cheetah@02:

Hi guys

I am not new to this forum, i have been a member here and i know a lot of you guys know me especially in the politics forum. I just had to register a new ID because of the sensitive nature of this predicament i have found myself in.

After my university education, i fell in love with a lady and married her. That relationship brought about a male child before the whole thing crumbled. I discovered that my wife was sleeping with my uncle even before we got married.

After that, i met a widow with 2kids, the realtionship bblossomed and we did some traditional engagements stuff and viola we were traditionally married. This was about 8years ago. Now i have been loyal to her, training the kids and all worth not, but this marriage has not been able to give me children of my own. my wife claims that she had her kids through CS and as such it would be dangerous to concieve again.
I have spoken to my wife on several occassions, appealled to her conscience so that she would give it a trial, all to no avail. I even suggested that we get a surrogate mother to carry our child but she keeps saying Gods time is the best. we have even spent close to 15Million for IVF procedures all to no avail.

I have had to open up to family and friends because of this, and her excuse is not going down well with them neither does it go down well with me. FYI, i respect my wife a lot, cos i wouldnt have been where i am if not for her.

Now i am in love again with a woman who is willing to love me. I want to get legally married to her.

Now there are some issues i need to deal with?
1. This lady feels i just want to marry her because i want kids- How do i convince otherwise
2. Am i really on the right track?
3. how do i let my present wife into this whole arrangement without hurting her feelings
4. there are so many issues i just cant say here, i just need you ppeople to sincerely advise me withour hurting my feelings

PS- pls no childish responses and no judgemental responses.

Thank you

Errm. . . Sir! I'm more of a realist when it comes to issues like this! You asked people to sincerely advise you, and then you ask for them not to be Judgmental! That means, you are invariably asking every comment on this thread to be for you and not against you! That is just NOT possible! Therefore, i aint saying Anything! If you want sincere responses, you should have asked for constructive criticism from commenter's, so that you know where you have gone wrong too! That said, believe me also when i say, that the FAMILY SECTION would offer more pinpointed and straightforward answers, than the Romance section! You may want to post this there! Cheerz!

armyofone:

OP,
you have 3 children already what do you want again? even if you are not the biological dad to the 2, i'm sure they spend sometime at your place if not all the time. Life is not all about bringing in kids into this world. Please spend your time making money, giving back to your community, vacationing, travel around Nigeria, volunteer in your community, join the military etc. there is so much to this world than one more sper.m fertilizing an egg.

armyofone:

OP,
you have 3 children already what do you want again? even if you are not the biological dad to the 2, i'm sure they spend sometime at your place if not all the time. Life is not all about bringing in kids into this world. Please spend your time making money, giving back to your community, vacationing, travel around Nigeria, volunteer in your community, [b]join the military [/b]etc. there is so much to this world than one more sper.m fertilizing an egg.

parisienne:

@OP, so do you want a divorce? Or you want this girl to be your second wife?

The even distribution you are talking about, can you seee why she did it that way? Because she knows what men are made of. With all she has done for you she still suspected one day it won't be enough for you. BTW that day has come. I'm not justifying her actions tho.
Besides, how can it b equal when their father must have given her the moneyy used to set you up? I'm suspecting that's how she sees it . Your kid came into the picture 3yrs ago and her lkids don t bare you name. Work hard and give your son what you want to give him.
Anyway, you have to sit down and explain to your wife your feelings don't go behing her back. Be a man about it.

But those kids of hers will be very disapointed, its sad but I guesss your puting urself and your future first. But u won't b a lonely old man, cos u have a son and your wifes kids c u as a father and their father is dead and your wife is there.

Think well oh! This 1 wey u wan marry, how do you know she won't change?

Now there are some issues i need to deal with?
1. This lady feels i just want to marry her because i want kids- How do i convince otherwise
2. Am i really on the right track?
3. how do i let my present wife into this whole arrangement without hurting her feelings
4. there are so many issues i just cant say here, i just need you ppeople to sincerely advise me withour hurting my feelings

PS- pls no childish responses and no judgemental responses.

Thank you

lastpage:

Here we go again!
From everything l have read so far and your clarifications concerning "your needs and your marital affairs", l will make some summary!

Now,l got to be brutal about these; many women would not fancy my position but they are all entitled to theirs as well.

Need: Your own biological child. End of story.
From your submissions, you dont need a wife in the actual sense. Your wife #2 may come across as selfish but that is human nature: Humans are selfish by nature! Simples!!

For me, what your wife does is actually not totally within your control, thats a bitter fact of life nowadays! If you marry her for the next 30yrs and she does not want to bear children for you (for whatever reason, which l think she should have been able to convince you of, in 8yrs!) SHE WOULD NOT EVEN GET PREGNANT, how much more bearing a child!

So, whats YOUR OPTION(S)?:
1.)Would your wife change her mind? After 8yrs, l dont think so. Infact, forget it, you cant have a child by her!

2.) Wife #3? A dangerous possibility but then "you're falling in-love with her" and men are stewpid when they fall in love; they cant think rationally and like someone pointed out, what if She wont/cant bear you kids nko?
What will you do? Wifey #4? Naaah, stop hopping around man, you no be Grasshopper now, abi?

3.) My suggestion: Since l am convinced that what you need is your own biological children, IMPREGNATE A WOMAN (any sane woman) and LET HER DELIVER THE CHILD FIRST and FOREMOST. Dont give yourself out again on this one o! Rein-in your emotions.
Check me out properly o!

a.) I did not say marry a woman or the woman (dont complicate your situation with further marriages right now.)
b.) I mean just "impregnate any fertile woman" (adult and of-age, of-course! ). Support her till baby is delivered.
Then ask yourself and herself, if marriage is for both of you afterwards!

Advantages:
1.) You will have solved your biggest headache.
2.) You could still keep your "wife #2", (if you still want her or if she still wants you; Thank God its not a legal marriage, she for show you pepper! ).
3.) The new "mother of baby" might even decide she does not want to marry you or just wants to be paid-off (like surrogacy)
4.) You can shop-around for a wife #3 then (if thats your wish), without the pressure of "l want a child", maybe just for pure love and bliss!
5.) At times, one cannot get all we want in a "single product".
(I like Volvo cars for strength but l like Toyota for fuel efficiency and l like the ruggedness of Mercedes cars but can l get all these attributes in one car? Dont think so! So, l buy a Volvo first and sell it later, buy Mercedes next and sell  it later and now that fuel is getting costly, maybe its time to get a Toyota! ). Since wifey #2 cant give you your won biological kids, get it elsewhere and she can remain if she wants or since she is not even "your real wife" (women consider the first wife, the real wife, right?), she can go back to her being a widow.
(Who the heck came-up with the car-analogy on this thread! )

But please, be careful in jumping into another "marriage".  It can cause you a lot of grief!
Marriage should be off-limits for you. You can have a child without being married (White peeps call it "partner" or "cohabiting", No strings attached!

Remember the saying: When disaster comes, it does not come singly! They come in droves!
You have a 90% probability of making another mistake, as per marrying another wife!
In your position, your judgement about marriage is just no longer reliable (it is beclouded by your "need" and you will likely make another fatal error unless you sort out that "biological need" first.

See why l say its not going to be "ice-cream, lovey-dovey" stuff? Brutal stuff!!

Lastpage.

BTW: Be careful, if this "possible wife #3" knows you're desperate for a child, you're finished! That your "weakness" would be used against you, all the remaining days of your life and it wont be amusing at all.
I pray that you will use wisdom, even from above.
Cheers.

cheetah@02:

I appreaciate all the responses.

Now, let me clarify things here.

First, I divorced the first woman legally. Her affairs with my uncle was not based on hear say. Till date, my uncle has not even called to say anything about that. Secondly, the child from that marriage is mine, and yes he is with me( though the mum had custody till about 3years ago)

Secondly, my present woman as she said has actually had 4 pregnancoes that resulted to CS ( two were still born) while the remaining two are with us. So ideally, I have 3kids. Yes her kids (our kids) call me daddy, I am the father they know, but they arer not mine. They don't bear my name. I need children of my own, even if its only two. God knows I wouldn't mind having children with this my wife if only she agrees, but then she is proving difficult. I can't continue this way. Who says she can't get pregnant and give birth normally. I believe there is something that is being hidden from me. I have asked- why the IVF if the problem is just putting to bed via CS. No one seems to be forth coming. The doctors aren't helping issues. I feel she has had her womb tied before loosing her first hubby and she is hiding it away from me. Doctors in the house should please come to my rescue.

Yes I wouldn't have been where I am if not for her. But I recently found out that there is a margilization, her kids are being treated with affluence while mine is expexted to manage. All her documents are in the name of her kids, while mine is evenly distributed. That is selfish and I feel used

I want to have a proper marriage with his lady I met, she loves me but she is scared. I want children I can raise as a complete family. Children who will bear my name. Her kids will leave me one day and I don't want to die a. Lonely old man