I Am Staying - Family (2) - Nairaland
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She Bled On Her Wedding Night After Staying Away From Sex For Two Years / The Ordeal Of Staying With Your Uncle's Or Brother's Wife / Am Tired Of Staying With My Parents. (2) (3) (4)
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| Re: I Am Staying by aliyumd: 10:49pm On May 18, 2012 |
UMm |
| Re: I Am Staying by armyofone(m): 10:49pm On May 18, 2012 |
girl, you tried. i can't imagine living with someone i don't love not to talk of allowing him climb you for sXX not lovemaking (as you put it). maybe the day you find that juicy mango of your eyes, you would jet off. till then, let's play mate my husband  by the way, you can still love him. have you thought about you both seeing a counselor? have you thought of a nice romantic vacation just you two? do you watch romantic movies, visit romantic places etc they can make you wanna be in love and be loved. eat oyster and ton of it. |
| Re: I Am Staying by ifyalways(f): 10:56pm On May 18, 2012 |
Love is sometimes over rated.People miss out on goodies because they are waiting for some prince charming to come sweep them off their feet and "they live happily everafter" story. . . We know there is a fine difference between reality and fiction.Don't expect the "love spark" to remain and renew itself especially after tying the knots,you've got to keep working on it.You've decided to stay you said?Get off the WWW and go talk with your hubby.Unburden your heart to him,listen to his own part of the marriage burden and together u both would find a starting point again. |
| Re: I Am Staying by tpia5: 10:56pm On May 18, 2012 |
girl, you tried. i can't imagine living with someone i don't love not to talk of allowing him climb you for sXX not lovemaking (as you put it) i guess she just shut her eyes and thought of nigeria or europe or wherever. Or nairaland. maybe the day you find that juicy mango of your eyes I'm so sure the juicy mango is a nler? |
| Re: I Am Staying by coogar: 11:01pm On May 18, 2012 |
ifyalways: Love is sometimes over rated.People miss out on goodies because they are waiting for some prince charming to come sweep them off their feet and "they live happily everafter" story. . . love is not overrated, people just have a daft conception about it. "i must marry ifyalways cos she sponsored me through school". "i must marry nkiru cos she loves me" the question is do i love her? the fact that she's done favours for me or loves me does not mean i must love her back. matter of fact, it's the chic that gives me a hard time that i actually love. when nigerians stop marrying cos they are loved, the world would be a better place! 1 Like |
| Re: I Am Staying by dayokanu(m): 11:08pm On May 18, 2012 |
The concept of love is even an illusion If you know the number of girls loving Paddy Adenuga after seeing him on ovation and knowing how much he is worth The time I start seeing a female Bank MD loving and marrying a roadside mechanic then I would agree to the romatic concept of love wantintin A man would love a woman with big bumper and attack and not one with beard and leg muscle |
| Re: I Am Staying by coogar: 11:12pm On May 18, 2012 |
dayokanu: The concept of love is even an illusion love is not an illusion. i have known top executives who date men who are 2 or 3 tiers below them because of his sexual prowess. don't big women screw their houseboys, gatemen, gardeners, etc? |
| Re: I Am Staying by dayokanu(m): 11:14pm On May 18, 2012 |
coogar: Screwing doesnt equate to love. 50 men queue in front of an Ashi joint to screw one girl , Would you say they love her? Many guys and men screw their housegirls and I dont think they love them Love is supposed to result in marriage abi? How many of these execs marry their houseboys, gatemen and gardener Since this "love" is supposed to conquer all Human beings look more for compatibility and convenience |
| Re: I Am Staying by coogar: 11:17pm On May 18, 2012 |
dayokanu: women attach emotions to sex than men. most women would not screw who they don't love or have any sorta affection for. for whores, it's different. the reward is the money they earn from it. in a nutshell, a woman is capable of loving who she screws, not so for men! 1 Like |
| Re: I Am Staying by dayokanu(m): 11:23pm On May 18, 2012 |
coogar: women attach emotions to sex than men. That scenario when that woman shaggs her houseboy is just a show of her desires for physical fulfilment Why dont they consummate such relationships and turn it to marriage? And dont get it twisted A lot of women dont attach any affection or maybe develop the affections later on They look at how your profile matches the dream man they want and start from there. I'm sure Sade would say she loves Okoya now And Tell me how many women love Paddy Adenuga compared to A broke jobless guy of similar build to Paddy All those I love you in most cases na wash 3 Likes |
| Re: I Am Staying by dayokanu(m): 11:30pm On May 18, 2012 |
The same girl who doesnt love your broke ass while in school, Now sees you in suit a good paying job and a new car and remembers how much she loved you and can die for you, All na wash 1 Like |
| Re: I Am Staying by coogar: 11:31pm On May 18, 2012 |
dayokanu: afraid of what the society would think. nigeria is a crazy place. the moment they see a well to do woman running after someone who seems to be her microcosm, the tongue goes hyper. it must be because the woman is using his seeds to prosper her business. in other words, such relationships only thrive in the under-g mode!
do they? a woman in her early 20s has such options to chop n change! as she grows older, the options are limited and it soon turns into "anything goes".
broaden your horizon for a second and leave the naija scenery out of it. you don't see well-to-do caucasian females marrying men out of her own league? all those babes who go to africa to marry mgbeke african men are what? in the past 18 months, do you know the number of african american women(less than 30) that have flown to naija to find their missing rib? what are those men offering them apart from their rugged john thomases? dayo, leave story. na only naija women dey look levels. that poverty mentality has eaten deep into their marrows. |
| Re: I Am Staying by livapul86(m): 11:43pm On May 18, 2012 |
For goodness sake, after 12 years? No love? Please I need a PhD definition of the type of love you desire. The stories that emanate from marriages these days, gets WORSE every time I come on this forum. |
| Re: I Am Staying by dayokanu(m): 11:44pm On May 18, 2012 |
Of all women in the world its probaly only African American women who dont look at your class before marriage and this is directly linked to the social status of the men. Many are in jail, a lot dont go to college, A few of the correct ones marry outside their race so the women options are very limited Thats why they do that. If you notice the way AA women usually hate when a black dude marries a non black Caucasians women mostly marry people on their same social level and not only Nigerians marry for social status I think indians are worse Many of them don't even make their own choices, their families make it for them, Before a guy can be approved, His caste, family history social status and most importantly bank accounts are scrutinized, they pointedly tell you to send your bank statements for verification of assets. My colleagues at work Indians, The concept of marrying for love is actually strange to them, When i told them we Nigerians mostly choose our wives and marry on our will they were stunned. Like 3 of my Indians colleagues now have sent their parents on search mission for their partners. So where is the love in this situation? |
| Re: I Am Staying by moremi2008(m): 11:46pm On May 18, 2012 |
@ OP, it sounds like you have an unforgiving spirit. Your husband hurt you long ago but you haven't been able to forgive him completely yet. You have swept your hurt and pain under the rug, and have locked it up in a room that's deep within your heart that nobody else has access to. This bitter hurt is poisoning your marriage and standing in the way of your happiness. That you have held on to this hurt this long means that it's pretty serious and nothing that's said on here is going to do very much for you. What you need is some kind of catharsis, an event or conversation that will bring out the hurt into daylight, and allow you to ACTUALLY deal with it once and for all. If this doesn't happen, then I am afraid that your marriage is not going to get better. There's a giant gulf between you and your husband that must be bridged. If you're the spiritual type, then you need to attack this spiritually with prayer and fasting. If you're abroad, then you need to hire a good therapist that'll help you work through your issues. Either way, it isn't fair to you or to your husband to suffer through a cold, loveless marriage when you both could be doing so much better! 2 Likes |
| Re: I Am Staying by coogar: 11:50pm On May 18, 2012 |
dayokanu: Of all women in the world its probaly only African American women who dont look at your class before marriage and this is directly linked to the social status of the men. yes, the race card they often wave to every issue comes into play. if a white player tackles a black player, trust the aa woman to shout racism!
same poverty mentality i was talking about! what's the difference between india and nigeria? the slums of mumbai make ajegunle looks like malibu.
same as nigerians. na poverty mentality! they don't want to join issues with the dregs of the society so it's imperative for them to know which caste and the social history of the groom. civilization refused to flush that part out of their system.
shaking ma head. the cultural difference is shocking. i cannot for the life of me understand how grown men would leave the issue of marriage to their parents but then - such is life! |
| Re: I Am Staying by DukeNija(m): 11:53pm On May 18, 2012 |
ifyalways: Love is sometimes over rated.People miss out on goodies because they are waiting for some prince charming to come sweep them off their feet and "they live happily everafter" story. . .The best advice so far !!!  |
| Re: I Am Staying by dayokanu(m): 12:02am On May 19, 2012 |
coogar: Funny enough those marriages last longer than the so called marry for love. In marriage you learn to Like and adjust to your partners. Most of our grandparent didnt even meet their spouses till a few days till marriage, Even till now, A succesful man goes to his village and handpicks they prettiest girl he sees. and they learn to "love" (Which means adjust and accomodate). All those marry for love are those that have 13 divorces over the course of a lifetime. Check how many times Kim Kardashian has loved in her 30yrs of existence I think marriage goes beyond the emotion called love. Similar background, values and social status are what i would consider more important than love which is transient, A Graduate marries a graduate, Middle class family marry one another, villager marry Villager, IBB son marry Adenuga daughter yes, the race card they often wave to every issue comes into play. Topic for another day. Sure you cant exhaust it on here, Watch how they would link it to slavery, Malcolm X etc |
| Re: I Am Staying by coogar: 12:13am On May 19, 2012 |
dayokanu: adjust? fucck that!!!!
they lack the exposure then and that was dictated by the culture and the society. hell, they used middle men. women were virgins and would wait till the wedding night. things have changed now. with more options came more problems.
you call what she's got love? come on! that she said so doesn't mean that's what she feels.
cinderella wouldn't have found her prince if he applied the same method. come on - let people be free to choose which class to marry from. why should i be restricted to a particular class, race, age group, etc? i am marrying for me not for the entertainment of some family folks. |
| Re: I Am Staying by dayokanu(m): 12:17am On May 19, 2012 |
I bet its in your own interest to marry someone from a similar background Not someone used to having 200 maids take care of her in a mansion when she was young nor someone who thinks marriage to you is a way out of poverty |
| Re: I Am Staying by coogar: 12:23am On May 19, 2012 |
dayokanu: I bet its in your own interest to marry someone from a similar background dayo, there's room for courtship/relationship before the marriage, isn't it? that's enough time to smooth the rough edges. if she's untrainable, drop her and find another. similar background is rubbish. what's the fun in that? a man should put himself in a position to operate above his station or below his league. options options options. the more options you have, the more likely you would find the gem if you limit yourself to a cocoon, trust me - you won't go far. marriage is a life contract. i am not limiting myself to one yeye group only to realize later when i am 3 yrs into my marriage. |
| Re: I Am Staying by SkyRider1(m): 1:05am On May 19, 2012 |
dbisiback: Do not boarder with telling him,he knows already. I think you are doing great at 10 years. I pray something will soon pop up to set ya emotions on fire, producing the much needed LOVE. I advise you to give your husband Love selflessly without expectations and you shall receive Love abundantly. Even when he does not reciprocate, you at least will be fulfilled. |
| Re: I Am Staying by DukeNija(m): 1:17am On May 19, 2012 |
Ok i am going to say something. Madam there is a problem in your home(apparently), and the bad news is you are that problem. From all your statements, your husband has tried to get across to you, verbally or otherwise. But you have completely shut your heart. There is no way love can come into a heart that is shut. You believe that it is impossible to feel emotional intimacy with your husband again. And once this feeling is there, nothing can be done. You don't need a marriage Counsellor. I will recommend a book for you. It's titled " The Five Love Languages" By Dr. Gary Chapman. It has saved countless marriages, it could help yours. I have a copy, so you can get it from any Book Store(Motivational and religious). Secondly, You need Jesus. I can tell you succinctly, that you do not have him. When Jesus is in a life, the spirit of God(Holy-Spirit) can transform and renew you in an instant. God can put back his love in any marriage in a second. Adultery is a sin against God and your body. Seek the face of God, Confess to him and renew whatever relationship you had with him. God will give you a new heart. He said, "i will take away the heart of stone, and give you a new heart, a heart of flesh". God made marriage, and trust me, he never intended marriages to fail. Finally, Go back to your husband, and confess to him. Tell him about your adultery, and the lost love or non existent love. Tell him you want a change, tell him you believe in your marriage and will work to make things the way they ought to be. Pray together. Pray together. "A family that prays together, stays together". God bless you. 1 Like |
| Re: I Am Staying by Nobody: 2:26am On May 19, 2012 |
I'm sorry about your situation, OP. It cannot be easy to just walk away from a marriage because you don't love him when not much else is wrong. I have one doubt though, I find it hard to believe that you ever truly loved him at all. I think whatever happened 12 yrs ago made you realize you never loved him. It is just not that easy to stop loving someone that you have true love for IMO and it's unfathomable that you would not be able to forgive someone you love for something they did 12 yrs ago. That's why I'm not sure the advice to address what happened back then will be helpful to you. I think there is no love to rekindle, it was never really there. I think the only way is if he can stop doing the things that turn you off and if he can develop the qualities you desire in a man. I bet this is probably damn near impossible. A good marriage counselor I bet can quickly tell you if it can happen or not. I feel your pain though, everyone deserves marital bliss, not a boring, loveless, passionless, just okay marriage. But you are not alone. I know lots of people who can't marry who they love, so they marry who they are with. Unfortunate but not uncommon. |
| Re: I Am Staying by Nobody: 2:52am On May 19, 2012 |
Phew dbisi is truly back. Here I was thinking we've seen and read the last of you and your pathetic stories How wrong I was |
| Re: I Am Staying by cfours: 3:06am On May 19, 2012 |
this is a sad story but you are not alone. There are millions of couples around the world living in loveless marriages. yours is just one out of many. I will advice you to divorce him if it bothers you so much... |
| Re: I Am Staying by Nobody: 3:33am On May 19, 2012 |
ileobatojo: I'm sorry about your situation, OP. It cannot be easy to just walk away from a marriage because you don't love him when not much else is wrong. na this woman talk true pass. A woman who truly loves you will still find a sliver of affection for you regardless of what you did to her. My dear woman never loved her husband... she may have liked him but love? nah. |
| Re: I Am Staying by cfours: 3:41am On May 19, 2012 |
I don't think you read her post well. She just isn't romantically 'in love' with her husband. I'm sure she loves him as a friend/brother. remember she emphasized "se[size=1pt].[/size]x" a lot. I personally love my brother and platonic male friends but def. will feel disgusted to think about sex with them. my guess is that her husband cheated on her or betrayed her. that can kill romantic love pretty quick. and I'm sure a lot of men feel the same when they catch their wives cheating. the 'love' disappears. I would love to know her age because it really is very common that romantic love gradually disappears among middle aged and older couples/ or after child bearing. many just live like housemates or siblings. there is no romance in it. but I can imagine a younger woman will be bitter about living in that kind of marriage when she's still in her prime. or bitter about not having experienced romantic love in her marriage at all. |
| Re: I Am Staying by cfours: 3:54am On May 19, 2012 |
for those pitying the husband, for all we know, he may be having a dandy time thinking he's in a lovely marriage and absolutely oblivious of his wife's secret pain. @OP, I will say to you that in the latest literary novel I read with a plot very similar to your story, the woman in question commits suicide in the end. I truly hope that your story ending is the opposite of that. |
| Re: I Am Staying by jmoore(m): 8:10am On May 19, 2012 |
dbisiback: Communication is key, you should said the exact words I quoted above to your husband. |
| Re: I Am Staying by blacklion(m): 10:26am On May 19, 2012 |
dbisiback: Was this a one-night stand or an affair? Why did you not leave your husband for this man? 1 Like |
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