₦airaland Forum

@Lastpage, sorry I've been a little down, so I haven't been able to send you that email. I have been popping in and out of Nairaland whenever I turn on my phones. I love that Steve Jobs quote you inserted- very inspiring.

I must confess- you have given me the strenght to take a decision. I have found my heart and I will follow it. I don't want to have stroke. I was with my doctor (whom I still believe is lastpage or his replica) - he said my BP was 175/98. Apart from that, my body especially my hands were visibly shaking to the extent that I found it difficult to pick up a pen from the table. I am now on medication, but the things he said to me made me think I had seen last page.

Guys, I have decided I want to live. Its not worth dying for. And I'm going to live happily. I should be taking a break away from home, away from the hustling and bustling of the city, even if its Ghana, I will go.

I don't want to die now and I won't.

Once again, thank y'all. I am officially logging out now as cheetah.

Lastpage - you are a great man, tho you are denying that you are the doctor I met yestetday

A Deep quote there from lastpage.

Good luck in your pursuit of happiness Cheetah, my desire is that you find it.

.

>>@Sisi_Kill
Naaah, stop being petty!
He does not need my go-ahead to remain or leave his marriage (if what he has NOW, according to his story, can be called that).
The "Choice and decisions" are still 'his', to make.

You know, l wonder what YOU would have told him, if you were his MOTHER?
More like "your suffer-head just start, na dea you go die"!
Lets pray one of your own SON or Brother would experience the same thing (and we can then judge your "honesty of intentions" by your response)!

Again, you dont need to be a "Doctor", to know that Panadol is a cure for "Headache"! Except of-course, if you're very dumb!

All that shyte about "personal experience" is just an excuse for you to deflect your real thoughts (Maybe you're one of those who derive enjoyment from seeing others suffer?)

Yea, l feel compassion for people who suffer and l dont give a hoot about what peeps like you (who dont) think!

Lastpage.


BTW: I thought you would have gained more (and focused more) on the speech given by Steve Job?
Or were you so wind-up by my "position on this issue" that you did not even bother to "read the main thing"?
Okay, l agree, not everyone has the mental capacity to decipher the lessons from that speech.
Oya, carry-go, Husband-beater!

@Chaircover.
Thanks very much for your last post.
Very thought provoking and done with honesty.
I agree with you  on a lot of things there, especially that part that says "Happiness comes form God".
I stated that earlier in one of my first post on this topic. "Wo/Man happiness should not be predicated on another Wo/Man". We are all infallible humans.
Only a personal relationship with God can guarantee you fulfillment and (or) happiness.

Having said that, there are times when we not only need "To Pray" but we also need to "Work" so that we can get "Work and Pray"!

In essence, these are periods of life when "Practicality" is needed.
You can pray to God for food and sustenance but if l sits on my fat bum all day long,  "Heaven WILL ONLY HELP those who help themselves"!

Your suggestion caters for "his emotional well-being" and that is good.
Right now, what does he need to do, to take care of his "Physical Well-being"?

Remember that we dont all have the same "capacity to deal with stress"!
What would "kill me" might just be a "joy-ride" for another person!

Assuming a woman marries a man who constantly beats her and strips her of her dignity, am l to play the Ostrich and hypocrite by telling her to continue to beg him (even after she had tried to beg him and has asked "elders" to beg him)?!

Would l offend God if l ask her to "stay-away" for some time, hoping the psychopath will get his senses back?
Would l be wrong if he does not change his ways and Madam (assuming she is just 29yrs and has no children) wants to find fulfillment in life by wanting to divorce the "weere" and find love elsewhere?

This is the "PRACTICALITY" of Life!
Or should l then use a different "Yardstick" now because "a man" is at the receiving end?

No one wants to "bell the Cat" as it is safer to "play ostrich". (Am not in anyway referring to you Maam)

Unfortunately, that is not my own nature (it has put me in trouble a few  times sha ), l am so outspoken but l say what l think is right and am very responsible to my conscience, always.

Please do have a great day.


Lastpage.


BTW: And "Cheetah02", take it easy, for everybody's sake.
I am not your Doctor 'cos we are thousands of miles away from each other, even if you be winch, you couldn't have seen me in person!
God will strengthen you and give you wisdom.

lastpage:
>>@Sisi_Kill
Naaah, stop being petty!
He does not need my go-ahead to remain or leave his marriage (if what he has NOW, according to his story, can be called that).
The "Choice and decisions" are still 'his', to make.

You know, l wonder what YOU would have told him, if you were his MOTHER?
More like "your suffer-head just start, na dea you go die"!
Lets pray one of your own SON or Brother would experience the same thing (and we can then judge your "honesty of intentions" by your response)!

Again, you dont need to be a "Doctor", to know that Panadol is a cure for "Headache"! Except of-course, if you're very dumb!

All that shyte about "personal experience" is just an excuse for you to deflect your real thoughts (Maybe you're one of those who derive enjoyment from seeing others suffer?)

Yea, l feel compassion for people who suffer and l dont give a hoot about what peeps like you (who dont) think!

Lastpage.


BTW: I thought you would have gained more (and focused more) on the speech given by Steve Job?
Or were you so wind-up by my "position on this issue" that you did not even bother to "read the main thing"?
Okay, l agree, not everyone has the mental capacity to decipher the lessons from that speech.
Oya, carry-go, Husband-beater!

Whoa! I'm flattered! All of that for my innocuous two sentence? Jeeeedus and I thought I was the story writer!!

Dude, relax yourself, ain't nobody after you. . . at least not the lastpage you, if you know what I mean. So stop getting worked, it's not good for the heart.

Anyhoo, I hope to see you on the next "I'm tired of my marriage, I want out NOW" thread opened by a woman. . . that's if you aren't too busy dealing with "personal stuff"

Until then. . .Carry go ojare!!!

lastpage:
@Chaircover.
Thanks very much for your last post.
Very thought provoking and done with honesty.
I agree with you  on a lot of things there, especially that part that says "Happiness comes form God".
I stated that earlier in one of my first post on this topic. "Wo/Man happiness should not be predicated on another Wo/Man". We are all infallible humans.
Only a personal relationship with God can guarantee you fulfillment and (or) happiness.

Having said that, there are times when we not only need "To Pray" but we also need to "Work" so that we can get "Work and Pray"!

In essence, these are periods of life when "Practicality" is needed.
You can pray to God for food and sustenance but if l sits on my fat bum all day long,  "Heaven WILL ONLY HELP those who help themselves"!

Your suggestion caters for "his emotional well-being" and that is good.
Right now, what does he need to do, to take care of his "Physical Well-being"?

Remember that we dont all have the same "capacity to deal with stress"!
What would "kill me" might just be a "joy-ride" for another person!

Assuming a woman marries a man who constantly beats her and strips her of her dignity, am l to play the Ostrich and hypocrite by telling her to continue to beg him (even after she had tried to beg him and has asked "elders" to beg him)?!

Would l offend God if l ask her to "stay-away" for some time, hoping the psychopath will get his senses back?
Would l be wrong if he does not change his ways and Madam (assuming she is just 29yrs and has no children) wants to find fulfillment in life by wanting to divorce the "weere" and find love elsewhere?

This is the "PRACTICALITY" of Life!
Or should l then use a different "Yardstick" now because "a man" is at the receiving end?

No one wants to "bell the Cat" as it is safer to "play ostrich". (Am not in anyway referring to you Maam)

Unfortunately, that is not my own nature (it has put me in trouble a few  times sha ), l am so outspoken but l say what l think is right and am very responsible to my conscience, always.

Please do have a great day.


Lastpage.


BTW: And "Cheetah02", take it easy, for everybody's sake.
I am not your Doctor 'cos we are thousands of miles away from each other, even if you be winch, you couldn't have seen me in person!
God will strengthen you and give you wisdom.

I dont know, but advising someone to do things you will not do in your personal life is . Will you put your hand inside a burning flame? So why ask him to go and have a baby mama. This was your first advice before you changed positions. That he should have a baby mama while married. Will you want yourself or your daughter in that situation?

@2much
I believe this is the "response" (my first one) you're referring to. I am quoting it here verbatim because l think you may have misunderstood me (Mind you, it costs me nothing to just ignore your post! No 'disrespect' in anyway. Am only doing this to set the records straight 'cos "a life" is involved.)

@Lastpage

Here we go again! Grin
From everything l have read so far and your clarifications concerning "your needs and your marital affairs", l will make some summary!

Now,l got to be brutal about these; many women would not fancy my position but they are all entitled to theirs as well. Wink

Need: Your own biological child. End of story.
From your submissions, you dont need a wife in the actual sense. Your wife #2 may come across as selfish but that is human nature: Humans are selfish by nature! Simples!!

For me, what your wife does is actually not totally within your control, thats a bitter fact of life nowadays! If you marry her for the next 30yrs and she does not want to bear children for you (for whatever reason, which l think she should have been able to convince you of, in 8yrs!) SHE WOULD NOT EVEN GET PREGNANT, how much more bearing a child!

So, whats YOUR OPTION(S)?:
1.)Would your wife change her mind? After 8yrs, l dont think so. Infact, forget it, you cant have a child by her!

2.) Wife #3? A dangerous possibility but then "you're falling in-love with her" and men are stewpid when they fall in love; they cant think rationally and like someone pointed out, what if She wont/cant bear you kids nko?
What will you do? Wifey #4? Naaah, stop hopping around man, you no be Grasshopper now, abi?

3.) My suggestion: Since l am convinced that what you need is your own biological children, IMPREGNATE A WOMAN (any sane woman) and LET HER DELIVER THE CHILD FIRST and FOREMOST. Dont give yourself out again on this one o! Rein-in your emotions.
Check me out properly o!

a.) I did not say marry a woman or the woman (dont complicate your situation with further marriages right now.)
b.) I mean just "impregnate any fertile woman" (adult and of-age, of-course! Grin ). Support her till baby is delivered.
Then ask yourself and herself, if marriage is for both of you afterwards!

Advantages:
1.) You will have solved your biggest headache.
2.) You could still keep your "wife #2", (if you still want her or if she still wants you; Thank God its not a legal marriage, she for show you pepper! Grin).
3.) The new "mother of baby" might even decide she does not want to marry you or just wants to be paid-off (like surrogacy)
4.) You can shop-around for a wife #3 then (if thats your wish), without the pressure of "l want a child", maybe just for pure love and bliss!
5.) At times, one cannot get all we want in a "single product".
(I like Volvo cars for strength but l like Toyota for fuel efficiency and l like the ruggedness of Mercedes cars but can l get all these attributes in one car? Dont think so! So, l buy a Volvo first and sell it later, buy Mercedes next and sell  it later and now that fuel is getting costly, maybe its time to get a Toyota! Wink ). Since wifey #2 cant give you your won biological kids, get it elsewhere and she can remain if she wants or since she is not even "your real wife" (women consider the first wife, the real wife, right?), she can go back to her being a widow.
(Who the heck came-up with the car-analogy on this thread! Shocked Shocked )

But please, be careful in jumping into another "marriage".  It can cause you a lot of grief!
Marriage should be off-limits for you. You can have a child without being married (White peeps call it "partner" or "cohabiting", No strings attached! Wink

Remember the saying: When disaster comes, it does not come singly! They come in droves!
You have a 90% probability of making another mistake, as per marrying another wife!
In your position, your judgement about marriage is just no longer reliable (it is beclouded by your "need" and you will likely make another fatal error unless you sort out that "biological need" first.

See why l say its not going to be "ice-cream, lovey-dovey" stuff? Brutal stuff!! Grin Grin Wink

Lastpage.

BTW: Be careful, if this "possible wife #3" knows you're desperate for a child, you're finished! That your "weakness" would be used against you, all the remaining days of your life and it wont be amusing at all.
I pray that you will use wisdom, even from above.
Cheers.

I have "bolded" specific areas that l want to draw your attention to:

Now,

1.) you will notice that l used the phrase "Your Options": This means "more than one possibilities". He is free to decide what he wants to do or which of these "options" he wants to take. He has his freedom of choice, depending on his feelings. Dont just focus on "one of the options". It sounds more like trying to give a dog a bad name, so you can hang it! I keep using the word "if", to show that nothing is "absolute" inmy statements, he himslef has to decide what he think is best for him.

2.) Notice again, that l was able to "locate and localized" his actual need (even before he came out with more detailed stories!). I am not a person to give someone "Epson Salt or Gentamycin" for headache! I will give "Panadol or Phensic"  to myself and to others.
If his actual pain was not having a "biological child from his marriage" (marital problems between him and Madam are secondary and can be resolved with determination) and Madam is either "unwilling or incapable" of fulfilling that "core-need" of his, what other options does he have apart from those l itemised above?

3.)Again, notice that l also "kept the door open" for him and Madam to still be together, while fulfilling his need (l have seen women who, for the love of family, agreed to surrogacy, adoption, ivf, e.t.c jut to ensure they keep their family intact while fulfilling that "human need" to procreate directly!). Where there is love, no sacrifice is too great! He does not have to do away with Madam as long as she is not the "either me or nothing" type!

4.) I now made a suggestion (that is, my own position or what l would do, if in his shoes): If everything fails, impregnate a woman and father a child. Now, l also listed the "advantages" of that move in my post.

I have added the "Steve Jobs" story to the whole thing to show that at times, "we make decisions, the consequence of which we dont know. At times, we fail to make decisions which, if we knew the out come before hand, we would have made such decisions pronto!.
FOLLOW YOUR HEART, IS VERY APT HERE!

*Will l do the same thing "if l find myself in his position"? YOU BET I WOULD.
*Would so many other do the same thing? YOU BET THEY WOULD!

Its just a way of making the best out of an  already "bad situation".
Why should a brother develop stroke over this? Would he be useful to anybody if  (God forbid), he passes on, over his predicament?
"Do unto others as you would expect to be done unto". I live and die by those rule, anyday. End of story.

Cheers

Lastpage.

Not everybody would agree with my position, some would agree but would not say so, or say so "publicly"! (diplomacy, they call it, l call it hypocrisy! )

So, whats YOUR OPTION(S)?:
1.)Would your wife change her mind? After 8yrs, l dont think so. Infact, forget it, you cant have a child by her!

2.) Wife #3? A dangerous possibility but then "you're falling in-love with her" and men are stewpid when they fall in love; they cant think rationally and like someone pointed out, what if She wont/cant bear you kids nko?
What will you do? Wifey #4? Naaah, stop hopping around man, you no be Grasshopper now, abi?

3.) [size=16pt]My suggestion: Since l am convinced that what you need is your own biological children, IMPREGNATE A WOMAN (any sane woman) and LET HER DELIVER THE CHILD FIRST and FOREMOST. Dont give yourself out again on this one o! Rein-in your emotions.
Check me out properly o![/size]

[size=16pt]a.) I did not say marry a woman or the woman (dont complicate your situation with further marriages right now.)
b.) I mean just "impregnate any fertile woman" (adult and of-age, of-course! Grin ). Support her till baby is delivered.
Then ask yourself and herself, if marriage is for both of you afterwards![/size]

[size=16pt]Advantages:[/size]
1.) You will have solved your biggest headache.
2.) You could still keep your "wife #2", (if you still want her or if she still wants you; Thank God its not a legal marriage, she for show you pepper! Grin).
3.)[size=16pt] The new "mother of baby"[/size] might even decide she does not want to marry you or just wants to be paid-off (like surrogacy)
4.) You can shop-around for a wife #3 then (if thats your wish), without the pressure of "l want a child", maybe just for pure love and bliss!
5.) [size=16pt]At times, one cannot get all we want in a "single product".[/size]
(I like Volvo cars for strength but l like Toyota for fuel efficiency and l like the ruggedness of Mercedes cars but can l get all these attributes in one car? Dont think so! So, l buy a Volvo first and sell it later, buy Mercedes next and sell  it later and now that fuel is getting costly, maybe its time to get a Toyota! Wink ). Since wifey #2 cant give you your won biological kids, [size=16pt]get it elsewhere and she can remain if she wants or since she is not even "your real wife" (women consider the first wife, the real wife, right?), she can go back to her being a widow[/size].
(Who the heck came-up with the car-analogy on this thread! Shocked Shocked )

But please, be careful in jumping into another "marriage".  It can cause you a lot of grief!
[size=16pt]Marriage should be off-limits for you. You can have a child without being married (White peeps call it "partner" or "cohabiting", No strings attached! Wink[/size]

Remember the saying: When disaster comes, it does not come singly! They come in droves!
You have a 90% probability of making another mistake, as per marrying another wife!
[size=16pt]In your position, your judgement about marriage is just no longer reliable (it is beclouded by your "need" and you will likely make another fatal error unless you sort out that "biological need" first.[/size]

See why l say its not going to be "ice-cream, lovey-dovey" stuff? Brutal stuff!! Grin Grin Wink

Lastpage.

BTW: Be careful, if this "possible wife #3" knows you're desperate for a child, you're finished! That your "weakness" would be used against you, all the remaining days of your life and it wont be amusing at all.
I pray that you will use wisdom, even from above.
Cheers.

You should have ignored the post. Because this is very shady advice. Once again, is this an advice you can apply in your personal life? This post is filled with what i accused you of, i did not pick certain parts. i have highlighted your advice and it seems to fill out the whole quote. If it is something you can do, fair enough. Otherwise . And she is his real wife, customary marriages are recognized just in case you do not know.

^^^^Okay.

Each man to his Tenth.

Nuff said, l've got nothing more to add.

One thing you cant fault in all l said is that "its full of facts", realistic facts!

Thanks for your opinion, Nice day to you.

Lastpage.

lastpage:
^^^^Now l can see that "you're drifting"!

"Getting Married" has NOTHING TO DO with proper upbringing of children!
How cant you get that? So Simples!

"Marriage" itself is just a "formalization" of "the co-habitation" between couples!
Whether they formalize it or NOT, as long as they live together as husband and wife, it is perfectly legitimate to "raise children" and how those children turn-out, has NOTHING to do with such formalization or not.

We have seen children of "married peeps", turn out bad; ditto children of unmarried peeps!
We have seen children of married peeps, turn out GOOD; ditto children of unmarried peeps!

Either way, "getting married or not" is not a parameter to raising "good children"


That is the point you need to understand
.,.,. and enough of your drifting around please!

chaircover:
The long term peace and happiness that this poster is looking for will NOT be found by the way that he is pursuing this. You don’t solve a problem by creating another problem. Yes he will most probably get a baby from his new girlfriend and then what next? Will it be a lived happily ever after Mills and Boon ending for him and his biological and non biological kids? (lets even leave the wife out of things for now)

What some people are proposing here is just a short term solution. ALL marriages go through ups and downs and ALL marriages go through rough patches. Many have hastily left marriages only to regret months or years later. There is a lot wrong in this mans marriage because it was built on lies , but things just don’t suddenly go pear shaped in marriages and people are very quick to claim the aggrieved party but if one does look deep into things one would find that they both have different degrees of fault in the problem.

The posters blood pressure is high and I acknowledge the fact that he is very unhappy, which is very sad & I honestly do feel for him but if he is looking for a long term solution, then he needs to take time out and think very carefully & very prayerfully work out the next step. Hasty decisions are rarely the beat solutions.

Chaircover has said it all here. 

At the end of the day the knee jerk solution you've suggested will not resolve anything.  It's not about married versus unmarried parenting, but the fact that the poster is in a messy situation and is looking to make a hasty decision - hasty decisions of this significance rarely turn out well. And having a child with a third party without resolving his current domestic situation is not a good environment to bring a child into.  If he's got high blood pressure now, it definitely won't improve if he followed your original advice.

I'm glad he's decided to exercise some wisdom and distance  himself from the current situation to get peace of mind.  It is only then that he can make better, more informed decisions.

@OP,while you sojourn to Accra or wherever in search of peace please sheath and package your TJ well.The last thing you need now is woman no 4 or baby no 6.

I'm familiar with the story. . .she was different,offered me a shoulder and a listening ear,we fell in love,did it once,she's the best thing that ever happened to me,bla bla bla.

I don't know why you have to run from the devil you created but anyhoo,keep your thing and fragile mind(lol) in check as you voyage.

^^^^^^^ LOL,