Every time I think about getting married, having a wife, and having a family - the fear of the unknown hits me like a hurricane.. I'm a perfectionist, and these three words always scare the hell out of me. I'm yet to see a perfect marriage, and I just can't imagine myself being locked into someone for the rest of my life. I love kids, and I want atleast four kids - as soon as I think I'm ready to be a dad, and I'm stable enough to raise them right.. But the wife part is scary...

The thought of living with the same girl for the rest of my life always make me tremble with fear, because I'm from the school of thought that - if you're willing to make a covenant in the presence of God, you have to obey it. Divorce is not in my dictionary, and if I ever get married - it's definitely "till death do us part." I kind of get bored of girls easily, except probably, the last girl I was in a serious relationship with.. She is the only girl I've ever lived with for months, and still feel attracted to - every time I see her.. The only girl I've ever been attracted to, immediately after having sex with her - guys should know what I'm on about.. I thought I had met the one girl, I would actually contemplate getting married to, and live happily ever after with - but we had our problems.. We were insanely attracted to eachother, but we argue and fight all the time - and the fights usually get physical, and crazy.. She's gone now, and I'm back to the old me.. I'm questioning marriage again - I'm confused about family - and having a wife is sounding scary to me again..

Everyone around is getting married.. Parents are asking me about when I'll finally bring their future in-laws to the yard.. Friends are asking me about the girl I'll finally settle down with... Pressure is coming from everywhere, but I just don't know what to tell these people.. Should I just fake it, and get married to any attractive, and cultured girl, just to feel among - or drop the bombshell that getting married, having a wife, and starting a family isn't my thing?? Or should I just go back to that one girl, I actually thought I could settle down with - and make up with her?

I'm confused, I'm scared - the fear of unknown is back... What should I do?

Are you sure you aren't running away from responsibilities bro?
I can't understand how you can comfortably live with a gf for months but yet afraid to live with one tagged as a wife.

Marriage is anything you decide to make off it so absolutely nothing to worry about as long as the two concerned parties are cleared on each other's expectations of what marriage is all about.

jay bee: Are you sure you aren't running away from responsibilities bro?
I can't understand how you can comfortably live with a gf for months but yet afraid to live with one tagged as a wife.

Marriage is anything you decide to make off it so absolutely nothing to worry about as long as the two concerned parties are cleared on each other's expectations of what marriage is all about.

I'm not running away from responsibilities lol.. I love responsibilities, but I just get bored of people easily.

This same way you were insanely attracted to your ex is
the same way you could meet a person you could bond
with too more or less. Never marry out of pressure or
you'll live to regret. Just wait hope and pray till that
perfect girl comes along.

as Amya said, do not marry out of pressure. You make it sound as if it is a "now or never" kind of choice, but I bet you still have time. Marriage becomes evident when you meet the right person and when yourself are ready. The fact that you are thinking about it shows that you are "maturing" and getting ready in your own way. Once you know what you expect of marriage and feel ready for it, you'll naturally be attracted to someone who has the same expectations as you.

Back in the days, I used to get bored of boys after a few dates/months. Now that I am married to my husband, I feel that a lifetime can never be enough to know him and enjoy being with him.

Be patient, everything will fall into place.

Stay unmarried.

ronkebp: Stay unmarried.

GBAM!!!
Op nawa for una oo

Miss_Ife: as Amya said, do not marry out of pressure. You make it sound as if it is a "now or never" kind of choice, but I bet you still have time. Marriage becomes evident when you meet the right person and when yourself are ready. The fact that you are thinking about it shows that you are "maturing" and getting ready in your own way. Once you know what you expect of marriage and feel ready for it, you'll naturally be attracted to someone who has the same expectations as you.

Back in the days, I used to get bored of boys after a few dates/months. Now that I am married to my husband, I feel that a lifetime can never be enough to know him and enjoy being with him.

Be patient, everything will fall into place.

Insightful! Thanks, b.

ronkebp: Stay unmarried.

Boi, you dey vex oo

Amya:
This same way you were insanely attracted to your ex is
the same way you could meet a person you could bond
with too more or less. Never marry out of pressure or
you'll live to regret. Just wait hope and pray till that
perfect girl comes along.

Hmmmm..

Patience is definitely a virtue, thanks.

Like you've already heard don't marry out of pressure of family or friends. When you meet your wife you will know it everyone has different times of doing things and you've still got time to achieve these things comfortably it's not like your 35 yet. Your family should have other things to be proud of you for achieving so keep growing, providing and making a foundation for yourself and future family. Your ex is an ex for a reason if it wasn't worth keeping her as a girlfriend it's unlikely you'll manage her as a wife till death do you part.

Good luck!

90love: Like you've already heard don't marry out of pressure of family or friends. When you meet your wife you will know it everyone has different times of doing things and you've still got time to achieve these things comfortably it's not like your 35 yet. Your family should have other things to be proud of you for achieving so keep growing, providing and making a foundation for yourself and future family. Your ex is an ex for a reason if it wasn't worth keeping her as a girlfriend it's unlikely you'll manage her as a wife till death do you part.

Good luck!

Hmmmm, I can't believe the infamous 90love gave me a very insightful advice...

You're my 'bredrin' now - no beef, yh??

*Nudges knuckle with 90love, and says: "safe for that."*

shymmex: Every time I think about getting married, having a wife, and having a family - the fear of the unknown hits me like a hurricane.. I'm a perfectionist, and these three words always scare the hell out of me. I'm yet to see a perfect marriage, and I just can't imagine myself being locked into someone for the rest of my life. I love kids, and I want atleast four kids - as soon as I think I'm ready to be a dad, and I'm stable enough to raise them right.. But the wife part is scary...

The thought of living with the same girl for the rest of my life always make me tremble with fear, because I'm from the school of thought that - if you're willing to make a covenant in the presence of God, you have to obey it. Divorce is not in my dictionary, and if I ever get married - it's definitely "till death do us part." I kind of get bored of girls easily, except probably, the last girl I was in a serious relationship with.. She is the only girl I've ever lived with for months, and still feel attracted to - every time I see her.. The only girl I've ever been attracted to, immediately after having sex with her - guys should know what I'm on about.. I thought I had met the one girl, I would actually contemplate getting married to, and live happily ever after with - but we had our problems.. We were insanely attracted to eachother, but we argue and fight all the time - and the fights usually get physical, and crazy.. She's gone now, and I'm back to the old me.. I'm questioning marriage again - I'm confused about family - and having a wife is sounding scary to me again..

Everyone around is getting married.. Parents are asking me about when I'll finally bring their future in-laws to the yard.. Friends are asking me about the girl I'll finally settle down with... Pressure is coming from everywhere, but I just don't know what to tell these people.. Should I just fake it, and get married to any attractive, and cultured girl, just to feel among - or drop the bombshell that getting married, having a wife, and starting a family isn't my thing?? Or should I just go back to that one girl, I actually thought I could settle down with - and make up with her?

I'm confused, I'm scared - the fear of unknown is back... What should I do?

you're not alone.....just keep searching!
around the corner awaits a gem to be plucked by you.
keep your head up!!!

Many people have the same fears, when you find the right person, you won't even remember the fears. That's what love does. But what exactly were you fighting about? Are you the type that feels he can just do whatever he pleases, comes home late at nights, acts as if you don't have a girlfriend, flirts with any girl that comes your way eventhough you're not sleeping with them, don't believe in compromise or self sacrifice. Then maybe you should remain a bachelor.

[color=#006600][/color]

stillwater: Many people have the same fears, when you find the right person, you won't even remember the fears. That's what love does. But what exactly were you fighting about? Are you the type that feels he can just do whatever he pleases, comes home late at nights, acts as if you don't have a girlfriend, flirts with any girl that comes your way eventhough you're not sleeping with them, don't believe in compromise or self sacrifice. Then maybe you should remain a bachelor.

I sincerely hope you are very correct.

stillwater: Many people have the same fears, when you find the right person, you won't even remember the fears. That's what love does. But what exactly were you fighting about? Are you the type that feels he can just do whatever he pleases, comes home late at nights, acts as if you don't have a girlfriend, flirts with any girl that comes your way eventhough you're not sleeping with them, don't believe in compromise or self sacrifice. Then maybe you should remain a bachelor.

Nah, it's not even that.. She just thought I wasn't treating her like my girl.

shymmex:

Nah, it's not even that.. She just thought I wasn't treating her like my girl.

I don't believe any woman would just think you're not treating her like your girl, unless she has psychological issues.

shymmex:

Hmmmm, I can't believe the infamous 90love gave me a very insightful advice...

You're my [b]'bredrin' [/b]now - no beef, yh??

*Nudges knuckle with 90love, and says: "safe for that."*

It's "brethren" you know? Good to see you making up with Miss 90love. It will be lovelier if you can go wipe out those angry word stuffs about "starving children in east Africa" etc because the truth is that when non-Africans look down on us Africans because of that, they look down on all of us Africans including you too. Get it? (Hey I ain't trying to incur your wrath) Emabinu----how do they say that?
You need to chill out a bit at the rate of finishing people with your mouth on NL, is that how you will be finishing up the woman you are going to marry? Looks like you and your ex had something good going but that fighting/getting physical part is a no,no. Can't you guys work around it without the fight or abi she strong pass you sef as she dey fight with you so? If she strong pass you abeg run-o-o-o-o. We no want make you dey cry everyday for the marriage.

In one of the trending threads I saw where Sexkillz got told by you the poster that he writes like an Agama Lizard and laughter wan kill me, I actually came to this thread to laugh at that thinking that it was here you said that. Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Abeg no vex for me-o-o my brethren. Ivynwa nudges clenched knuckles with Shymexx the way real brethren do it

Ivynwa:
It's "brethren" you know, you iz a trini or?-----hope you caught my joke. Good to see you making up with Miss 90love. It will be lovelier if you can go wipe out those angry word stuffs about "starving children in east Africa" etc because the truth is that when non-Africans look down on us Africans because of that, they look down on all of us Africans including you too. Get it? (Hey I ain't trying to incur your wrath) Emabinu----how do they say that?
You need to chill out a bit at the rate of finishing people with your mouth on NL, is that how you will be finishing up the woman you are going to marry? Looks like you and your ex had something good going but that fighting/getting physical part is a no,no. Can't you guys work around it without the fight or abi she strong pass you sef as she dey fight with you so? If she strong pass you abeg run-o-o-o-o. We no want make you dey cry everyday for the marriage.

In one of the trending threads I saw where Sexkillz got told by you the poster that he writes like an Agama Lizard and laughter wan kill me, I actually came to this thread to laugh at that thinking that it was here you said that. Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Abeg no vex for me-o-o my brethren. Ivynwa nudges clenched knuckles with Shymexx the way real brethren do it

'Bredrin' is a london twang..

You're good in my books, Ivynwa my omalicha nma.

I'm not abusive, but some of these people just like to piss me off.

@Op, you may not realise it but I believe the title of this thread accurately captures the heart of the matter.

Your fear of marriage is down to the fact that you do not understand it (and I'd imagine further, because you haven't seen the marriage union articulated in a way that makes it aspirational for you). Afterall, if you understood it, you'd be free to embrace it, or reject it as something that isn't for you.

It's further compounded by the pressure and in some sense the inveitability of having to undertake it, without fully getting it or knowing if you truly want it.

I think your questioning this is briliant and one of the best things you could do for yourself. Because entering into it without fully understanding it, is to dangerously amplify what should at the very worst quite minimal risk.

If you'd like to discuss further or post a question, please do so. The are number of ways to approach this, but I'd rather follow your lead if you so desire.

Best
TV

TV01: @Op, you may not realise it but I believe the title of this thread accurately captures the heart of the matter.

Your fear of marriage is down to the fact that you do not understand it (and I'd imagine further, because you haven't seen the marriage union articulated in a way that makes it aspirational for you). Afterall, if you understood it, you'd be free to embrace it, or reject it as something that isn't for you.

It's further compounded by the pressure and in some sense the inveitability of having to undertake it, without fully getting it or knowing if you truly want it.

I think your questioning this is briliant and one of the best things you could do for yourself. Because entering into it without fully understanding it, is to dangerously amplify what should at the very worst quite minimal risk.

If you'd like to discuss further or post a question, please do so. The are number of ways to approach this, but I'd rather follow your lead if you so desire.

Best
TV

What makes marriage thick?

And why must everyone get married - if many people are looking for ways to get out of it?

shymmex: What makes marriage thick?

For every union, that is unique. What you bring to it is what makes it tick, the desire, commitment, expectation, maturity, wisdom and understanding.

shymmex: And why must everyone get married - if many people are looking for ways to get out of it?

For various reasons, not everyone will get married, but it is in a sense the "default and for one not to marry there will be cogent reason.

"Many looking to get out", is in short because "many didn't look (i.e, understand and embrace it properly) before they went in.


It would help to know your worldview before we progress.

Best TV

TV01:

For every union, that is unique. What you bring to it is what makes it tick, the desire, commitment, expectation, maturity, wisdom and understanding.

For various reasons, not everyone will get married, but it is in a sense the "default and for one not to marry there will be cogent reason.

"Many looking to get out", is in short because "many didn't look (i.e, understand and embrace it properly) before they went in.

It would help to know your worldview before we progress.

Best TV

My worldview??

I would call myself a Yoruba guy at heart, but a Londoner on the outside...

Which means, I'm a westernized Afrocentric (Yorubacentric) guy - the best of both worlds, but more ingrained into the Yoruba culture and Yoruba way of life.

shymmex:

'Bredrin' is a london twang..

You're good in my books, Ivynwa my omalicha nma.

I'm not abusive, but some of these people just like to piss me off.

Of course I know that the slang is pronounced as you wrote, just saying that it's actually "brethren" they twisted so, some even call it beljin. All in all, we are only calling ourselves buddies with that slang. Cheerio!

Ivynwa:
Of course I know that the slang is pronounced as you wrote, just saying that it's actually "brethren" they twisted so, some even call it beljin. All in all, we are only calling ourselves buddies with that slang. Cheerio!

I hear that.. Are you Igbo?

what's the point of the thread?

i thought you consistently maintain you look forward to any relationship as long as the female in it is igbo, or not yoruba.

so what are you whining about.

tpia@:


what's the point of the thread?

i thought you consistently maintain you look forward to any relationship as long as the female in it is igbo, or not yoruba.

so what are you whining about.

Huh?? When did I say that?? I hope you aren't confusing me for a next person?

^correct me if I'm wrong!!

I will echo Ronkebp's advice to "stay unmarried" till you mature enough.
Make friends with married couples and try to immerse yourself more in the family circles and soon you will be craving for marriage.
just try to quit or stay away from the single bachelor scene. stay away from the temptation

I certainly won't go back to the ex.
the mistake you made is that you cohabited with her. Of course marriage is not a piece of cake. but I think living with a partner before marriage is not wise idea.

shymmex: only girl I've ever been attracted to, immediately after having sex with her - guys should know what I'm on about..

what are you on about?

shymmex: Every time I think about getting married, having a wife, and having a family - the fear of the unknown hits me like a hurricane.. I'm a perfectionist, and these three words always scare the hell out of me. I'm yet to see a perfect marriage, and I just can't imagine myself being locked into someone for the rest of my life. I love kids, and I want atleast four kids - as soon as I think I'm ready to be a dad, and I'm stable enough to raise them right.. But the wife part is scary...

The thought of living with the same girl for the rest of my life always make me tremble with fear, because I'm from the school of thought that - if you're willing to make a covenant in the presence of God, you have to obey it. Divorce is not in my dictionary, and if I ever get married - it's definitely "till death do us part." I kind of get bored of girls easily, except probably, the last girl I was in a serious relationship with.. She is the only girl I've ever lived with for months, and still feel attracted to - every time I see her.. The only girl I've ever been attracted to, immediately after having sex with her - guys should know what I'm on about.. I thought I had met the one girl, I would actually contemplate getting married to, and live happily ever after with - but we had our problems.. We were insanely attracted to eachother, but we argue and fight all the time - and the fights usually get physical, and crazy.. She's gone now, and I'm back to the old me.. I'm questioning marriage again - I'm confused about family - and having a wife is sounding scary to me again..

Everyone around is getting married.. Parents are asking me about when I'll finally bring their future in-laws to the yard.. Friends are asking me about the girl I'll finally settle down with... Pressure is coming from everywhere, but I just don't know what to tell these people.. Should I just fake it, and get married to any attractive, and cultured girl, just to feel among - or drop the bombshell that getting married, having a wife, and starting a family isn't my thing?? Or should I just go back to that one girl, I actually thought I could settle down with - and make up with her?

I'm confused, I'm scared - the fear of unknown is back... What should I do?

you are not alone and indeed for many men like you... and me... thinking this way is natural.
However, from experience i believe you are letting the pressures of your friends and others you used to hang out with as single guys all getting married start to get to you and now you feel you MUST marry as well.
Here is how i have been dealing with it...

1. Believe that regardless of how you feel about women in general, there is someone out there for you...
2. Finding that woman is not a do or die affair.
3. Relax, your time is not the same as that of others. Now is their time to be married, yours maybe a few yrs down the line.
4. Deal with YOU first - what are your expectations from a marriage and the woman you would ideally want to spend the rest of your life with? Ask yourself if YOU fit the profile of what a woman would want in a husband. Work on the little things - patience, kindness, attentiveness to the needs of others...
5. Keep an eye out for the women around you, most likely the woman for you has been hiding in plain sight all along and you just didnt notice her because she isnt the flashy, facial bombshell. The key to finding your soulmate is how comfortable you are in her presence, does she inspire you to be a better person, do you enjoy doing the little things with her, can you truly be open and honest with her...
6. Cut out sex! It blinds you to seeing a woman's faults when all you can think about when you see her is what you want to do to her naked. There is tremendous benefits in just getting to know a woman on a level deeper than just sex. Do the little things with her... take a walk together, travel together, enjoy exploring new adventures with her...

7. When you think you've found her, pray, be patient (she may not always come around immediately), show her you care, be honest with her and be direct - the time for games is over.

8. and if you really think she is the one... dont be shy telling her straight up. I once told my woman that i was sure she was the one i would be spending the rest of my life with... well she ran! Avoided me for over a month and my friend kept telling me i had made the worst mistake of my life. I simply called her, told her i would not bother calling or texting her but i would simply wait for her to come around while i got busy with other important priorities of life. When she got tired of running away from her own heart, she came back! Now i cant even get her to give me some space to breath... so go for it bro. Women are not strange aliens from space.

You mentioned that you are a perfectionist. Perfectionists generally don't trust themselves to not mess-up a good thing and the perfectionist nature stems from deep issues with self-esteem and notions of self-worth. You must first believe that you are good enough to make one woman very happy and that you are able to achieve a happy marriage that lasts forever. Until you're able to see yourself as capable of maintaining a life-long, loving union, you might end up pushing away any woman that tries to love you.

Having said this, I am a bit concerned that your previous relationship was so turbulent. What was it about this woman you were madly attracted to that made you push her away? It surely takes two to have physical fights! Are you sure there aren't any self-control issues you're sweeping under the rug with perfectionism? Perfectionists often try in vain to make the outside world perfect because their insides are turbulent or chaotic. Just throwing a few thoughts out there.

ps - Marriages are not perfect; the beauty of a loving union is that you're free to make mistakes, learn from those mistakes and use those lessons to build a stronger union.