My husband doesn't like confrontation. Whenever we have a problem and I want to discuss it -even in a very calm and civilised way -he clams up, shuts down and -if possible -stps talking at all. He says all he wants is peace. That dealing with problem is by leaving it behind and not discussing it.
Even after a fight, he would just like to forget it and move on, he will never apologise, or even tell me how we should improve things, what maybe I should do -if he thinks I'm guilty od something. So if he sees I am still dwelling on it, he can keep silent for 2-5 days.
Do you have a similar experience -with youself or your partner. Is it a Nigerian way -or just his own?

brb

I ain't married and ain't gat a girlfriend so I would not know

^^^
Don't mind her the man probably does not want to get abusive

Did you marry a stranger ? What exactly is the Nigerian way ? Explain ---- has he collected his greencard yet ?

Men in general regardless where they are from do not like confrontation because men aren't emotional like women.  

Now there are men who are communicative in many other ways that is not traditional for an example talking.  

It is important to know how your husband communicates.  My husband is verbal and visual so he communicates both verbal and visually.  It is important to know your spouse and work with their strengths as well as their weaknesses.  

I do not see a problem with your husband clamming up after an argument or discussion maybe something in his past that triggers that emotion every time he gets in an argument with anyone or discussion.  

Try writing next time I find writing to be easier for men to express then verbalizing for some strange reason.  Do your homework and report back to me the testimony.

If your husband thinks the confrontation may lead to something out of his control, HE will keep quiet . .or walk out

Better that way in my opinion.

Choose one: he keeps quiet, he curses you out or he raises a hand on you?

You try everything to get a reaction out of a man but then you cant hadle the reaction you get . .think about it.

I agree with Mrs. Chima and kokoye's response. But at the same time, I do believe you two need to deal with the issues and not just keep sweeping it under the rug. Like Mrs. Chima suggested, maybe you can try writing (email or a letter) to discuss the issue sanely and calmly. Most men don't like that confrontation of arguing as they feel it won't solve anything anyway. But if it's an issue that hasn't been dealth with and resolved, that same problem will keep resurfacing bigger and worser each time. Communication is the key and avoiding it all the time is only setting yourselves up for something more horrifically devastating in the future.

^^^

I agree issues need to be dealt with.

But not when I'm boiling . . .and you are too. It never ends well

I keep quiet or take a walk to calm down.

Then when we are both relaxed . .either one can politely bring it up and we will have a decent and fruitful conversation and resolution.

Never a good thing if you are trying to get a reaction out of an angry man.

My thought.

Koyoke

I do not think that she is trying to get a reaction out of her husband just for spite. I think when women are emotionally invested they tends to rely on emotions rather than just waiting until both persons are calm.

If she is doing it just to spite her husband then that a different picture all together but I think she feels that it is better to communicate NOW rather than later.

As I have stated men TYPICALLY do not like to converse when they are not confrontational and that definition meaning handling whatever that is going on at the particular time so basically you are saying what I am saying with cum stains.

Now you did mentioned if he is angry it is better that he walk away then to strike her. My question is this why must he retort to physical violent simply because he is angry? That's a bad sign in my book.

livedit:

I agree with Mrs. Chima and kokoye's response. But at the same time, I do believe you two need to deal with the issues and not just keep sweeping it under the rug. Like Mrs. Chima suggested, maybe you can try writing (email or a letter) to discuss the issue sanely and calmly. Most men don't like that confrontation of arguing as they feel it won't solve anything anyway. But if it's an issue that hasn't been dealth with and resolved, that same problem will keep resurfacing bigger and worser each time. Communication is the key and avoiding it all the time is only setting yourselves up for something more horrifically devastating in the future.

Communication indeed is very important. There are ways to communicate with our spouses and we just have to be willingly enough to find out what works for our marriage individually.

Mrs.Chima:

Now you did mentioned if he is angry it is better that he walk away then to strike her. My question is this why must he retort to physical violent simply because he is angry? That's a bad sign in my book.

I gave 3 available options known to men and you decided to pick just one outta the three . . .why??

You must be the one looking for trouble

kokoye:

I gave 3 available options known to men and you decided to pick just one outta the three . . .why??

You must be the one looking for trouble

Have you seen Mr. Chima? I dare pick a fight with him. I will have to resort into hair spray and lighter!

The other two options were nonissue but the violent part is serious and too many women ends up on the bottom end of it. You know it.

Mynd_44:

^^^
Don't mind her the man probably does not want to get abusive

Goldieluks:

i thought you said your not married?so how did you get to know all that?^^

I asked Mrs Chima

I am not married so may not be in the best of positions to comment but I have been in relationships, so I believe I can draw an analogy from those.

I think Mrs. Chima and Kokoye are both on the money in this matter. Personally, I dislike any form of confrontation with a lady and when my ex (es) and I had issues, I preferred to clam up and process what had just taken place. Eventually, I would raise the issue when we have all simmered down. I think this is the way most men are built.

However, the ladies would always want to thrash it out there and then. I do not think they do this from a place of belligerence but I think women want issues cleared up as soon as they come up, at least most do . But the pitfall in this is that issues cannot really be cleared up successfully when tempers are still high and egos still feeling bruised. The only outcome would be more recriminations.

..

chaircover:

What bothers me is the non discussion of issues even when things have simmered down. Permanently sweeping things under the carpet will eventually break the relationship.

I agree. Playing the ostrich never solved anything. I know some people think if they ignored the elephant long enough it would eventually leave the room.

Having identified the problem, you're half way to solving it. Your husband doesn't like nagging. You can still work out another way of expressing your mind.
When he doesn't want to discuss an issue, let it be .
He can't always be angry, when he's in high-spirit, he probably may have forgotten about the issue, calmly and carefully bring it up and be mindful of his reaction.

Try different methods,you've not gotten to his soft-spot.

There's nothing Nigerian about his reactions, just personal. No one but you will work your marriage, keep trying.

I don't know which men y'all are talking about when you say 'men don't like confrontation', many/most I know like exactly that.

That is an aside though, the main issue here is the non-communicative stance of the husband. He has either never been taught/learnt how to communicate and resolve issues or has had terrible experiences with some women in his life (mother, sisters, girlfriends, etc) that has led to his complete shut down when it comes to discussing issues. In the absence of those two, he may have seen his parents argue endlessly with no resolution and has decided that withdrawal from the issue is the best medicine.

What you need to do is stop discussing issues completely - instead you need to focus on developing communication from the basics.

You need to establish ground rules on how you will discuss disagreements and quarrels and the like in general, outside of pressures of any single issue that has arisen.

If he says he wants peace, you need to make sure you assure him that you also want peace, but are interested in knowing what he is thinking. What is required is serious study of your husband to learn how/when he likes to communicate. Every human being has a way of communicating, once you discover this, then you can develop and encourage it to help you resolve issues.

Debosky has pretty much hit the nail on the head.  Women are not "belligerent" as Beowolf stated (though some are), most just like thrashing issues out when they come up and get it over and done with.   

Men who choose to be non-communicative in my experience usually think anyone saying anything they don't like is "confrontational" or argumentative.  Silence is not the best or most mature way of dealing with disagreements.  That is the reason why little things escalate into big arguments.

There's a time to speak and a time to be silent.  Not everything has to develop into an argument, pick your moments wisely.

OOmpa:

My husband doesn't like confrontation. Whenever we have a problem and I want to discuss it -even in a very calm and civilised way -he clams up, shuts down and -if possible -stps talking at all. He says all he wants is peace. That dealing with problem is by leaving it behind and not discussing it.
Even after a fight, he would just like to forget it and move on, he will never apologise, or even tell me how we should improve things, what maybe I should do -if he thinks I'm guilty od something. So if he sees I am still dwelling on it, he can keep silent for 2-5 days.
Do you have a similar experience -with youself or your partner. Is it a Nigerian way -or just his own?

Why generalized your husband's problem on all nigerian men ?

OOmpa:

My husband doesn't like confrontation. Whenever we have a problem and I want to discuss it -even in a very calm and civilised way -he clams up, shuts down and -if possible -stps talking at all. He says all he wants is peace. That dealing with problem is by leaving it behind and not discussing it.
Even after a fight, he would just like to forget it and move on, he will never apologise, or even tell me how we should improve things, what maybe I should do -if he thinks I'm guilty od something. So if he sees I am still dwelling on it, he can keep silent for 2-5 days.
Do you have a similar experience -with youself or your partner. Is it a Nigerian way -or just his own?

Your Husband is most probably a "MELPHLEG" with a greater tilt to being a "MELANCHOLY".
Before U crucify me, please read these books by Tim La Haye:
1. Why You Act the Way You Do
2. The Theory of the Temperaments
3. Spirit-Filled Temperaments
These books will give you a greater understanding on human temperaments and how to handle them. Your husband's behaviour is not a Nigerian Thing.

@ OP

send him a text message; I am sure you will get a response. Also in the past have you been very combative while he tried to talk to you in person? If so, maybe he is just trying to avoid another confrontation.

I will advise texting him. I know it sounds corny that you will resort to communicating via text when you can speak in person, but apparently speaking in person isn't working, so trying other means won't be a bad idea.

If he does not respond to your text, then send him an email.

Madam! I believe your husband sees the bigger picture, You know many women think with their feet when they are emotional,
Whenever he keeps to himself as a result of your nagging, put your brain back in your head and be a supportive and obedient wife,

OOmpa:

My husband doesn't like confrontation. Whenever we have a problem and I want to discuss it -even in a very calm and civilised way -he clams up, shuts down and -if possible -stps talking at all. He says all he wants is peace. That dealing with problem is by leaving it behind and not discussing it.
Even after a fight, he would just like to forget it and move on, he will never apologise, or even tell me how we should improve things, what maybe I should do -if he thinks I'm guilty od something. So if he sees I am still dwelling on it, he can keep silent for 2-5 days.
Do you have a similar experience -with youself or your partner. Is it a Nigerian way -or just his own?

am nt married , but i am like that in my family? do nt like to bring up d past jst prefer to move on. but my parents said d attitude culd kill d communication needed in a family when i start one.

I tink d problem is dt most of us do nt knw wen to bring up a issue and hw to express it? u need to knw yur husband hapi times and do nt b confrotational rather accept u r @ fault and giv yur advice to hw to solve d problem then u can ask 4 his opinion .

I think the level of anger in a man at a point in time determines how the woman should approach or confront him. If my temper is high and my wife confronts me, she will definately get a raised voice or i leave the house. Women should learn dat men hate naggin wifes.
I do sometimes get deppressed or have a mood swing. My wife will never understand even if i ask her to pls let me deal wit it. Last time i had it she started crying that i didnt want to talk with her!
I think its best to talk once the mood in the house becomes jovial. But if he still doesnt want to talk, find another means to communicate.

IMO, I believe anyone should be ready to talk about a problem. I believe discussing problems help one understand one's partner better. But really only few people know how to communicate. people get angry for so many reasons in the same manner a house can get burnt for so many reasons. So in thesame manner if u know what actions of yours can get your house burnt then it is best to run away from it, so if u communicate with your spouse about wat gets him or her angry then it is best to take corrections from it. Well i like arguing with which I try and seperate myself from the arguement as much as possible and if I were to be convinced by my partner that I was wrong, i heed to correction.


I am not married but have got a gf, she doesn't know how to argue things out calmly.

My advice is that, just ignore him, if that is what he wants, am telling you, he would be the one to complain later on that you do not like to resolve issues, because if you keep at it, he will see you as someone that loves to nag, so if he wants to keep silent about issues, keep silent with him too, for awhile, and it is just his nature, that attitude has nothing to do with 'nigerian men'. My hubby is the type that would iron out issues before we go to bed, infact, sometimes i just want to be silent and let things be, but he will bug me till i say what is on my mind, so men are different.

Beowulf:

I agree. Playing the ostrich never solved anything. I know some people think if they ignored the elephant long enough it would eventually leave the room.

LOL  . I have a male friend who actually believes he can play the ostrich and ignore the elephant long enough until it eventually leaves the room. The fellow amuses me to no end I wish he could read some of the responses here.

chaircover:

What bothers me is the non discussion of issues even when things have simmered down. Permanently sweeping things under the carpet will eventually break the relationship.

What you said just echoed my thoughts and feelings on this poster's issue particularly with regards to her husband. I hope the bolded part doesn't become the reality of their lives ooh.