@Flashaldrin

losing interest? i doubt that, but like i said, i would love to hear from her. she once told me if this relationship ends up not working, she won't enter into any new one until she's settled career wise (funny statement to me)

@Idowuogbo

I am not the type that would force himself on a woman, i love my time not being wasted so i got no time to waste either.

@udemzy_udex

4 days ago, i told her PLAINLY that i ain't no mind reader that if she does not open up, i won't be able to "help" her.

@rosefleurs

Asking her to take the driver's seat once in 5 years now makes me a TYRANT? wonders shall never end, what do you women really want? first i was doing it alone, i was told i act too bossy, now i said please do it while i support, i am now being called a tyrant? how did you arrive at that?



@pendo89

The bolded you quoted, i hope you saw the rest of the post and why i decided to act "bossy'? why leave out the rest of the post just to concentrate on your pre-intent? i became "bossy" (more blunt in my own word) about a month ago because she does not take what i say in "friendly" or not serious way serious. she thinks this is just a relationship, i am no lab rat where she would want to learn how relationship work on, i don't hide things and i expect her not to hide either, i told her open up if i ain't acting the way you want me to.

Lastly, i think she's afraid of running the show, she thinks i know too much and always watches what she say while we are together, i have told her to always talk no matter what but then me too dey "realistic" and hardly "keep quiet" when you are saying things that sound like a "fairy tale" talk lol (u know how una woman dey daydream like u want a loving home, loving kids and a loving husband, yet you want to work 8am-9pm in ur youthful or early marriage stage?), who does she think is going to make all these things work if all her daily time is just on her alone?

Pendo, i don't own her o and i won't "die" if she decides to leave, what i always tell her is to make sure u leave something tangible and valuable when leaving anyone or anywhere so as to be remembered for something, i am an influence in her life and i am glad i did my part because most of what she knows about relationship and life in general, i taught her and i am glad she's proud of that.

freshcvv:


@pendo89
 
  The bolded you quoted, i hope you saw the rest of the post and why i decided to act "bossy'? why leave out the rest of the post just to concentrate on your pre-intent? i became "bossy" (more blunt in my own word) about a month ago because she does not take what i say in "friendly" or not serious way serious. she thinks this is just a relationship, i am no lab rat where she would want to learn how relationship work on, i don't hide things and i expect her not to hide either, i told her open up if i ain't acting the way you want me to.

  Lastly, i think she's afraid of running the show, she thinks i know too much and always watches what she say while we are together, i have told her to always talk no matter what but then me too dey "realistic" and hardly "keep quiet" when you are saying things that sound like a "fairy tale" talk lol (u know how una woman dey daydream like u want a loving home, loving kids and a loving husband, yet you want to work 8am-9pm in ur youthful or early marriage stage?), who does she think is going to make all these things work if all her daily time is just on her alone?

Pendo, i don't own her o and i won't "die" if she decides to leave, what i always tell her is to make sure u leave something tangible and valuable when leaving anyone or anywhere so as to be remembered for something,  i am an influence in her life and i am glad i did my part because most of what she knows about relationship and life in general, i taught her and i am glad she's proud of that.

you know we are all speculating so we may or may not be correct.She is the only one who knows what her problem is.
You know,I feel a coldness when I read your post. How and why doesnt she take what you say in a less serious way serious? Girls love funny guys ,guys who are not tense, tough and rigid.
I wish instead of making a 180 degree turn,you had just become a lil serious and less bossy. You did a complete overhaul instead,resulting in your becoming a stranger in her eyes.There's a way a guy can be firm without acting bossy.
If you are Firm bordering on controlling,what happens is, the inside of the girl dies and she becomes a zombie always agreeing without input or objection.
She fears crossing your path cz uv cultivated this 'I don't have time for nonsense template in her mind'

See the part in bold? that is reason for your acting. You know it all,you taught her,you don't take nonsense ,you have your rules but has she even given you reason to justify your  'just another relationship' claim?
Are you speeding here? take her slow and shake yourself up a bit.Be firm in a gentle loving way not scary. This girl's mind is still trying to find itself in this relationship.

2 words of advice from me.

>Don't assume that you know her cz you do not.Even husbands don't fully know their wives since it's a continual process like perfection.
>Stop thinking on her behalf.You cannot enter her mind and rule out things cz a girl's mind at times is like a Cargo plane.Full of excess baggage.

Can you give her space to think things over and see what she comes back with?  This is to avoid you wasting time with somebody whose mind is not in you.

^^^

I don't think i know if i said i know totally, but what i know is that i know her to know that she "rarely" lie (not to my face yet), so when she said "its not the relationsip" i must believe her until proven otherwise.

I don't assume either, because i have told her i ain't a mind reader and wouldn't want to assume, hence the reason i have wanted her to speak out.

changing 180 degree? well not really, i have been like this, just that i made it more blunt this time around. most times when i talk, she just watches and then holds me and sometimes she says " you aint smiling lol", she's delicate to me but at the same time, i ain't gonna out of sympathy and care throw myself into a pitiable state.

@OP Her emotions are getting diverted- SURELY.

I smell a dejavu in your case, i was 23, she was 18. met her when she was 15.

She finds it difficult to completely open up to you, she definitely respects you a lot to great deal, and tends to see a "father like figure in you".

About her emotions diversification, i sense a great guy(pardon me) at the root of the matter, this guy is doing a yeo mans job winning her heart and making her confuse, and possibly making her rethink if probably she needs to keep the relationship with you slightly open. The other guy is possibly 1 or 2 years older, with lots of youthful vibrancy, and unfotunately she finds it easier to express herself with him.

The father like figure she sees in you (she respects you too much, ) is what you have to deflate. Offer her less of tough love, and come up with more sweet nothing, romantic fairy tale(be more emotional than logical).

Dont bother to ask her to tell you what is wrong again, just sound bubbly and cheerful as you haven't in time past

^^^^

Thanks a great deal, no more 'serious' talk until further notice, my seriousness (i think) is scaring her

If she likes, let another man woo her, that's how all new things look, when she gets closer, she's going to spot the difference with time, can't fight or force her her to love me, it has to come natural.

freshcvv:

@rosefleurs

  Asking her to take the driver's seat once in 5 years now makes me a TYRANT? wonders shall never end, what do you women really want? first i was doing it alone, i was told i act too bossy, now i said please do it while i support, i am now being called a tyrant? how did you arrive at that?

Don't take it to heart o.  I am just saying, be the same guy she knows and don't impose too quick a change.  You said you told her she had to take the reins in the relationship.  For what? 

Take it easy o.  No one here knows the answer.  Least of all the angry men telling you there's another man on the side.   I hope it workd out for you two kids. 

^^^

Two kids? a 23 years old is never a kid (woman) either is someone about 5 yrs that age a kid too.

Perspectives, bro, perspectives. You don't know how old I am, do you, old man? Better? If you love her, I hope it works out. That's all I got, old man.

^^

Thanks, but you do not call "adults" kids no matter how old you are, especially when they are not related to you.

Do something different. Take her out, give her a treat. Talk about it. If no positive respond, check ur time, ur busstop might be close by.

Exponental:

Do something different. Take her out, give her a treat. Talk about it. If no positive respond, check ur time, ur busstop might be close by.

Well no time for that because she comes home very late every working days and only have Saturdays and Sundays for her domestic chores and personal stuffs. we also live far away from eachother for now, though working towards living closer to her (new accommodation), but then her job's still going to be in the way.

All I can say is that you didn't come here for advice but you want us to agree with what you feel. . .

Many said watch out, there is another guy around the corner but ur saying no. . .

We myt all be wrong, but do not erase the fact that we may be right

Fresh wot exactly is d point of dis thread? U coming off defensive to every post,Do u need us to comment and not point out ur flaws? U have answer for everything,tbh u not potraying yourself in a good way at all,chill some posts actually holds value.

kpolli:

All I can say is that you didn't come here for advice but you want us to agree with what you feel. . .

Many said watch out, there is another guy around the corner but ur saying no. . .

We myt all be wrong, but do not erase the fact that we may be right

Read closely, you would see that i am ONLY giving answers to some suggestions because they already have answers, but those without answers, i take and those needing to be applied, i also took, check well, i am responding to remove any assumptions from anyone commenting.

Idowuogbo:

Fresh wot exactly is d point of dis thread? U coming off defensive to every post,Do u need us to comment and not point out ur flaws? U have answer for everything,tbh u not potraying yourself in a good way at all,chill some posts actually holds value.

Defensive or saying things the way they are? when someone said i was being bossy, i recommended she read some of the OP post to know when the bossy part started, nothing like being defensive here, i am just trying to remove wide assumptions from people's mind.

My flaws how? when anyone mention anything that looks like a flaw, i explain myself and give reasons, how does that make me defensive? if you checked my comments very well, you'd see that i took alot of them important and i acknowledged some too, but don't expect me to let wide assumptions fly without setting the records straight.

Are you a perfectionist? you know people who have principles and laws that must be followed to the book?
I admire one thing in you. Attention to details.you are not leaving anything out,no room for assumptions.
You sound like a colonel in the army (jks) but I am assuming you are smart with no time to waste.
That attribute is good but it has its own disadvantages. A relationship becomes an institution with a domineering partner and one who burns inside.
Again I said we are only speculating so pardon and excuse us when we pass wrong judgement.

^^^

Maybe i am, i have problems with seeing things placed in "wrong places", i like my things put back to wherever they were taken from.

I also do not like "no" for an answer, i like when you give me reasons why you are saying no.

I love to have a long conversation and like to be challenged "brain-wise", it becomes boring when all you say is "below" standard. ( i have issues here and i think this is one of the things she's afraid of when we engage in a chat), i am bit "vast" in general knowledge but she's the type who loves to listen and hardly say anything, sometimes i let her know I AM NO RADIO.

She loves Indian film alot, you know how Indian men "die" for their women, but i love action films where a woman is TOLD you're boring if she is. (opposite right?)

When she's dreaming, i am living the dream, i wake her up from Cinderella world with "blunt" words, maybe all these is making her uncomfortable opening up or chatting with me?

I am also the "argumentative" type (working on this though) and she can't stand arguments, but when she's talking and i keep quiet, she thinks she has offended me

I don't just know, maybe i am doing something wrong, just like someone said, i am going to reverse a bit to what i was doing before, also do most of the talking just like before,

Thank you soo much. You spoke my mind. You two are like North and South poles. There's no common ground at all. Why did you decide to date her if you knew she was like that?

Well I will tell you not from theory but experience.I am a perfectionist! I place something somwhere and I want to find it there because I hate searching so much. I love saying time is precious and searching wastes time,so everybody that knows me knows my biggest form of stress.'Search'
I hate disorder! at times I find myself arranging other people's stuff cz I want to see neatness and a tidy place. And what is worse? I can leave you conversing to yourself if you don't make sense or are not well versed in a number of basic issues. I love talking about anything,anywhere and anytime.That means I love being in the company of like minded people to keep my mind busy.
Why am I telling you this? cz I am trying to wear your shoes not speak from the fence like I did earlier.

Now Fresh when this behaviour becomes excessive, it acquires another name called Obsession.And if you must do it without rest or break it becomes compulsive.It's mentaly and emotionally draining.
Now you understand when I said,your personalities clash.Know why? Becz you are trying to make her do what you do,think like you think, and talk like you talk.
That pressure is unbearable to somebody who doesn't see things the same way you do.And no two people are the same you know.

What to do? You have the problem not her! so kindly give her some breathing space and allow her to be herself. Tell yourself that she is different and can never ever be you.
Start by accepting that you cannot change a grownup.You will only succeed in breaking them not building. Now I think she loves you too much to tell you that you are overbearing and the more you continue being 'overbearing' (am not using bossy), the further you push her away.

Relationships are about compatibility and in life I discovered there's always somebody smarter,dumber,better than myself. So I try to accomodate all without expecting them to change so as to fit in my life,It cannot happen.Try not to make it happen either.
Your 'weakness' can be a strength if u accept others not change them.

Finally, if you find it very hard to accept her personality then you have only one option and you know it.

oh and one more thing.
Do not hate and heap too much blame on yourself.That is your personality and she also has the challenge of accepting you just as you are.
But seeing you are the more dominant partner,take it upon yourself to tone down a bit for the sake of this relationship if you truly love her.

Good luck

OP,

You are a joke. You think you know your woman so much. . . . . . . .the truth is you don't.

You don't want her to work 9 to 5. Have you bothered to find out what exactly she wants? If she wants to work or run a business? or become a house wife? You want to impose your opinion and you think things will remain the same?

And don't think you are the only guy around her, she might not be cheating but she would have people (guys and girls) talking to her. Your opinion or views are not the only views she is exposed to. She's getting older and she's beginning to discover herself.

And don't think that she can't walk away from the relationship because of the time you have been together or because other people know about the relationship. Ending a relationship and starting a new one is not a big deal at all.

You seem to think you have some sort of advantage over her, i am sorry for you. She's smarter than you think.

pendo89:

Thank you soo much. You spoke my mind. You two are like North and South poles. There's no common ground at all. Why did you decide to date her if you knew she was like that?

Well I will tell you not from theory but experience.I am a perfectionist! I place something somwhere and I want to find it there because I hate searching so much. I love saying time is precious and searching wastes time,so everybody that knows me knows my biggest form of stress.'Search'
I hate disorder! at times I find myself arranging other people's stuff cz I want to see neatness and a tidy place. And what is worse? I can leave you conversing to yourself if you don't make sense or are not well versed in a number of basic issues. I love talking about anything,anywhere and anytime.That means I love being in the company of like minded people to keep my mind busy.
Why am I telling you this? cz I am trying to wear your shoes not speak from the fence like I did earlier.

Now Fresh when this behaviour becomes excessive, it acquires another name called Obsession.And if you must do it without rest or break it becomes compulsive.It's mentaly and emotionally draining.
Now you understand when I said,your personalities clash.Know why? Becz you are trying to make her do what you do,think like you think, and talk like you talk.
That pressure is unbearable to somebody who doesn't see things the same way you do.And no two people are the same you know.

What to do? You have the problem not her! so kindly give her some breathing space and allow her to be herself. Tell yourself that she is different and can never ever be you.
Start by accepting that you cannot change a grownup.You will only succeed in breaking them not building. Now I think she loves you too much to tell you that you are overbearing and the more you continue being 'overbearing' (am not using bossy), the further you push her away.

Relationships are about compatibility and in life I discovered there's always somebody smarter,dumber,better than myself. So I try to accomodate all without expecting them to change so as to fit in my life,It cannot happen.Try not to make it happen either.
Your 'weakness' can be a strength if u accept others not change them.

Finally, if you find it very hard to accept her personality then you have only one option and you know it.

I spoke your mind? hmmm, anyways i wrote what i have been saying from page one in another way.

Thanks for the write ups,

From page one: I was in charge and she had no issues, became boring to me, her laid back was getting too boring, so this year, i suggested to her that i was going to take the passenger's seat while she takes the driver's seat, hell broke loose, she accuses me of leaving her alone to carry all the cross even though i told her i was going to contribute to whatever activities she brings,  2 months into it, it's BORING than before and nothing to add.

  What you're saying is that i should give her room to express herself which i just did for 2 months now, instead i am getting the 'accusation' from her. what exactly am i expected to do?

BTW: What do you do to a girl with no favorite activity? nothing really fancy her even the movies self same.


^^^^

@sharp man,

  If we didn't sit down to discuss what she wants to do and what kinda home she wants, how then did i know the kinda home she painted and her kinda job? don't jump on a moving car, try to read from the start so you don't get the wrong message or maybe say what has been discussed already.

You don't seem to get it.

Does she buy your idea of not working? I mean a regular job? You seem to want o impose your opinion and that's a big problem.

You have issues. . .  ego issues.

What you don't understand is that the girl is seriously thinking about the relationship and in case you don't know, there are great guys out there that will help her achieve her dreams if you won't help her.

She may be quiet but she is not silly.

By the way, i did not jump on a moving car. i read your first post, and i have also read other comments.

^^^

  Whether she buys the idea or not, what i asked her to do was to find out herself the cons and the pros, then let me know her stands,  she complained to me 3 times already about the 8-9 job, so in the first place, i don't think me telling her i won't put up with a woman of such mindset is the issue here.

  Not doing 8-9 job is not the only kinda of job in the world either did i tell her to be a sit at home woman.

I asked her a question which she's yet to give me answers to : you want a loving home, loving husband with well behaved kids, but you want to work 8-9 daily, how do you intend achieving this?

Yes i have ego issues and i know that, to bend me, you must give me reasons why i should bend, you don't say bend and i bend, nah far from it. i just like details.

freshcvv:

^^^

  Whether she buys the idea or not, what i asked her to do was to find out herself the cons and the pros, then let me know her stands,  she complained to me 3 times already about the 8-9 job, so in the first place, i don't think me telling her i won't put up with a woman of such mindset is the issue here.

  Not doing 8-9 job is not the only kinda of job in the world either did i tell her to be a sit at home woman.

I asked her a question which she's yet to give me answers to : you want a loving home, loving husband with well behaved kids, but you want to work 8-9 daily, how do you intend achieving this?

[b]Yes i have ego issues and i know that, to bend me, you must give me reasons why i should bend, y[/b]ou don't say bend and i bend, nah far from it. i just like details.

Leave that girl.

Stop forcing this thing cz ts really tiring the more you try to justify, Trust me when I say,you are not easy to deal with person.

Lemmei tell u what ur posts say about you

1. Too controlling
2. Imposing
3. Commanding
4. Smart intellectually not emotionally
5. Dont care
6. Self centred
7. Egoistic
8. You can't bend,take no or yes as answer unless there is proof,evidence,justification etc.

Again we are but speculating and all this is online. I can't add more.

Just date look for some girl who can deal with you.

So is this where Pendo left the fight for?

@pendo89

Take it easy, if we are to go by how we post on NL, everyone would be all you just listed.

If i was really the way you listed them, how then did she remain with me for 5 years? (3yrs dating)? the parts you keep ignoring is how it all started (when i was all smiley, jokes and "not too serious".) Anyways, here's not where i want to come and prove, rather i am here to know why what i noticed suddenly are like that.

lol chima.

freshcvv:

@pendo89
i am here to know why what i noticed suddenly are like that.

Fresh I think I finally found the answer. Please date a System's Analyst.
You are a complex individual in need of somebody to analyse you well and provide your desired answer.

You are a why,what,when,how,who,if, person. Not many people have that kind of grace.

^^^

Yes, i am the why,what,when,how,who,if kind person as you listed.

We are yet to talk about what is on her mind but she's doing most of the calling now, all the same, just like i have thought, it's not about the relationship because she's all WARMED up to me (phone).

Stop being so serious. Chill be fun. Dnt impose yourself. I notice u like being blunt, not necessary all d time in a rship. sometimes just be silly romantic. Learn to bring her down to earth in a less stern way.

Just tread carefully,but d best is to make sure ur in control,dont disturb her,let her b,since she feels u r going over the board,NB;'d one who loves less in the relationship controls it',from what av seen,it seems u r d one loving more.

@pendo, I'm so impressed with ALL your replies to this guy--so on point.

@Op, I honestly don't understand the purpose of this thread. Almost everyone on this thread has cautioned you about your attitude, but you just don't seem to be bothered, Re-read pendo's 1st post, I am 98%sure that is the story and then,the fate of your relationship.


If one could easily figure how egoistic you are with these few posts, then I honestly wonder what that chic is doing with you. You think you're the best thing to ever happen to this girl, but you are not! You think for her, you're interested in what you want for her and not what she wants?? What kinda man are you?

IMO, your girl will be better off without you. And I guess she's gradually realising that too. Being her first doesn't automatically make you her her best; you're probably an eye-opener to help her discover herself.

Also, you seem so confident that there is no other man catching her fancy( even though many posters have warned you about his too) and that you wouldn't be bothered if she decides to leave u. I ask again, why are you here?

Tbh, I feel so cold reading your posts. No breathing space for posters at all - huge turn-off!

N.B- I noticed this attitude of yours on a thread in d family section too 'how do career mums cope with marriage' or sth by hbabe.

@OP:

After reading this, I have been thinking bout some things,  You talk about all this with what is wrong with her bla bla bla,  But the lack of one very important question is missing:

Are you(!!!!) sure that she(!!!) is the right girl for you You have not written one positive word about her, only negative, What is so great about her anyway??

@andromida

Started this again this morning and i am glad it's working.

@Dynamique

Thanks, noted.

@JumGurl

Well nothing good comes easy, if there was no "clash", then i should be worried, there were times we never had arguments for a very long time (when we just started for like 3yrs), i was afraid something wasn't right lol. but all the same, i feel and believe she's the right girl.


@StateOfMind

For me to defend her (being faithful and trustful), isn't that a positive aspect of her? the thread was actually not opened to discuss her cons and pros, rather the changes i discovered which is being laid to rest already, been asking her some silly and random questions which has been helping gradually (she's all laugh now)

for a very long time now, she has agreed to talk tonight (not call) but i am yet to call