Hello peeps, I have been a passive member of this forum but presently, I am seriously confused about my relationship which is why I am posting this topic to sample opinions.

I have been in my relationship for 8 years now long before my boyfriend travelled abroad 5 years ago. The distance and some other factors played a role in between those years we were apart, so we had some major strains. Recently, we got back together fully cos we realised we still had it going for each other. he came back December and met my people with promise that his people will come later to kick off the formalities to marriage.

Things didn't go as he intended because there was a job strain and I really tried to understand with him while praying that God will intervene in the job situation which was a clog in the wheel. God answered that prayer and I broached the issue again cos am really not getting any younger. We agreed that the people were going to come during the muslim holiday(bearing in mind that I work in Lagos but am from East so it's an ample opportunity).

Along the line, we got talking about some stuff and the issue of the i am using came up. I told him and he got pissed that I didn't hint it to him before then. I apologised though it really wasn't intentional not telling him. As at the time I had it, we were having a little issue so there was no conducive time to tell him about it. Things ended on a sad note that day even after I apologised. He said he wanted me to tell him every minute details and since I didn't tell him about that, he believed there are some other stuff i might not be telling him. I was planning to visit Uk which he was aware of except that I didn't tell anybody not even my family when i submitted until I got the visa. I wanted to surprise all of them with the good news including him, unfortunately, he didn't take it that way as he referred to it when the  issue came up, that I hide things from him. Because of this he said we have to put a hold on the marriage arrangement.

I took it as he said cos I don't like pushing people to do what they don't really feel inclined to do. I asked him yesterday to be honest and tell me if he still feels we have a future together and he said yes. I wanted to find out what his long term plan as regards 'US' is and he is not giving me straight answer. All he keeps saying is that we need to work on ourselves and pray. All well and good to me cos even in marriage people still work on themselves. But giving me blanket answer without a clear cut plan or time frame didn't sit well with me which I told him. At the end of the day, he still didn't give a direct answer to that.

I am actually writing all these to get third party opinion and I need mature answer which is partly why I am posting this in the family section. Kindly advise please.

Note: I am a 30 years old lady working in a bank

8 yrs rship. So marriage plans are now on hold because you bought a phone without hinting him even though you guys were not in talking terms when you bought the phone. I think its more of he does not trust you.

Do you really want to get married,as in, do you desire to get married(some ladies say they don"t)?

Aside this guy,are you seeing another person,other marriage offers?

Do you know the type of phone and laptop your guy is using,does he share those details with you cos If he does not,he has no business getting angry at you.

How old is the guy?

8 years? But that is a lot of time cutiebabe . How long do you intend waiting for? Have you got someone else? or were you busy chasing men away because of your commitment to him?

@Ifyalways the guy is 32yrs old. I know he is using Iphone but not necessarily that he told me as at d time he bought it. I really want to get married which is why I am bothered.

I've tried to make him understand that its never the same for a man & a woman. He can afford to give himself time but I don't have that same luxury. Since we got back together again, I've not had any other relationship cos I don't want to get distracted. This was why I asked him to let me in on his plans, at least I deserve to know since am supposedly part of the plan but he was not forthcoming except that we should work on ourselves and pray. My question still remains for how long more?

...

cutiebabe:

@Ifyalways the guy is 32yrs old. I know he is using Iphone but not necessarily that he told me as at d time he bought it. I really want to get married which is why I am bothered.

I've tried to make him understand that its never the same for a man & a woman. He can afford to give himself time but I don't have that same luxury. Since we got back together again, I've not had any other relationship cos I don't want to get distracted. This was why I asked him to let me in on his plans, at least I deserve to know since am supposedly part of the plan but he was not forthcoming except that we should work on ourselves and pray. My question still remains for how long more?

I don't know any reason men sometimes try to make it difficult for us women.He bought and is using his Iphone without hinting you so why raise a storm cos you got urself a BB . . and If you were to be a poor broke azz student I'd understand his worries but 30 and gainfully employed,say what  
I don't know how he said it but I don't understand why you should apologize,I wud have subtly but playfully reminded him that he never told me when he got his Iphone.Could he be a control freak?I'd leave you to be the judge.  

At 30 and as someone who wud love to join the marriage wagon,You should not be trying to make him understand after 8 years of courtship,He should know that you ain't getting younger and you ought to be open to other men.You are not married until you marry.No wisdom in building your world around 1 dude.

You guys have fasted,prayed and worked on yourself for 8 solid years,do you think God haven't heard or you guys are so carried away in the spirit that you couldn't hear that still small voice?No need going round in circles,the options im seeing are:

Can you afford to wait a few years more?

Would you call him up and ask him in clear terms what his plans for the relationship are?Be very clear,no mincing words.

Open up your heart to meet new men.

More prayers but take time out to listen to God.

Good luck.

OP

I get a feeling you are being sidelined here. The man could be married /in a relationship abroad. Ask him to come up with a better excuse. Who on earth would put a hold on his marriage plans(after 8 long years) coz the woman forgot to mention abt the BB she bought. The hazards BB is causing to men and women these days-Sigh !

Thanks all for the response so far. @Ify I had a heart to heart discussion with him yesternite & I told him to spell things out in clear terms, I didn't mince words in letting him know how I felt & the need to know what I am actually doing. He said he still wants the relationship but didn't tell me what d marriage plans are.

As for having a relationship there, I can't say 100% but I believe him as he said he doesn't have any cos as CC said, trust & communication is key in LDR.

I wish you the best but i will not advise you to be patient with him.

Why not pay him a surprise visit? Since u are gainfully employed, u can afford it. You really need to know if he is worth waiting for. 8yrs? and something as small as BB can cause u guys so much wahala? I seriously doubt his intentions. He sounds like he is looking for an opportunity to get rid of you while saying it is your fault or regularize himself over there b4 he talks marriage.

......

@Ola, it's amazing how you asked questions & provided the best possible that will suit ur point. If a lady sleeping with a man automatically makes me a LovePeddler (in your dictionary), then it applies vice versa. It takes two to tango, rememberm

Like I said before, we had major strain along the while we were apart which was more or less like a break. I told him about my relationship during this perios & he equally opened up to me. So that's not an issue at all.

There is no running out of option iin this case as I made a decision to keep other prospective guys at bay cos I believed there was no point stringing anyone along(since I & my guy were already talking marriage) and of course he is from my tribe, same state actually.

I have never funded him in any way as he has never depended on me for anything not even for a day, he is simply not those kind of men. As a matter of fact, he has never asked how much I earn or what I do with my money. So all ur assumptions doesn't come to play, all the same thanks for ur contribution.

why do i have the feeling he is hiding the main issues and covering them up with the phone and not telling me everything excuse?

I think he is being very unfair. What he is doing is cruel. It is up to you if you think you really want to deal with this for the rest f your life. For a man to pull the rug from under you for not telling him things that are not so important means a lot. I want to be optimistic but I am finding it hard. Good luck

since you said he is in a foreign country, who knows he might be holding on to your relationship in case the one he has there doesn't work out

8 years is a long time.

What I wrote initially asking qtns and providing ans was just to make you address those issues cos if anybody is gonna give you any relevant advice they've got to have this info now talking realistically I think he is not ready for marriage he might be 32 but we guy's sometimes are lilly livered when it come's to commitment believe me. He might even love you deeply but just scared about marriage it's till death you know you could try to show him real love I mean selfless love one that he may not find anywhere now this sounds a whole lot like a risk but at this point I don't think you've got much choice but to give it a shot a bird at hand you know, now this sounds a whole lot like a risk but at this point I don't think you've got much choice but to give it a shot a bird at hand you know,

I must first of all salute your courage to be open especially with your age, many ladies are going through similar issues in their lives, but have decided to keep it to themselves.

At 30 you are certainly not a kid anymore, u are experienced enough to know what u want, especially realizing that you are a woman does not make it any easier for you.

i don't think your guy is ready for marriage with you yet, i have a feeling there is something he is not telling you and i feel the thing just came up unexpectedly for him. i would advice you to keep your options open again, if he is not showing commitment for the marriage at this stage i would advice you walk away, this issue has gone beyond Love and feeling, its about reality.

Dedicating post number 700 to all the ladies and mothers on Nairaland.

You believed him when he told he's not in a relationship? And he's ben there for 5years? Are playing naive or you are really naive? Seriously? do you need someone to slap you out of your fantasy and back to reality?

Unbelievable

@poster
My guess is that the guy is not fully persuaded about getting married to you at this moment.

I think he is insecure for the following reasons

1. You were with someone else during the break or breakup (which ever was the case)

2 The Stereotype that lady bankers are promiscious

3 The distance between the two of you

My advice to you is that you should not be afraid to talk to him about the above and let him know that you have been entirely faithful to him since your reunion(I assume you are). Tell him that if truely he's having a cold feet about the marriage he should not feel bad to let you know. Tell him his happiness is very important to you and that you can still be good friends rather than be an unhappy couple. Basically talk in a way that will take the pressure off him.  If the guy is serious, he'll commit himself if otherwise he'll be happy that you relieved him of the burden

What you should not allow is being strung along without a specific plan. You might want to double check that there is no other lady in his life too

In whatever you decide to do,  listen to your heart.

The last thing to do in situations like this is,listen to your heart. The heart is too weak to function right now.

You don't work with your heart , you work with your head and/or brain.

@poster my gut tells me your boyfriend has an ace up his sleeve. 8 years is enough for the 2 of you to decide if you are compatible for marriage or not.

Talk to him one more time and let him know that you are convince he is your man but unfortunately you have to give him space since he is not sure if he wants to marry you or not despite all the years of courtship.

I will advise you give him an holiday; don't call him, don't visit, break communication with him. If within a month he is not looking for you in order to commence marriage plan but just want your relationship to continue on the old note with no commitment then take it from me he doesn't care enough. You will be better off without him; you are still young enough to commence another serious relationship.

My people say in Yoruba "ti a ba fi ogun odun pile were igba wo ni were to fe sin win". If you spent 20 years planning how to make someone mad how long will the mad man use in practising the madness?

jennykadry:

The last thing to do in situations like this is,listen to your heart. The heart is too weak to function right now.

You don't work with your heart , you work with your head and/or brain.

I could never have put it like this but the above is exactly how i would hve loved to put it,

Sisi a man knows within a year if he would marry you, honestly with 4months a man knows if he can marry you,

PLSSSSS follow jennykadry's advise equip yourself with books on relationship e.g the rules for dating , act like a lady think like a man, No one will waste your time but be ready to walk away if it looks like it,

You are priceless and he should be begging for your hand,

If only women knew how wonderfully and superbly made they are by God, they would walk with their heads held high and see themselves as priceless jewels that no man can toy with. No woman should represent anything less than that.

jennykadry:

If only women knew how wonderfully and superbly made they are by God, they would walk with their heads held high and see themselves as priceless jewels that no man can toy with. No woman should represent anything less than that.

Hmm. Preach it!!!!!

@Jenny, am aware he had a relationship within the 5 years, I meant that I believed when he said he doesn't have any relationship at the moment. Am not there to see things for myself, we can only build the relationship on trust you know. Unfortunately I tried to secure US visa but was denied.

Be rest assured that am a lady with sense of worth who only want to critically assess the situation before taking a decision. I didn't want to take hasty or rash decision which might be figuratively throwing away the baby with the bath water, which is why am sampling opinion here.

Thank you all for the adviice so far and be assured that with God on my side, I will conquer the situation.

cutiebabe:

Be rest assured that am a lady with sense of worth who only want to critically assess the situation before taking a decision. I didn't want to take hasty or rash decision which might be figuratively throwing away the baby with the bath water,  which is why am sampling opinion here.

And it is taking you 8 years to do this? it is taking you 8 yrs to make a decision? How many more years to go?

God be with you.

@ op: move on.

jennykadry:

If only women knew how wonderfully and superbly made they are by God, they would walk with their heads held high and see themselves as priceless jewels that no man can toy with. No woman should represent anything less than that.

Ok !
This could not have been said any better: HIGH VALUE WOMEN , and this is not about your education or your bank account its simply self esteem and confidence, love of yourself. A Genuine sense of Value, Like everything else it can be learnt .

@ Op trust me there are many men out there who wake up and pray for a good woman but you gasto believe in abundance of the Almighty to bring you your perfect man , bear in mind he is also looking for you.

obowunmi:

@ op: move on.

+1

There you have the answer to all of this. Never lower your expectations when it comes to relationships, there are other attractive and confident men who you can have a fulfilling relationship with. The guy you described appears insecure and not ready to commit to marriage and unless you are desperate and helpless you don't have to be with him.

@cutiebabe

Look don't let the feminazi's here fool you. If you love the man stick with him and work on him. This is what a REAL NIGERIAN GIRL thinks :

afrobaby:

You think it is not worth thanking God I am now Mrs when some ladies at over 30 are still begging , fasting and praying to God to get a husband,

[size=22pt]DO NOT BE FOOLED[/size]

afrobaby:

August 20th mark the beginning of a new chapter of my life,as I finally said yes to my hearthrob, now I can boldly talk about family issue and join the married club

This is the last place you should come to when you are 30 years old and you are having issues with your man who is in a foreign land and you are not sure he is gonna marry you.
I bet you are already confused.The cabal here will only put you in a matrix of confusion.
You need to find a way to see your guy one on one and talk things over.
There appears to be a lot of distrust between the two of you.
What does it matter if you bought a phone ?Or if you secured a visa?
Thank God you guys are not yet married but there is need for serious talking and soul searching,for the two of you.
Goodluck!