outside on the condition I tell her whenever I am ready to start going out. I have kids and I do not want to bring problems to my kids because I love them very much. I feel as if I just have to carry this cross if not for anything but for my kids. Months have passed without sex and I don’t feel anything. I’ve grown out of the masturbation thing to having no feelings about my wife. We now live like two strangers in one house and she doesn’t see anything wrong in that. Well, some choices affect people to death. On the whole, I have found studying and research as my escape route from immoral thoughts. I get busy and enmeshed into my studies but occasionally I have gals hitting on me and all that but then I’ve decided not to let down on my guard. How long will this go on? I don’t know! How long will I endure? I don’t really know. All I can say is I live for now. If things change, thank God if they don’t? Life goes on

What your wife needs is mental therapy to help her escape that prison she lives in, not confrontations and even ultimatums. You should probably consider sitting down as a couple together and making a decision for her mental health in this. Make an appointment with a rape counselor and go from there as a couple. With therapy and time, the situation in your marriage might improve for both of you.

The only reason I would refuse my husband from sleeping with me is if I find out that he is cheating. Apart from that anyday, anytime I am up to the task. It's even better to have sex with your husband every night so that he can have a sound sleep.

.

Kobojunkie:
What your wife needs is mental therapy to help her escape that prison she lives in, not confrontations and even ultimatums. You should probably consider sitting down as a couple together and making a decision for her mental health in this. Make an appointment with a rape counselor and go from there as a couple. With therapy and time, the situation in your marriage might improve for both of you.

Thank you for this, it shows that what I did was right. That reminds me, two years ago after enduring so much, I discussed with her if she could see a therapist but she debunk the idea stating that Nigeria do not have good sex and post rape therapist. I made contacts with good therapist and offered to pay any amount within my ability but she turned it own. After a while I begged her to see them even once and not jump into costly assumptions but she refused. I offered to go with her and support her recovery but she said NO! So my brother, this is my world. Sometimes I feel like running crazy but I give myself full restrain because life is more than all the miseries I’m passing through.

Klass99:


I appreciate your honesty and you sharing your reality like this.

Did you know about the rape incident prior to marriage? You don't have to answer, if you don't want to.

I'm just thinking out loud with this, if she could make love with you for the sake of pregnancy and kids, why can't she do so for the intimacy and bonding opportunity?

I don't imagine you are rough or violent like a rapist would be, but I am in no way belittling her childhood experience or trauma.

That she gave you her blessings to go ahead and have a sidechic is astounding on its own. She may care for you in a weird sort of way, but I applaud you 190% for the self control and self discipline you've exercised. It's a rare feat and quality, seven blessings you.

Thank you for this. And yes she did tell me casually, but I thought it wasn’t too bad. So I thought since I’m not a sex addict I would eventually be cool with it. We discuss it and she said it wouldn’t affect us but it has really done damage to my head…..I’ve recovered from it. Honestly I’m not happy but I tried to pursue joy just to be strong for the kids I brought into this world. And for the discipline? I think God is at work here…..

Lastic:
Thank you for this, it shows that what I did was right. That reminds me, two years ago after enduring so much, I discussed with her if she could see a therapist but she debunk the idea stating that Nigeria do not have good sex and post rape therapist. I made contacts with good therapist and offered to pay any amount within my ability but she turned it own. After a while I begged her to see them even once and not jump into costly assumptions but she refused. I offered to go with her and support her recovery but she said NO! So my brother, this is my world. Sometimes I feel like running crazy but I give myself full restrain because life is more than all the miseries I’m passing through.

You did indeed do the right thing.

I would like go encourage you to keep suggesting it to her so she continues to know that option remains available for your marriage to rise from the ashes of her past.

There is a tremendous amount of shame still wrapped around the idea of seeing a mental Health therapist among Nigerians, and so I expect the stigma much harder for those who have rape in their history to overcome. So, please keep letting your wife know that she is not to blame for the rape and deserves to live free of the scar and enjoy a full life like every other person out there.

If she is online, she can probably find a support group where she can communicate with other victims and learn from them how to let go little by little..