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Untitled Fiction - Literature - Nairaland

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Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 8:40pm On May 16, 2012
Hey nairalanders,

Just thought i should put my hands on something here since i joined...
i am going to be writing a story maybe a novel totally fiction,i am hoping to start very soon and i have rules.

-please do not derail this thread in any kinda way.
-please critics and critiques are entertained.
-i prefer writing but now i have to type so there's going to lots of typos ,but please bear with me.

other rules that might come up as times goes on

Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 9:43pm On May 16, 2012
As she stepped into the office building,she started to wonder what was happening,the gate-man was not at his post..
'maybe he has fallen ill today AGAIN' she thought.

'I am soon going to fire his sorry ass'
she got to the reception and the receptionist wasn't there too neither were the cleaners doing their jobs.

'where the hell is everybody?'she said out loud. Feeling strange,she walked towards the staircase,fumbling through her bag for her phone,she called the receptionist,she was ready to fire all her workers if need be...

As the phone gave the dialing tone in her ears,she said out loud.'mass incompetence??!,no way am i taking that'!.
And then she heard the phone company's voice..'the number you are dialing is not picking....' She pressed the red button on her blackberry without waiting for the voice to finish its sentence.

She mounted the stairs,pinging everyone who was her staff on her BBM list...all the cubicles were empty,no one was replying her pings.
She got to the last floor,walking to her office,her secretary wasn't there too...

'what the hell is happening?' she muttered aloud,inserting the key in her door,bending the doorknob she entered her office.
And then she heard a loud and deafening 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY,BOSS'

8 Likes 1 Share

Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 10:32pm On May 18, 2012
55 views nd no one is commenting....dis is so discouraging
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 10:45pm On May 18, 2012
'you've got to be kidding me' she said aloud..

the whole place was filled with balloons,flowers,gifts and then there was this large cake on her table,everyone at work knew that their boss had a weakness for cakes. With all eyes on her,she walked over to d cake,purring over it.

'My oh my!!' she said
'i dont know what to say' she said,turning away from her cake and facing the beaming and smiling faces.
'thank you everyone' she said aloud.
'Ok i guess i can say let the party begin'
And then her office became lively again, with her co-workers hugging her,wishing her well

45 mins later,they were out of her office,d cleaners were in,cleaning the place.
She couldn't stop smiling to herself,she hadn't even remembered that it was her birthday.

Looking at what was left of her cake,she picked a slice,savoring the taste.

''What a splendid birthday'' she said aloud.
Just then the intercom buzzed

'Yea' she answered.
'Your 10 o'clock wants to know if the meeting will still hold?' her secretary asked.
Glancing at her wristwatch,she replied ''sure it will'
'Are you done typing the report?' she asked.
'Yes,i am' the secretary answered.
'Come in,lets go over it.' she said,hanging up the phone

'Back to work,birthday gal' she said smiling to herself.


Re: Untitled Fiction by Hoyeenz(f): 11:07am On May 19, 2012
Plz continue, I luv t...... Dnt b dscouraged.

1 Like

Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 2:32pm On May 19, 2012
Hoyeenz: Plz continue, I luv t...... Dnt b dscouraged.
Re: Untitled Fiction by Hoyeenz(f): 9:10pm On May 19, 2012
welcome, plz continue..
Re: Untitled Fiction by Mynd44: 11:30am On May 20, 2012
If you keep writing so that people can praise you then you might be disappointed. Just keep doing what you do you can never know who is reading in secret


Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 10:12am On May 21, 2012
He walked into the garage,glancing back every 5 seconds to see if he was being followed. He doubted if he would be followed though,today was his boss's birthday,no one would notice if he wasn't in his office.

the thought of his boss had his prick stretching, she was undoubtedly hot and he kept hoping and praying that one day,she will notice him and his love for her.

He hoped she would appreciate d gift he had dropped amongst the other ones in her office, Because he had taken time to shop for that gift.

His thoughts drifted back to why he had been called by his superiors for an urgent meeting at the location where he was. He was getting used to the normal life,almost forgetting that he was an officer whose job was to kill for a secret group.

A limousine pulled up beside him,d rear window went down and then he heard that voice that sends shivers down his spine.it was THE BOSS. He had arranged that they meet although he didn't know why.

''Good morning officer'' the boss greeted.

''Good morning sir' he replied.

''i have got a very simple assignment for you and that assignment must be completed before the end of today. Your boss is 27 today and it marks the end of her stay on earth...''

''Am sorry sir,but am......''

''Oh officer! Do i need to spell it out for you?..fine i will if u need me to..kill her!''

''But sir, she hasn't been on our list not ever before, why should she be eliminated?.'' he asked

''I expect a status report by 9pm, have a nice day officer''

the automatic window went up and the limousine drove away.

1 Like

Re: Untitled Fiction by Mynd44: 10:21am On May 21, 2012
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 8:59am On May 22, 2012
Rising up,marking d end of her 10 o'clock meetin. She stretched her hand forward for a handshake

''Thank you very much,Mr Charles''

''Its a pleasure doing buisness with you,Miss Teniola.''

''Hoping to see you very much around.''

''Sure'' he replied,picking up his briefcase.

''Have a nice day'' Teniola said

''You too''. Charles replied,stepping out of the office.

Teniola sat back in her chair,today was going well so far,it was her birthday,she had a surprise mini-party,she just closed a deal with a very huge advertising company. Her day was going well.

Being the head of an advertising agency was not easy. 2 years in the buisness and she was moving so fast dat she couldnt even breathe.

She remembered when she started,there were lots of discouragement,first came the gender issue,den came the financial aspect,den came d competition aspect which was the part where ''females could not handle'' as said by her dad.
But she loved competition,infact dats what keeps the firm going,thats wat keeps her going.

She felt she had everything in life,but her mom wldnt stop rubbing d 'marriage' issue in. D fuss about marriage she cldnt understand. Anytime she thought '' marriage'',d word ''bondage'' was always tagging along.

Anyways she would not bother herself wit ''bondage'' thoughts. The day was stil going splendidly well to be ruined by ''bondage'' thoughts.

She pressed the intercom

''Yes boss,'' the voice on the other line said.

''Evelyn,Get me michael'' teniola said.

''Alright ma'' Evelyn,her secetary replied.

1 Like

Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 6:13pm On May 24, 2012
D clock on her table said 5pm,it was closing time but she usually loved to stay back,finish paperworks nd do some meditation.

But today was her birthday and she could not be doin paperwork,she had to go sumwhere or probably go home and sleep.

Just then her phone rang.

''Hello simi'' Teniola said

''Birthday girl,how are you doing?' Simi replied.

''Am fine,enjoying my day'' Teni said.

''You call staying in your office after-hours on ur birthday enjoyment?''.

''Whatever Simi,not every1 can jump around like you'.

'OK,am outside,parked in front of your office,dont persuade me to kome in cos am nt taking d steps since u av refused to install an elevator.'' Simi complained

''Climbing the stairs is good exercise,Simi''

''At some minutes to 6pm,Gal,am in no mood for any exercise,just get the hell down here and lets hit a club''

''A club??Simi!!!..You no i dont do tings like that.....''

''Am waiting'' Simi said,ending the call.

'Oh God...save me from dis devil kalled Simi' she muttered aloud,clearing the table and grabbing her bag. She switched off all the lights and walked over to the staircase.

Little did she know that there was a shadow creeping after her.

1 Like

Re: Untitled Fiction by Fejok01(f): 7:28am On May 25, 2012
Beautiful story.Can u please continue?
Re: Untitled Fiction by Luckygurl(f): 9:54pm On May 25, 2012
At poster I'm so luving dis story.Don't kip us waiting d suspence is nt gud on me.Three gbosas 4 U!! Gbosa!!! Gbosa!!!! Gbosa!!!!!


Re: Untitled Fiction by EfemenaXY: 5:08pm On May 26, 2012
Hello Gentiejag,

Some constructive critism here for you: Why not type out the words in full and in standard English? It can be tiresome having to read paragraphs of abbreviated sentences / words. I'm sure your storyline is good but I got discouraged after reading the first couple of lines.

Put in more effort to address the typographical errors. It's not good enough to simply mention that they'll be there and yet you do nothing to correct them. I think that's a lazy approach.

You might find it helpful to first type out your story in a Word Document, then use the spell checker to correct any errors before cutting and pasting the story here. I'm sure you'll get more comments from your readers if you do so.

Hope this helps.

1 Like

Re: Untitled Fiction by dominique(f): 5:19pm On May 26, 2012
i'm loving the story, its one of my my favourite genres- suspense. i have to say i didn't like the opening post. i felt like the charecters weren't properly introduced. you'll have to do better in potraying the hero(s) and the villan(s) as the story commences.
keep it comming. but if you have any intention of publishing it in future, don't post it all here. the story has lots of potentials wink
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 5:47pm On May 26, 2012
Thank u very much guys...its good to no pple lyk it..i will try and correct the abbreviations but am already kinda used to it..ill try though. D word document tingi kant really work because am typing from my fone.

Re: Untitled Fiction by StateOfMind: 5:50pm On May 26, 2012
Subscribing smiley smiley
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 9:35pm On May 26, 2012
All she heard was a loud bang on her head and next was darkness.

He pushed her body down the stairs,she rolled down the first flight of stairs,rolled her down the second flight and then the third.

He was sure she would be dead by now,she felt her neck for a pulse,he ddn't feel one,he gave her a sharp kick in the ass. Crossing over her body,he walked away.
Simi was wondering what the hell was taking her so long. When did taking 3 flight of stairs have to take over 30 minutes.

She walked over to the entrance of the building, she was about stepping in when someone pushed her down.

''Are you blind?'' she screamed.

The fellow did not even look back, he ran into the road, and then she heard a loud bang. Simi looked onto the road and there was the fellow who had rushed out, lying on the road, blood oozing profusely out of his head.

He was undoubtedly dead.

1 Like

Re: Untitled Fiction by EfemenaXY: 10:48pm On May 26, 2012
^^ Now this bit [b]is [/b]good.

If you go back and make the corrections to the earlier bits of your story, I promise you I'll read it all.

Well done girl smiley
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 8:46pm On May 28, 2012
''O my God'' Simi screamed.

Turning left and right,totally confused on what to do. The driver who hit the man had run away.

How was she supposed to get help?. Infact what was she doing here

'i was here so i could go out with teniola....' she muttered aloud.

''Teniola!!'' she screamed, running into the building, she turned towards the staircase. She felt her leg hit something fleshy and then she fell.

Standing up hurriedly,she looked back to see what was the cause of her fall. And then she saw Teniola lying in the pool of her own blood.

Blood made her feel dizzy, the smell and the colour could make her faint.
But now was not the time to faint,she searched for her phone in her bag,she was shaking,she could not find it. She poured all the contents of the bag on the floor and then she saw her phone tumble out.
Picking it up with shaky hands,she dialled the emergency number.

'This is the government helpline,how can we help you?' the voice at the other end said.

''I need an ambulance at Blossom advertising agency now'' Simi said in a tearful voice.

''Ok,madam,calm down, we will be right there.

''Be fast please'' she said.

Slowly with her eyes closed, she felt Teniola's neck for a pulse,she didn't feel anything.

Tears rushed down her eyes.

''Teniola,don't die now'' she wailed.

And then she stretched her hand again feeling her neck and there it was, a very faint pulse.

1 Like

Re: Untitled Fiction by dominique(f): 6:39pm On May 29, 2012
your writing is getting better with every post. keep it coming dear smiley
Re: Untitled Fiction by dirahm: 3:21am On May 30, 2012
Lovely piece of wrk u hv here! I'm a writer & l can see you'r a natural. These are just a few useful points from me:
-Like someone said earlier, try as much as posible nt 2 abbreviate. Gives d reader extra wrk.
-Try 2 avoid writing d way u speak.ie informally. Yes, the conversations cld b informal but not d body.
Carry on! Good job.
Re: Untitled Fiction by Nobody: 11:11pm On May 31, 2012
This is really gud I must confess; u've got a gud story line. Don't get tired of dis project pls, it might seem difficult n impossible nw, bt I'm most certain it's definitely gona pay-off someday. Pls keep it coming, I'm enjoyiny it. Many thanks!
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 5:27pm On Jun 01, 2012
The ambulance came and took Teniola away. Simi sat beside her throughout the ride to the hospital. Teniola was ''hanging by a thread'', that was what the medical personnel had said.

''Oh God,please don't let her die'' Simi muttered.

They got to the hospital and Teniola was carried out. As they headed towards the operating room, Simi was asked to stay back, It was then it occured to her to call Teniola's mum.
After the operation which was successful,the family trooped in to see Teniola.

Teary-eyed sleepless people filed into her room.

Teniola's mum walked up to her bedside and held her hands while Simi watched on.

''How are you feeling?'' her mum asked.

No answer. Teni just looked on, Her mom panicked,she had been told how fatal her fall was, she had also been told the type of complications that could occur.

''Is she dumb?'' the mom asked looking at the doctor.

''Hmm...lets not conclude yet..she is stil recovering. By tomorrow, we would know if dere has been any complications''

''Ok'' her mum replied, tears filling her eyes.

Just then,Teni moved her lips. The doctor moved closer,trying to pick out what she was saying.

Teniola coughed a little and then a little louder,she said,
''Who are you people?''

And then her mother started her tears afresh.

Teniola obviously had one of the complications the doctors had told her mom.

She had memory loss.
Re: Untitled Fiction by xquisitevivy: 3:29pm On Jun 06, 2012
Nice storyline,kp it up.
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 5:59pm On Jun 08, 2012
The boss had been calling michael's number for the past two days,there was no response, 'this boy is messing with me'he thought.
He paced around his office, Teniola had to die, it was necessary, it was mandatory, she had to die!!!
He had seen the look on micheal's face when he was asked to kill his boss. Michael had broken a fundamental rule of the job, he had fallen for his boss.
''Idiot!'' he muttered aloud.
Whatever hole micheal was hiding,he was going to fish him out. Nobody messes with him and gets away with it.
Luckily for Teniola,all she had was temporary memory loss. Six months after she was okay although she still had to pay frequent visits to the physical therapist. A lot of persuasion and begging was what was still keeping her at home as she felt she was ready to get back to work.
She remembered everything now except for that horrible night that marked her 27th birthday.
Re: Untitled Fiction by stokolie(m): 5:39pm On Jun 09, 2012
u've got a good story,
don't stop now..
Re: Untitled Fiction by avicky(f): 9:39pm On Jun 11, 2012
Wow! Thumbs up for you!
Bravo! More ink to your pen.
Good storyline, great suspense.
Keep it up!
Please keep it coming, because this suspense has arrested me.
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 6:21pm On Jun 16, 2012
Teniola stood in front of the building, the building which was her office complex, the building where all her strength and sweat for the past few years had gone into,the building where she had been attacked.

Simi standing beside her asked
''Are you okay?''
''I will be'' she replied.
''You know if you can't do this today, you can always come back some other time'' Simi added.
''If i do not do this now simi, I never will'' she said, walking into the building.
The boss sat down staring at his door, The boys he had sent to look for Michael had come back with a report.

Micheal was dead,knocked down by an hit and run driver.

''Stupid,foolish boy'' he muttered aloud. Micheal had been killing before now, and then to kill his boss had caused his death. He had even heard that Teniola had not died.

''Clumsy bastard'' he muttered aloud again.

He could not even get Micheal's body, he was probably buried already. And if he was not buried yet,he could not be combing cementaries around for him, that would be total waste of resources.

''Rest in peace,Micheal' he said aloud.
Re: Untitled Fiction by stokolie(m): 1:56pm On Jun 17, 2012
am waiting for next episode
Re: Untitled Fiction by Gentiejag(f): 5:08pm On Jun 23, 2012
Walking into her office did not feel the same,not only because of the way her workers were staring with eyes full of pity,but because in this same building where she had walked in for years and felt security,comfort and power. She now felt insecure,angry and powerless.
She sat in her chair and closed her eyes,praying that if there was still a God somewhere,he would pump her up with lots of redbull and powerhorse drinks that flowed straight from his throne because she sure needed lots of strength to keep going at this her workplace.

3 hours after she had called the diffferent departmental heads to give her a summary of what she had missed. She decided to call for a staff meeting. She pressed the intercom..
''Evelyn,get everyone in the boardroom for a brief meeting''
''Yes boss'' Evelyn replied.


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