A true life story happened in my area last week. A married man who have lived 8 years without a child was found out to have fathered 3 kids with a secret lover whom he maintains in a nearby town. Wifey knows nothing about this and the story came to the suface when one of the kids died and the family of this second woman stormed the mans compound demanding to be shown a spot to bury the child.

His church threw him out of the church and the man has been complaining. Is this completely wrong? Should we be blaming this man or condemning his actions entirely in the light of his recent 'blessings'.

Comments are welcome.

It is not a new thing.Seen it happens lots of times especially with men whose wife's fail to conceive in time.In fact it is a popular school of thought in Africa that once the outside wife gets pregnant the real wife at home might get pregnant too.
Any one who knows me on these threads knows I always warn women of the dangers of placing absolute trust in their men,but because most of them are in denial,they always fail to understand that I am actually on their side.
Feminists always attack the messenger instead of accepting the message.

^^^ that point of putting absolute trust on the man is not really relative in this case, fact is the guy must have been under too much pressure because of the childless situation. I know this man and yet I don't want to take sides with him. But I appreciate the fact that he didn't throw out the first wife before trying his luck outside. Till now the first wife is still living with him. She must be feeling very bad, poor woman. May god grant her her own child.

^^^
What am saying is most men give birth out of wedlock with the hope that it will open the womb of the wife at home-am not saying it is right but it is a common belief! Women need to open their eyes more and trust their men less,and stop living in denial-I always warn that if it can happen to your neighbour,it can happen to you!

is that story saying "indirectly" that his wife was infertile (barren)?!
if that's the case then i will understand why the guy did it, since Nigerians put so much weight on having children to show their "status"!!!

,

Thank you chaircover, the thing that surprised me most is the lenght of time it took everyone to find out. You could never have seen it in the behaviour of the man and his first wife, we all thought all was well. If not for this dead child, maybe we may have found out when one of the children wants to wed!

.

chaircover:

This has nothing to do with trust.[i][/i] It comes boils down to which side of the partnership has the infertility problems. I am sure that we have all heard of women who bring home other men’s children the on advise of their friends and in some cases even their own families just to check whether its them or the husband that has the medical problems.

As MBJ said, in our culture, we place a lot of importance on children and so people are “pushed” to do the unthinkable. It’s just that in most cases, it’s the woman that comes out worse off and when a man is infertile, its his fathers second wive who did juju to ruin his life, but when an woman is infertile its because she has lived a rough life and carried out series of abortions. Even fellow women who have done worse will come out and abuse her.

What intrigues me is the length some people can go to cover things up and what kind of lives they choose to live. In this situation the “wife” outside has no access to her husband when she wants, the father doesn’t live with his children; who knows the one that died may not have died if the father had been there, the man has to lie each time he wants to go and see his other family, he is maintaining two homes financially, he won’t want to be seen with the second wife just in case someone goes to tell wife number one so he is living a cloak and dagger life. It won’t surprise me if he has HBP and he is probably releved that it is all out in the open.

@The bolded,
Did the woman trust her husband?
Did the man betray the trust?
Happens all the time,
Woman loves man but can not get pregnant-Man claims he loves her and will stick by her no matter what-However there is a limit to how long he can hold out before he fails prey to pressure to take a mistress outside and father kids out of wedlock.
I can bet my last coin that lots of people knew this man had THREE children out of wedlock,at least some people must have gone with him to the christening of these children.Some people must have gone with him to the registration of these children in schools-So who is the last person to know?-THE POOR TRUSTING WIFE!
I rest my case.
PEACE!!!

.

I felt sorry for the woman! one of my closest relation did the same to his wife.Though, it happened before marrying his wife. But this case, the wife is so troublesome and won't like to see the husband relations. At the end, when she knew, she blamed herself. Truly speaking, in such situation, pressure from family do happen. Especially when the wife is not accommodating. Notwithstanding, the man should not have bowed to such pressure but whatabout the wife characters?

You have forgotten that even some women bring in bastards to their homes.

I will advice the wife to forgive the husband, and ask him what he really wants. She should allow him to speak his mind and thereafter she can plan what to do next.

chaircover:

Richy I won’t say all, but most women from our part of the world battling with infertility will have a niggly worry at the back of their mind that husband may go off and get another girl pregnant due to pressure from his side of the family etc.

I am not quite sure where you are taking this argument to, but yes I agree sometimes the wife at home is the last to know, but that is not to say that she trusted her husband from the get go; its just that he hasn’t been careless enough to get caught before now.

Madam CC,
Mrs Wifey is the last person to know Mr Hubby is/has cheated on her.
This is because she trusted her husband 100%.
I am the voice of reason on the family forum even thoughpeople dislike what I post,because what I post is what married women think and know in their minds,but are afraid to voice out-That 99.9% of married men are cheating on their wives in one way or the other!
Not my thread so there is a limit to what I will say,but CC,you know what I am saying is the truth even if you refuse to accept it,for reasons best known to you.
Not careless enough to get caught after THREE kids? People knew about this isssh but decided not to tell the wife-The kids were born,named,sent to school,sent to hospitals,etc and NO ONE TOLD MRS WIFEY?
My dear,I rest my case,if you do not know where I am going because you decided to be in denial.
PEACE!!!

.

@ Richv, in this case of this family, nobody knew anything. I live in this neighborhood with my wife and all our friends and everyone was as shocked as each other. The news came out of nowhere, remember I told us this second woman was living in a rented room in another town, so the man perfected his double life. I guess the second woman knows about the first but the first don't know the second before.
On men being cheating machines, programmed to cheat by default, well I don't know where you got that fact from and don't want to argue with your stats. But remember this, most men that cheat are because the wife treats them bad. Not in this case anyway, this man did what he did because he wanted to cling to the African man desire to father a child, anyone here who fails to do that is termed a failure, but I don't want us to argue on whether he was right or wrong, I want all those that have children here to desist from condemning this man, let us hear fro those that are not married or married and still expecting, as a man, can you live through life knowing you can father a child but hold yourself if you find the fault is from the wifey, will you divorce her first? Will you help her concieve if its possible?
Let's hear from those that have worn the shoe, where does it pinch?

stop telin us storiez dat dos nt conscern us. Pls. Tank u 4 u undastandin.

chaircover:

Na wa o Richy. Ok for argument sake lets go down your route that 99.9% of marred men cheat (na you tak am o!) and wives are in denial . . . . what next? Since you are doing us all a favour by letting us all know these facts; I am sure that you have answers and suggestions on what to do. No point in giving us information without giving us solutions.

So when our husbands walk through the door should we race up to him, yank his trousers down and smell and check his boxers for evidence of you know what? do we follow him to work and beat his sexy looking secretary up for coming to work in an above knee skirt? do we look under the passenger seat in our husbands car with a microscope ooking for female brazillian weave hairs? do we refuse to spend a penny of our own hard earned money on a pin in the house but rather spend all our money on building a secret house in our hometown in our maiden name? when his friends come to visit do we sing abusive songs to them & delliberately pour coke on their lap and pretend that it is an accident? do we hide our husbands car keys when he says that he is going out on Saturday or do we just have an affair of our own? after all what a man can do . . . .[i][/i][color=#990000][/color]

All this is just in case our husbands fall into the 99.9 category of cheating husbands.

Funny enough, many women who caught their husbands cheating already knew at the back of their minds that their hubbys are capable of away matches. Its called womens intuition. You think that the woman in this story didnt have the single tiniest clue that somethings werent adding up. She probably didnt have enough evidence and didnt want to rock the boat. If you ask her now, she will say things like "no wonder he was doing. . . . " etc

Madam CC,
Women do this all the time,but has it stopped their men from CHEATING?

spyder880:

@ Richv, in this case of this family, nobody knew anything. I live in this neighborhood with my wife and all our friends and everyone was as shocked as each other. The news came out of nowhere, remember I told us this second woman was living in a rented room in another town, so the man perfected his double life. I guess the second woman knows about the first but the first don't know the second before. [i][/i][/font][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][color=#770077][/color]
On men being cheating machines, programmed to cheat by default, well I don't know where you got that fact from and don't want to argue with your stats. But remember this, most men that cheat are because the wife treats them bad. Not in this case anyway, this man did what he did because he wanted to cling to the African man desire to father a child, anyone here who fails to do that is termed a failure, but I don't want us to argue on whether he was right or wrong, I want all those that have children here to desist from condemning this man, let us hear fro those that are not married or married and still expecting, as a man, can you live through life knowing you can father a child but hold yourself if you find the fault is from the wifey, will you divorce her first? Will you help her concieve if its possible?
Let's hear from those that have worn the shoe, where does it pinch?

My man stop contradicting yourself-Say you did not know!
My point is people MUST know about a mans cheating ways but NO ONE will tell Mrs Wifey at home!
In the cheating game at bleast some of the culprits(the man)friends MUST know about his infidelities.
In the cheating game,at least some of his RELATIVES must know!
The hospital where the woman registered for ante natal treatment and post natal treatment should know the name of the father of the child/children.
The schoolthe three children attend Proberbly will have the name of the father of the child.
There is NO way a man will have THREE kids out of wedlock without SOME people knowing about it,they are NOT just telling MRS TRUSTING WIFEY about it!
Besides from your first post you said the other womans relations brought the dead child to the mans house/compound to ask for a burial space-Now I don't want to sound dumb but if nobody knew about this relationship,how did the second wifes people trace the man home?
Finally do you think a woman will give birth to THREE children without the father and mother of such a woman demanding to meet the man responsible for the pregnancies and successful child births without at least a minimal form of introduction between the two families?-Food for thought my friend.
PEACE,AM OUT!!!

Mrs Wifey must have been sleeping!!!! now am sure she is wide awake with the news!!!

@ RichyV, well, I didn't contradict anything, and please stop using a stained glass to see the world as every case will never be the same. I said in this particular case I don't think anybody knew anything apart from the man and his lover. I maintain this position because of what happened when the news broke. The relatives of this guy was as surprised as everyone else, a big crowd gathered to see if the story was true, plus the relatives of the girl may not know, if a man hires a room to maintain a girl in secret, furnish a room for her and tries his 'koboko' and it worked, he can convince the second woman to carry on while he maintains a distance and only drops in from timt to time to 'service her carburetor' and drop money and supplies. The neighbors there cannot know him if he is discreet, arriving at odd hours or using hotels to service the lady. There can be no naming ceremony and he don't need to appear at the hospital, how many women even have their husby appear in hospital during delivery sef?. His friends may never know since they can leak the secret at his real house or blackmail him. It is a funny world, just accept that you cannot cast all men into the same mold, people differ the way their faces differ.

I want o look at this case from a different angle all together.
After 8 years of marriage 3 kids?
well it`s obvious he must have started "fathering" them barely two years into his marriage.
I rather tend to suspect that the man knew all along that he had a problem getting a woman knocked up. That was why he was so eager to prove his manhood and accepted without question these children as his.
I smell a big rat here. How come a woman with three kids did not on her own or through her family demand that the kids be accepted. Most women who really know the man is the father would have exposed this to the so called barren wife knowing the stand in a much better position.
In the same vain one can argue that when a woman produces a child that does not belong to the father the child falls sick and dies if the woman does not confess. At least this belief is prevalent in some tribes.

spyder880:

@ RichyV, well, I didn't contradict anything, and please stop using a stained glass to see the world as every case will never be the same. I said in this particular case I don't think anybody knew anything apart from the man and his lover. I maintain this position because of what happened when the news broke. The relatives of this guy was as surprised as everyone else, a big crowd gathered to see if the story was true, plus the relatives of the girl may not know, if a man hires a room to maintain a girl in secret, furnish a room for her and tries his 'koboko' and it worked, he can convince the second woman to carry on while he maintains a distance and only drops in from timt to time to 'service her carburetor' and drop money and supplies. The neighbors there cannot know him if he is discreet, arriving at odd hours or using hotels to service the lady. There can be no naming ceremony and he don't need to appear at the hospital, how many women even have their husby appear in hospital during delivery sef?. His friends may never know since they can leak the secret at his real house or blackmail him. It is a funny world, just accept that you cannot cast all men into the same mold, people differ the way their faces differ.

The man sounds like 007 James Bond from your description.Lots of clandestine stuff.
@OP,you appear to know a lot about how this guy went about his business,despite insisting that nobody knew about the affair that produced THREE children.
I am done with this thread.
PEACE!!!

@Topic,nothing new or strange.Worst shytes have happened and life still goes on.

While on the journey of trust,its wise to purchase and own a shock absorber.Does not mean you are stoopid.

@Topic,nothing new or strange.Worst shytes have happened and life still goes on.

While on the journey of trust,its wise to purchase and own a shock absorber.Does not mean you are stoopid.

@ mutter, correct perspective, this must have been going on for so long but I heard this last one that dies is months old so the oldest may not be more that 4 years old or 5 at worst. But it is not even strange if we learn that this man started testing himself with live experiments 3 years into his first marriage without kids.

@ RichyV, must you win every argument? Sometimes you have to step down if there are no more ways to twist and turn simple facts. I tell you I live in this neighborhood and know this man, his wife, his compound and the nearby town where the second woman was camped and you now think I know about the clandestine stuff? Well, I sabi the family and that is where is stops, before you say na me dey hold torchlight for the man as he dey 'perform' his abracadabra, lol. Good night jare.

Life!!!