jennykadry:

Amongst others, I think thr BIL is one of those people that when they see things, they will not rest until it is finished.

Yep. There are people like that. I dealt with one today

^^Lol, spill the beans. I have a cousin like that. When she comes visiting, she must chop everything add jara(extra) and won't rest until everything is gone. Thank God for the way my parents brought us up. Nothing moves us(except a RR sports). I don't know how people think. Before I got married, I used to visit my Brother and his wife for a week during school hols, the wife rang my mother one day and told her that she's scared, I will lose a lot of kilos before I leave their place. I don't take things because they are available , I take things because I need them.

jennykadry:

^^Lol, spill the beans. I have a cousin like that. When she comes visiting, she must chop everything add jara(extra) and won't rest until everything is gone. Thank God for the way my parents brought us up. Nothing moves us(except a RR sports). I don't know how people think. Before I got married, I used to visit my Brother and his wife for a week during school hols, the wife rang my mother one day and told her that she's scared, I will lose a lot of kilos before I leave their place. I don't take things because they are available , I take things because I need them.

Abeg I don't know who is reading here. LOL. I thought maybe I was over reacting and my best friend was like what nonsense. You are so right about just taking things. Especially adults. How do you just help yourself to the point that it makes a difference in the whole meal for the family? Nonsense and otonni.

at outstrip thanks for the empathy. now that i think about it, maybe i should have physically removed the milk from his hands too. i wonder what he'd have said. but i think he got the message when he would see me buy milk and not put it where i used to put it, but in my wardrobe. i know he looks through my wardrobe and stuff, for what i dont know, but when he saw the milk he probably got the message. i would have fought him if he  removed the milk cos then i could accuse him of going thru my stuff. i have not really spoken to my husband about his behavior except that i have corrected his brother in front of him, like the time i mentioned earlier that i corrected my BIL for spreading his clothes in front of the front door.
one time i suggested he not use the brooms because of the so many he keeps breaking.

but i am afraid of saying anything more than that because one time i mentioned  to my husband how his bro broke the tv and he said no it must have been an accident. but i knew he knew it wasnt a simple accident because later he left the broken dvd payers and electronics in the living room and  put the ones that still work, with the exception of one tv ( which he left in the living room) in our bedroom. and cautioned his bro against using it.

@ chaircover, the pot of stew had twelve pieces of meat and he ate it all. i know it had twelve pieces because i became reduced to counting meat in the pot when i would make a pot full of meat fish etc and come back home and see it all gone. i began to think that perhaps i was delusional and didnt actually put meat in the pot so i started counting.

thank goodness though he has left a few days ago. now i have food and property peace. i was relieved to see him go.

 i wish my life was different and that perhaps i married a white man and maybe family wont come over to disturb my peace. but all i can hope for is to become so wealthy that i wont care when family comes over and eats or destroys property. i also hope that i would be to busy to even bother with anyone. and perhaps live in an area to flashy that they wont want to come and disturb me.

but there are those great inlaws who come over and you dont want them to leave, like my hubbys cousin who cooks, cleans and is so well brought up, i wanted to invite her to live with us except that she is kinda expensive and has expensive tastes and i cant afford right now,( situations will change), some of the gucci she wants to be owning.

but as it is i am a sucker for the dark skin and so my life is as it is.

@ owu gal like I said, I don't think your husband is blind to his brother's behaviour.  He's adopting that "you deal with the household" thing so he doesn't have to deal with him, you are the intermediary, therefore all the stress is on you.

It is awful to have to police everything in your house, and sadder still you don't have the support or back-up of your husband.  I suggest that, if your brother-in-law ever comes back to your house to stay, sit down with your husband and lay down some ground rules for your in-law.   

Make sure your wardrobe has a lock on it next time - how someone could be visiting and going through your wardrobe is totally disrespectful.  I don't even do that to my mother much less an in-law.  Make sure you don't buy any new appliances so he's free to destroy what is already there    Keep a nice stack of bedding etc for people to take freely so you don't have to think about it (lock up the rest).

Your life is what it is, however it is possible for you to have some degree of control over what happens in your home without making enemies.  You set the tone and rules, not visitors or family.  It is sad that you have to live like someone under seige in your own home, but sadly that is the cross you must bear for now.  Many of us would love to be better off than we are, but all we need to do is manage the resources and things we have.   I'm glad this hasn't put you off having family stay, but some people need more boundaries than others, your brother-in-law being one of them.

Owu gal:

at outstrip thanks for the empathy. now that i think about it, maybe i should have physically removed the milk from his hands too. i wonder what he'd have said. but i think he got the message when he would see me buy milk and not put it where i used to put it, but in my wardrobe. i know he looks through my wardrobe and stuff, for what i dont know, but when he saw the milk he probably got the message. i would have fought him if he  removed the milk cos then i could accuse him of going thru my stuff. i have not really spoken to my husband about his behavior except that i have corrected his brother in front of him, like the time i mentioned earlier that i corrected my BIL for spreading his clothes in front of the front door.
one time i suggested he not use the brooms because of the so many he keeps breaking.

but i am afraid of saying anything more than that because one time i mentioned  to my husband how his bro broke the tv and he said no it must have been an accident. but i knew he knew it wasnt a simple accident because later he left the broken dvd payers and electronics in the living room and  put the ones that still work, with the exception of one tv ( which he left in the living room) in our bedroom. and cautioned his bro against using it.

@ chaircover, the pot of stew had twelve pieces of meat and he ate it all. i know it had twelve pieces because i became reduced to counting meat in the pot when i would make a pot full of meat fish etc and come back home and see it all gone. i began to think that perhaps i was delusional and didnt actually put meat in the pot so i started counting.

thank goodness though he has left a few days ago. now i have food and property peace. i was relieved to see him go.

 i wish my life was different and that perhaps i married a white man and maybe family wont come over to disturb my peace. but all i can hope for is to become so wealthy that i wont care when family comes over and eats or destroys property. i also hope that i would be to busy to even bother with anyone. and perhaps live in an area to flashy that they wont want to come and disturb me.

but there are those great inlaws who come over and you dont want them to leave, like my hubbys cousin who cooks, cleans and is so well brought up, i wanted to invite her to live with us except that she is kinda expensive and has expensive tastes and i cant afford right now,( situations will change), some of the gucci she wants to be owning.

but as it is i am a sucker for the dark skin and so my life is as it is.

I have a feeling that the young man probably came from a "not so exposed" background.

And so he does things the way he was  brought up.

I once had an issue with a young cousin from the village, he does not know how to do anything but eats heavily.

But today the young man is changed due exposure and education.

So i will advise you to be careful with the way you handle the young man, because he will surely grow-up and become a responsible man.

Dear Emmatok,
thank you so much for your perfect analysis ( if not complete) of the situation. You are right, he does come from the village or at least had a not so priviledged upbringing. and its true he eats a lot and when he first came to my house did not know how to do a thing. I mean he broke the brooms he was trying to use to sweep or kill a fly (I know he broke one broom while trying to use it to swat a fly).

I think he will mature to be responsible, but right now its painful to live with him and also very expensive. this holiday time around he broke no tv, but ate all the food and damaged the iron and a few minor appliances, which thankfuly i have spares of and decided to hide.

You cant imagine how scared I was when he told his brother to teach him how to drive? I immediately informed my husband not to think of using my car. and because of that myhusband never taught him. but to be honest, his brother takes less interest in him than I do. and never even thought of getting the boy a bank account or even ID card. I was the one pressing for it. I would have even got him all that if it wasnt that his family didnt coperate in releasing his birth certificate.

marriage is not easy. so for all the young women out there wishing to get married, I can tell you that its like wishing to learn how to charm a snake. it can be dangerous, tricky and it requires constant vigilance. half of the time I am so resentful of my husband and inlaws. and even my parents for suggesting I learn to tolerate it. I cant tell you the number of times I want to get out of it. Even now as I type I want to get out of it. but for "hope" that deceiver and yet good thing is making me believe that there is something good to be gotten out of this.

.

@ chaircover, the comforting thing i got out of what you just said is that one day he'd realize i am doing it for his own good. but at the same time i highly doubt he'd ever appreciate it now or in the future. you mentioned that he is 19 and would soon have his own home, this is africa and i doubt that highly. he will be with us for another 6 years or more. considering that the alternative is to go to his mom in the village. he has 2 more years of secondary school to finish. so thats no comfort. if "YOU" were heavy handed, heh, at what point will you begin to stop touching things? I mean wont you be ashamed and even appologize. this guy has never appologized to me before for anything, and has even tried to lie to me one day when I caught him breaking my picture frames in the living room that only he was in. telling me it was my toddler son who broke it, when the reason i jumped out of bed, with my baby sleeping beside me, in the first place, was because i heard the shattering of glass. it infuriates. me.
I see your point that his mom may take it as an insult on her child rearing ways, but she doesnt have to be too offended because he did live with some other relatives before my husband and i got together to establish our home for quite a while.
nways the boy is gone for now. so a little peace is reigning. i no longer have this constant anxiety that something is going to break. even though i have a nagging fear that somethings are broken but neatly put in place so that the next time i need to use them, crash, not working.

How is it that the younger brother and your husband are so different? Your husband didn't go around breaking stuff around the house did he? Yet his younger brother appears to have been touched by Eris herself. Did they not experience the same upbringing?

Bawss1:

How is it that the younger brother and your husband are so different? Your husband didn't go around breaking stuff around the house did he? Yet his younger brother appears to have been touched by Eris herself. Did they not experience the same upbringing?

I also thought about that. Where was this brother raised? I have seen families though were one sibling lived somewhere else and you can tell the difference. I personally think that some of those things do not need to be reported to the husband. A number of those things she listed could have been addressed on the spot. If he runs bakc to his brother then that is even better. All three of them can then sit together and explain what will be tolerated and what will not be

Owu gal:

Dear Emmatok,
thank you so much for your perfect analysis ( if not complete) of the situation. You are right, he does come from the village or at least had a not so priviledged upbringing. and its true he eats a lot and when he first came to my house did not know how to do a thing. I mean he broke the brooms he was trying to use to sweep or kill a fly (I know he broke one broom while trying to use it to swat a fly).

I think he will mature to be responsible, but right now its painful to live with him and also very expensive. this holiday time around he broke no tv, but ate all the food and damaged the iron and a few minor appliances, which thankfuly i have spares of and decided to hide.

You cant imagine how scared I was when he told his brother to teach him how to drive? I immediately informed my husband not to think of using my car. and because of that myhusband never taught him. but to be honest, his brother takes less interest in him than I do. and never even thought of getting the boy a bank account or even ID card. I was the one pressing for it. I would have even got him all that if it wasnt that his family didnt coperate in releasing his birth certificate.

marriage is not easy. so for all the young women out there wishing to get married, I can tell you that its like wishing to learn how to charm a snake. it can be dangerous, tricky and it requires constant vigilance. half of the time I am so resentful of my husband and inlaws. and even my parents for suggesting I learn to tolerate it. I cant tell you the number of times I want to get out of it. Even now as I type I want to get out of it. but  for "hope" that deceiver and yet good thing is making me believe that there is something good to be gotten out of this.

Good, Since you now realize the young man came from the village with little or no exposure.

I will recommend you let him spend more time outside home with his peers/friends.

Example- After school let him attend evening classes, make sure read his books .
               On weekends enroll him in one resourceful group either in church, Sports or else were.

Make sure he is always busy doing something, that way his mind will be occupied,and his youthful energy re-channeled.

As for your In-laws, don't show any sign of frustration in their presence,  make sure you stick to your stranded on how you want you home be.

They will have to adjust or stop coming.

to those who asked if my husband and him were raised seperately, the ans is yes. also there is a 16 year difference in their ages. also if my husband destroyed things, he had stopped before he married me.

@Owu gal.....ur own better pass,my brother in law takes my car out to party with his frnds,he will enter my kitchen and cook all manner.infact ehn....make I no even talk am all but its not fair at all

@Poster, why are you afraid? If your husband does not have a problem with it, why are you perturbed? Relax and enjoy your marriage.
The boy is a teenager and sad that he has some of them "frank spencer" traits, but I am guessing that problem can be traced back to before you showed up in the picture, so I don't really know what you intend to do here. Cure him?

If you leave on your trip and come back to a messy house, all you need to do is tell him to help you clean up. I hope you are not one of those who makes your in-laws sit and do not chores in the house, cause then you will have to be the one to handle all of the cleaning on your own(no fault of his since you made the decision in this case to let him sit free).

Owu gal: to those who asked if my husband and him were raised seperately, the ans is yes. also there is a 16 year difference in their ages. also if my husband destroyed things, he had stopped before he married me.

Try to find out about the boy before you showed up to the picture . . . was he also destructive then? If yes, then you have no worries. If he only does this when he is in your home, then there might be a problem but since your husband does not seem to mind it, all you can do really is keep a log of what goes wrong, give a copy to your husband if possible, and go about your married life, happily.