NemoDatQuod:
One of the things I have learnt is to always look beyond my emotions at any point in time. Look at the expected outcomes, regardless of your emotions. You don't swallow your pride and call him or send him a message, your marriage falls apart completely. Have you decided that to be your end game?

Isnt that a bit much for many pregnant women - with all those hormones rushing through them - to do?

Fair point! But her response to suggestions made on here comes across as measured and logical.

Thanks for pointing that out though!

Kobojunkiee:
Isnt that a bit much for many pregnant women - with all those hormones rushing through them - to do?

NemoDatQuod:
It

I was shocked that neither of your mothers came after the birth of your first child due to your refusal to give in to your husband. A wife is required to be submissive to her husband. That means giving in when he makes a decision that you may not agree with. Chaos arises when there are two Captains shepherding a ship at the same time.

No mom finally came not because of my objection. In the end I succumbed to his mom coming but he insisted on mine coming. And because I don't want my mom coming to my house just yet due to the accusation of using charms (you never know what else will come up if my mom is living with us), I refused to bring my mom and that's how we ended here.

Truely your advice is golden, I appreciate it. I've definitely picked up something (alot actually) from it. Thanks for taking out time to respond critically

NemoDatQuod:
It seems to me this is just the latest in a series of significant challenges your marriage is facing. So, giving you advise on this one issue may do nothing for you at all. Maybe it is time for you to take a step back and do some serious soul searching. Honesty and self awareness may be a good place to start from.

I was shocked that neither of your mothers came after the birth of your first child due to your refusal to give in to your husband. A wife is required to be submissive to her husband. That means giving in when he makes a decision that you may not agree with. Chaos arises when there are two Captains shepherding a ship at the same time. It's too late to evaluate if you are married to a man who will take your interests into consideration as he makes decisions. That is what dating before marriage is made for. So it seems to me you have to do a lot of serious soul searching: Are you normally an obedient and submissive wife? Have you done all that is in your power to follow the rules of marriage ( yes it does have rules made by the originator of marriage, which every married person should follow)? When you are done with a self examination, the outcome will help you decide your next steps.

What law or mandate defines this requirement which you claim of a wife abeg?

When did marriage become a ship and no longer a contract/agreement between two individuals, a man and a woman, a partnership rather than a master-slave arrangement?

Vevejoy:
Dear nairalanders,
I'm here with another marriage wahala and need your candid opinion. I'll appreciate mature advice and ignore trolls/insults. Thanks in advance

So my hubby and I have been married for 8years with 2 kids. The first 5years of our marriage was a bliss but the last 3years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. From arguments, insults, accusations... etc from both parties. The worst of them all was hubby accusing me of attempting to "charm" him. Before God and man I wouldn't be here writing this if I had ever attempted such. He did not only accuse me of that, he said my mom and I tried it and I brought a charm to the house (SMH). I asked where the charm is and he said it was removed spiritually by soothsayers. NB: he consults native Dr's like his life is dependent on them. We live abroad and have been here for years yet he consults and communicate with different native Dr's more than the people in Africa. I'm not judging him here, I'm just pained because he dragged my name and mom's into it. Well this aside

So we had a fight over bringing a parent over to help us with childcare. I wanted my mom to come and he wanted his to come so we ended up not bringing anyone. We only had 1child then. Now that we have 2, we literally can't afford childcare for both kids who are not yet in school and we are both full time students at the moment. So to avoid issues, I told him that we should bring his mom. I personally did the application and paid for her medicals out of my pocket. I didn't want the fight of who's coming to begin again so I just said let's file in for your mom and he obliged and I did the application and now we are waiting.

I'm currently on maternity leave so I told him I'd like to travel to Africa for vacation to get a break from abroad. He was fine with it so we did all the arrangements. Our families live in Cameroon and we both grew up in Cameroon (Nigerians though). Given the insecurity in the English part of Cameroon, we rented a guest house in The French part so families can visit. I paid for everything (flight, guest house and even the allowance I brought to cameroon ��). He gave me no support which I am not very happy about but haven't voiced it out to him.
So I informed my inlaws and my family that I was coming with the kids. Non of them have ever met our kids and it took us 5years to have these children so I'd think they'll all be excited to meet them. My parents and sisters family said they were coming to pick me up from the airport but not a single inlaw opted to come and pick me up. No problem! I've been here for 3weeks, called my parents inlaws as soon as I arrived and non of them have come to visit me. All my family members left and I'm here with my brother. Of course I can't be alone with the kids given the insecurity. So hubby called and said his parents will be coming next Tuesday and I should make arrangements for my brother to leave. The guest house is a 2bedroom (rooms upstairs) and 2 bathroom. My brother has been sleeping in the living room since he came and my inlaws are coming to spend 3 or 4days so I'll still need my brother around when they are gone. My dear nairalanders, must my brother go before my inlaws come? Can all of us not stay in the house? As soon as hubby said brother needs to go and I expressed my disagreement, he insulted the hell out of me and said he's been planning to deal with me and will teach me a lesson. He said "I don't know him, he's going to deal with me". He dropped the call and sent a couple of voice messages with insults and threats.He said non of his family members will come here and I can do whatever I like it's my business. His family takes instructions from him so I'll not be shocked if they don't come.On a normal day I'll reciprocate but I held my self and did not reply to a single voicenote. I left him a message that we'll talk when he's calm. Since then he's not picking my calls. I stopped calling.

Put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you will do? Truth be told I've been tired of this marriage for the past 3yrs and came to Cameroon just to rest my head and be away from him. Yet I am still dealing with this.

This guy is just tired of the marriage as well but he is waiting for a time bomb to explore before he will finally inform you that he is pulling out

Your saving grace is that you foot most bills if not you are on. Your own

Meanwhile, just obey him, ask your brother to leave so that your in laws can have space when they come around

For the fact that you pregnant, you don't need to drag anything with him, just wait patiently and put to bed

He is very wrong to ask your helper to leave that means he doesn't care about your health this time around

You went for vacation because of the trauma you are passing through

But bear this in mind
Start saving if you have not been saving, so that the day he will start his nonsense, you will fall back to your savings

He is acting like a man that have another marriage plans and am very sure that you know that very well

Kobojunkiee:
Isnt that a bit much for many pregnant women - with all those hormones rushing through them - to do?

Spare me that trash.

Lilydore:


Spare me that trash.

Don't be stupid.

Melap:


Don't be stupid.

What is that suppose to mean?

Take another read of what I wrote. You will find the answer to your first question right therein. Man did not originate ,marriage. The designer of human life originated marriage and put in place the rules to follow for those who want a successful marriage. I stated that in my first write up.

Also, a second detailed read will show that I did not at any point in time suggest that marriage is a master-slave relationship. Far be it from the originator of marriage to institute such arrangement because everything He does is perfect. He actually hates those who maltreat their mates( husband or wife) and He made that clear. You'd see where I discussed the need for a woman to check during courtship if the man she wants to marry is one who has her interest at heart. I also made it clear that no woman wants to be married to a bully. I ended by talking about restoring love in the relationship. A master-servant relationship does not include love.

Finally, I am sure you have a boss where you work. Once two people are engaged in an activity, one of them will have to take the lead, if the endeavour is to be successful. But taking the lead does not give one the right to be nasty or rude or inconsiderate. I live in a country where such behaviour from a leader at work will lead to his being fired.

Kobojunkiee:
What law or mandate defines this requirement which you claim of a wife abeg?

When did marriage become a ship and no longer a contract/agreement between two individuals, a man and a woman, a partnership rather than a master-slave arrangement?

pocohantas:
Some issues are not worth it.

Your family members are in Cameroon. Meaning your brother can easily go home and return.

So what is all the drama for? Let him go home and come back when your in-laws are gone. I think that is what a sensible adult should do without being told.

100 percent correct on the current issue

The juju part is another problem here because many Nigerian spiritualists have shattered many homes from their nonsense "vision"

OP, apart from the juju part, what I see all over your write up is that you and your husband argue over minor things.

My sincere advise to you both is to be careful how you apply western world teaching to your marriage. I said this because you are living abroad. Before you follow western marriage teachings, please check out how well it's working for them. The statistics are there. Just Google percentage of working marriages in the western world and compare it to other countries not practicing western culture of marriages. Then check the percentage of western population who wants to marry and compare to other countries.

You said the marriage was good for first 5 years, ask yourself what major changes happened after the first 5 years.

Madmazel99:
Your problem is that you two seems to be in some sort of competition with each other. Trying to out best each other in insults, threats and curses.

Have you ever thought of doing the opposite of what you have in your mind when trouble is looming? Instead of insisting on your brother to stay, can't you tell him to go and come back?

Why creating unnecessary tension when you could have easily cool it down and move on from that? Una two like trouble. Always want to prove a point with every situation.


Tell your brother to go and come back. Simple.

Exactly

Helpout12345:
The juju part is another problem here because many Nigerian spiritualists have shattered many homes from their nonsense "vision"
OP, apart from the juju part, what I see all over your write up is that you and your husband argue over minor things.
My sincere advise to you both is to be careful how you apply western world teaching to your marriage. I said this because you are living abroad. Before you follow western marriage teachings, please check out how well it's working for them. The statistics are there. Just Google percentage of working marriages in the western world and compare it to other countries not practicing western culture of marriages. Then check the percentage of western population who wants to marry and compare to other countries.

You said the marriage was good for first 5 years, ask yourself what major changes happened after the first 5 years.

The percentage of working marriages in the western world mirrors the percentage in Nigeria. Don't be deceived by the fact that there's is clearly defined in their statistics whereas that in Nigeria is not as clearly defined. If you consider the rate of marriage abandonment, and the silent"unofficial" divorces in Nigeria, you will find the marriage trend is no different no matter where on the planet you go.

Kobojunkie:
The percentage of working marriages in the western world mirrors the percentage in Nigeria. Don't be deceived by the fact that there's is clearly defined in their statistics whereas that in Nigeria is not as clearly defined. If you consider the rate of marriage abandonment, and the silent"unofficial" divorces in Nigeria, you will find the marriage trend is no different no matter where on the planet you go.

Here you go. This gives you overview that rates are not same everywhere.

https://www.statista.com/topics/797/weddings-and-marriage/?#topicHeader__wrapper

Nigeria has about 70pct of couples living together according to that statistics.

Helpout12345:
Here you go. This gives you overview that rates are not same everywhere.
https://www.statista.com/topics/797/weddings-and-marriage/?#topicHeader__wrapper Nigeria has about 70pct of couples living together according to that statistics.

You don't seem to understand any of what I stated, do you?

How many of the Nigerian men who are now married to another woman after abandoning their previous families are counted as divorce cases in Nigeria?
How many of the Nigerian women who are now married to another man after abandoning their previous marriages are counted as divorce cases in Nigeria?
How many of the women who were returned to their father's homes by their husbands are counted as divorce cases in Nigeria?
How many of the men who demanded a return on the bride price paid have those incidents recorded as divorce cases in Nigeria?
In parts of Northern Nigeria, divorce is granted after a spouse publicly renounces the other a number of times, however, are these divorce cases recorded and officially tracked?

All the cases listed above take place regularly in Nigeria, yet almost none of them are registered official as divorce cases in the country. So how do you expect to compare the divorce rate in western countries where pretty much all cases of divorce are recorded, to divorce in a country like Nigeria where majority of the divorce that happens takes place off the books?

Many of us know at least one person or another whose former spouse abandoned so many years, even decades ago, yet still not officially divorced. Yet you think you can compare Nigeria's divorce rate in Nigeria where the bulk goes untracked to the official rate in Western countries. If you are honest with yourself, you will know that the divorce rate is pretty much the same if properly tracked.

Kobojunkie:
You don't seem to understand any of what I stated, do you?

How many of the Nigerian men who are now married to another woman after abandoning their previous families are counted as divorce cases in Nigeria?
How many of the Nigerian women who are now married to another man after abandoning their previous marriages are counted as divorce cases in Nigeria?
How many of the women who were returned to their father's homes by their husbands are counted as divorce cases in Nigeria?
How many of the men who demanded a return on the bride price paid have those incidents recorded as divorce cases in Nigeria?
In parts of Northern Nigeria, divorce is granted after a spouse publicly renounces the other a number of times, however, are these divorce cases recorded and officially tracked?

All the cases listed above take place regularly in Nigeria, yet almost none of them are registered official as divorce cases in the country. So how do you expect to compare the divorce rate in western countries where pretty much all cases of divorce are recorded, to divorce in a country like Nigeria where majority of the divorce that happens takes place off the books?

Many of us know at least one person or another whose former spouse abandoned so many years, even decades ago, yet still not officially divorced. Yet you think you can compare Nigeria's divorce rate in Nigeria where the bulk goes untracked to the official rate in Western countries. If you are honest with yourself, you will know that the divorce rate is pretty much the same if properly tracked.

I agree with you that Nigerian statistics might not be accurate if the source of the data is from Nigerian statistics office based on official reports. But based on public survey data, Nigeria has better marriage rates compared to many western countries official data. It's just like saying Nigeria has same level of same sex marriage compared to all western countries because all our marriages data are not officially reported.

That link I shared was just to tell you that marriage rates and divorce rates are not same everywhere in the world.

Helpout12345:

I agree with you that Nigerian statistics might not be accurate if the source of the data is from Nigerian statistics office based on official reports. But based on public survey data, Nigeria has better marriage rates compared to many western countries official data. It's just like saying Nigeria has same level of same sex marriage compared to all western countries because all our marriages data are not officially reported.

That link I shared was just to tell you that marriage rates and divorce rates are not same everywhere in the world.

Did you read your own response?

How can public survey data gathered from a population in which divorce is considered taboo, even though the vast majority have been affected by it in some way, be used to compare with actual records gathered from tracking of real events?

Do you expect the many abandoned wives who still wear their "Mrs" badges to admit to being divorced?
Or is it that you expect the man/woman on his/her second marriage while keeping his/her first failed marriage a secret from his/her spouse to publiicly admit to being divorced?..... Come on now!

Stop shutting your eyes to what is apparent for those who have eyes to see.

pocohantas:
Some issues are not worth it.

Your family members are in Cameroon. Meaning your brother can easily go home and return.

So what is all the drama for? Let him go home and come back when your in-laws are gone. I think that is what a sensible adult should do without being told.

I guess she is questioning the husband's request because of the underlying feeling that he didn't made any support towards the vacation. Otherwise, she probably wouldn't have anything against the said request.