Please i need candid and experience answers as regard this issue. I am just any other guy, in and out of several r/ships, the last i had before my current one lasted abt 3years, which ended few weeks before i finally got my dream job. she left for no good reason, begged her to be patient, ask my mum and her mum to plead with her all to n avail. i had to travel 8hr journey to see her physically and talk to her but she refused to attend a meeting that was arrange for both of us by her father, men I gave up on her, felt depressed and lonely, i thought i ve lost everything. . we actually started having problems when she started working and subsequently made head of her department, which she refuse to inform me. i was told by someone else, which when i asked her, i got the shocker of my life, she just went wild at me. Men, i felt bad, i told myself, that i need to focus on my career and forget women at least for now. Well i actually got a job, within a year, got landed properties and a car worth N2m. My fortune change dramatically. Sincerely after my last experience, i blamed myself for keeping just one girlfriend, and when money and job came, i saw how easy for ladies to keep your bed warm everyday of the week. Me that was reserve and decent suddenly slept with several ladies with no emotions attached. I called myself to order, cause i know i was on the part of destruction. my former girlfriend later got to know i was working, she came back,pleaded with me, claiming she doesn't know what came over her, I Hissed!
Well, seriously i have a challenge, i want to settle down and be a responsible husband and father. i am presently with a lady, she is nice, but if you ask me I cant tell if her niceness due to my current status and future prospect( I build on my career everyday and she has been following it closely). Please, NLders esp guys out there, how do u tell if a lady is truly for u. I really need answers.

Lol! Hot Dodo would like advice to prevent him from falling into hot soup . Please forgive me, I don't mean to make light of your concerns, but the pun just jumped out at me.

Have no fear sir, at first glance, it looks like you are well placed. I'll hopefully be back to post a few words of advice that you may find useful.

I'm sure others will be along imminently.

Best
TV

Why is she closely monitoring your business progress? How closely? How long have you known her? Why are you sharing your inner business matters with her?

Follow your own instincts. Take your time.

HD, welcome. 

It’s always crucial that concerns regards how, when and who to marry are raised before and not after. It would be good if you can find real-time, live people with the requisite wisdom and experience who can help guide you in this respect. In the first instance, that charge should preferably be with one’s family. In lieu of family – immediate or extended – look for others who can fill this brief.  Having varying and different levels of support is also good, but please don't broadcast it abroad. Keep it to a handful of people at most. Having said that, there are contributors here, who can proffer good advice. It’s up to you to read, understand and apply in a beneficial way. 


I like the part where you claimed to have “checked yourself”. Because as a man who desires to marry, the first and arguably the most important point of scrutiny is oneself.

What is your understanding and perception of marriage? It is certainly not an estate to be entered into lightly. Do you have an objective benchmark? Are your values and ideals based on what obtains around you, open to subjective change? or are your expectations of a higher or even divine standard? Do you understand the roles of both parties and the benefits to the couple, their children and the community of a solid and fulfilling union? 

Are you prepared? This can be viewed using a number of measures. It’s essentially an indication of your readiness. Not to say you must already be perfect in each, but you must have made fair progress or at least attained a minimum level. Think maturity (spiritually, also if you are a man of faith), think financial capability to provide. Think about your immediate circumstances, even things such as your plans and aspirations. Will they facilitate or compromise your vision (ultimately joint vision) for marriage. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but something to get you thinking.

Are you ready to embrace and commit to marriage and all it entails? Are you ready to fight if need be? For your bride before and wife after? And not necessarily in a physical sense. But to win her and to keep her. Fighting may mean stooping to conquer or successfully battling some of your own excesses. Will you commit to loving her as she ages and staying with her regardless of whether she bares you children. What  if she falls seriously ill? Not that I am alleging these things, but merely to give a sense of the commitment required.

Are you going into this "sacrificially"? Not seeking yours, but hers. Not seeking to give in order to receive, but your all? Are you set on working? Both to keep it and to make it sweeter? To put her before all others? People and things, relationships and pursuits? if you are a "believer, are you committing this to God?

So, you'd like to be a responsible husband and a father? Ask yourself, are you willing to embrace marriage and all it entails?


That was pretty generic, now a specific point - 

The first 3 year relationship. Although I hate being prescriptive, unless you can convince yourself ( or more pertinently, she can demonstrate to you) beyond all reasonable doubt that she has  had a wholesale change of heart, end it! Why?

1. She does not respect her father (or both your mothers) that sir is a red flag with sirens and outriders. Flags don't get any redder.

2. Her attitude to you is based on your "status". That is wrong for all sorts of reasons. She presents with "hypergamy".In this sense, it's a bad (typically female) trait, meaning she'll potentially trade you for someone of higher status at any point in time. You have seen deceit, wildness, disrespect to authority and Unclad greed. I doubt you will see peace or faithfulness. Enough said.


Hope this helped. More later if time permits.

Regards
TV

I imagine my younger sibling basking in success and pondering whether his love is really true.

Unfortunately this is a dog eat dog world and your in Nigeria, the highest population of dogs in africa, and they eat everything.

I will advise my sibling to only marry someone on the same level as them, that way you both have as much to lose and you'd find it easier to trust.

If you cannot handle the idea of someone being with you for your treasures they you either lay your treasures aside or find someone with their own treasure. There are as many women out there with decent jobs, homes, cars unfortunately men tend to be intimidated by succesful woman.

If you can get past that you will be happy. Theres always a chance for your current lady to build herself a career and prove to you she's not after your money.

Good luck with all that.

LOL @ TV000 with his senseless epistles!


OP, there are many ways to "test the spirits" so to say:

1) Time: Please give this relationship time. It takes a while to know the true heart of a woman, especially a woman that is determined to marry you. A determined woman can hide her true self for months and may not reveal it until the giant rock is on her fingers and she starts to play the role of "wife". Date this current lady for a while (at least a year) before you even hint at marriage. A woman that loves you will wait (at least for one year, sometimes more).

2) Use your brain - Love is blind is a saying for fools. Love with the ultimate goal of marriage is not blind at all. In fact, it has the sharpest eyes of all. Please, study and examine this woman well. She isn't going to be perfect (nobody, not even you, is perfect) but make sure that you can live with her flaws. Most important, take special pains to observe her when she's in a bad mood, unhappy or under a lot of stress. It is in these "non-ideal" moments that her true nature comes out.

3) Surprise her - Yes, do something she does not expect. For example, get her a relatively inexpensive but thoughtful gift for Valentines or for her birthday. See how she reacts. If she gets angry and complains bitterly (or even threatens to leave you), then you should see this as a red flag. A woman that truly loves you and is in the relationship for the right reasons would be rightfully disappointed but she would keep that disappointment to herself because she would hate to lose you over something so trivial.

4) Listen to your loved ones - They can see things that you can't see because you're blinded by emotions. Be especially careful if she dislikes your family and long-time friends and tries to keep you away from them. It might mean she has something to hide or sees you as a prized cash-cow that belongs only to her.

5) Pray - God still answers prayers oh! Pray on your own for guidance and pray that God should reveal the depths of her heart to you. When you're getting closer to proposing, organize a few weeks of fasting and prayer together. A relationship that's founded on prayer and God is the type that can endure the challenges of marriage.

Always remember that no job, no matter how wonderful, lasts forever. Think ahead, spend judiciously, save, avoid flashy "owambe" real estate but invest in income-producing properties that can support you in lean times and remember that cars are not investments (they are expensive machines of finite shelf-life and rapidly declining value that require maintenance and repair).

Good luck! May God grant you the grace and the wisdom to make the right decisions in this crucial time of your life.

The first principle of happy marriage is equality. The second
principle is mutual confidence, which can NEVER exist without the
first.
I do not mean by "equality" what is usually meant. One member of the
married twain may be rich, the other poor in worldly goods; one an
aristocrat, the other plebeian; one higly educated, the other not so; and
yet they may be to each other what they are in truth, equals.
Equality is a mental state, not a matter of birth or breeding, wisdom
or ignorance. The TRUTH is that all men and women are equal; all are
sparks of the One Life; all children of the one highly aristocratic
"Father"; all heirs to the wisdom and wealth of the ages which go to make up eternity.
But all men and women are more or less unconscious, in spots at least,
of this truth. They spend their lives "looking down" upon each other.
Men "look down" upon their wives as "weak" or "inferior," and women look
down upon their husbands as "animals" or "great brutes." Men are
contemptuous of their wives visionariness, and women despise their
husbands for "cold and calculating" tendencies.
Every man and woman values certain qualities highly, and in proportion
as another fails to manifest these particular qualities he is classed as
"low," and his society is not valued.
This is the great source of trouble between husbands and wives. Each
values his or her own qualities and despises the other's. So in their
own minds they are not equal, and the first principle of harmony is
missing.
The real truth is that in marriage a man is schoolmaster to his wife
and she is equally schoolmistress to him. This is true in a less
degree, of all the relationships of life.
The Law of Attraction draws people together that they may learn.
There is but one Life, which is growth in wisdom and knowledge.
There is but one Death, which is refusal to learn.
If husbands and wives were equals in their own minds they would not
despise each other and refuse to learn of each other.
The Law of Attraction, or Love, almost invariably attracts opposites,
and for their own good. A visionary, idealistic woman is drawn to a
practical man, where, kick and fuss and despise each other as they will,
she is bound to become more practical and he more idealistic. They
exchange qualities in spite of themselves; each is an unconscious agent
in rounding out the character and making more abundant the life of the
other.for more free info send email to richgateinfo2@gmail.com subject marriage

I wonder why a woman gets blamed when she just wants to ensure she doesn't wake up in the morning with only garri to drink. Abeg who came to this world to suffer

Mtccccccccchew!

Ujujoan:

I wonder why a woman gets blamed when she just wants to ensure she doesn't wake up in the morning with only garri to drink. Abeg who came to this world to suffer

Mtccccccccchew!

e be like say that pregnancy of yours don give you bad mouth.

jennykadry:

e be like say that pregnancy of yours don give you bad mouth.

Seriously, I get a lot of anger tantrums these days . . . am practically turning into a fighter. Is it normal?

Ujujoan:

I wonder why a woman gets blamed when she just wants to ensure she doesn't wake up in the morning with only garri to drink. Abeg who came to this world to suffer

Mtccccccccchew!

the exact type of women the OP wants to avoid at all costs. To many of these greedy women, its all about what they can "eat".

davidylan:

the exact type of women the OP wants to avoid at all costs. To many of these greedy women, its all about what they can "eat".

lol

Ujujoan:

I wonder why a woman gets blamed when she just wants to ensure she doesn't wake up in the morning with only garri to drink. Abeg who came to this world to suffer   

Mtccccccccchew!

I think you have a very valid point here, ensuring that you won't have a lazy and games/girls/alcohol (or anything else)- addicted husband is a must. But then again, I think the whole point is not to find a man that will bring everything (materially speaking) to the marriage. A lady can also ensure her future is safe through her own hard work/savings/investments.

I bet HD doesn't mind being loved for what he has to offer in terms of financial security, but he wouldn't want to be loved [b]only [/b]for that reason (and I guess nobody would).

^ i agree

@uju theres absolutely nothing wrong but i think a man should be entitled to choose. If the woman only wants him for financial stability then he might not be cool with it. It's not all about the woman. Lol

davidylan:

the exact type of women the OP wants to avoid at all costs. To many of these greedy women, its all about what they can "eat".

So trying to secure your future, so that you don't wake up one morning and be drinking because you don't have a choice has become greed

ronkebp:

So trying to secure your future, so that you don't wake up one morning and be drinking because you don't have a choice has become greed

No. However selecting a man on the basis of his ability to provide you with gucci bags alone is naked greed. If a woman doesnt want to wake up in the morning to drink garri what prevents her from aspiring to climb the career ladder on her own? I for one am sick to death of women crying about "equality" on one side then categorizing men purely on the size of their wallets.

Like a friend said, choose a woman based on her ability to COMPLEMENT you not on the basis of you being her sole source of financial support. I for one cannot imagine marrying a woman who does not have her own career but whose only means of climbing the social ladder is merely by virtue of being a wife.

davidylan:

No. However selecting a man on the basis of his ability to provide you with gucci bags alone is Unclad greed. If a woman doesnt want to wake up in the morning to drink garri what prevents her from aspiring to climb the career ladder on her own? I for one am sick to death of women crying about "equality" on one side then categorizing men purely on the size of their wallets.

Like a friend said, choose a woman based on her ability to COMPLEMENT you not on the basis of you being her sole source of financial support. I for one cannot imagine marrying a woman who does not have her own career but whose only means of climbing the social ladder is merely by virtue of being a wife.

Are there still women like that this days

OP
I have been in your shoes before, regarding heartbreak. And I will tell you what I told myself back then. It will be a great shame to give your ex one more minute of your life, after she has wasted three years of it. Move on, stronger and wiser.
Watch your girl carefully. You will know if she is truly deserving. But in the interim, don't make her pay for what your ex did to you. Take her for who she is!

chaircover:

On this rare occasion I agree with David

I feel highly honored!

and how can you tell what the future holds? a woman can decide to focus on ''family'' and not stress up only to meet the glass ceiling.

if your woman decide today to stop working and focus on the homefront/kids what are you going to do?

davidylan:

No. However selecting a man on the basis of his ability to provide you with gucci bags alone is Unclad greed. If a woman doesnt want to wake up in the morning to drink garri what prevents her from aspiring to climb the career ladder on her own? I for one am sick to death of women crying about "equality" on one side then categorizing men purely on the size of their wallets.

Like a friend said, choose a woman based on her ability to COMPLEMENT you not on the basis of you being her sole source of financial support. I for one cannot imagine marrying a woman who does not have her own career but whose only means of climbing the social ladder is merely by virtue of being a wife.

how you dey? nwamama?

armyofone:

and how can you tell what the future holds? a woman can decide to focus on ''family'' and not stress up only to meet the glass ceiling.

if your woman decide today to stop working and focus on the homefront/kids what are you going to do?

how you dey? nwamama?

lol i dey kampe. My woman can never make that decision, i dont do stay-at-home mothers.

davidylan:

lol i dey kampe. My woman can never make that decision, i dont do stay-at-home mothers.

What's wrong being a wife? Why don't you read your bibeli mimo some more? You sound like a hypocrite now. Wait till your wife has 2 kids to raise and comes back home from work exhausted. I bet you'll change your mind and appreciate a stay-at-home wife and mother the moment she tells you she's too tired to give you some, after a long day at work. mtchew!

rosefleurs:

What's wrong being a wife? Why don't you read your bibeli mimo some more? You sound like a hypocrite now. Wait till your wife has 2 kids to raise and comes back home from work exhausted. I bet you'll change your mind and appreciate a stay-at-home wife and mother the moment she tells you she's too tired to give you some, after a long day at work. mtchew!

Absolute bull. My mother is a senior doctor who built a medical career in paediatrics, combined it with a private practice and public health advocacy while raising 3 boys. My aunt raises 4 girls and is a senior manager at Addax. What exactly are you saying? That it is impossible for a woman to work and raise kids at the same time? So because a woman has kids she has become a delicate vegetable that should do nothing but watch TV and grow fat all day?

Men equally have to come home exhausted and deal with household issues, worry about financial problems, fix the gen, the car and STILL have time to bathe and feed their babies.

I think you are pathologically lazy.

davidylan:

Absolute bull. My mother is a senior doctor who built a medical career in paediatrics, combined it with a private practice and public health advocacy while raising 3 boys. My aunt raises 4 girls and is a senior manager at Addax. What exactly are you saying? That it is impossible for a woman to work and raise kids at the same time? So because a woman has kids she has become a delicate vegetable that should do nothing but watch TV and grow fat all day?

Men equally have to come home exhausted and deal with household issues, worry about financial problems, fix the gen, the car and STILL have time to bathe and feed their babies.

I think you are pathologically lazy.

Way to go to miss the point.  I am not talking about myself or anyone I know.  It is a hypothetical!  I am challenging you because you are a bloody hypocrite.  It matters not why someone chooses to be a homemaker.  THe fact is there is honour in choosing it.  And simply because a woman chooses that does not make her of bad character.  Also, just because your wife has a job doesn't certify that she is not going to spend your money or dump your a$$ at the first opportunity.  Many successful men even prefer their wives to be homemakers.  As someone who worships Oyinbo people I would expect you to be all over that. 


Who gives a flip if your mummy is the president of the World Bank or the Queen of Africa.  Arrogant jerkoff!

I guaranty you, with your attitude you're just the kinda guy whose wife runs off with a co-worker. Dudes like you are advised to keep their wives in purdah, safely at home from interaction with other (nicer) men.

rosefleurs:

Way to go to miss the point.  I am not talking about myself or anyone I know.  It is a hypothetical!  I am challenging you because you are a bloody hypocrite.  It matters not why someone chooses to be a homemaker.  THe fact is there is honour in choosing it.  And simply because a woman chooses that does not make her of bad character.  Also, just because your wife has a job doesn't certify that she is not going to spend your money or dump your a$$ at the first opportunity.  Many successful men even prefer their wives to be homemakers.  As someone who worships Oyinbo people I would expect you to be all over that. 

this is a stup[i]i[/i]d "non" argument. I was very clear that I (ME) would not accept a stay-at-home wife and you are crying about a woman that makes the choice? What is my business with other women making a choice as long as they arent my wife? who cares?

rosefleurs:

Who gives a flip if your mummy is the president of the World Bank or the Queen of Africa.  Arrogant jerkoff!

I didnt intend that you shld care either. Just contrasting real women with the pathologically lazy, shallow and empty headed demagogues that you represent.

rosefleurs:

I guaranty you, with your attitude you're just the kinda guy whose wife runs off with a co-worker. Dudes like you are advised to keep their wives in purdah, safely at home from interaction with other (nicer) men.

From experience i can guarantee you dont have a clue what you are talking about.

To be honest, I don't plan to ever spend a penny of my wife's money. It's just not my cup of tea to be spending a woman's money. If she wants to work, fine. If she doesn't want to work, equally fine. Our lifestyle and livelihood is not going to depend on her income. She can do what she likes with her money; I could care less. That's just the way I am oh. I guess I have a giant ego when it comes to providing for the family.

chaircover:

^^^^ Yes but have you stopped to consider how your wife may feel if you refuse her to spend any of her money on the home/you?

I would feel really bad if my husband had a project and he refused a penny of mine. I would feel that he didnt trust me, didnt feel comfortable enough with me to accept any money from me, didnt see me as part of the team and he just saw me as someone who had just come to chop his money.

I see your point. But women are tricky devils! If you spend her money, she will constantly remind you of that fact and before long, you're condemned to washing her undies forever! I'll admit before you say it that I have ego issues. I am just terrified of a woman thinking that because she has contributed 2 million to a 50 million project, she has earned the right to lay down the rules. Besides she can spend her money on small stuff for the kids if she likes. I just don't want her spending her money on me except for the occasional gift.

Now, if, God forbid, something happens and I lose all my money, then I might consider it. But as long as I am able and sufficient, she can keep her money or go use it to buy gold jewelry for herself.

.

I think you too should be yourself, all these talks about watching a woman, be yourself so she can make the right decision too that being said all responsible women look for security. women look for a man who will provide for them and their kids. we all know no finance no provision that does not make any woman a gold digger. I see you said she has been monitoring your career growth closely na wa o. Doesnt she have her own career to monitor? but she cares to know wahts going on in your life and see the way you put it. Best of luck.