Greatmind653:
Pls, if you don't really understand this post, don't comment please. If you're gender bias, pls, read and ignore.

Good morning kind hearted people in the house. Pls, I need honest and matured advice from experience and knowledgeable people in the house.

How can I train my sons especially my 11yrs old boy into a good, respectful, well behaved young man in a situation where he constantly see his father in gambling addiction, and the house is not always peaceful because of this?

How can I make them believe that the fact that their father does not provide anything for them nor anything in the house, does not mean they're not good enough?
My son has learnt the habit of not asking his Dad for anything no matter how little because he knows the answer already. He would rather starve than ask him for anything. Every of his needs, he will patiently wait for me.

I practically provide everything in the house and he knows. Infact my husband and my two sons can be in the house hungry for the whole day if I'm not around.
Any money he has is strictly for betting. He wouldn't even use it to feed himself not to talk of his children.
He eat anything I provide in the house without him providing. Most times it's very annoying.
Most times, we don't talk to each other in this house, yet anything I cook, he must eat.
I'm trying my best, because I can't watch my kids go hungry or stay without light, water, TV subscriptions and the rest. But once he's holding TV remote, no one dare change the channel.

How can I train well behaved young boys in a home like this? I'm so lonely and worried for my children too.

I'm no longer traumatized by his gambling addiction, because I have tried everything, and it didn't work if this is the life he wants, then fine.

I'm traveling with my two boys for the Christmas and I intend to stay in my family house for a very long time. Maybe not to return back here.
This house, I shoulder the house rent, all the bills all for the sake of my children. I don't want a broken home. I don't want my children growing up lonely without the presence of their both parents. But, am I doing the right thing here?
My husband has refused to change for years. all efforts, complain, family intervention all failed.
He's been in gambling even before we got married. I have endure for so long and I'm scared if what I'm enduring really worth it.

I've given up either.

Am I making my children better by staying together here or they could be better when we're apart?
Anyone experience this before?

What's the right thing to do here?

You saw the red flag when he was gambling before you marry him. However stay in your family house as long as possible so that your husband would learn his lesson. Take care of your boys

Greatmind653:
Pls, if you don't really understand this post, don't comment please. If you're gender bias, pls, read and ignore.

Good morning kind hearted people in the house. Pls, I need honest and matured advice from experience and knowledgeable people in the house.

How can I train my sons especially my 11yrs old boy into a good, respectful, well behaved young man in a situation where he constantly see his father in gambling addiction, and the house is not always peaceful because of this?

How can I make them believe that the fact that their father does not provide anything for them nor anything in the house, does not mean they're not good enough?
My son has learnt the habit of not asking his Dad for anything no matter how little because he knows the answer already. He would rather starve than ask him for anything. Every of his needs, he will patiently wait for me.

I practically provide everything in the house and he knows. Infact my husband and my two sons can be in the house hungry for the whole day if I'm not around.
Any money he has is strictly for betting. He wouldn't even use it to feed himself not to talk of his children.
He eat anything I provide in the house without him providing. Most times it's very annoying.
Most times, we don't talk to each other in this house, yet anything I cook, he must eat.
I'm trying my best, because I can't watch my kids go hungry or stay without light, water, TV subscriptions and the rest. But once he's holding TV remote, no one dare change the channel.

How can I train well behaved young boys in a home like this? I'm so lonely and worried for my children too.

I'm no longer traumatized by his gambling addiction, because I have tried everything, and it didn't work if this is the life he wants, then fine.

I'm traveling with my two boys for the Christmas and I intend to stay in my family house for a very long time. Maybe not to return back here.
This house, I shoulder the house rent, all the bills all for the sake of my children. I don't want a broken home. I don't want my children growing up lonely without the presence of their both parents. But, am I doing the right thing here?
My husband has refused to change for years. all efforts, complain, family intervention all failed.
He's been in gambling even before we got married. I have endure for so long and I'm scared if what I'm enduring really worth it.

I've given up either.

Am I making my children better by staying together here or they could be better when we're apart?
Anyone experience this before?

What's the right thing to do here?

Take your children and leave. Hunger and bills will reset his brain. His own addiction is way too damaging for the family.

No matter the extra curricular activities a man may engage in, his first priority must be taking care of his family. Na wetin remain we go take flenjour.

for those looking to end their addiction, this helped with mine

https://www.nairaland.com/7939213/one-guide-end-addiction

people do change. i had an addiction for years and look at me now. totally free

i wrote the steps i followed to my freedom from addiction here

https://www.nairaland.com/7939213/one-guide-end-addiction

BigIyanga:
Do what works best for your kids. A stark reminder that people dont change.. Gambling b4 marriage and still gambling

https://www.nairaland.com/7939213/one-guide-end-addiction

end your addiction here like i did

nairalanda1:


Heheh...where to start

1.People lie. Especially during courtship. Am sure the joker was lying and hiding his gambling when they were dating. After...

2.Most addcits know how to hide their addiction

3.It is also VERY possible that the man was not a gambler at all when they were dating and when they married. After all, all it takes is to place the first bet....which he probably did after they married.

ravensckar:
Yes, I stand by my point. As irresponsible as he may seem, he's still their dad. You'll never understand what a fatherless child is going through. Ask those whose father is dead, they will tell you.

She is not planning to kill the man, so the kids aren't fatherless. Rather, OP is trying to keep them away from his toxicity which is likely to ruin their future.

As for the fatherless, their major pain is in death taking their loved one away from them and not from their loved one choosing gambling or some other view over them. Quit comparing mangoes with agablumos.

To me, I think there's need to get your husband a counsellor, someone you both respect, to talk to him. If he refuses to listen, there should be at least a friend or a family member that he respects, even if it's a community leader. Let someone else talk to him a very controlled environment where he will be able to listen, e.g. accompanying him to visit his town head, or senior member of the community at that person's invitation (after you have done your groundwork).

The man is already a burden, and you're already a single mother. The children need a father figure, but NOT that kind of father figure. If you try the above and it doesn't work, you can separate, not divorce, and see what time says. If the passage to time without you in his life with reset his brain, let him know that you'll always yo available for him. If his brain remains unresettable, then you continue with your boys, and TELL TEACH HOW NOT TO BE A MAN. TAKE 5 MINUTES EVERYDAY AND TELL THEM HOW PROUD YOU ARE TO THEM, AND HOW MUCH YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP RESPONSIBLE AND DIFFERENT FROM THEIR FATHER. The truth is the only thing that can set you free.

I don't mean badmouthing your husband, but telling them what works and what doesn't work as a father.

In addition to these, find out where you can enrol your children in programmes that are meant to conscientize male teenagers and adolescents once they get to that level. Some NGOs offer these opportunities. If you get married to gambler, don't expect him to drop the habit. Gambling is one of the most addictive things on earth.

Pray to God to help him and direct your path.

Bravelion:
If you are buoyant enough to cater for the children, then you can leave for your mental health and general well being. Also for him not to polute the psyche of the children. The children seeing his behavior everyday, has adverse effects in their lives in the near future. Some men are very irresponsible. They rush into marriage without maturing (not number) properly to be able to take responsibility. They end up tormenting their wives left, right and center. Be strengthened and leave the house peacefully until he comes to his senses and change for good. Pls if you are reading this, resist any negative habit before you become addicted to it . Addictions ruin lives. A word is enough for the wise.

It's not just the men being irresponsible but also the women.

By staying in that house you are increasing the chances of your children becoming responsible in the long run. Look, I'll tell you for a fact that the children knows what is going on but how they will turn out to be will be dependent on what they also see around but you can support them by pointing out to them how irresponsible their father is. They may not like it now but they will understand in the future.

Leave the house for him and never you pick his bills!

I used to have 2 friends when growing up. Their fathers were drunkards. Now one is a drunkard, the other hate drinking.

One day we were hanging out and asked why they made their choices about drinking, and they both told me because their father drinks.

One decided to drink because he was influenced by his father's drinking habit, the other one don't drink because he Dosent want to be like his father.

A delicate situation.

In general sha, from my study.

You have done your part. Not to bore you with words, all you can do now is reinforcements. Be creative and manage your words and especially words, when the situation is vexing you. So, if your husband is misbehaving with the gambling, say he is not around. If your kids ask about him, tell them he will be back. If they inquire some more, say if it's a chronic thing, them to help you advice him to be wise. Gambling can be addictive.


From my observations, once a kid is 12, his classmates, school mates, and sometimes the streets, will be the main influence. So, he might not even be caring that much about his dad for now, as long as his dad is alive and hopefully helpful. Is just that, the situation might make his home a depressing situation that he has to bear, until he can go hang around his friends again.
It might create much distance between him and you guys (you and your husband). The depression will get higher if he sees you frustrated everytime. So manage it, but be mindful of letting it heap you in a sad weight.


No silver bul/et. Just show kindness, awareness, stay positive, hopeful, and any combination of great ways, you can muster, be that way, even with all the societal uncertainty. If they inquire, let them know that they can work if they see the opportunity, and even if not great work, they should still have a dream to be content and/or do better with a plan; that plan might be difficult, but if they dedicate themselves and adapt their situations to their goal, they can achieve it or get close to it.


My whole point is show kindness, or whatever ideology you want to encourage. Being respectful to others, value of work and not only looking for gbim type of money. Gbim type of money is what many Nigerians suffer from, that is why elected officials or even small contractors, like to see project money as their money. Another thing that a gbim mentally breeds, is fraud, gambling, robbery, ritualist, all kinds of evil delusions. So, teach them that and many more, while still living your life and living sane. No time to check time.

Olumaeme:
By staying in that house you are increasing the chances of your children becoming responsible in the long run. Look, I'll tell you for a fact that the children knows what is going on but how they will turn out to be will be dependent on what they also see around but you can support them by pointing out to them how irresponsible their father is. They may not like it now but they will understand in the future.
Leave the house for him and never you pick his bills! I used to have 2 friends when growing up. Their fathers were drunkards. Now one is a drunkard, the other hate drinking. One day we were hanging out and asked why they made their choices about drinking, and they both told me because their father drinks. One decided to drink because he was influenced by his father's drinking habit, the other one don't drink because he Dosent want to be like his father.

Some people go dey somewhere dey call am a generational curse when in fact it all instead has to do with factors from within the environment in which they were raised.

Gambling addiction is the new pandemic

With all the promotion from ex pro footballers, sure odds forecasting groups on social media platforms, heck even some pastors accept testimony from bet winners on the pulpit.

There's are habits that are meant for the rich and youth...it baffles me when i read tales or see married men with kids who do not have self-control.

Like get a fu*cking vasectomy if you know u want to be perpetually irresponsible, than bring kids into this world who will be scarred from ur bad decisions.🤦‍♂️

I hope your boys find a positive masculine role model figure to look up to, pending when their dad decides to pull himself together.

I can't seem to wrap my head around how you ladies end up with this kind of men. And some men do not really know what it means to be called the "Head of the Family".

Let me break it down for you. This is a role with huge responsibilities. It means providing leadership, guidance and direction for your family. It doesn't mean sitting down, wasting away, messing and fooling around. You set family goals, assign some responsibilities to madam or give her the support to take initiatives to handle some things in the house. Set standards and enforce disciplines when necessary, show love to your wife and kids. This is how I run my family as a Redpiller. I have a huge sense of responsibilities. Anyway, may be that's just me. Men like the husband of this poster should be a big turn off for any reasonable woman. I have not seen that woman on earth who will not submit to me if we were a couple. Some men dey fall hand.

0neal:
■ Gambling addiction is the new pandemic
With all the promotion from ex pro footballers, sure odds forecasting groups on social media platforms, heck even some pastors accept testimony from bet winners on the pulpit.
There's are habits that are meant for the rich and youth...it baffles me when i read tales or see married men with kids who do not have self-control.
L ike get a fu*cking vasectomy if you know u want to be irresponsible,

How many footballers and pastors are out there pushing the vasectomy solution?

We've left already. God knows I tried my best. I didn't neglect him, but he chose his ways.

We pray at the end, we all find the happiness we seek

Pack your children and leave that man
then
start teaching them
financial education
sex education
religious education
e.t.c
anything they learn to the age of seventeen can't be change again
even at the age of 11 it need serious work on them,
since they are not showing signs of incompetent work on them nw becus
the funiest thing is that the character won't show untill they go married
secondly why i said leave your husband is that enviroment conttribute 50% to a childs development

Kobojunkie:
Some people go dey somewhere dey call am a generational curse when in fact it all instead has to do with factors from within the environment in which they were raised.

Lol, but you believe some diseases are hereditary(generational)

drimzsmoke:
▦ Lol, but you believe some diseases are hereditary(generational)

Behavioral problems aren't genetic in origin. They are learned. When you claim a behavioral problem is a generational curse is a sign of mental disconnect.

Greatmind653:
Pls, if you don't really understand this post, don't comment please. If you're gender bias, pls, read and ignore.

Good morning kind hearted people in the house. Pls, I need honest and matured advice from experience and knowledgeable people in the house.

How can I train my sons especially my 11yrs old boy into a good, respectful, well behaved young man in a situation where he constantly see his father in gambling addiction, and the house is not always peaceful because of this?

How can I make them believe that the fact that their father does not provide anything for them nor anything in the house, does not mean they're not good enough?
My son has learnt the habit of not asking his Dad for anything no matter how little because he knows the answer already. He would rather starve than ask him for anything. Every of his needs, he will patiently wait for me.

I practically provide everything in the house and he knows. Infact my husband and my two sons can be in the house hungry for the whole day if I'm not around.
Any money he has is strictly for betting. He wouldn't even use it to feed himself not to talk of his children.
He eat anything I provide in the house without him providing. Most times it's very annoying.
Most times, we don't talk to each other in this house, yet anything I cook, he must eat.
I'm trying my best, because I can't watch my kids go hungry or stay without light, water, TV subscriptions and the rest. But once he's holding TV remote, no one dare change the channel.

How can I train well behaved young boys in a home like this? I'm so lonely and worried for my children too.

I'm no longer traumatized by his gambling addiction, because I have tried everything, and it didn't work if this is the life he wants, then fine.

I'm traveling with my two boys for the Christmas and I intend to stay in my family house for a very long time. Maybe not to return back here.
This house, I shoulder the house rent, all the bills all for the sake of my children. I don't want a broken home. I don't want my children growing up lonely without the presence of their both parents. But, am I doing the right thing here?
My husband has refused to change for years. all efforts, complain, family intervention all failed.
He's been in gambling even before we got married. I have endure for so long and I'm scared if what I'm enduring really worth it.

I've given up either.

Am I making my children better by staying together here or they could be better when we're apart?
Anyone experience this before?

What's the right thing to do here?

Addictions are difficult to give up. I have tried to and failed so I know what I'm talking about. The first thing is to take care of yourself. Your children will be fine as long as you are fine. It is better to be temporarily separated than for you to collapse and die because of stress. Tell your husband that you are not feeling ok. And that you need a change of environment. Take as long you feel it's necessary. If you guys are meant to remain together, he will come looking for you. If he doesn't, stay right where you are. Your children will be better for it.

Kobojunkie:
Behavioral problems aren't genetic in origin. They are learned. When you claim a behavioral problem is a generational curse is a sign of mental disconnect.

I can't prove it yet but I intend doing a study on it in future. Our DNA can influence what we choose to learn or not to, hence generationa!!!

Kobojunkie:
You are trying to prove that genetically, we have no will of our own to decide our behavior. Is that like declaring we are no different from AIs?

Two kids who grew up in a 'motherless babies home' with exactly opposite characters. What is the cause for this

Professor John Nash ran mad, his son ran mad. In Nigeria, we call that generational 'c......'

My younger brother is very gentle, can tolerate people, has a good social skills but I'm exactly opposite and we grew up in the same house and was exposed to the same environment( school, church, friends etc). When we were taught music in choir that year, the way he grasped music was amazing. Till date, "do re mi fa so" still sound the same(do) in my ears!!!

Our genetic make-up has a big role in our learned behaviours and I'm going to prove it someday if it hasn't been done already!!!!

Modify: studies are being done on this already
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6635910/

drimzsmoke:
■ I can't prove it yet but I intend doing a study on it in future. Our DNA can influence what we choose to learn or not to, hence generationa!!!

You are trying to prove that genetically, we have no will of our own to decide our behavior. Is that like declaring we are no different from AIs?

Greatmind653:
Pls, if you don't really understand this post, don't comment please. If you're gender bias, pls, read and ignore.

Good morning kind hearted people in the house. Pls, I need honest and matured advice from experience and knowledgeable people in the house.

How can I train my sons especially my 11yrs old boy into a good, respectful, well behaved young man in a situation where he constantly see his father in gambling addiction, and the house is not always peaceful because of this?

How can I make them believe that the fact that their father does not provide anything for them nor anything in the house, does not mean they're not good enough?
My son has learnt the habit of not asking his Dad for anything no matter how little because he knows the answer already. He would rather starve than ask him for anything. Every of his needs, he will patiently wait for me.

I practically provide everything in the house and he knows. Infact my husband and my two sons can be in the house hungry for the whole day if I'm not around.
Any money he has is strictly for betting. He wouldn't even use it to feed himself not to talk of his children.
He eat anything I provide in the house without him providing. Most times it's very annoying.
Most times, we don't talk to each other in this house, yet anything I cook, he must eat.
I'm trying my best, because I can't watch my kids go hungry or stay without light, water, TV subscriptions and the rest. But once he's holding TV remote, no one dare change the channel.

How can I train well behaved young boys in a home like this? I'm so lonely and worried for my children too.

I'm no longer traumatized by his gambling addiction, because I have tried everything, and it didn't work if this is the life he wants, then fine.

I'm traveling with my two boys for the Christmas and I intend to stay in my family house for a very long time. Maybe not to return back here.
This house, I shoulder the house rent, all the bills all for the sake of my children. I don't want a broken home. I don't want my children growing up lonely without the presence of their both parents. But, am I doing the right thing here?
My husband has refused to change for years. all efforts, complain, family intervention all failed.
He's been in gambling even before we got married. I have endure for so long and I'm scared if what I'm enduring really worth it.

I've given up either.

Am I making my children better by staying together here or they could be better when we're apart?
Anyone experience this before?

What's the right thing to do here?

If you separate from your husband, will the bills become less? Don't deny them of there father... Only leave when he turns violent. Addiction is nothing... He will come out of it.

Felix6:

Exactly. All I read is a woman whose husband is currently facing challenges, must have lost his job or business is bad for a while.
She didn't tell us how things were, when she was busy opening legs for the man to produce the boys, and how things were growing to the stage they are now. Suddenly he has become irresponsible, because he now eats from what she provides.
The man didn't run to nairaland.com to narrate how she was eating what he provides when the going was good for him.
Woman you are only looking for the final nail in the coffin for him, which you have deceptively come to seek through public opinion on a faceless forum.
What ever backing you get from here will never stop your conscience from pricking you.
Because you have done him dirty already with these rubbish you spewed here.

Naira land misogynist are at it again Very Hateful, lacks empathy with no Conscience when it Comes to Women!! How does loosing a Job or a Buisness translates to gambling?? the Country ain't smiling yet all the Men around me don't gamble even I face Challenges too yet I have never stepped my feet in a betting Shop.

Though I don't believe the story as it may be one of those tales concocted by one of the mods to generate traffic if not which Woman will open Her eyes to marry a Gambler believing He will Change after Wedding? when She wasn't hypnotized??It's just like marrying a drunkard who drinks all His pay Check believing He will Change in the marriage it easy like that??

Even if the story is true and He had lost His Job it's Stl not the Woman's fault He gambles as a result of Greed and lack of Contentment (that's what leads to gambling in the first place),So far the Wife Can go out to hustle Him too should fold His Sleeves and get to work and stop Plying Short route to Success!!

Greatmind653:


All efforts, complain, family intervention all failed.
He's been in gambling even before we got married. I have endure for so long and I'm scared if what I'm enduring really worth it.

If he were a drug addict .... would you have married him? What applies to drug addiction applies to gambling.... gambling is an addiction ... he has to want to stop and has to have a strong mind to resist the urges. Thus problem should've been taken care of wayyy before marriage. The children are too young to understand his addiction ... not even gambling. They are used to him around and his behavior to them is normal. If you take them away .... they will miss him. He will have to provide for himself and find money to gamble. I can guarantee you whatever can be sold in the house will be sold at giveaway prices. I would suggest you cut down on his feeding.... cry broke... always barely managing to cook just enough for the children ... keep asking him for money to buy foodstuffs ... if you ask he can't ask you nor expect 3 square meals. If he loves watching TV... cut out the service ... let him pay that bill..etc .... cut out what is most important to him.

I will advise you Separate frm Him for a while With the Kids and See if He changes that is if this is not a fable You shouldn't have married Him in the 1st place when you saw the Red flag of gambling gamblers don't change easily!! If He was gambling when He was Stl single when He had no responsibility is it now when married with kids and bills to pay He will Change??

Your situation reminds me of a story of a Family in the U.S whereby the Husby a blue Collar employee was drinking His pay Check and keeping His Families (a wife and a Son) in rags,Hunger and penury only the Wife was bringing money home when She saw the adverse effect on Her Son She took Him along fled the House and trained the Boy on Her own to cut the long story short the Boy became a Petroleum Engineer who worked at an oil Field in the Gulf!!.

The Man Stl didn't Change o He retired in Penury had She endured and lingered with Her Husby would the Son have or wouldnt have made something worthwhile of His life?? That leaves to be told!!

SmileDance:
You are not making your children better by staying there enduring or else they will grow up with the mentality that they can be irresponsible and expect their wives to also endure.
Since you've already decided to go to your family house, I hope you have solid plans in place how to take care of your children.
I would have said being a single parent is not easy at all, but then again you are a single parent already and your husband is an extra burden for you. Just takes care of your kids and train them well so they don't follow their father's footsteps.

Exactly.

NFBI:
Don't give up one day he will hit the jackpot and everybody will be happy..


even nairaland advertise betting platform

😂😂

ultraviolet27:


Naira land misogynist are at it again Very Hateful, lacks empathy with no Conscience when it Comes to Women!! How does loosing a Job or a Buisness translates to gambling?? the Country ain't smiling yet all the Men around me don't gamble even I face Challenges too yet I have never stepped my feet in a betting Shop.

Though I don't believe the story as it may be one of those tales concocted by one of the mods to generate traffic if not which Woman will open Her eyes to marry a Gambler believing He will Change after Wedding? when She wasn't hypnotized??It's just like marrying a drunkard who drinks all His pay Check believing He will Change in the marriage it easy like that??

Even if the story is true and He had lost His Job it's Stl not the Woman's fault He gambles as a result of Greed and lack of Contentment (that's what leads to gambling in the first place),So far the Wife Can go out to hustle Him too should fold His Sleeves and get to work and stop Plying Short route to Success!!

With the initial gragra from your first paragraph, I thought you were coming out with something tangible, disappointingly you started going round in circles in the subsequent paragraphs.
Anyway when you are finally done, and out the confusion, put on some mature glasses and read through her gibberish again.

My dear, your words that you don't want a broken home enlighten my heart, please no matter what the father does either good or bad, pray for him because prayers change everything, don't allow your children to live without him while he's still alive, the fatherly presence is enough.

The truth is we have to also hear the man's own side of the story. My colleague reports exactly this kind of a thing, whereas the husband pays for rent and every utility, pays school fees and drops monthly allowance and yet this woman will be reporting the husband here and there that he doesn't do anything.

Anytime salary delays or network gets bad and transfers don't go for him to transfer monthly feeding money, she will stop giving him food. So let your husband talk his own side of the story

Unfortunately you are not making their lives any better by staying. Society would tell you about “A broken home”. But sometimes, it’s more beneficial. Growing up I watched my elder brother ruin a hard working young lady all because she has a son for him and didn’t want the boy to grow without a father.
My brother too is addicted to gambling and I can only pray to God about him now because we have tried everything. Every single kobo he gets goes into gambling. He even stole from the lady’s business money to gamble until he crippled her business.

Apparently, you can take care of the kids on your own. Take some time apart, see how things turn out. I bet it’s for better. Don’t let your sons pick up after their father by staying with him.